Im I Over Reacting About My Husband

27 Replies
hmreyna - May 3

I really don't have anyone to talk to and I have been really down lately. I have a 9 week old and he wakes up about 3 times during the night for feedings. He goes to sleep around 9:30, wakes up around 1:30-2:00, 4:30-5:00, and for the day around 7:00. I feel like a never get any sleep. If my husband helps out during the night (which is usually just 1 feeding once a week or so), he acts like he is a saint for a couple of days. I just have been really stressed out and it's driving me crazy. I don't work and he does and he acts like taking care of a baby and the house is nothing. He does not have to wake up early (he makes his own schedule) and sleeps 8-10 hours without having to wake up for a feeding! He says since he is the one working he shouldn't have to get up. I feel like he does not have to wake up early and gets so much sleep he should help me out! Am I over-reacting and should do all the night feedings or should he have to help out? Also, last night I asked him to start the babies bath and he freaked out and said "I thought I could just take the night off but of course not"..... what the h__l?? When do I ever get any time off and like starting a bath is so much work! Am I over-reacting, I really need some advice?

 

LisaB - May 3

I am a sahm mom yet I still make hubby help out. I nurse so he never has to get up at night but hubby helps. Every so often I need to remind him but being a mom is 24-7 and I need a break in order to be a good mom. Tell hubby how you feel. It makes a world of differnce.

 

JMux - May 3

It doesn't seem to me that you're overreacting. You have every right to expect him to do his fair share - which includes night feedings. Is his job high-stress and/or does he work a lot of hours? Maybe he's feeling overwhelmed with the added financial responsibility of a baby? (Just trying to give the benefit of the doubt.) I do know how you feel though. I think men are just wired a lot differently than women, and so their perceptions of things are different. Have you tried just sitting down and talking to him the way you said it in your message?

 

Sarahsmommy - May 3

Okay I know that being a SAHM is a full time job as I do it also. My husband lucks out because I BF so he doesn't have to get up to feed her. I just recently got a thing in the mail that says that SAHM should make about 130,000 a year based on what the do, can you believe that. Tell him how you feel. Ask him if maybe he can help out on the weekends some, maybe get up to do a feeding Friday night, Saturday night, and if it's not pushing it take ask him, on Sunday night also. Then ask him if maybe after you feed him in the morning if he could maybe take care of the baby for a few hours so you can get some extra sleep. This is what my husband does if I'm really tired and he's going in late or is off. If you are already feeling down you really need to work on it because it can turn into postpartum depression. Also if talking to him doesn't work do you have a friend or family members who are close my that could maybe help you out a little bit so you can get some extra sleep or just a little you time? I also know that napping when the baby naps can help a lot. I hope this helps at least some. If nothing else and you feel like you can't talk to him about it print this out and leave it lying somewhere he can see it. good luck, and we are always here for you. Oh and to answer your actually question, no I don't think you are over reacting

 

hmreyna - May 3

I have told him how I feel tons. He says since I am a sahm I should have to do everything. I think I should have to do most things but I need help too! Also, at least once a week he will say something along the lines that everything is his since he pays for it! Last night it was HIS house and HIS things when I mentioned I needed help. We got in a huge fight about him not helping out and me doing everything.

 

pbj - May 3

I taught my husband a lesson on how hard it is the first time I had to go shopping. He insisted I leave our dd and go out for a few hours. She was about a month old. When I came back he said " I don't know how you get anything done." I was only gone for like 2-3 hours. He helps out as much as he can now. (haha) I never asked my husband to help out with middle of the night feedings, except on weekends because he had to be at work at 7 am. He also slept in our guest room during the week until she slept through the night. However, since your husband does not have to get up early, he needs to give you a bit of a break. My dh would let me go to sleep as soon as he came home from work and then I would take over when he needed to go to bed. Of course, like I said this only lasted for the first 2 months, when dd started sleeping at night, there was no need to do any of that. You may notice that you may not need to worry about middle of the night feedings much longer since your LO is 9 weeks old, unless of course your bf.

 

JMux - May 3

Perhaps you could suggest that you "switch" places for a few days - that should make him realize all that you do. Even a few hours could have that affect, like pbj said. As for how everything is "his" because he makes all the money - if you can find out where Sarahsmommy got her thing in the mail about what a SAHM should earn, you should give that to him. You're on call 24/7 and you have to be an excellent organizer, great at multi-tasking, able to function on little sleep, flexible in your schedule, etc. With all that you qualify to be the CEO of any company!

 

Allie - May 3

Look on MSNBC - this morning they had an article about mother's annual pay from salary.com or someplace like that.

 

HannahBaby - May 3

Im also a stay at home mom and my husband works very hard to keep it that way. While i want him to help me out when he gets home (feeding, diapering) i also step back and remember that he has had a much harder day than me. (my husband is a police officer) He never would say anything like your husband did about the bath. But I also let him volenteer when he wants to help out. We are a really great team, when the baby wakes up at night, he makes the bottle and i get the baby and change her diaper. I dont expect anything from him because i know that he works hard, and he is Mr. Mom on his days off. I know that it is hard because being a sahm IS a FULL time job, but you get alot more coffee breaks than he does. I think that your husband is being selfish is making you do everything. i would be upset too. Just try not to get too down on yourself honey. You sound really sad and if you ever need a sholder to cry on, im here for ya!! I feel really sorry for you that your husband is trying to act like everything is his because he pays for it. :o(

 

C - May 3

It will get better, at least it did for me. I actually work full time so I'm only home a few hours per night. I do a lot more for my son than my husband does but I have found as he got older my husband became a lot more interested in doing things with and for him. Also, hopefully your son will start sleeping more at night. I do suggest that you nap when your baby naps (I still do this on the weekends) during the day to make up for lost sleep. I do agree that your husband should help out more when he is home and running a bath is not the hardest thing for him to do. However, I do think he needs his full nights rest more than you do. If he's tired and starts doing a bad job he could easily be fired and then where would you guys be? I also feel my husband needs more sound sleep than I do because he brings home a lot more money than I do and has a more mentally challenging job. So I am the one he gets up if and when my son wakes up in the middle of the night. I bet part of your frustration is still the pregnancy hormones. I remember the things that used to get me so mad will now just roll off my shoulder and I don't care as much. Take care of yourself and hopefully you have a relative or close friend that could help out too when you need a mental break.

