I Am So Depressed After Miscarriage

26 Replies
michelle - March 18

I just had my first miscarriage this last week. I was 10 weeks. I have never felt such strong emotions that I am feeling now. I hurt so much. I know how it feels to lose something so precious. I have a 10 year old daughter and a 13 month old son. They are the greatest. Is there anyone out there that can relate to how I feel. Why do I feel so at loss?

 

cherylann - March 19

Dear Grieving, I just wanted to say that I am so sorry to hear your story. I lost my baby on March 10th and the pain has been so deep and so difficult. You may think that you need to hide your pain from people but, you have an understanding group of people who share your sad story and it is ok to grieve and talk about your pain here. I have been sobbing to God and telling him how much it hurts. I am glad that you are a Christian and have the Lord to lean on during this difficult time. Just remember not to blame yourself . Grieve until the sorrow is gone and write when you need to speak of your pain. United by our faith and our loss.

 

nailgal - August 11

I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks I found out last friday at my ultrasound it was not the news i was expecting.Today I gave birth to that baby and found out that it was a little girl. The one thing that I feel good about is that I was able to give birth to her and yes a little piece of me died with her and it hurts more then words can explain. I have a 18 month old daughter at home and she has helped me so much with her smiles and hugs and kisses.my prayers are with you.

 

jessie04 - August 18

Grieving, I hope this message reaches you at a time of more peace. I wanted to let you know a little of my story, and hopefully bring the message to you that the "load" does become lighter with time. I had my 1st child in Dec 2000, at 37 weeks healthy but small with bedrest. I had my 2nd child at 18 weeks, stillborn/miscarriage. The placenta failed, we believe. I had my 3rd child, stillborn at 32 weeks, blood clots in my placenta. My 2nd perfect baby son...sigh. I was able to see and touch my 2nd and 3rd babies, and I held my 3rd child after I delivered him. My 4th pregnancy ended in missed miscarriage; I miscarried sometime around 8 weeks, but carried thinking I was still pregnant until 12 weeks. Sigh...that was terrible, knowing I walked around thinking...well, it was awful. The baby with my 4th pregnancy had a chromosome abnormality . All my others were perfect. My 1st child is my now 5 1/2 year old healthy beautiful daughter. My 2nd would be 2. My 3rd would have been 1 earlier this year. My 4th would be 6 months now. I should have 4 living kids, but I only have one. It is still very difficult to see newborns, I cringe and pull inside when I see them. I absolutely cannot hold a newborn. With older babies, when they lose that "newborn" look, you know what I mean?, I am ok with them. I've been there before with my daughter, so I am ok with holding them. But the months and years have added on to my life, and now I am at a point of quiet acceptance of my little angels fates. I may not be able to hold a newborn, and I might be very uncomfortable around pregnant women, but I am not crying every day, or feeling lost and empty as I did for so long. I know that they are with me, if not in physical form. I think sometimes it's harder with an early miscarriage, and I understand that grief. I wish you peace and comfort. Jessie

 

Lizzieboo - February 23

I just had a miscarriage a little over a week ago. This is my third miscarriage, and I have no children of my own. My husband has two teenaged children, and there are people in my life who say things like, " you are a mom, to the boys." They HAVE a mom, and I'm not her. I will NEVER be her, and I love them a great deal, but I don't WANT to be. They need that relationship with HER, not me. The thing is, With my first miscarriage, I almost died in the process, and then I had SEVERE postpartum depression. I still haven't gotten over it. With my second, it was a little easier, since it was only a couple of days, and it wasn't so physically difficult, but I was still depressed and disappointed about it. My ex husband and I split a few years later, childless, and in his mind, I believe that our lack of children was part of his reasoning. A couple of weeks after getting engaged to my current husband, my Brother announces that he and his wife were expecting their first child. I was happy for them, resentful, and jealous all at the same time. I wasn't even married! I should have been able to just be happy for them without the jealousy, but I was anyway. I had a hard time understanding my feelings. My best friend, a teacher that I was working with at the time, and several teen aged students were all pregnant as well. ( I was a middle school teacher) I was kind of angry about it all. I remarried in July of 2011, and we waited about a year before trying. I did the whole taking the temperature, using a calendar, whatever would help me get pregnant. Being a Christian, and knowing that my ex would have been an atrocious father, I chose to believe that my miscarriages were God protecting me and a child from his bad ethics and lifestyle, and was positive that since i am now married to an amazing man with two fantastic children, who is a fabulous father, that God would allow me to finally become a mother. No dice. Seven months after beginning the "trying" process, I found out I was pregnant. I waited about a week after finding out to tell my parents and siblings about it, because of the last time. The very next day, I lost it. I felt this was incredibly unfair. I am experiencing some anger, anti-social tendencies, agoraphobia, of course grief, and feeling physically terrible-tired, stomach ill, and achy. I want to be ME again. I don't want to go to church, i don't want to see my friends or family, I don't even really want to hang out with my husband, who I adore. I am torn between wanting to try again, and being terrified to have to go through this again. It is just so much WORK to think or feel. I am currently a subst_tute teacher, and I can't even make myself take a job with out having anxiety. My brother had to have emergency surgery on his ankle two days ago, and I was asked to watch my 17 month nephew. I resented it, rather than wanted to help. I HATE how I feel. I want to go back to being a bubbly, friendly, social person who likes to help others, teaches youth at church and cares about people instead of this angry, anti-social, teary-eyed mess. I know it's only been a week, but how I feel is just so overwhelming. I can't imagine it going on much longer. I'm not a danger to myself, I feel that it is important to state that. My self-worth is not entirely wrapped up in being a mother, despite how I feel right now. It's just so hard to breath, though.

