Marriage Temptation And A Baby

20 Replies
evae777 - May 8

okay, so i want to ask those of you who are married about temptation. i love my dh very much & he is a great husband and great father. of course he has flaws for instance he doesn't pursue me all that much, he spends a lot of time reading up on politics & doesn't always give me as much attention as i am used to, but the man is overall an 8 out of 10 so i think that is a pretty darn good catch. so cut to the chase. long story... to the very short version... I was out at lunch today and a really nice looking man kept looking at me. Now i see attractive men and hot guys from time to time & it doesn't phase me, i am a happily married woman & have done the dating thing & am happy to be settled down, but today - let me put it this way, this man made me blush. don't worry, i didn't flirt back or even exchanged words or anything with him, but i left feeling so ashamed and guilty! i didn't think i was capable of being attracted to another man. i felt like a trader to my dh! then it had me thinking whether or not he sees other women and feels that way. he actually works and is around people more than me. dh had a really sucky dating life, dated too many girls with no potential for marriage until he met me at age 34! so he tells me that he is totally over that whole lust / grass is greener mentality. (He is a total family man that was single for just too long due to being overly picky.) we are newly married (6 months)and have a 3.5 mth old & dated for 1.5 years before that so i am really new to all this. I thought I had it down! but after today i actually second guessed myself. Anyways, sorry i am rambling here, but has anyone who is married been faced with temptation? I would like to hear some stories if you would like to share and just how you dodge that kind of stuff. And do you tell you DH? i think i would die of jealousy if he told me...

 

mjvdec01 - May 8

I have been with my hubby for 10 years in July and married for 6 and a half. It sounds to me that what you really need it some attention. Sure I have been out and exchanged glances with another man, but nothing further than that. Looking is fine, but engaging another man is not. You have nothing to feel guilty about. Why not talk to your hubby and tell him that you feel a bit neglected. Maybe a date night twice a month to reconnect without the baby, once a week is great if you have someone to watch the baby? I am 32, my hubby is 32, we have a 27 month old and I am currently 29 weeks pregnant, so I know that things can get stale if there is no effort being put forth. Once you have kids it is really easy to just surrender your life as a married couple and settle in to a predictable routine. Try spicing things up a bit. Does this help?

 

Teddyfinch - May 9

i don't think there's anything wrong with feeling good that someone thinks you're good looking. it still feels good to me when guys look at me, although i know the only man in my life is my husband. it's just nice to know you've still got it =P i would never give any of the lookers a second thought, but i think your hubby needs to let you know how much he loves you and maybe court you again a little bit. when you hear how beautiful you are from your husband, no one else's looks seem to matter.

 

Rainbowbrite - May 9

I don't think there is anything wrong with looking.. OF COURSE I think it can be rude if you're doing it in front of your husband but you didn't.. it is okay to get happy that another man might find you attractive or to be getting outside looks.. and it is also ok to be attracted to other men... as long as you don't go further than that... you are human!!! =)

 

ginger6363 - May 9

I think almost everyone can relate to those feelings. Like mjvdec01 said try to spice things up. Since we are on the subject: the NY Post just published results of a huge study that polled 30,000 married women with children and found that 1 in 3,over 30%, had had extramatrial affairs. I find that number shocking! Google "stray at home moms" to find the article.

 

countrymom401 - May 9

Oh evae . You are married not dead haha. Thank goodness to that. I have been with my dh for 7 years and married for 4. I still look at the hotties and think what it would be like. I would never act on it but its fun to look. What I am wondering is when was the last time you and hubby had a night that was all about the two of you. It sounds to me like you need some spice. I bet your hunny wouldn't mind some either. I hope I'm not being to forward for you. I bet you would feel much better if you had a romantic night. We have one once in a while now where we get a sitter and stay at a hotel and do what we want. Even if it's just a few hours and dinner to revive what sometimes gets lost when you have kids. Your feelings are so normal.

