Counselling Or No Counselling

20 Replies
Sue - December 12

Hello, I am just wondering if anyone who has experienced a loss has been to see a counsellor and if you have did it help? We lost a baby in June after ttc for 15 months. It was very hard on both of us and our relationship was rather tense for a little while. My DH is really pushing me to see someone but I think it is natural to still get teary every now and then when I think about it. Yesterday was hard because I had my 1st appointment with the ob/gyn as we need to start on Clomid but as I was sitting outside his office waiting for him a couple walked past me carrying a new born baby they were taking home. They looked so happy. Our baby would have been due next week. It is just so hard, I don't know what to do.

 

Abby - December 12

Sue, I had a m/c in July and have started seeing a therapist. I have been amazed at how helpful it has been. It can be draining at times to talk about all of the feelings a__sociated with the loss, but also a release. Sometimes I feel bad talking to friends or family about it, because they don't really understand or may feel that I should be "over it" by now. It just feels nice to have an unbiased, open person who can listen and give feedback. I hope this helps.

 

BernieB - December 12

Dear Sue, I had a m/c in September. I was not teary until about six weeks after the m/c, as I was pretty much in total shock for the first month. When it hit me, I just wanted to stay at home and ignore the world. I would pretend I was completely fine, but I'd break down at home alone and cry. My DH and I talked a lot about what to do (whether to TTC again naturally) In the end, we decided to move on and TTC again straight away without drugs. Seeing other pregnant women has been the hardest part BUT I keep thinking: "I don't want THEIR baby...I want DH and my baby - which can only be made by us!". DH and I have sat down and talked about this and we found little things help. We recently bought a teddy bear which we keep in our bedroom - it is our first bear for the baby which will be born some day. We just know it will happen, even if it takes another two years (we have been trying for two years already). After the m/c family and friends treated me like I had an illness and could not cope talking about it. That is when I found this board and have found that discussing what you have gone through is a way of counselling yourself. If you go to a counsellor, I suggest you make certain you feel 100% comfortable with that person. I have been to counselling in the past (not for the m/c) and I found I had to go to a few different people until I found someone who was on the same way length. Your due date will be one of the hardest things you will have to go through - I have learnt this through another m/c when I was much younger. The way I coped was to imagine my child in heaven - growing up with God and I will meet he/she again one day. If you are not religious, maybe just think about the fact that a m/c can be due to a problem and that hoepfully nature will create a pregnancy for you is going to be a much healthier one next time. I hope I can be here for you if you need to talk again. Another thing that has helped me is that I am very happy in my relationship with DH and I think it needs to be strong to get through times like these.

 

K - December 13

Sue, I think its totally normal to be teary and sad every now and then. I would hope (having lost our daughter at 28 wks in November) that within 6 mths it will/would have got easier. The truth is only you know how much or how little you need to grieve. I know, for example that the level of grief I am experiencing now is not sustainable for me for a long period of time and if it continues in this way for another couple of months I will go for some counselling. Only you know how much or how little you need to grieve and when. People I know who have lost babies have told me that you never stop grieving, you just learn to live with it and every so often its natural to catch yourself in a moment. However, your dh loves you and if he thinks your not coping, maybe you should trust him and consider the counselling. Maybe he wants to go for himself and doesn't know how to express that to you?!! Just a thought. Ultimately its up to you and you must do whatever it takes to get you through the day. I wish you well and good luck with the ttc. x

 

Sue - December 14

Thankyou everyone for your kind words. I think I will wait till next week when I get the results from some tests the gyno has done. If it is good news I should be ok, at least it will give me something positive to work on rather than thinking about the past all the time. If the news is not so good I think I will go and see someone. I wish you all the best of luck for the future.