 

Lizzieboo - February 23

I just had a miscarriage a little over a week ago. This is my third miscarriage, and I have no children of my own. My husband has two teenaged children, and there are people in my life who say things like, " you are a mom, to the boys." They HAVE a mom, and I'm not her. I will NEVER be her, and I love them a great deal, but I don't WANT to be. They need that relationship with HER, not me. The thing is, With my first miscarriage, I almost died in the process, and then I had SEVERE postpartum depression. I still haven't gotten over it. With my second, it was a little easier, since it was only a couple of days, and it wasn't so physically difficult, but I was still depressed and disappointed about it. My ex husband and I split a few years later, childless, and in his mind, I believe that our lack of children was part of his reasoning. A couple of weeks after getting engaged to my current husband, my Brother announces that he and his wife were expecting their first child. I was happy for them, resentful, and jealous all at the same time. I wasn't even married! I should have been able to just be happy for them without the jealousy, but I was anyway. I had a hard time understanding my feelings. My best friend, a teacher that I was working with at the time, and several teen aged students were all pregnant as well. ( I was a middle school teacher) I was kind of angry about it all. I remarried in July of 2011, and we waited about a year before trying. I did the whole taking the temperature, using a calendar, whatever would help me get pregnant. Being a Christian, and knowing that my ex would have been an atrocious father, I chose to believe that my miscarriages were God protecting me and a child from his bad ethics and lifestyle, and was positive that since i am now married to an amazing man with two fantastic children, who is a fabulous father, that God would allow me to finally become a mother. No dice. Seven months after beginning the "trying" process, I found out I was pregnant. I waited about a week after finding out to tell my parents and siblings about it, because of the last time. The very next day, I lost it. I felt this was incredibly unfair. I am experiencing some anger, anti-social tendencies, agoraphobia, of course grief, and feeling physically terrible-tired, stomach ill, and achy. I want to be ME again. I don't want to go to church, i don't want to see my friends or family, I don't even really want to hang out with my husband, who I adore. I am torn between wanting to try again, and being terrified to have to go through this again. It is just so much WORK to think or feel. I am currently a subst_tute teacher, and I can't even make myself take a job with out having anxiety. My brother had to have emergency surgery on his ankle two days ago, and I was asked to watch my 17 month nephew. I resented it, rather than wanted to help. I HATE how I feel. I want to go back to being a bubbly, friendly, social person who likes to help others, teaches youth at church and cares about people instead of this angry, anti-social, teary-eyed mess. I know it's only been a week, but how I feel is just so overwhelming. I can't imagine it going on much longer. I'm not a danger to myself, I feel that it is important to state that. My self-worth is not entirely wrapped up in being a mother, despite how I feel right now. It's just so hard to breath, though.

 

Lizzieboo - February 23

I just had a miscarriage a little over a week ago. This is my third miscarriage, and I have no children of my own. My husband has two teenaged children, and there are people in my life who say things like, " you are a mom, to the boys." They HAVE a mom, and I'm not her. I will NEVER be her, and I love them a great deal, but I don't WANT to be. They need that relationship with HER, not me. The thing is, With my first miscarriage, I almost died in the process, and then I had SEVERE postpartum depression. I still haven't gotten over it. With my second, it was a little easier, since it was only a couple of days, and it wasn't so physically difficult, but I was still depressed and disappointed about it. My ex husband and I split a few years later, childless, and in his mind, I believe that our lack of children was part of his reasoning. A couple of weeks after getting engaged to my current husband, my Brother announces that he and his wife were expecting their first child. I was happy for them, resentful, and jealous all at the same time. I wasn't even married! I should have been able to just be happy for them without the jealousy, but I was anyway. I had a hard time understanding my feelings. My best friend, a teacher that I was working with at the time, and several teen aged students were all pregnant as well. ( I was a middle school teacher) I was kind of angry about it all. I remarried in July of 2011, and we waited about a year before trying. I did the whole taking the temperature, using a calendar, whatever would help me get pregnant. Being a Christian, and knowing that my ex would have been an atrocious father, I chose to believe that my miscarriages were God protecting me and a child from his bad ethics and lifestyle, and was positive that since i am now married to an amazing man with two fantastic children, who is a fabulous father, that God would allow me to finally become a mother. No dice. Seven months after beginning the "trying" process, I found out I was pregnant. I waited about a week after finding out to tell my parents and siblings about it, because of the last time. The very next day, I lost it. I felt this was incredibly unfair. I am experiencing some anger, anti-social tendencies, agoraphobia, of course grief, and feeling physically terrible-tired, stomach ill, and achy. I want to be ME again. I don't want to go to church, i don't want to see my friends or family, I don't even really want to hang out with my husband, who I adore. I am torn between wanting to try again, and being terrified to have to go through this again. It is just so much WORK to think or feel. I am currently a subst_tute teacher, and I can't even make myself take a job with out having anxiety. My brother had to have emergency surgery on his ankle two days ago, and I was asked to watch my 17 month nephew. I resented it, rather than wanted to help. I HATE how I feel. I want to go back to being a bubbly, friendly, social person who likes to help others, teaches youth at church and cares about people instead of this angry, anti-social, teary-eyed mess. I know it's only been a week, but how I feel is just so overwhelming. I can't imagine it going on much longer. I'm not a danger to myself, I feel that it is important to state that. My self-worth is not entirely wrapped up in being a mother, despite how I feel right now. It's just so hard to breath, though.

