Question About Husbands

18 Replies
Gena - January 28

Did anyone hate the way their husband dealt w/ lo so bad they thought about divorce?? My husband already says some of the worst things ever to our baby and she's only 3 weeks. He doesn't even have a job right now and will not get up with her, b/c she's a "brat" and cries for no reason. And when I get up w/ her and she cries, he just laughs for like 5 minutes straight. I just want to cry. I find all the patience in the world for the baby and I dont' mind doing everything myself but it's not fair and it makes me not want to leave the house b/c he has no sense of the fact that she's a baby it seems. And It alked to a friend about it and all they could say is it sounds like I'm depressed. I don't feel depressed about the baby and about myself. I just wonder about my husband.

 

mandee25 - January 28

Aww I fel bad for ya hon. My hubby is good with our ds but I can see sometimes that he gets frustrated with the crying. My man works all week so I have to get up with Noah in the night and he has him all night on Saturday nights to give me a break. I hope you get this sorted out soon.

 

Gena - January 28

Thanks. He got fired right before Thanksgiving and it wasn't his fault and he was doing really well with her at first but it's like he's given up. I refuse to let anyone talk down to my child. It's not fair to her.

 

SonyaM - January 28

Gena, I feel bad for you and I don't know what is causing him to behave this way. Have you tried having a heart to heart with him? I wish I knew what the answer was but not knowing him it's hard to say. I wish you luck.

 

Gena - January 28

Yes I've tried talking to him and he just says that "she's a brat" and he can't handle it. REally, she's a good baby. Sometimes she just wants to be rocked to sleep or held and I think he thinks she needs to sleep all the time. He know's I'm upset about it. And if I start to cry he says get over it, you guys are both cry babies. I don't know if he's jealous or not but I can't stand to see him talk bad to either ofus. I know it'sprobably worse right now b/c he doesn't have a job and I'm on maternity leave but then I think what'sgoing to happen when I go back to work. I'm going to be worried about her all the time and shouldn't be when it's my own husband. And she's only awake for short time right now, what's goign to happen when she needs more attention.

 

vonzo - January 28

I'm really sorry that you're feeling this way. I'm really lucky and my hubby loves taking care of our dd thankfully. Do you think he might be the one who's depressed. He's just lost his job and might be feeling like a failure and his way of dealing with feeling that wya could be to take it out on you and your dd. I'm afraid i don't have a solution for you. Maybe try talking to him again and if you don't get anywhere then you could try a harder more severe approach?? Hope you get it sorted! x

 

amber508 - January 28

When i had our first daughter (now 2) my husband was good for the first month. He works all night and sleeps all day so I am on my own. Needless to say, he wasnt good after that month about helping me out, and he was mad at me all the attention I gave her, but how can you not? She cant take care of herself, and when they cry they are telling you they need/want something... you cant really ignore them. Anyways, we ended up seperating for two months I went home to California with the baby and stayed with my family, and he stayed here in Cleveland OH by himself. I filed for Legal Seperation and planned on Divorce after all was said and done.. but had to live in CA for 6 months b4 that could be possibly for me to file for. He barely called me , the whole drive across country he didnt call to make sure we were safe, two women taveling in this day and age. IN my mind that was it, he didnt care so why should I? And how could he resent our beautiful child? Well, he then came to his senses and promised things would change, so I came back. We worked a lot out, besides the resentment for our child, there were many more problems in my marriage, abuse, his working all night and sleeping all day, money and debts, and my wanting to be with family which is in CA and his refusing to move out of OH even when he has no family but us here. Anyways we stayed together and a lot changed, I got pregnant again, just had our second child, another girl, he was good during the pregnancy, but I noticed after I had her he stopped helping me pretty much, I took my mother to the airport and in order for him to watch the girls I had to make him bottles (Shes on formula). He is highly lazy and again sleeping all day working all night so I am on my own. I have told him this time I am going to be the one wanting to seperate if He doesnt change his ways, its almost like making them is great, but having them is too much. He loses his temper with our 2 yr old, thinks she shouldnt throw tantrums and should always listen to him, I try telling him she is good, and she is going thru her terrible twos and its not her fault always, I mean for Gods sake she isnt talking yet to comunicate. Some men just cant handle kids, he plays with her sometimes, and he takes care of the baby at night on the weekends sometimes, but he's not good at handling them very well. He also says the baby is fine and to let her cry, and hes also said some other mean things... Do I still think maybe divorce would be a good idea? Yes, but, I dont want to just give up... My advice to you? Talk to him until you are blue in the face, if he still doesnt change his ways, tell him you're thinking of maybe a little seperation. I know its hard, but it'll either get better or stay the same/worse and that will show you if you need to divorce or not. If you wanna talk, my e-mail is adelong508 at yahoo dot com I would be more than happy to talk to you privately.

