Before We Knew You We Loved You

5 Replies
margie - June 30

i miscarried february of 2007. i can say that the emotional pain i felt was up there with the worst experiences of my life, including losing my parents even, i was really devestated by it. i was blessed to become pregnant during the second cycle after it happened. i found found out i was pregnant in april. i have a beautiful 6 and half month old daughter now. i will say that i still get sad about the miscarriage even still sometimes. i have poem that i wrote called "Before We Knew You We Loved You". I wrote it right after my loss and i named my daughter Anjelica and we call her Angel...i almost lost her in the first trimester due to a bad subchorionic hematoma, and prayer and faith got us through...i really honestly feel like she has angels that watch out over her which is why I named her that. Here is the poem, the format might be a little wierd on here, but hopefully you can relate and it might bring some peace to those of you experiencing a current loss: Before we knew you we loved you. We wanted you in our life so bad. I hope that up in heaven you can see that you have a loving mom and dad. We'll always have a special place for you Our first baby we never got to hold Your life was more precious to us than any amount of gold Forever we will keep you in memory, Forever we'll remember you with love Our next baby will be so lucky to have a little angel watching out for them from above.

 

HeavenisMine - July 1

Wow margie, that's so tear jerking, you miscarried a month after me, and got pregnant a month after me. Seems our stories are just a month apart. I am glad we both have our lovely children now (and one more on the way we just heard the heartbeat last monday!) A friend told me after I lost ours (she lost I think four babies, two still borns, two miscarriage, she has six living children though!) she said that our lost little ones are all playing together in heaven (and whether or not you believe in it, it's a lovely thought). Each angel that goes there is just another playmate for the others. It is eternal bliss. Hard to think of when you're going through it though. Thanks for sharing this even a little over a year later. We always say our baby sacrificed himself for Phoenix, because the world would not be the same without her. I imagine it goes the same way with your little girl as well.

 

margie - July 1

That is beautiful to think of it that way, that our babies sacrificed themselves for our living ones. I have this really very strong believe that Anjelica is here on this earth for a really important reason, I felt that way everytime I would pray for her when I was pregnant...even when the doctor at the hospital told me that it was not a viable pregnancy, I felt this calm and peace and overwhelming faith. i can tell you that i NEVER felt that with my first pregnancy, I was a wreck, i just somehow knew and felt from the beginning something was wrong...and everyone thought i was just being a crazy first time mom but unfortunately in this case, my instincts are rediculously keen usually. That must be so hard for your friend to have lost that many, but she has a lovely way of thinking of it. I don't know if you remember me sharing this with you, but before I realized that I was miscarrying for certain, I had a dream around the same time that I believe the baby's heart had stopped and my mother and grandfather who are both pa__sed on were in my dream and they were holding a little swaddled baby in their arms and smiling, I believe that baby did go up to heaven and my mom was the best mom ever, maybe she is an angel that helps care for little babies in heaven now because she loves children so much--she had 7 of us! anyways, i love that thought. that dream was one of the most vivid dreams i have ever had and when i found out that the baby had stopped living it made so much sense to me why i had it and i am grateful for being able to have that peaceful image. I am so happy for your pregnancy! I can't wait to be pregnant again!!! I look out for you on the forums all the time to see how things are going. I will continue to pray for your new little blessing and think of you and your family often. How far along are you now?

 

HeavenisMine - July 2

Hey again! Your mother is a strong woman to have had seven children! that is amazing. I wish I could say I was that strong, and as much as I love children I am not sure I could do that. You know my prayers were with you. My fiance asked that night when you had gone into the hospital with the bleeding what I was doing. I told him about your situation and how we should keep faith for you. Much like yourself, I had peace about my pregnancy too, unlike with the previous one. I was also a wreck. Unfortunately my dreams were not that beautiful and peaceful. I kept having dreams about holding dead embryos and trying to find place to bury them. It was awful! I always felt an uneasiness about that pregnancy. I am so happy yours ended peacefully. We must be alike in that, having strong intuition. I had dreams of holding a baby girl before I even knew I was pregnant with Phoenix. And yes our babies are here for a reason! My little girl never ceases to amaze me. As I type this, she is just laying next to me babbling on in her secret language. I am thirteen weeks and one day now! I am trying to feel those flutters, but not much so far. I always heard with following pregnancies you can feel it earlier. I am showing a lot earlier and I can actually feel the pregnancy now! (Last time I didn't really start feeling it until seventeen weeks.) I am still sick though :( But I think that is just my UTI medicine. Being pregnant again is pretty neat, just knowing I get to give Phoenix a sibling. Having children is wonderful, all the pain and what not is worth it, because losing a baby is just that much harder. So really I can't complain about the symptoms. The end result is too exciting to think about. If you fall pregnant again you'll have to report it ASAP. I'm serious.

 

ShanaT - July 2

Thanks for sharing your story MARGIE... it seems similar to mine in general terms. My DH and I lost our first pregnancy also back in Jan 08. I was 13 weeks along. It was our first child.... the first mix of my husband and I and we were ABSOLUTELY thrilled. But so naive too. We lost our precious child and it was also one of the worst pains in my life.... along with losing my birth mother a year ago. I don't know how I made it thru either of those pains really. But just like you.....my DH and I were blessed with a second pregnancy after just 1 af cycle. I am now pregnant with our little girl and I'm 16 weeks! I can't even believe it sometimes ya know.... but I am thrilled to have the happy ending (almost) that so many of us are praying for. I pray that our stories give hope to the other ladies experiencing a loss or ttc after a loss. Things do look up again. And you're SO right.... how absolutely lucky for our next babies to have this angel baby looking after them! I truly believe they will be more blessed with knowing they have a sibling looking over them! Their souls were created so close to each other how could they not have a bond even now??? I also believe that our first baby pa__sed on so that our second baby could have a chance at life.... if we would have had the first baby then we wouldn't know this lil girl I'm carrying now. Not that one child is better than the other, but I feel I've gotten to know two babies.... both of my children..... when maybe it would have only been one. Anyway.... best wishes to you and your family.... and hug Angel for me! I bet she's simply perfect! I cannot wait to be able to hug my lil girl.....

 

margie - July 8

HeavenisMine-girl, you KNOW i'll be letting you know ASAP! I am so happy to hear that you are doing well this time around even through the sickness, I was lucky and didn't get too sick but I did have nausea from the progesterone I had to take the second time around. ShanaT- congratulations! I am so happy to hear that you are 16 weeks, isn't it a blessing how much you cherish pregnancy after having a loss? I pray that our stories will give hope to others trying to conceive again after a m/c...I know how difficult it was for me seeing women pregnant and with babies, it hurt me so bad...what made me feel differently about it was when I got pregnant again and realized that many of them have likely gone through at least one m/c as it is so common, or maybe through many treatments for infertility, or even stillbirth or loss of a child after they are born. It is amazing when you start to really talk to women about your experience how many of them have gone through it. Good luck ladies with your pregnancies!

 

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