I Ve Lost Myself Somewhere

17 Replies
kris A. - February 9

Just want to vent, commiserate, whatever... First off, I do love my life and know I am blessed to have my hubby who helps, a sweet, quiet baby who always smiles and rarely cries, and three older girls who are stepping up and helping quite a bit. I know things could be SO different. But I have lost myself, and I dont know where. I used to ride my horses, show, and was really good (15th in the nation in 2001 showing all around Paint Horses) Now the older girls have taken over the horses and I am the groom and trailer driver, the coach, the cheerleader, stall-cleaner, etc. And they have achieved a lot, my walls are covered with trophies and plaques and the girls' horse judging teams were the Colorado State Champions and the Reserve World Champions at last year World Show. And while I am incredibly proud, I find myself more and more detached from everything I loved to do... now I work, go home, care for the baby and the home, make sure the older girls get to practice, and their homework done, and then in bed by 10 so I can be up for Wren's midnight feeding, then up at 5 am to start over. And this isn't near over, the older girls are 15, 13 and 13 so their schedule is getting busier, they are planning this next year's show season, and Wren is just a baby, so she cant even go to the barn for years (too cold in the protected areas and not safe until she is actually capable of being on a horse)... and that leaves me sidelined indefinately. I am finding it harder to cheer on the girls because I am feeling more and more resentful that I dont have the ability to, just once, say "My turn". Ace was my horse, I bought him as a baby, trained him myself, won the National Western Stock Show Championship - and love that horse more that any animal I have ever owned. But my oldest, Chelsea, has adopted him as hers and probably loves him as much as I do, and so uses him for everything from Rodeo Court to Parades to Horse shows and so there's no time for me to take him to a show. I used to take such joy in my horses, now I just see what I've lost. Man, I'm depressed. This sucks.

 

Dawn C - February 9

I know what you mean. All I use to know was horses. I was a daddys girl so I roped and just had a blast in the rodeos. NOW I love em but just dont really or cant get into it. I bet its been 2yrs since Ive been on Buck!!!! I woulndt take anything in the world for my lil guy BUT I miss my outdoors. Like last weekend, Daddy had to go catch a few cows that had gotten out for a guy and I was like man I could leave him here with mom and go with him. But I bf and he want take a bottle well. I just miss it. Plus dh hates horses so it sucks. I know how ya feel.

 

Heidi - February 9

I know about the horse thing too. I used to LOVE horses and when I got pregnant my sister and her husband bought a farm to raise horses on and trail ride. I was so bummed cus I couldn't ride or anything but it's going to be fun taking Emma out there as they want to get a little Shetland for all the nieces and nephews to ride so I'm looking forward to taking her out there when she's older and so on.

 

kris A. - February 9

Thanks for writing, it's better to know we are all going through our personal 'on the back burner for now' issues. it was so rewarding to watch my girls blossom, and I do look forward to doing it again with Wren - it's just the 'now' that's bumming me out. I enrolled my dog, Trigger in a Sunday evening obedience cla__s (he's the great pyr I debarked - doing great, by the way) he's gonna fail the cla__s miserably, he considers "down" to mean "roll over for a tummy rub" . He can 'sit' but considers it a waste of time to 'stay'... should be interesting... I just had to find something for myself and sunday nite was the only available time slot. I'm sure half the problem is it's winter and I am sick of being cooped up - definately an outdoor type of girl with an itty bitty gotta be indoor baby. I'm feeling better already - I dont know what I would do without this forum. You ladies ROCK.

 

Heidi - February 9

Oh I hear ya! It's winter here and there's NOTHING to do with Emma except visit people and shop and that's getting expensive and not much fun for her either. I enrolled my dog in three obedience cla__ses before I got pg and it was sooo fun. My dog used to be my life and now he's lucky if I get a chance to pet the poor beast. I keep telling him when it warms up we can ALL go for a walk. Yeah I have like no life. I'm actually glad to be back at work because I get to talk to people and laugh and not worry about a baby for 8 hours a day. It's my only escape even though I love her to death.