 

amber508 - January 28

PS I very rarely leave my children alone with my husband, even though I know he wouldnt hurt the, I worry he wont tend to them as should be done. and he gets too mad too easily with them.

 

CyndiG - January 28

Gena honey, I don't have an answer for you. But I can say that a 3 week old baby is not a "brat". Babies do not cry for no reason. Babies want you to hold them and cuddle them and love them. That's what YOU need to do. Don't let him influence you otherwise. It's your job to stand up for your baby. He needs to come around and be a loving supportive sweet daddy, and you need to demand nothing less. In the meantime, I WOULD NOT leave the baby with him alone. Most men aren't very patient with babies anyway, and I know you would hate yourself if you left the baby with him and he did something to it, or even didn't do anything and just left it to cry! And him laughing at you while you're trying to take care of the baby is just childish and demeaning. If you don't mind me asking how old are you two? Are your parents around to help? Don't let his actions doubt your abilities to care for the baby, or to doubt your sanity. Be strong!

 

CyndiG - January 28

After I reread my post, I didn't mean doubt your sanity like your a crazy person. I mean't to make you feel like you're depressed if you really aren't.

 

vicky9989 - January 28

Thats a nasty thing to say that your daughters a brat. I honestly would off told him to leave.x

 

Erin1979 - January 28

It sounds to me like he is the one who is depressed. Losing your job, having a baby, etc. all HUGE stresses. I think this is his way of dealing with it. He's taking it out on your daughter. I would have a chat with him, tell him how you feel, and suggest that he should go and talk to someone....and try to get another job. Just my opinion.

 

Mommy_to_be - January 28

Your friend is terrible! Reading these posts (not to boast) makes me so happy that my fiance is the amazing father that he is. At night when she wakes up to b___stfeed, he takes her out of her crib while I undress, I'll feed her in bed and he'll go back to sleep, but I'll wake him up to burp her (and sometimes change her to wake her up a bit) while I get ready to feed her on the other side, then when she's done eating, he'll rock her and put her down while I go back to bed. Sometimes he does get a little frustrated bc she'll be completely asleep but when he puts her down she grunts, groans, and cries - sometimes she does this a couple times - and he'll be like "ugh, I don't understand why she does this" and I just remind him that she's just a baby and isn't doing this on purpose, that she is just uncomfortable and wants to be held...that helps him to relax again. Gena, I recommend looking into some couples therapy...seriously...he shouldn't be talking that way about you or the baby, and shouldn't act like caring for her is a chore. It's sad that you worry about leaving her alone with him (I would too if I were you). So I would seek help if I were you, and if things don't change...you and your daughter will be better off without him.

 

sahmof3 - January 28

I'm thinking that maybe it is HIM that's depressed... or frustrated... about his job situation and instead of talking directly about what's bothering him he's "picking" at you. Maybe you could try to find someone to watch the baby for an hour or two and go out alone together... tell him that you support him, but you need him to tell you what's bothering him... and let him talk if he will. Otherwise, I don't know... his behavior get old very quickly I imagine.

 

Gena - January 28

Thanks to everyone for your responses. It's nice to hear from other people that my complaints are valid. Cyndi, I'm 24 and he's 30.

 

CyndiG - January 28

I asked how old ya'll were, thinking that maybe he was just really young and not ready for the responsiblitliy, but 30 is plenty old enough to be ready! I agree with the other girls, that it's totally him. You are in a hard place right now. I don't know what to say.............I would like to say however, without offending anyone in particular, because there are several posts on here that has done this, but I don't think it really helps Gena, in this situation, to tell her how "great" your dh is and how much he does for the baby....jmo.

 

Kara H. - January 28

If I were you I would be depressed that my husband was such an a__s! He doesn't work, doesn't care for your child and is not supporting you emotionally as you navigate thru the first weeks of motherhood. What does he do?!?! I would definitely think about getting into some couples counseling (mainly for him) and definitely go to a new parents cla__s together. (I'm sure you are doing a fine job, but I doubt he would go on his own). You are more than justifed in your frustration, but I would not leave your child alone in his care until he improves his parenting skills. I know I had times when LO was tiny that I thought I was going to pull my hair out, so if he is not coping well with you right there, he definitely couldn't cope with her having a meltdown all by himself. Also consider going to your library and renting a copy of the video "The Happiest Baby On The Block". It goes with a book by the same name, but I doubt you have the time to read a book right now. :) Also you should contact your local family services office. They usually have a mentor mother program that wil help you find ways to get on a system with your baby plus it's nice to have a real person to talk to when you are having a feeding/sleeping problem with your baby. A client of mine is a mentor mother and most people are love the service she provides.

 

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