 

evae777 - May 9

oh thanks everyone! i almost felt like a criminal from being so flattered by some guy checking me out. hubby and i had date night last monday. it went well. but i dont know the words to describe besides: my dh is not a romantic person. he takes me out to do romantic things like dinner etc. but he is not romantic in his touch or his gaze. he is more stoic - (that's the better way to describe him). the look on his face is emotionless most of the time, i think it is from him being raised by and English man (his dad) whom is very unaffectionate and firm. this is something about him i cannot change, but have accepted. he doesnt give me that kind of attention - like he is never all over me. he will grope and come on to me jokingly but that is different. so it is something i constantly have to rea__sure myself about. while we are on the marriage topic. May I ask you guys something? What do you think about husbands and p___n? everyone tells me men looking at p___n is normal, but DH used to have a problem with it being it was an addiction/ out of control. he's managed it better now since we have a kid and married, but i worry that some crazy s_xual animal is going to pop out later on & i won't even know him anymore & the person i think is great will not be one that i can grow old with! urghh... it is such an embarra__sing thing to ask about!

 

lissica - May 9

I think you just feel guilty over that since your dh has been busy and not paying much attention to you. It's natural to be attracted to certain people. Like the girls said, you didn't do anything wrong. It just felt good to have someone hot check you out! You say you are happily married then there is no reason to second guess yourself. I guess the way i look at it for myself is that there always might be some hottie who might look at me and make me feel good but i wouldn't ever leave my hubby or think twice about my marriage. I made a commitment and if i am feeling a bit unappreciated then i tell my dh. Just remember why you married your hubby and make sure to communicate often!

 

evae777 - May 9

also we havent been married for very long.. just 6 mths & it already feels like 10 years. isnt there supposed to be a honeymoon phase? if it is like that now... boring & barely any s_x drive how will it be later on and more time pa__ses. i know there are ups and downs but at what rate is it healthy versus to be concerned about? mjvdec and country mom, you guys have been married for a while amount of arguments versus good times is a healthy ratio? i know we cant' put everything on a scale, but dh and i do weekly devotions together where we talk, go to church, & we communicate our concerns (or i do at least) quite often, but still something seems to be missing here... maybe i am just being high maintenance?

 

Kiersten - May 9

Evae, you're not alone! It's hard when you're a romantic and your hubby isn't. In my case, my hubby was the most romantic guy ever before we got married. I'd get flowers sent to me every month for "monthly anniversaries", poems, dates, phone calls throughout the day...NOW the last time I got flowers from him was just before we got married (will be 2 years next month) and my poems and phone calls have turned into "hey, you want to do something before we run to the store?" LOL :) My man!! It did bother me at first because I was like "where's my romantic prince charming?!" but now I see his love language. He shows his love by taking care of my son and I. By helping around the house when I ask and sometimes when I don't. By stopping mid conversation at times to give me a kiss and say "I missed you today". HOWEVER, it hasn't all been easy. I got a huge lump in my throat and some painful memories when I read your question about p___n. I never dreamed my dh had a problem with this. We had a great first year, celebrated the birth of our son, and then when ds was 2 months old I found out. He (baby) and I ran a couple errands and when I came home my dh hurried out the door to "take ____ (our landlord next door) the rent" I guess he thought I'd be too busy getting the baby out to go to the computer, but I decided to check the e-mail quick. He'd minimized something in a hurry when I came in and I clicked on it to see what it was. Filthy, disgusting p___n. I was shocked. He walked in to see me at the computer and I just looked at him and he started sobbing. If ever I wanted to see a case of heartache and repentance, that was it. it's taken a while for me to trust him, but I can honestly say that now I do. We set up a internet filter that only I know the pa__sword for, and I check in with him to see how he's doing. Saying that p___n is "normal" is an excuse. Not that it was my fault that he chose to look at that stuff, but I wasn't being there for my man like I ought to have been. I opened him up to temptation by turning all mommy and forgetting to be a wife also. I've never told anyone this, and maybe putting it in a public forum wasn't the best idea :) but I think you need to talk to your dh. Explain to him how you feel and see if maybe there's something that you're (unintentionally) doing to "push him" to it. In my mind p___n is adultery and should be dealt with. I wish you the very best and hope you and dh are able to figure it out. Good luck Evae!!

 

ginger6363 - May 9

I've been married 8 years, and I know that keeping the flame alive is tough. It's a lot of work, but it's worth it. I may totally be on the outs here, but I don't think a dh looking at p___n occa__sionally is a big deal, men are visual and as long what he is looking at isn't kiddie/disgusting/etc. I don't see it as cheating, but that's me.

