Parents Providing Daycare They Re Not Listening To Me

12 Replies
rebolson - January 24

Hello all. My parents are providing daycare free of charge for my 9 month old lo. My dh and I are VERY grateful and our son loves his grandparents and they love him. Problem is, they don't listen to me....when I told them (nicely) when ds was younger, no pillow/stuffed animal/blankets in the crib, they dismissed me. Now that he's older and teething, they've been giving him carrots to gnaw on. I told them (nicely) to not give him carrots as they are a choking hazard, they dismissed me. Ds went to the doctor yesterday and we told him he was getting carrots to relieve teething pain and the doctor said "ABSOLUTELY NOT! They are a choking hazard and a ticking time bomb. use teething rings." I've had a "Sit down" talk with them about listening to what I say, but that ended with them telling me I'm being overprotective and overly sensitive and that they raised my sister and me and we turned out fine, so I should just get over it. This has been very stressful for me. Again, I am so grateful and I know they would never do anything to intentionally hurt my son. I feel like I'm being ungrateful when I voice my concerns, but then again, I'm only looking out for the safety of my son. Any thoughts?

 

Shea - January 24

I'm sorry, but parents are like that. My mom & MIL are both like that, and I wouldn't let them watch my son even if they lived close enough. On the other hand, professional day care might be better at following your directions, no guarantee, but the love and undivided attention he gets from your parents wouldn't be there. Maybe if you could get your mom to go to the ped with you? Sometimes people will listen to a professional that is not family.

 

sahmof3 - January 24

Shea... that's a good idea about getting the mom to go along to the appt.

 

Rabbits07 - January 24

I agree with Shea about trying to get your mom to go to the pedi with you so she can hear it from him straight out. If they still would not listen then I would remove my son from their care. I know it would mean no more free daycare and your pocketbook would take a big hit, but it would be for the best. If it were only minor things, like she was letting him stay up past his nap or something then I would say overlook it, no big deal, but in the case with letting him teeth on carrots his safety is at stake. You're not being ungrateful, it's your job to ensure the safety of your son.

 

CyndiG - January 24

I have sooo been where you are. My mother kept my dd until she went to school and then each summer thereafter. My dd is 8 btw. I appreciated her doing it (not free though, I paid) and there's no way I would have put her into daycare, but it gave my mother such control and "power". She felt like she had the right to tell me what to do and to be in on everything! I just had to learn how to bite my tongue. Although there were a few times I just had to put my foot down and be adamant about what I wanted. Luckily it's easier to talk to them because it's your parents and not your in laws. So I would tell her again, but this time not so nicely. Be serious and tell her, "this is not a request, this is something I expect". Explain that you're not complaining about things that don't matter, these are things that could potentially be life threatening. You wouldn't let them drive him around with no car seat would you? It's the same thing. It's a touchy situation, but trust me, you want them to respect you as the mother now, and not fight that battle a few years from now. I stay home now with baby #2 and it's so much better between me and my mom. Good luck!

 

Kara H. - January 24

I have been having the same problem. I have not completely fixed it, but I have improved it. I already had a copy of what to expect the first year, so I bought another copy for them. When I am having a problem with them and they are giving me that "this is what we did with you" speach I remind them that doctors used to think getting lots of sun was healthy (or whatever health issue applys to them) and then tell them to turn to page.... and see what the experts are saying now on that subject. What to Expect is a little more conservative than my parental approach, but when it comes to my parents I say I follow it religiously. Now they reference the book on their own when they get some great new idea and usually figure out for themselves that is not the way to do it now.

 

Nerdy Girl - January 24

My MIL is similar, but usually backs down when I ask her to stop. She would put these little garter things on the crib sheet to hold it down. Hello??? How about save time and just strangle the baby? Sheesh! She has also saved literally EVERYTHING from when he kids were young. Her oldest is 42, so you can imagine some of the old things that are around her house. This folding wood crib she had was a total death trap with exposed metal latches that could completely remove a baby's finger. We ended up getting a modern crib for her house, and I bought her current elastic crib sheets (so she didn't use the garters). She wants to put karo syrup in everything to make my son eat it, but I told her not to. But the others bring up a good point - your child will not get the love anywhere else like they will get from a grandparent. So you have to take the good with the bad and just maintain open communication to make sure your requests are being honored.

