Infertility

6 Replies
cosmicgirl - December 19

Hello everyone! I came here in hope to get some info. I’m 32, married, no kids. We dream about children and we came to the point where we don’t know what to do with our desire. I was born without a uterus so our chances to conceive naturally are like 0%. We are looking for options. First thing that comes to my mind is surrogacy. My husband thinks it’s a good option, but I have some doubts. I think it’s kind of unnatural and wrong maybe… I think women become surrogates only because of money. I guess such women have bad genetics or poor minds. Don’t take me wrong, I just think that this is weird to carry a baby for a stranger. Unfortunately we don’t have many options. I want to try to look for surrogate mother by myself. I’ve seen many girls on forums propose to carry a baby for infertile couples. The thing is I have no idea how to start all this process. We are from Finland. Surrogacy here is forbidden by law. It means we have to go abroad. One more problem is price. We were thinking about USA. There are many ads in the internet of different clinics and agencies. They have some databases of surrogate mothers so we can probably choose one. However reviews are so different! I thought for such price all procedures should be positive! I’m not sure we’ll find $150 000. This sum seems immense for us. Do other countries have same prices? Which country is better to go? Where this procedure is legal? I found many reviews about India. Also prices for surrogacy procedure there is lower than in USA. Unfortunately it turned out that India was closed for foreigners. I’m sorry for such flow of thoughts and questions. I really need help! I’m totally confused!

 

reginald - December 23

Hi dear OP! I'm so sorry for your situation of not being able to have children. Surrogacy sounds like it's your only option if you want to have children that share a genetic connection with you. You're right there were and still are many cases of intended parents falling into serious problems during surrogacy arrangements. 

European countries are the best to consider in my opinion. Most of them have strict laws on who can go through the program on both sides(parents and surrogates). Also the parentage of the child is based upon DNA matching and not who gives birth. 

Prices there tend to come up to almost a third of the price in USA. Plus you get the legal backing you need when it comes to assigning parentage. Deciding on surrogacy is a very important step for a couple. We made our choice very profoundly. Moreover, there're so many options now. 

Apart of price, I would take into consideration such criteria as: legal support, guarantee, number of attempts, compensation for surrogate and donor, waiting time, requirements for surrogates and donors, pediatrician service, vaccination. All info you can find either on official websites of clinics or via contacting clinics by mail. 

I hope I've helped you a little with some of your doubts. If you have any questions or just need to chat feel free to talk to me.

 

cosmicgirl - December 24

Thank you so much for your kind response. You're not the first one who tells me about Europe! I'll definitely pay more attention to it. I was afraid that surrogate mother may refuse to give us our baby. I'm glad to know that there is guarantee this won't happen. The price is huge problem for us. The fact that there are cheaper options is so relieving. Thank you for telling me all this info. You helped a lot! Thanks to you I know more details so I can move further. May I ask you a couple more questions? How did you find your surrogate? How much time did you spend to find her?

 

reginald - December 24

I'm sorry about your situation. First of all I have to say that your ex-husband is an asshole. He cheated on you and left you when you needed him the most. Moreover he told you all those horrible things. That's actually great that he took off. We don't need men who are not able to feel and understand! They are just cowards. I'm happy you've met your love and now you're happy together. 

Your thoughts about your friends getting pregnant/becoming parents are absolutely normal in our situation. I know how it feels when everyone around telling you about their pregnancies and you just feel so miserable and don't understand what you’ve done to deserve all this. These feelings are so familiar to me. I think they are close to many girls here. These thoughts don't make you a bad person. We struggle because of our infertility and some people just don't get it because they don't have it. There are so many words I want to say to my family/friends but I can't and I won't. Some people won't understand. Some of them may be offended so it will be better if I will keep silence and sob quietly in bathroom. Though we will keep these words to ourselves but we still can share them here. 

We used a clinic of reproductive medicine. It ruled the whole process. It took our clinic less than 3 months to find sm for us. I don’t think it’s long. You will have to wait longer if you have surrogacy for example in UK, Canada, Australia and New Zealand. As only altruistic surrogacy is legal there, you’ll have to find sm by yourself or wait for a “volunteer” who would carry your baby. 

