3rd M C And Close Friend FINALLY Successful With IVF

5 Replies
Jenna - March 24

Help! A week ago (10 wks along) I had my THIRD miscarriage and am still trying to get through it. I hadn't told very many people I was pregnant (including this friend) because I wanted to make it through the 1st trimester without incident. Wishful thinking. Anyway, a very good friend of mine has been ttc through IVF and her first attempt was not successful. She gave it another go round, and this time it was. So as she was sharing her news with me ("Guess what? I'M 5 WKS PREGNANT!!"), I burst into tears and had to tell her the whole thing. I know I'm still really emotional right now, but the devil on my shoulder is so angry I almost want to see her pregnancy fail, just like three of mine did. But the angel on the other shoulder is so happy for her (she's been trying for 9 years!) and I want to wish her the absolute best. Anyone else been through this? If so, how do you deal with it? I know it has been no picnic for her either, and must have been so heartbreaking with each infertile month. How am I going to get through the next 8 months with her? It makes me SICK! Then I feel guilty for feeling sick. Then I get sick and hurt again. Then more guilt. Will these feelings ever end?!

 

Julie C. - March 24

Jenna, I know what you're going through. I've had 2 miscarriages and have had to deal with several friends having successful pregnancies. Each time they told me, I cried (all while also telling them I was happy for them.) Last week, I told my friend/co-worker that I had miscarried and then she told me she was pregnant. We both got preg in Jan; she'd have been 2 weeks behind me if I hadn't lost mine. The loss of a pregnancy is devastating no matter how long you've been trying and it's not wrong to be jealous and angry over her success (you'll find lots of women here have had the same reaction as you describe). Now, however, I have to say a word on the other side. I've been ttc for 3 1/2 years and was about to do IUI (we haven't made it up to IVF yet) when I got preg (then miscarried). Now, I don't know how long we'll have to try again on our own before we can try IUI. I've decided that I'll give it 7 more months and then we're going to quit trying. That will be 4 years of ttc and I dont know how I've made it this long. While losing a pregnancy is a unique pain, infertility is also very very difficult and I don't know how your friend made it 9 years (another woman who posts here has tried for 8 years). Anyway, every month that you don't concieve, you feel like a huge failure, almost like another lost baby because it didn't happen yet again. You are so dissappointed and you feel like your life (and the years) are pa__sing you by. You have to undergo so many invasive tests, you have to struggle with knowing you may never be able to conceive, you wonder why you can't when it seems like everybody else can. You ask what you did to deserve this . . are you a bad person? Is God punishing you? Are you doing something wrong? (Many of the same questions we ask after a miscarriage). And, IVF in itself is a really intense thing to undergo. . . and she's done it twice! So, I guess I say: I understand what you're going through, but know, too, that your friend has been through A LOT just to conceive. She has suffered her own pain along the years and still has an awful long few months to see if her pregnancy will hold and develop normally. Her chance of miscarriage is even greater b/c of the IVF. Anyway, let yourself feel your grief, but try to think of her as sharing some of your pain and finally, finally getting a chance at success. I tell myself that I'll get through my friend's pregnancy because I would never wish this pain on her or anyone else. I hope you feel better soon. You're not alone.

 

Jenna - March 25

Hi Julie C - got Kleenex? Thank you SO much for your heartfelt and sincere post, and for being so understanding and non-judgemental. Your words nearly brought a tear to my eye! I'm very, very sorry to hear of everything you've gone through as well. I have seen some of your other posts and truly want to wish you the absolute best and most perfect success you've ever dreamed of! It is a good sign that you are able to conceive and I know you are doing everything possible to make it happen again. Your dream will come true! Take a break if you need to, but never give up! I'm almost 38 y/o so I feel like my "reproductive" days are limited. I just saw my OB today for a follow-up to my natural m/c, and he confirmed my "empty womb." How sad. I don't even know if I have it in me to try again, so I applaud your diligence and consistent efforts for the last 3 1/2 years. Thank you for sharing the other side of the coin - I'm so happy for my friend, and I hope she makes it through the duration of her pregnancy. I had no idea her risk of m/c was greater because of the IVF. Wow. I would not wish that on anyone. They implanted three fertilized eggs so maybe her dream will come true three-fold! I will support her and be there for her too. I know she needs me. Again, thank you so much for your post. You will be in my prayers, and I will be thinking of you. I hope you have a good support system - sounds like you do. God Bless, and lots and lots of hugs to you. Take care.

