Question About Significant Other

19 Replies
amberC - February 6

I am 19 years old. my dd is gonna be 2 months on the 13. my bf is 21. he is ready to settle down and get married. we have talked about it and even started planning but i am scared. i didnt think it was normal to already have cold feet. i guess im just nervous b/c im so young and most marriages dont work out if you get married so young. I still enjoy going out and partying with my friends. and my dd is always well taken care of. she is left with my bfs mom and she is amazing with her. my dd is never neglected. ever. my bf doesnt liek me going out with my friends. i am just wondering if this makes me shelfish for wanting to still have fun and not want to settle down. i was jsut wondering if anyone had any advice that could help me make the right decision. first and foremost i am worried about what is best for dd. i want everything to be right for her!

 

sophandbob - February 6

I think maybe you should calrify with how often you like to go out. If it is every single night, I can see you bf point of view. If it is once a month, then I can't.

 

sophandbob - February 6

*clarify

 

piratesmermaid - February 6

I agree with sophandbob, though as far as what's best for your daughter IMO, a child needs both her parents, a secure and functioning family. So long as the parents love eachother and treat eachother right, and treat the child right. I married when I was 20, my in laws were high school sweethearts and they're still going strong. Just because your young doesn't mean the marriage would be doomed. As far as the going out and having fun thing, it's like sophandbob said, how often?

 

mcatherine - February 6

Honey, I'm 33, two kids and I've been married for a LONG time. I still go out. So does my husband. Sometimes - we even make it out of the house together. If he doesn't like you doing something - my only advice is to figure it out BEFORE you get married. As for the rest - getting married and having children doesn't mean you can't go out - it does mean that when you do go out there is no flirting, table dancing, shots, exchanging phone numbers, excessive drinking, you get the point....

 

mcatherine - February 6

Oh - yea - and what they say (lol) - not every night either. I have girls night almost every Thursday, but I don't go out until after my 5 mo old is in bed...

 

soon2bemomof3 - February 6

I agree that if you like to go out everynight than I think that could be a problem BUT every one needs a night out once in awhile. As for the post about needing both parents for a childs best interest, I was a SINGLE mom for 6 years and my DD is a STRAIGHT A STUDENT and VERY VERY HAPPY even though her dad is not in her life. So no you don't need both parents for the child to be happy and succeed in life so don't settle just because you have a child together but if you love him then do it. Either way I'm sure you'll be happy with your decision.

 

Gena - February 6

If you have a lot of second thoughts about getting married. Take it from me, don't do it. Some second guessing is complete normal. I say wait a little while, you have all the time int he world. Good luck.

 

ash2 - February 6

Honestly if the only reason that you are putting off marriage and your family is because you want to go out and party with all of your friends all the time, then you should have thought about that before kids. Having kids is not an " oca__sional" thing that if you feel like you want to take care of her one day, and one day you dont, then thats not what being a mother is. A mother is a full-time job and should be taken seriously. You say she is well taken care of ...well thats fine, but YOU are her mother and should be the one taking care of her......not your boyfriends mom. I havent been out with my friends ( party friends) since i had kids. Kids are a priority, and should be your first. Its time to ditch the " parties " and be a mom. As far as the marriage goes, im not going to tell you that you need to marry him, because if you are not ready than you dont need to, but you dont have a choice to " get ready " to be a mom. You have to start when you are pregnant. Yes you are young and probably still want to get all that " partying " out of you, but you made that decision when you got preggo ! If you love your husband and want to be with him, i think it is good for the parents of any child to be married if it can work. I hope i am wrong, but from your post i am gonna go out on a limb and say your are " pawning" your child off to someone so you can go party.....regardless of how " well taken care of " she is.Oh, and if your boyfriend doesnt like you going off with your friends then they are probably not the friends that you should have now that you are a mother IMO. I hope i dont sound too harsh, but i was kind of in your shoes once, untill i realized what was more important to me : )

 

mandee25 - February 6

I guess I was lucky and got all my partying in done before I got married. I don't hang around those partying people anymore. I have changed a lot. Anyways, I would also like to know how many nights a week you do go out because if it's once a month like sophandbob says then it's okay but anymore than that. You say your dd is your priority. Well IMO (and you did ask for it) I would think you would want to be a role model for your daughter. As for the marriage question, don't rush it.