 

Tara - December 15

Hi Sue, I lost my baby daughter on Nov.26 2005 and also had a miscarriage in June 2005. I have been seeing a grief counsellor and it really has been helping me. My grief counsellor was with me during labor with my daughter and also came in right after the baby had pa__sed during delivery and helped me with footprints and dressing and took pictures of our daughter. She is wonderful because she was with me when our little girl pa__sed. She has really helped me understand my husband as well and his grieving which is really different from my own. I really wished I would have had her after my miscarriage. I also talked to a pastor and having faith has helped me believe that my daughter is in a wonderful place and I should not worry about her and Someday my family will be together again. I know its so difficult, but having someone like a grief counsellor to talk to really helps and they tell you you need to get it all out ,mine told me to throw old dishes outside when Im angry, or punch pillows, cry when I want to and she also explained how to handle rude comments. Theres actually a process you go through when your grieving. Your next pregnancy will be hard because your going to be worried and thats very normal. my husband and I joined a support group for parents that have lost babies and sometimes its nice to talk to others that have gone through the same thing as you and how they dealt with it . I personally would recommend seeing a counsellor that is familar grief and loss of a baby, its really helping my husband, myself, my mom and sister in law, we are all seeing a grief cousellor because the loss of our daughter has affected all of us. Also with the support group we have a candle ceramony every year at Christmas to remeber our sweet little ones.

 

Sue - December 15

Tara, I can't even begin to understand how you are coping. I am so very sorry for your losses but I am very glad you have a support network around you. I can't wait for this year to be over, I have even written in my diary for the 1st of Jan NEW YEAR, NEW LUCK!!!!!!! I am sure things will change for the better next year.

 

Mindy - December 15

My husband is also pushing me to see someone. I had a miscarriage at close to 12 wks due to a hematoma that detached the baby's placenta. I saw the baby five times on ultrasound with a strong heartbeat and measuring a few day ahead. That baby was doing so good even with the worst hematoma bleeds that I had. I have to take a few breaths before I go in to church and see all my friends pregnant or with their newborns. Yesterday, I got in to an augument with my husband over my constant chewing ice. I have anemia from the miscarriage and my doctor told me until my hemaglobin goes up the ice craving should go away. I brought up the miscarriage during the augument. I wish I hadn't because I want my husband to think I'm fine and over it but secretly I keep my baby's ultrasound pictures under my pillow at night and cry. He really thinks I should be over this. How can I get over this. My husband does not want anymore children (we have three) and it is hard for me to accept but I won't tell him that. I keep telling myself that I have three children and that I am very selfish to want more. He wants us to go to counseling together and I told him it is my battle to fight and if I'm going to counseling it will just be me. I feel like I can't have him there. I'm the one that has to accept these things. It does make me so mad at him that he does not grieve for this baby. It is like that baby didn't even exist. He moved on and does not give it another thought and me on the other hand thinks about my baby every day and am trying my best to cope. I just wish this never happen to me.

 

Sue - December 16

Hi Mindy, I am very sorry for your loss. We were 13 weeks when we mc'd, we didn't even have a chance to have an u/s but I think it may have been a little easier that way because we didn't end up attatched in that way. I don't think that came out right, we loved our baby more than words can express but hopefully you know what I mean. My husband has been acting somewhat the same as yours. The sadness and grief doesn't seem to show on him as much as it does on me. We have been having problems getting pregnant (the problem is with my body) and have just started seeing a specialist which is really scarry because my husband is very firm in his belief's that if it doesn't happen relatively natural then it wasn't meant to be. I want a baby so bad I would give my right arm if it would help. I am with you on the counselling thing though, I really wouldn't want my husband with me, I know we should have the type of relationship where we can tell each other anything but we deal with grief so differently. I really hope we get the chance to have children, my DH grew up in a very loveless home so he deserves to share the love he so often shows me with someone else and be loved in return. Everything just seems so hard right now. One thing that does help me is a rose that we planted after our loss in honour of our baby Tyler, I even wrote a letter to him and buried it under the bush. Sometimes DH catches me outside talking to it. Tyler would have been due to enter the world on boxing day and looking at our rose tonight, there are 15 new buds forming so it should be in full bloom for his due date. I take this as a sign that he is looking after us. I really hope you find someone or something to help you through this terrible time. Take care

 

