Did You Tell Others Besides Sig Other That You Miscarried

9 Replies
sueum97 - February 2

I really wish I could be happy with all the people who are pregnant. After 2 miscarriages in a row - I do not feel like being around our friends tonight who had a baby in Nov or the friends on Sun who are having a baby in May. I began bleeding on Jan 16 - and felt like I was going to miscarry like I just had on Oct 31. We met up with friends on Jan 20 - just 4 days after I began bleeding and they announced they too were expecting - in August. I just can't handle it. And my sister who had 2 kids and my sister in law who had 3 kids - i swear the told everyone the minute they found out they were pregnant and had no problems. We waited - thank goodness - to tell people - we lost our first at 6 weeks and our second at 8 (on my birthday). I am extremely jelous of all these people who just decide they want a baby and then have it no problems. I want to be happy for all of them but it's so hard - I am angry and very sad at the same time. Also - how many of you shared your miscarriages with other people other than your significant other? Other than my husband I have not told anyone - not even my mom or sisters just because I don't feel like getting the sad eyes and the I feel sorry for you look...

 

ahay - February 2

Oh I totally know how you feel. My best friend and I both found out we were prego on the same day. I lost my baby 2 weeks after. The thing that tears me apart about it is that she doesnt even want a baby, SHe is so mad that she is prego in the first place and it KILLS ME. I feel that I cant even talk to her..

 

sharerc - February 2

We didn't wait to tell everyone we were pregnant. And although I miscarried, I am still happy that I told everyone. I'd rather then know why I'm upset or grumpy and have a little sympathy. I don't just want them to think I'm being b___hy or down for no reason. The only person I wish I would have waited to tell is my 3 year old daughter. It was hard telling her she wouldn't be a big sister for awhile longer. :(

 

Cerulean - February 2

We told everyone we knew about the pregnancy and I wish I hadn't. I was pregnant for a total of 2 weeks after we told people. The worst part was the things that people would say thinking that they were being helpful. Like "Everything happens for a reason" That did NOT make me feel better at all. Then after it all finally died down, I was talking to my cousin (who I hadn't spoken to in years) and she said "Congratulations on the pregnancy" I guess the news hadn't gotten around yet and she felt horrible and I felt awkward. Anyway, I really think that when/if I get pregnant again I will wait until I'm atleast 12 weeks.

 

sueum97 - February 6

yeah that's what i'm thinking - at least 12 weeks before i tell anyone other than my husband. if anyone has a problem with us waiting so long - i will tell them - well - we wanted to wait because we had at least 2 miscarriages in the past. that will shut them up fast.

 

Diann - February 6

w/ my very first m/c a close relative was pg at the same time and due around the same time, I hated her with a pa__sion could not stand to be around her. my skin crawled everytime i was. it took me 3 months after the baby was born to be able to be around her. i'm currently 30wks along and only recently told the inlaws about the baby i lost in may just before their visit in the summer. at the time two of my sil's were both expecting in aug and oct. i had no desire to share my lose with them until i knew i could deal with it myself. infact the inlaws weren't told about this current pg until i was 20 wks. we felt it best and this way the sil's would have their moment to shine with their new babies. go with your heart and do what is best for you. you dh should understand your need for space from these people, who normally mean a lot to you but you need time to heal first. take care!

 

Pam1 - February 6

I experienced a miscarriage in October when I was 8 weeks. I told a couple of friends. I am pregnant again- only 5 weeks 5 days. I, unfortunately, think that this one will end in a loss as well. I experienced bleeding about 2 weeks ago for about a week. I went for an u/s today. the yolk sac wasn't there yet. Two of my friends know about this pregnancy. I just feel like I need people to talk to.

 

iemc19 - February 7

With my 1st m/c I didn't have much choice in telling anyone - it was Christmas morning and I woke up spotting and had a houseful of people arriving...No-one wanted me to come in - I was told to just rest...My dh decided my parents and his mother needed to know why we were so upset and trying to keep a good face for our other children and why I was trying not to do much....I felt bad - that I had ruined everyone's Christmas but I think they would have felt worse if they had found out afterwards....Our 2nd m/c was in April of last year...we had just told our children the night before - we were a day or two short of 12 weeks and thought it was safe to tell them....Our eldest (almost 11 at the time) we had to explain what had happened and our 6 year old we semi bluffed /semi told - she now knows, our youngest was too young...Because of this and the fact that it was more severe a m/c we also told my parents - they had to mind the kids while we went to hospital - his mum also got told...My parents then told my sister and his mum told his brother - but 2 weeks later...They were very hurt that they hadn't been told at the time...I do recommend you tell your close family - they don't just look at you with sad eyes - its very hard to find the right words but they can at least appreciate why you are down sometimes and it does help to be able to talk about the children you lost...