 

kris A. - February 9

I know, I am sitting here at ...umm... work .... and we are watching the news while I write this, in about 20 minutes I will go to the gym for my lunch break and after the gym will come back up here for about another hour then head home. I fly satellites for a living, so we work when the 'birds' are in view, and it's kinda like being a fireman in that when there's nothing going on, there's NOTHING going on - but when something happens, hold onto your hat because it gets real hectic real fast. I love it, it's laid back, I only work with a couple guys and we are like a family. I consider it my stress relief to be here, my real job is when I walk out the door here and head to the house!

 

Brooke Mama Crow aka Brachah - February 9

I've lost myself, too.

 

kris A. - February 9

do you want to share? It might make you feel better...

 

Brooke Mama Crow aka Brachah - February 9

I'd LOVE to ... but right now the precious baby is crying again for me ... little catnaps of 15 minutes does not buy me much time for anything anymore ... my life is a disaster right now. I'll try to come back :) Thank you.

 

kris A. - February 9

Please do, Brachah. We'll be here ... :)

 

Heidi - February 9

Hee hee! Sounds like me at work. I work in a police dept. I basically run the office and most of the time it's nice and quiet and I work with all men so we get along great. Kind of like brother and sisters ripping on each other all day. So I get to be on here a lot. I don't know what I'd do without this forum. It's helped me out so much! I only called my doc once and that was about stupid cereal and she told me not to yet but everyone else on here does so I did anyway. Ha! Yep, when I leave I'm really going to work too!

 

kris A. - February 9

to Heidi - and you know the kicker is that when the men walk out and head home they fully intend on parkin it on the couch and saying to their wives, "I've been WORKING all day and I am tired." I want to call their wives and tell em exactly what they do ( a whole lot of nada!) Now, I gotta run, I am late to get to the gym hehehe.

 

Meredith - February 9

I can relate. Before I was preg with #1, I had alot going for me career wise, I just made it in to management, things were looking up for me to go into upper management, and I was only 23-24. Here I am 27 and I find myself with #2, giving up the career I was building and moving 1000 miles back home to my family, where I left 5 years ago. (The move is brought on by my father's ordeal w cancer last year. He is in remission now, but I felt scared that my kids would not know their grandparents.) Now that I am married with kids, I felt I have lost that drive I once had. I want to spend time with my babies while they are babies. I got resentful of the hours I was putting in and my little girl never seeing me. My husband, (and I love him) just does not have the same ambition I do, so I am fearful now of how things are going to be when we move. I feel like I am giving up everything I worked for in order to provide a different kind of support. I do not know if I can make it as a SAHM, which is my goal for a couple years. I only hope that since I am doing this for all the right reasons, that karma will reimburse me. haha I know it is not exactly what you were talking about, but I just wanted to get that out! Thanks for listening....

 

a saying - February 10

im going out to find myself, if i return before i get back keep me here.

 

kris A. - February 10

I like that saying!! :) Meridith, I think you nailed it in saying - I've lost my drive. In the last few years I could push myself and my family in the right direction, could find the time to carve out a piece of myself, and nurture it while still supporting the girls. Now it seems to take all of my strength just to keep afloat, and if I am satisfied nothing is sinking, then I retreat to my bedroom and snuggle Wren and sleep. Maybe it is mild depression. And I hear you about making a life change - how scary that must be to depend on your hubby for the financial aspects of things... I think it's great that you are supporting your little ones, and your family that way. I wish you the best. :)

 

Meredith - February 10

Thanks Kris A. I am terrified!

 

jess - February 10

iknow what ya mean..good t_tle!! its like all the things that made me ME are gone...and now i am just a MOM..iknow i know, its a great thing, but i used to be great at my job, hang out with the girls, write, dance...have s_x......now,its just mom, and I am in ths house eveyday.....i feel like my existence is marginal......but if i think about going to work ii feel guilty, and i dont even wanna leave the house....i also wanna snuggle and snooze

 

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