 

Mel_C - May 3

Hi there. I've never posted here before but your story is so like mine I just had to reply! My baby boy is 10 weeks tomorrow, feeds just like your baby, and my husband sounds EXACTLY the same as yours. Right down to the comment about the bath, he has said almost exactly that. I'm on temporary leave from work but as he's still working he doesn't feel he should have to do anything. If he holds Kylen for five minutes while I make a cup of tea or cook dinner, he acts like it was a huge sacrifice. He's 23 but acts like he's 15 half the time. Anyway, just had to vent, sorry! :-) While I do think that stay-at-home mom's should shoulder most of the nocturnal work - it's only fair - I also think that your husband, like mine, could use a real reality check! After all, isn't sleep deprivation commonly used as a form of torture!

 

Jamie - May 4

I had the same issue with my DH for the longest time...finally I just blew up on him, and told him that he might work 12 hour days, but I work 24 hour days. It doesn't matter if my job doesn't require me to leave the house - HE gets to walk away from the stressors at his job, mine comes with me everywhere I go. HE can take a 5 minute break to go to the bathroom, but I'm lucky if I get 30 seconds, especially now that we're dealing with teething and separation anxiety. 9 months later, he finally gets it, and when he gets home from work, I hand him the baby. He's the primary caregiver between 6 p.m. and 8 p.m., because that's when he gets home from work and when she goes to bed. Those two hours are MINE - of course, I usually spend them cooking dinner, but it's still nice to have time to myself!

 

kimberley - May 4

Grrrrrr, men are so INsensitive. Tell him, if he thinks YOUR job is so easy, for him to spend 2 days as the SAHM, while you go out.......let him see what it is really like. My hubby is exactly the same, I would like to wring his neck sometimes....but I dont have the time...lol.

 

Ginny - May 4

This may sound crazy, but get sick. My husband did everything the first days of our daughters life because I was so sick from the C-section. After I recovered, I wanted to do as much as I could and he just stopped. I made it look easy and he had no idea how stressful things were, until I got sick again. I was so sleep deprived and anxious that my body gave in and I got sick. Couldn't do anything but lay in bed and cry. By being completely helpless, he was forced to do more. You shouldn't pretend, of course, but that may be the only way he shakes out of it.

 

ashtynsmom - May 4

I completely understand. My hubby was the same way, and I justblew up one day and told him to leave. I started crying and screaming and he just sat there in awe. It is just too bad it took that for me to get some help. I told him he was a bad father because he had NOTHING to do with our daughter, I did everything. I too, was on maternity leave from a full time job, so he thougth I should be doing eveyrthing- and I was! Finally I had it after 7 weeks of sleep deprivation with a colicy baby, I just snapped. He does A LOT more now. Our daughter is almost 4 mos now, and she only wants her mom- that hurts his feelings, but I have told him it is because for the first 2 months of her life i was her ONLY care giver. He understands he needs to have more interaction with her, and he really is trying now. Your son may still be too young to "prefer" one parent over the other, but when he starts, your husband will regret not spending the time with him. I am the only one that can calm her down when she is upset or over tired. She only wants dad when she is in a good mood, but when she gets tired, she cries for me. It warms my heart, but breaks his. Maybe the threat of that will wake your husband up... it did mine!

 

Shea - May 4

I have a little different perspective on this...my husbnd is a sahd and I work 40hrs/ week. I have a fairly stressful job and a 30 min commute each way. My ds is now sleeping through the night, but I always was the one to get up throughout the night. I feed him before I go to work, I make our bed, make the coffee, walk the dog, play with ds for 20 min, go to work, come home, feed ds, make dinner, play with and read to ds, give him a bath and cuddle w/ him until about 8 when he is getting sleepy and put him down, then do the dishes, wash bottles, do laundry, and do some general pick up. On the weekends, I clean my house from top to bottom and do the grocery shopping. And still play, cuddle & spend time w/ ds. I am pretty sure there is no man that could do what I do, and yet I'm sure there are lots of women who do. In fact I work with a few. I am not saying dh does not try to help, but frankly as long as he takes care of ds during the day and ds is happy and loved, I don't mind doing the rest. It's not fair, but I know that no matter what I say, scream or yell to dh, he is convinced that he is doing everything and I am just going to work. He will never think about why there are always clean bottles, or why there are never dirty dishes, or why there are clean socks and underwear every time he opens his drawer. So hmreyna, I don't think you are overreacting, and if you can get him to change, I applaud you. But it will get better when ds sleeps through the night, and even though you have the harder work, you get the rewards of spending the day with your baby boy. My ds is just a little older (16weeks) and I know soon you will have smiles, laughs and coos that will make you forget all about the sleep deprivation :)

 

amyh - May 5

No you are definitely NOT over-reacting, because I am in the same boat. My hubby tries to help out a little more. I actually make him responsible for the feedings right after he gets off work. THen, I get a little time ot myself. I found out that him doing it at night just doens't cut it. He is also responsible for a bath at least once a week. I just TELL him...not so nicely sometimes that I need a little more help or I will make his life hell :-)

 

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