Pay attention to laws regarding surrogacy. They are different in each country. At some countries(for example in Russia) you will have to go through adoption after your sm gives birth. So sm is considered a mother of a child. There is a risk she may refuse to give a baby back to intended parents. Georgia and Ukraine have now emerged as the next surrogacy hubs as there are no laws or rules so far governing the sector.

 

cosmicgirl - December 25

Hello everyone who is reading my thread! I'm still in search for information about surrogacy. At the moment there is nothing special I can update you with. Thank you so much reply! Something happened and I decided to write about it here. Last month my best friend had a miscarriage. It was her first pregnancy. She lost her baby on 7th month. All this time I've been with her trying to support and comfort her. I was really happy when she got pregnant. I can say that I wasn't jealous because it would be a lie. But she's my friend and of course I was happy for her. A couple of days ago we were at her apartment and she was telling me about her feelings. It should be mentioned that her husband took some of his stuff and just left. That was shocking news for me actually. He seemed to me very nice and supportive person. I can’t say that we were friends with him but still sometimes we went for a dinner with my friend, her husband and my husband. When she called me in the middle of a night and told that he left I was surprised by his behavior. Especially in the situation when my friend needs support the most. She asked me to move to her apartment for some time because she couldn't stay alone. First couple of days she almost didn't say a word. Then she started open up a little and shared her emotions with me. I tried to do everything possible to help her sooth her pain at least a little bit. But she told me things which really hurt me... When I was calming her down she told me something like "lucky you, because you never have to face a miscarriage". It was kind of painful to hear such thing. I didn't tell her anything about it. Then she told me "you are infertile, you will never understand my feelings". I don't know maybe she's right but it feels not right to me.

 

cosmicgirl - December 25

I'm so sorry for such a long post. I didn't think it will turn out to be that big. I really don't want to seem selfish. I understand my friend is now in a very hard situation. Losing a baby is very painful. I have no idea how hard it is for her to go through this. But now I feel myself so small... I feel like I'm nothing. I feel like she meant that I'm nothing. Yes I was born without a uterus. I will never be able to carry my baby. But I'm a woman! I want to have kids more than anything else! And she was telling those words like I'm not a woman but some creature who don't have feelings at all. I didn't want to argue with her or defend myself. I just continued supporting her because now she has no one but me. I don't think I will ever rise this topic. Maybe she told such things because she was very emotional... But for me it was like a knife into my heart. After her words I feel myself so miserable... I have no one to talk about this situation. I decided not to tell my husband about it. That's why I came here... Sorry for such a long post. I'm just looking for understanding.

 

cosmicgirl - January 16

Hello everyone who is reading my thread! How are you? I hope you are doing well. I'm so sorry I wasn't active for a while. I have nothing special to update you with. But I really missed this board and decided to share what's going on in my life. First of all I should say I'm very positive about surrogacy now! All those doubts I had are now gone! My husband and I discussed this option very thoroughly and now we are fully onboard. So now I'm spending all my free time looking for information. Thank you so much for all advises and support! I hope that we will start our journey soon. That's why I want to find centers which we can address to have surrogacy. I will be really grateful if you share your experience with me! Or maybe you know agencies or clinics which can help us. Actually we decided to go straight with a clinic and do not use any intermediaries. But still it would be nice to know more about the process and have more options to consider. 

As I've mentioned before my best friend had a miscarriage. I tried my best to be a supportive friend. Now she's doing much better! Though she said me some stuff which hurt me, it doesn't bother me anymore. The most important is that now she is "back to life". But there is one thing which upsets me. Her husband is back! When she told me this, I was like "Ummm...Really?" And somehow she's so happy that he’s back. Honestly I'm shocked. I was shocked when he left and now I'm shocked even more. I tried to talk to her and understand how she could forgive him. If he left when she needed him the most and then all of a sudden he comes back when everything gets back to normal. She doesn't want even listen what I'm saying. So I decided not to rise this topic again. The most important is she feels better now. Maybe I'm wrong and this is not big of a deal? What would you do in her place? What would you do in my position?

 

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