 

mcatherine - January 24

My father insisted on giving my oldest carrots to gnaw on when he was teething. I got the same speeches and lectures about how he raised 3 kids, we were all healthy blah, blah, blah. I sat down and told him how it scared me that he kept giving him carrots and although I knew he knew what he was doing when it came to raising his children - that it didn't make it any less scary for me since this was MY child. I told him he would have plenty of time to sneak in things I had wouldn't let my son have later, but for now could he please just respect me as his daughter and as a parent. He did (and was impressed with the way I handled it, lol) and they stopped giving him carrots that day. The next day I showed up to pick up my son - he was chewing on a frozen waffle! Turns out, my father made a few phone calls to find something baby friendly that wasn't a choking hazard (although it is messy!!) So, we compromised - grandpa could give him frozen waffles instead of carrots and all was well with the world for a while....

 

Emily - January 24

my mom watches my gils and they aer pretty good about most of the safety things. My mom had my sister though ten years after her next youngest and times had changed liek the back to sleep and all. So she is pretty good with most of my requests. the things she does are more of a prefernce than anything, like not letting my dd eat off her plate cause then she wont eat at hom unles she is eating off our plates....which bugs dh but not really me. (my mom never would have alowed us to eat off her plate, but anything goes with Mary....) also about taking naps.,,,,she doesn't always force the issue with Mary and will rock her to sleep most of the time and then she won't take a nap at home somtiimes cause she wants to be rocked. about the safty things, I wuold def try to get your mom to go to the doc with you....

 

shelly - January 24

I agree with kara regarding when doctors thought was safe back then now definatly isnt. sometimes parents are stuck in a time warp with the way that they used to do things but times change dont they, I would speak to your parents and say that this is the way you want things done otherwises you are considering daycare, you are just looking out for the safety of your son,can you approach them like this without causing offence,its very hard where family are concerned, i dont leave my ds with my mil or his family because ive seen the way they do things with their other granchildren as well as with mine,im not keen with the way my mum does things either but i was more so trust her ,when i had my first ds i appreciated all the help and advice and followed a lot of their advice and the way they did things and i was a nervous mum , but with second ds i feel more comfortable and i want to do it my way,like shea said would be a great idea if yur mum would go to the peds with you,good luck ,its not easy.

 

rebolson - January 24

Thank you all for your responses. It's just a very hard predicament to be in. If we switched to outside daycare, that would be bad, bad, bad for our relationship. Very bad. I think I will try getting my mom to go to the doctor with us...that's a great idea. Thank you again!

 

rl- - January 24

well I can relate somewhat my mom takes care of my ds too but she mostly goes by what I say...and if she does not she tells me and a couple of things I made sure to let her know are very dangerous ....baby asprin and raw honey and as long as she does not give him that I am fine I know she has her ways heck she is my mom but she would not do anything really bad other than the baby asprin or honey just cause she did not know it was bad but once I told her she was like ok no baby asprin or raw honey...so maybe you should take her along to the pedi next time but also this is your mom and she loves your ds and I don't think she would do anything to hurt him and it is true she raised you and your sister right ya'll made it LOL good luck!!

 

SonyaM - January 24

I had the same problem when my mom watched my first ds while I worked(although it was never dangerous stuff). I even paid her and it didn't help give me any "authority". I finally told her that if she wouldn't do what I felt was best I would find someone who would. That really didn't work either so I put him a day care two days a week when he was 14 months old. I was off on Fridays anyway to be with him so this meant she only got two days a week to spend with him. We did this for a year and then put him in a preschool full time when he was two. I wish I had some advice for you but if they are doing things that can put your son in danger you have to find alternate care. You also dont' want to get into the situation where they are doing what they want but telling you what you want to hear. That could be worse. Good luck.

 

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