Tara - December 16

Sue and Mindy, My husband and I have had problems also because grieving differently. My husband sounds very much like yours. My grief cousellor has really helped me understand him other wise I thought he was just a cold jerk.I realized that he really loves me and sometimes men keep thier grief inside. Mindy, my husband also didnt want to try again. We have two beautiful healthy children and both times I lost my babies thier was also a risk to my life. It think he was scared of being a single dad or me becoming mentally ill from all the stress. After a lot of talking we are going to try again in September, we need a few months to heal and work on our relationship. Your not selfish for wanting another baby, you sound very much like me and just love being a mommy and have a huge heart for more babies. I have had people try to tell me that I should just be happy with two and believe me I am, but my heart has lots of room for more children. Sue, My first baby was due December 8, and that was a hard day because I couldent just remeber the baby because I was making funeral arrangements for our baby girl that pa__sed. That is such a wonderful idea to plant roses in memory of your baby. Praying we all have healthy future babies!

 

Sue - December 19

Hello everyone. I hope your all doing well. I had a hard day today. I went in for my blood test but they are experiencing delays in processing the results and due to christmas holidays I may not be able to see the gyno before my next af so if I need to go on clomid I guess I will need to wait another month. I think my DH's family must have a radar out to pick up when I am having a tough time. My mother in law rang this afternoon to find out what we were doing for christmas, I told her we don't want to be around anyone especially their family as there will be 9 pregnant women or newborn babies there and it will be too hard. She didn't seem to understand and now thinks we are being selfish. I then had a phone call from my sister in law who lives 11 hours away, as she is coming down for christmas she just thought she would bring all her nursery furniture down with her. (we did tell her we wanted it but that was when we were pregnant). Is it ever going to get any easier? What happens if we don't get pregnant again, how am I going to handle things like this? And if anyone tells me to stop thinking about it and it will happen one more time I am going to scream! The c___ppy thing is everyone that says that has never had any fertility porblems or losses. It is bugging the c___p out of me.Sorry about my mood today, but I feel better now that I have let that out. Tara, I know my DH was worried about my health both physical and mental during our loss, maybe you DH is just not sure how to show you just how worried he is.I hope you all have a wonderful and safe christmas.

 

Mindy - December 26

Sue, Just wanted to let you know that I'm praying for you. I hope you are feeling better.

 

Sue - December 27

Thank you Mindy. I think I might go and talk to someone. My test results came back and they were not good. There is nothing they can do to help us, not even Clomid like 1st thought. I hope you are doing well.

 

Mindy - December 27

Oh Sue, I'm so sorry to hear that. Have you gone for different opinions? There is so much out there that they can do now a days. I will keep you on my prayer list, just try to stay positive. Praying always helps me when I'm down. Sundays are the days I really get down because I go to church and see all my friends pregnant or with their newborns. I come home and have a good cry. The Sunday before Christmas I was so depressed and in a bad mood and it went right into Monday. I got down on my knees and really prayed to God and it helped me so much to get out of the mood I was in, I felt so much better. I am going to get some counseling at the christian counseling center. I just have to accept that my husband does not want any more children. I also have a fibroid in the wall of my uterus that needs to come out before I get pregnant again. My doctor seemed to think it had no part in the miscarriage but said it can cause some problems in a future pregnancy in the second trimester if it gets too big. I just don't know if I really have the time to go through the surgery (the surgery is not necessary if I don't want to get pregnant) and recovery when I know I need to work to help pay bills. It is something I need to talk to my husband about but I can't get the courage to talk to him about it. This miscarriage has left me feeling very embara__sed and guilty with myself. I never though it would happen to me. I hope you can get some other opinions and I'll be on here if you ever want to talk. Try praying when you get down because it really does help. God Bless!! Oh and one more thing I did name my baby (Judah), I thought I would share that with you.

