Does It Get Better

7 Replies
dusti - March 1

My husband and I decided to start trying to get pregnant for the first time last year. My last week of birth control was August 1, 2005. On October 1, 2005, we found out we were 4.5 weeks pregnant. Everything had went perfect throughout the whole pregnancy-morning (really all day) sickness, normal previous ultrasound and normal heart beats (150 beats at 18 weeks). On January 27, 2006, my husband and I went for our 21 week ultrasound. We were so excited because we were suppose to find out what the baby was but instead I heard the worst news of my life-the doctor could not find a heart beat. I went home to back a bag because I had to go to the hospital so the doctor could enduce me. I had my beautiful son, Malachi, the next evening. We had a graveside service on February 1. The whole time sitting there I thought this is not how it is suppose to happen-22 years old and sitting there staring at my son's casket. My husband and I went back to work after taking off for two weeks. During the week, we do "ok" but the weekends are sooooooo bad. The only thing that has gotten us though this is the faith that we will see him in heaven and we will be able to hold onto him for eternity there. When we go to the store and I see a newborn, I just can't stop staring at it. The parents probably think I am nuts (anymore I feel that way). I think the worst thing is the unknown. We go to the doctor on Monday to get the genetic testing back on Malachi. I am so nervous to hear what they find-if anything. I feel completely empty and "purposeless" (for lack of a better word). I have a job that I love and that helps but I guess I just feel that my life has no meaning. I also kinda feel like less of a woman b/c I couldn't do what other women do every singe day. I would try again ASAP (about 95% of the time) but my husband is terrified to try again. He is worried that this will happen again. Every ounce within me believes that God will not give me more than I can bear, but does it get better? How do I make my life have meaning again? If anyone has anything to say or has had a similar situation, pleeeeease help. Thanks, Dusti

 

JuJu - March 1

Dusti; you and your husband have had to deal with a terrible terrible situation that most people couldn't even imagine. I don't know how many posts you have read on these forums, but I have come across multiple women who have suffered a late-term miscarriage like you; and I am sure that they would be a huge support to you. I myself had a first-trimester miscarriage in January, and I can only imagine the utter devastation at losing a baby further along. Give yourself time; it hasn't been long since your loss. Did the doctors find any reason for your son's death? Statistically, it is highly, highly unlikely that you would ever suffer this situation again. So I understand why you, and your DH especially find the idea of having another baby so difficult to think about. But in time, perhaps your DH will find some peace with what happened. You are in my thoughts - I know of at least one person on this forum who has been through a similar situation - I will let her know you're here. Her name is Jo (LittleAngel). XX

 

BeJo - March 2

hi dusti, what a great faith u have.. I think it's still normal in these days that u feel down coz u're still grieving.. and it takes time to heal but it will get better soon moreover with the faith u have. it really is a hard time for us since this is our first child and we've been expecting it for long.... my friend told me that since God knows all, he'll never test us coz tests are for those who don't know. He knows us, our strengths and weaknesses, so, like u said, He won't give more than we can bear. He gives us an opportunity to apply all his lessons and proof our faith.. which I think u have use very wisely... we only have to wait and see for the rainbow to come.. I haven't seen mine..yet.. hope can see it soon so I know what all these are for.. what is it that He wants with me... I hope ur relationship with DH will always be OK coz it's a very difficult time for u n him. we quarreled a lot after our loss, we had more fights in the first 3 weeks after the loss than in our 2.5 years of marriage.Stick together, share ur feelings and support each other, it's the only best solution. I used to be a kindergarten teacher myself, when i went back to the school for a visit after my loss, I looked at the children very differently.. they became more meaningful to me, like a treasure.. and they helped my healing process.. perhaps it's still hard now.. but u'll find ur own ways. anyway... it still hurt me now to see pregnant women.. but not the babies.. :) too cute and innocent, perhaps? cherish the memory of Malachi.. remember always that our sons wanted us to be happy.. GBU