 

sueum97 - February 7

Hi everyone - isn't everyone just amazed how so many lives have been touched by miscarriage? i think everyone thinks "when it's my time it won't happen to me". I know i did. And now after 2 miscarriages in 3 months (we only waited one month in between) i'm amazed at how much it can affect a person. I was sure after the first miscarriage that i wouldn't have another. And yet it b__ws my mind just how strong we all are. Think about - carrying on with work, families, friends - still having a deep sadness within but coping... i was out sick from work this monday due to nausea (a virus thing - definitely not a baby thing because we're are in another holding pattern for my next regular cycle before even thinking of trying again) and one of my co-workers blurted out - oh nausea - u aren't pregnant are u? and i very quickly changed the subject as i barely know this woman and she later instant messaged me - "sorry i asked if u were pregnant - i don't even know if you and your husband want kids - it's just the mom in me that gets excited" (she has 3 kids - 1 was "an accident" - wish i could have a happy "accident") i could even respond to her - i just said no problem and left it at that. but that left me in an emotional wreck and i felt the tears coming on but had to suck them in and be strong - i mean i can't lose it at work and still function. later that day - i had to go to the obgyn and get blood drawn so they can check my hcg level. well of course at an obgyn - they are pregnant people everywhere and pictures of babies. i had to keep very focused to just go in and get done what needs to be done. As much as I want to share my pain with others besides my husband - I just feel if I do - right now at least - that I won't be able to function. If I have to tell my stories time and time again - I feel I'm reliving it. It's not that I'm opposed to crying - I've done my share - but I just don't feel comfortable "having it all out there". It's not that I'm ashamed or anything - it's that I guess keeping it to me and my husband allows me to keep myself centered and get on with everyday living rather than everything being focused on the loss. Like you said Diann, i need to do this in my own way right now. Right now - I am dealing with an OBGYN who doesn't seem very supportive - she is obviously more used to dealing with normal pregnancies. After 2 miscarriages in a row - I feel I might need to see a reproductive endocronologist. Has anyone worked with an EA before? I know that 50% of the time the results of their battery of tests are inconclusive but what if there is something that can be fixed? I'm 32 and was hoping to have our first child before I was 33 - well that doesn't look like it's going to happen now. I can help but thinking that right now as I pa__s up another potentially viable egg (we were told to wait yet again for another normal cycle to try again) - that I am giving up a future child that might want to be conceived NOW. It stinks - having to wait - and not know what you are waiting for. I could get a zillion tests done and nothing appear as wrong and have waited months to try to conceive and then they could just say - we have no clue - just try again! Pam - (and everyone here too!) I am sorry for your loss! Know that there are a lot of women going through the same thing as you and yes - it helps I think to especially talk to others that are going through the same thing as you. I don't know of any close friends/family members that experienced a miscarriage or who have really discussed it at length. Most people who have told me that they miscarried only told me after they had a viable pregnancy (were very far along)...

 

KitCat - February 8

sueum97.....I've been pg a total of 9 times and have a 7 y/o ds, so you can pretty much do the math. The first pregnancy we told everyone right away, and two weeks later we m/c'ed. We decided the next pregnancy we would wait. So at 12 weeks we told everyone and it worked out great and that one produced my son. The next two were very early m/c's, so we never even really got a chance to tell anyone. Then I had an ectopic pg. I didn't even know I was pg. When I went into the doc's office, they sent me straight to the ER to be admitted. Our son was at daycare and we called my parents and told them what had happened. They drove an hour one way to go get him, pack a bag for him and take him back home with them. I stayed in the hospital for 3 days and they were the only ones we told. I think my mom ended up telling my sisters and my aunt though. The next 3 pg's were all before 10 weeks and we never told anyone. The last one was at 14 weeks and we still didn't tell anyone because I was having problems right from the start with bleeding almost every day. From week 5 to week 10 I was on bedrest, which wasn't so bad. I could still get up a little and do a few things here and there. But at week 11 I was put on strict bedrest and was not to get up for anything at all except to go to the bathroom. That's when it hit us. How stupid could we be to not tell anyone? Dh did take some time off of work, but he surely couldn't take ALL that time off. So here I was, bleeding and stuck in bed with no help. I ended up having contractions and losing the baby at 14 weeks in my bed. I knew it would happen, yet I kept hanging on to a glimmer of hope that things would get better. My family knew about the last m/c after the fact and needless to say they weren't too happy with me. We never told ds about any of the pregnancies because we know he would be way too excited and would tell everyone. Dh also didn't want his family to know about any of them. He's not close with any of them and his mom isn't very sensitive when choosing her words. We both agreed that if I do get pg again, we are going to tell people right away. We will hold off a little while to tell ds, but most of our family will be told. It's too difficult with them not knowing. The feelings of jealousy, anger and sadness you are having will decrease, but it will take some time. I still am sad when I think of the last one we lost. I had alot of u/s's and saw the heartbeat many times and was told that the chances of losing the baby were decreasing and things were looking good. I became so mad. Mad at my doctor, mad at myself and mad at God. I couldn't understand how He could take away something so precious and wanted from two people that have so much love to give. I know in my heart that nothing we did was the cause of the m/c and that God had bigger plans for all of our angel babies. It is His way of letting us know there was something very wrong with the baby and it most likely would not have lived if I had went full term. Perhaps you should talk to your Mom or your sisters, or even just one of them. Or, all of them together. You may find it helps you to talk about it and maybe even have a little cry with them. Then they will understand more how you are feeling and just what you are going through ttc. There will always be pregnant women around you, but you don't always know what they have gone through to get that way. Just as you have not told anyone of your pregnancies, they may have not done so either. Who knows, they may be able to offer you some suggestions or refer you to one of their doctors for help. And I'm sure if they are pg, they would be happy to lend and ear to you if you just need someone to talk to. I know this is a long post, but I had alot to say, LOL. Good luck to you. :) KitCat

 

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