 

Julie C. - March 25

Jenna, thanks a lot for your good thoughts (I needed them today - had a bad day). We're still waiting to start trying again . . . probably close to 3 weeks before I ovulate (I'm guessing, of course! no way to tell for sure until that first cycle). The waiting since the miscarriage has been really hard. There's the grief of the loss, and then the feelings of 2-3 more months added on to the years . . . I'm about to turn 36 and the doc keeps saying I'm "only" 35. I know for many people who struggle with infertility (or even those who will-be first time moms at 40!) 35 does sound young - I try to remind myself of that. But I guess knowing that after 35 all your risk factors are higher, it doesn't seem "only." Still, I do try to count my blessings. ~~ I feel bad that you've had to go through this 3 times (I just don't know how I'll make it through if it happens to me again. It seems like the calendar is filling up with would-have-been-birthdays.). Have you had any successful pregnancies? You said you had a natural miscarriage, so I guess they couldn't send off for tests . . . does the doctor have any idea what's happening? My recent loss was not due to chromosonal abnormalities, so he's treating me with clomid and progesterone this coming cycle. ~~ As for your friend, whew, I am both happy and scared for her! Three eggs . . . I would be so scared to lose all three! ~~ I'm sorry, too, that you had a sad day and hope that if you decide to keep trying, you meet with success. (And, thanks to women like you, this site has become an intrinsic part of my support system. I wish I had found something like this the first time around.) All good wishes.

 

For Jenna - March 29

Hello. I am sorry for you loss. I can tell you that i am going through the same thing. My friends all seem to be getting pregnant at the snap of a finger and me... well i just had my MC 3 wks ago. My friends dont seem to see the bad irony in the situation when they tell me that they are pregnant and not keeping the baby or they are pregnant and it doesnt phase them one way or another. I have a friend who got pregnant 2 times in the past 6 months and has had both pregnancy's terminated. Unfortunately her and i have 2 different views on this and if it was up to me i would of adopted her children. Basically i say this... the world keeps turning no matter what we are handed to deal with. I can tell you that this situation will pose it self more times then not. Please realize that the more you think about it the more it will hurt. I know that is easier said then done but i can say that i notice babies and pregnant women more then ever. I notice people with the loving families that i want and i notice that people all seem to go on with their lives. I put my life on hold now that i had the MC and the D and C but i have learned that is not the answer. My answer is simple... Just find a contructive place to put your energy rather then placing it on getting pregnant. When my husband and i first started trying.. that was all i concentrated on. After a while my husband and i agreed to put it on hold for a while and concentrate on the making love part of our relationship... once i put my constructive energy into my husband and i...I became pregnant. Unfortunately, i MC 3 wks ago and now were are back to square one. My friends dont realize how hard it is for me and they take there pregnancies for granted... I cant say to them enough how easy it is to loose a baby at the snap of a finger. I am so sorry for your loss and i wish you nothing but the best. Please feel free to contact me at [email protected]

 

D - March 30

Jenna- I am so sorry for your loss! I have only had one miscarriage, so I understand allitle bit how you feel. I was due august 24th and I have three firends who are now pregnant! One is due July 24th, one august 4th and the other august 20th! I think I am doing well and then every time I see one of them my emotions crash and burn. All at the same time I feel jealousy, sadness, anger, and emptiness! It is so hard but I couldn't be happier for them! I try to convince myself that once I am pregnant again these feelings will go away but, there is no gaurentee of another pregnancy! Please try to hang in there...I know it is so much easier said then done! Have you considered or tried IVF? Again I am so sorry for your loss and I am so sorry I don't have the best advice and words of comfort for you! Good luck!

 

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