 

Gomo23 - October 2

I had a 2nd miscarriage 2days ago. I am in such a bad state asking myself what did I miss. I have a son who is 10yrs and I knew he would be happy to have a little brother or sister. I am so depressed purely because I don't get answers that will make sense to me. My 1st miscarriage was 25th Dec 2015 (16wks) and 2nd 30th(10wks) September 2016. To add salt to my sadness my boyfriend has distant himself , I don't know if it is his way of dealing with it but he wakes up, go to work or meet the boys and come back late while I am fast asleep after taking sleeping pills. I live far from home because I am in another province because of work. I honestly don't have friends. My daily routine is work, yoga,reading books, movies alone and so on. So I find myself feeling lonely and sad. The past 2days I have only been eating yoghurt as i can't get myself out of bed to make myself food. I cry and sleep wake and hope this is a dream. I am scared to try again. I had a D&C how long before can one conceive again? What can I do in the meantime while I find my strength? I am crushed 

 

 

Gomo23 - October 2

I had a 2nd miscarriage 2days ago. I am in such a bad state asking myself what did I miss. I have a son who is 10yrs and I knew he would be happy to have a little brother or sister. I am so depressed purely because I don't get answers that will make sense to me. My 1st miscarriage was 25th Dec 2015 (16wks) and 2nd 30th(10wks) September 2016. To add salt to my sadness my boyfriend has distant himself , I don't know if it is his way of dealing with it but he wakes up, go to work or meet the boys and come back late while I am fast asleep after taking sleeping pills. I live far from home because I am in another province because of work. I honestly don't have friends. My daily routine is work, yoga,reading books, movies alone and so on. So I find myself feeling lonely and sad. The past 2days I have only been eating yoghurt as i can't get myself out of bed to make myself food. I cry and sleep wake and hope this is a dream. I am scared to try again. I had a D&C how long before can one conceive again? What can I do in the meantime while I find my strength? I am crushed 

 

 

Gomo23 - October 2

I had a 2nd miscarriage 2days ago. I am in such a bad state asking myself what did I miss. I have a son who is 10yrs and I knew he would be happy to have a little brother or sister. I am so depressed purely because I don't get answers that will make sense to me. My 1st miscarriage was 25th Dec 2015 (16wks) and 2nd 30th(10wks) September 2016. To add salt to my sadness my boyfriend has distant himself , I don't know if it is his way of dealing with it but he wakes up, go to work or meet the boys and come back late while I am fast asleep after taking sleeping pills. I live far from home because I am in another province because of work. I honestly don't have friends. My daily routine is work, yoga,reading books, movies alone and so on. So I find myself feeling lonely and sad. The past 2days I have only been eating yoghurt as i can't get myself out of bed to make myself food. I cry and sleep wake and hope this is a dream. I am scared to try again. I had a D&C how long before can one conceive again? What can I do in the meantime while I find my strength? I am crushed 

 

 

MilanaK - April 25

I can't hold back my tears reading your stories girls. I feel the same...I can't hold myself up and BE happy. It lasts for 9 years... I feel so stressed all the time. I can't eat properly, can't sleep without pills, can't meet with family and friends. Going out with friends makes me even more depressed. All of them have children and obviously they talk mostly about them. And I'm sitting there quietly, waiting when I can finally go home. I feel like my husband drifts apart from me. It makes everything even worse. I had 3 MCs and they influenced our relationships greatly. The last one was 3 months ago. I know he is also in pain. This situation is hard for him and he also needs time and space to get over this. But I feel like these 9 years of losses and pain doesn't give us chance to enjoy our marriage. Last couple of years are all the same. We are like robots, waiting for miracle to come into our life and change it. I'm crying all the time. I quit my job because I couldn't work properly... I'm just sitting at home, scared to go out, and feeling like I'm slowly dying... I hate myself for these thoughts. I know I should stay positive and believe in the best... But I just can't force myself. The only thing which gives me some hope now is chance that we can turn to surrogacy. For the first time in these years I feel that we have REAL chance to have children. My husband doesn't support me. First of all surrogacy is illegal here in Italy. I told him we could go abroad. He thinks surrogacy is too expensive for us. But I believe I will convince him this is a good option for us. 

 

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