 

evae777 - May 9

thanks kiersten and ginger, I dont want to be a controlling wife, i hated that about my family so i try to approach things more lovingly. as for dh, it stinks all my friends are single they don't understand the p___n struggle. but just a background, his grandpa was 96 years old and would play p___n all day long. he has been around it since he was 3 yrs old. so it is a part of his fiber. oddly enough, believe it or not, his family (aside from his grandpa who is now pa__sed away) is really the least dysfunctional that i have met. huge family but no divorces or infidelity amongst his aunts, uncles, or siblings (not as far as we know. )what i'm saying is.. aside from the p___n issue we don't have any other big concerning problems except for the occasional fight. we have been to marriage counseling to sort it out w/ the p___n before we got married & he is the most honest man i know and he has told me that he has not looked at it since we are married. but i still fear that this crazy addiction that he used to have will be what ruins us. anyway, i realize there is no advice i can get on a forum over this and it probably isn't even appropriate on an infant forum, but I got carried away so I hope i didnt' make anyone uncomfortable!

 

evae777 - May 9

also Kiersten, what is that filter you used and how do we get it? is is just a download?

 

Kiersten - May 9

Evae, just google blue coat k9 web protection. It's a free download and allows you to block whatever you want and set different settings for it. We have it set up so that the internet can't even be accessed unless I sign in. Trust and accountability are huge in marriage and the web blocking has helped me trust him so much. He hates that he was looking at that stuff and he said it made him sick whenever he did...setting up this block was his idea. He checks in with me every day and talks about his struggles and asks me to keep holding him accountable. Don't feel bad about asking this on here. Where else are you supposed to put it? We're all here to help one another. I think that includes marriage. You're in my thoughts and I hope you have a wonderful weekend and Mother's Day! How old is your little man now? Is your son going through a phase where he wigs out if you're not holding him? It used to just be that he needed me to stay in sight or he'd lose it. He's on the floor next to me and is screaming/freaking out. I know he loves momma, but I'm right here!!! :) "Talk" to you later!

 

evae777 - May 10

gosh kiersten I wish my dh was that cooperative! this issue has become a broken record. i am just going to surrender!

 

margie - May 13

oh and evae777--its totally ok how you felt as long as you didnt pursue it, i can guarantee all men look at other women, the key is that they dont pursue it and IMO, dont tell me about it! i dont want to know...one of those cases that ignorance is bliss. we are not married but have lived together for several years and now have our 5 month old together and share everything, so just about the same as being married, but he had some moments of playing around with the idea of cheating while i was pregnant and thank god for both of us (including him because i think he really in some way wanted to be caught) i totally caught him in the act. I'll tell you why I think that p___n can be bad...he was on the internet looking at p___n and guess the idea of him being with another girl snuck in there while fantasizing about others on there and then decided to log on to myspace (myspace is evil!) and changed his profile on there to say he was single and was looking up other single women in our area and was messaging them telling them how pretty they are and that he hoped to meet them soon....i totally caught him on it the same day he started doing it. i was at home and he was at his moms house online and i saw his profile was single and called him out on it and he acted like he didnt know how it happened (ya right) and then when he came home he left his myspace open and i couldnt help it and had to read his emails on there and read one he had sent to one of the girls and he practictly through the computer on the floor trying to get me to not read the others! i threw him out and after a couple of weeks i found a way to forgive him and he has been amazing every since (which is where the treating me like a princess comes into play now)...so...i know this was a long story...but youre totally fine for feeling that way, but i know how p___n can be bad because the idea of fantasizing about other women really makes people sometimes want the real thing...depends on the person

 

DaBonkElsMe - May 20

I know this was posted a while ago, but here's how I handle this stuff. My DH works out of the home, overnight and with girls that understand his business far better than I do, and many of them look good too!! So here's my take. It's simple - EITHER YOU TRUST HIM OR YOU DON'T. And if you trust him you just do. I could spend hours wondering what my DH does while he is out overnight. He often doesn't call at night b/c he goes out late for dinner and drinks with his colleagues - many of whom are women. I could contemplate his actions and question him, hire spies, basically go crazy trying to figure out what he does when i am not with him. But I don't because i trust him and that's the end of the story for me. I am not saying that in moments of weakness I have not thought about it. My DH is flirtatious by nature, so am I, but I don't think just because he speaks in a flirty way to an attractive woman that he is betraying me. I think first you decide to trust someone, and then you just do.

 

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