 

Emily - February 6

I agree with the other ladies. As long as you do not go out every night, but just once in a while, then it is okay and your boyfriend should be okay with that. If he isn't then there may be some jeoulsy issues or some control issues. Also if you are going out a lot, no matter how well taken care of your dd is, then you need to rethink some things. I think that it is best for your dd to have both loving parents. If you would be happiest together, then that is ideal, but if you don’t feel you will be happy that way, your dd won't get the benefit of having married parents. It doesn’t matter your age, but how mature you are. If you marry young, but know it will hard work and prepare for it, then it can work. If you do decided to marry and want to continue to go out occationally, then you need to address this with your boyfriend. Mommy's need time alone too, but like the others said you still need ot be responcibel in the way you go out. Like no getting plastered and staying out all night and putting yourself in a situation where something could happen. It is you resonsibility to your dd to stay clear headed and make good choices for her and you. It is normal to have cold feet, but not a nagging feeling. In the end do what you believe is right. Do you love him? Can you work out this issue with his not likeing you going out. (If it is only occational.) you have all the time in the world to make a decision.

 

ash2 - February 6

BTW...i got married at nineteen, so its not that young of an age if you really want it.

 

aurorabunny - February 6

Well said Ash, I agree. Amberc, I'm not saying you're like this because I don't even know you, but being I know many young moms and act like all they had to do was obstain from smoking and drinking for 9 months and as soon as the kid was popped out, it was time to go back to the party lifestyle and it really irritates me. I even know a friend of a friend who works 5 days a week, and then sends her daughter to grandma's for the whole weekend just so she can party all weekend long. That poor baby never even sees her mom. Some cases like that are just said. Ash2 said it very well, it's not like us moms aren't ent_tled to go out and have some fun once in a while, on special occasions, or just go get a break--whatever. But the constant party time should end when you realize that it's time to be a grown up.

 

lexa - February 6

At 19 how much can you really party being underage? Honestly, it sounds as though you just don't want to get married. You keep stressing in your post about your dd being well taken care of and "left with bf's mom" as though you are using this to say that all is fine. Sort of like the phrase "if it's not broken why fix it". You said you wanted help to make the right decision. It sounds to me as though you have a decision made but would like us to try to either change your mind, or agree with the one you have made silently. Whatever you do ultimately in the end, just make sure your dd is still well taken care of! Good luck!

 

Rabbits07 - February 6

Just as people who are not happy together staying together "for the kids" is not a good idea, neither is getting married for that reason so if you get married don't do it just because you think it is best for your daughter. these are definitely issues that should be dealt with before you wed, but no one here can really tell you whether you should or shouldn't. It is natural to get cold feet and think about the should or should I's and that is why you really need to communicate with your partner. He should know that going out and partying is something that you are not willing to give up. I urge you to sit down and have a LONG talk with him about what you both expect and are and aren't willing to do. Of course, there will probably be things that you won't see eye to eye on, but the thing you want to find out is if those are things you can live with. I can tell you that marriage can work even at a young age. Dh and I married when I was 18 and we will be celebrating our 15th anniversary next month :-)

 

cae - February 6

I think that the fact that you are even asking, and second guessing yourself means that you are not 100% ready. So, you should wait a little. You are still young and if you want to hang out with friends and not be in a committed relationship at this point, then dont commit yourself. You commit to your daughter and make sure she is well taken care of, and it sounds like she is. Yes, I do believe that having both parents in the picture is best for the child, however, both parents have to WANT the commitment and be together, no just one. So if you are having doubts, then dont get married. It wont hurt to wait. Dont rush into it. Talk it over with your bf. Marriage should be taken seriously and it is a lifelong commitment. I do agree with above that just because you are married means no more hanging out. But I do say, if you are not ready and since you are questioning it, just wait until you are absolutely sure of it. Hope all goes well.

 

amberC - February 6

first of all i do not pawn my daughter off on anyone. i do not go out and party all the time. it is only every once in a while. and far between. i am young but i am a great mom to my little girl. The main problem is if i want to settle or if i should. i am terrified of the marriage prospect. my daughter is my entire world and when i do go out i dont hang out with bad people. most of them have children to. i think it is mostly the fact that i am wiht other people. he tends to get jealous sometimes.

 

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