 

littleangel - March 3

hi Dusti first of all sorry to hear about your loss it is very hard i know and what a beautiful name Malachi, the girls on these pages help me a lot and JuJu told me about you story, I can relate to what you have been through i was 22wks pregnant with my 1st baby and went for my scan & was told that my baby had died they could not find a heart beat, i screamed the hospital down & i was numb with pain as if i had been shot in the heart, then i was told i had to go in to labour,when my baby was born on the 11 jan 06 it was only 3oz it had died at 17wks. they told me 1 week later that i had a little girl and we called her Kayleigh-Anne, we had her funeral on the 26th jan which was really peacefull. i have to wait now till 15th may to find out why she died and if i am ok to carry again cos of all the test they did on her and me.then a month later my brothers girlfriend whos 42 yrs old and she was pregnant but she has the test done for downs and it come back that she had to lose hers too, she was 17wks and had to delivery the baby.she had a girl too and called her Billie-jo. my family has had to cope with two losses this year. Every day i think of my baby girl and every time i see new borns on tv or in the street when i am out i get a lump in my throat and try not to let any one see me cry, its only when i at home i cry untill my eyes are red raw. we both went back to work about 2wks after our loss and it was the best thing i did as they all understood what had happened and was great. they all made me laugh again and that help me. i am trying to be posative at this moment and i had my first AF so i can ttc again , i am so ready to a mom and my partner too. i think its hard for men to let thier feelings out as they try to help us and be strong for us. i hope my stroy helps you and god bless you and your DH. also if you like to join us on the new page Help through m/c part two the girls will help you thourgh this sad time. take care baby dust and Hugs to you. x x :) jo

 

dusti - March 3

I really appreciate your help. It helps just to know that other people are there or have been there. At least, I know I am not completely nuts. --- My husband and I go on Monday to find out what happened to Malachi and for my checkup. They haven't did any tests on me but they did do genetic testing on him. In a way I want to hear that they found out the reason but another part of me wants to hear that it was unexplainable. I am sooooo nervous about Monday. I am taking off the whole day of work. --- I know what you mean about going back to work. I work with a really good group of people but some just don't know what to say so they say or do the wrong thing. One woman's daughter had a baby the second day I went back to work. The woman doesn't mean harm but she keeps showing me picturesof the baby. The other day (actually yesterday) I didn't even make it home before I broke down. I barely got to my car. I feel as though I have to force myself not to be upset around other people (except my husband). Then I go home and break down.---- Malachi weighed 10.7 ounces and was 7 inches long. He looked just like my husband except for his lips (they were like mine-proud Mom note there). --- I have never heard that about God's tests but it makes sense. I think that my husband and I have both grew closer to God through all of this. I also think that God was preparing this for us. My husband preached a sermon five days before this happened that if we know God that we never say goodbye just see you in a little bit. I have never believed that stronger than I do now. I think that is what keeps me going every day. ---Thanks for the encouragement, it really helps to know that others understand where I am coming from.----I am new at this and some of the terms I haven't got yet (DH-something to do with my husband?, AF???, TTC???). Thank you again for your help. You all are in my thoughts and prayers--Dusti:)

 

Gem - March 4

I am really sorry to hear about your son. My thoughts are with you.

 

JuJu - March 5

Dusti; just wanted to check in and see how you're doing today?Will try and cover off for you the acronyms that I know; "af" = period; "o" = ovulation; cm = cervical muccus; "ewcm" = egg-white cervical mucus; "cp" = cervical position; "ttc" = trying to conceive; "b-ding" = bedding/have s_x; "DH" = dear husband; "DP" = dear partner; "DD" = dear daughter; "DS" = dear son; "BF" = best friend.....and that's all I can think of at the moment!

 

dusti - March 6

We just got back from the doctor. He said that they did testing on Malachi but the "cell culture was unsuccessful". He said that they couldn't get it to grow. So much was going through my head I didn't think to ask what that meant. He said that they don't know why this happened. He said that there didn't appear to be anything wrong with me. I have looked and looked on the internet to find something about cell culture and how they could be unsuccessful but I can't find anything. I was hoping to have some type of reasoning today so I could cross out genetic problems. But that didn't happen. If anyone knows any good websites that might have something about the cell culture please let me know. Thanks for "language guide", I don't feel as lost now. Thanks for listening----Dusti

 

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