 

Sue - December 29

Hello Mindy. I don't know how to express my thanks to you for helping me so much over the last few weeks. I am very sorry to hear about your fibroid. Have you made any decisions about what your next move will be? I hope naming your baby has helped you. We had already decided on the name Tyler for our baby, even before we fell pregnant. I think that has helped us, to have a name to call him when we talk to each other about him rather than calling him 'the baby'. I am floating a bit at the moment. I got af today so will need another blood test on the 22nd but I won't get the results for approx 2 weeks after that because the gyno will be on holidays and unfortunatly he is the only one I can see. (little town, not many dr's) I have faith in him even though the news he gave me was bad, I am hoping in the back of my mind he may decide to give me the Clomid if we aren't pregnant again in a few more months. He is a good Dr and I am comfortable with him, he even delivered me when I was born and he has saved my mum's life a few times now. My dh's nan visited this afternoon & she almost fell off her chair when we told her the news. Apparently my mil visited everyone at xmas telling them we are starting treatment and the dr can't see any reason why we won't be pregnant within a couple of months! I guess she is finding it hard to accept. It would help if she would acknowledge the problem rather than pretending everything is ok, I am sick of being made to feel quilty for not being excited over my sil's pregnancy. She is due in 2 weeks. I am happy for her but I can't feel how I did before. I am sure they will realize that one day. Thinking of you,

 

Mindy - January 3

Sue- Your family or sister-in-law will not relize how hard it is until they go through something like a miscarriage. I'm having issues dealing with a lady that I do babysitting for. She just told me that she is 12 wks pregnant about 4 wks ago and she is the only one of the parents I work for that gave me trouble and no understanding about taking my leave from work so I could go on bedrest the last two weeks of my pregnancy. I work for a company that pays me to work in my home watching children. She still has to pay even if she is not using back-up care. Well she was home from work for that month because she is a teacher but still bringing her little boy to me 4 days a week. She made a fuss about how much money she is paying to the company (even though she had back-up care)and me going on bedrest knowing I was having alot of trouble with the pregnancy because of the hematoma. I don't understand these people who don't want to spend time with their kids when they are off from work. Anyway, I'm having a a hard time being happy for her pregnancy. I'll watch her little boy up until the next one comes along and then I'm going to tell her I'm done. I did call today for the counseling and I'm waiting for them to call me back. I'm so confused and scared with all that has happen to me, that I'm not 100% sure that I want to be pregnant again. I would have to get the fibroid out if I do and I'm going to be 36 next month. I also feel very selfish to even want one more because my husband and I already have 3 children (5, 8, and 9 years old). My husband really does not want any more. That makes me so sad. Well, thanks for listening. God Bless!

 

Sue - January 5

Hi Mindy, I'm sorry you have been having such a hard time. It's just not fair. You must be a stronger women than me, I work in retail & I have been finding it hard being around babies in the shop, especially newborns now that I have pa__sed my due date. There is no way I could be around them all day. It is a real worry because my mind is no longer on my job and I think I made a BIG blunder yesterday, I won't know the extent of it for a few weeks yet but I can tell you I am not looking forward to it! I am feeling positive this month. My dh came up with a great idea tonight so we are going to go away for a weekend and spend the night in a glitzy hotel, something we have never done as we have always been watching our money. I am rather excited, now the trick is to find a weekend we both have off work! My sil's baby is due next week, she has been pretty good, she also suffered a mc a year ago but she managed to fall pregnant again straight away. We were a bit worried about her on new years day though, we had some terrible bush fires in our area and her farm was in it's path. She was very lucky the wind changed direction when it did, it was very close.This month I am really going to concentrate on drinking more water, less caffeine and we will use pre-seed as well so hopefully between them something should work. I am not sure if you are into astrology & clairvoyants, I kind of am, my mum used to go to them all the time when I was a kid, anyway, mum's stars for the new year have said she will become a grandmother! I know it is silly to get excited about that and I am one of 4 kids but I am the only one ttc so fingers crossed. I am sorry but I have just noticed my post's seem to have changed from trying to get through a loss to now ttc, I guess knowing we had trouble conceiving the 1st time and now that we are having trouble again just seems to have me reliving our loss over and over again. I don't want to seem insensitive to your feelings, but talking to you has helped me so much. Have you heard any more about your conselling? I sure hope we both find peace soon, we deserve it. Look after yourself.

 

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