Double Whammy Of TTC Infertility And Pregnancy Loss

221 Replies
jessieb - February 14

hi y'all. i see some familiar names around these parts and i might be familiar to some of you. i spent a lot of time on this board last year after my second miscarriage. i had t_tled it 'miscarriage:past, present and please not in my future' i just wanted to stop by and catch up with some ladies and perhaps feel some hope for the future. we are in our 10th month of TTC since my D&C last year. i am hopeless about becoming pregnant again. if that ever happens again, then i am going to be scared to death to lose it again..... i got pregnant for the first time in march 2005, we weren't trying it was an accident. the second time, march 2006, i got pregnant was the first month of TTC. it happened so quick for me twice before and now i am staring down a year of TTC. i need inspiration ladies... we have just moved, i do not have a doctor yet. anyone been here (infertility and preg loss) and gotten out of it? has anyone lost all hope, only to find one day it all worked out? i have been waiting for two years to become a mother, i can't take any more of this, infertility or preg. loss <sigh>

 

chandellina - February 15

hi jessie, now nice to hear from you! did you move to marfa? how is that going? well i am right there with you girl. you may recall our histories are quite similar. two easy pregnancies followed by miscarriages and now 10 months of ttc. actually this is my 11th month - ugh!!! i just o'd a couple of days ago but yeah - it's at that point where you just think it's never going to happen. i have been seeing a fertility specialist since September. I tried clomid for 3 months, worked perfectly the first two months, lots of follicles, though still no pregnancy. then i got a cyst in December so had to lay off. Now he's booking me in for injectable hormones and IUI next month, my ovulation date and dh's traveling schedule permitting. in the meantime i got a new FSH reading last week that showed it has gone from 8.6 in June to 10.4. not good. some clinics won't even do IVF if it's over 10. that is my next option if the IUI doesn't work. it's like - i don't even think about losing a pregnancy anymore - i just fricking want another go. i so hope that it will be you and me living up to your words - having lost all hope and then it works out. all the best and i'm glad you're back. xC.

 

KitCat - February 15

Hi jessie....I was on the thread you mentioned, along with a few other girls that I still chat with. The thread is called Wanting to try again part 9. Feel free to stop in and chat with us. Take care, KitCat xo

 

jessieb - February 15

hi chandellina and kit cat!!! yup, i am in marfa. i am honored you remembered. it is fantastic here. this little spot in the world is like no other, and i adore it. my husband and i are working on opening a laundromat!! there is not one in the town. we are waiting on bankers to call and accept our loan package or not. i am excited about it, i swear! but this baby thing, just keeps creeping back in my head and heart. chandellina, i am sorry for both of us but i am SO glad that someone else is in the same boat with me. is it misery loves company!? you are right, we are at the same point. two strikes and we can't get on base again! we are both re-living our own hell every month, but i am glad that someone is here in purgatory with me!! i am the same as you, i DESPERATELY want to be pregnant again. i was four days late in january and we both thought for sure i was prego. i was able to kinda operate on top of it in november and december. we were just so busy with the house, selling the house, and then moving. once january hit, and i don't have a job to go to. BOOM it all came back to me like a freight train. and that is when i realized how long it had been. i am stuck in this limbo of two miscarriages and ten months of unsuccessful TTC. chandellina, how are you doing with it all? i wonder if it helps that you are getting treated? do you feel like you are doing something, so it helps? or is it more frustrating to try so hard and still nothing? i have not pursued anything. since we just moved, i don't even have a doc yet. i think there is one OBGYN in a town25 miles away, alpine. i am due for an annual in march, so i will just see what happens after i meet the doc. does anything help you emotionally? nothing helps me.... i am just beyond console about it. i remember when i was seeing the therapist she told me that it is most likely that nothing will help. just having a baby will put and end to this trauma. it is true.... i don't want to hear 'it will happen someday" one more frickin time. did you get pregnant quickly the first two times? that is why this is incredibly difficult for us right now. we KNOW it can happen and has happened quicker than this. i am scared something is wrong. really wrong. why else would i not be getting pregnant? this is SO not how it is supposed to be. i am glad to 'see' you gals again. i tried to forget about it all. take my mind off it and maybe some pressure. but the situation itself puts so much pressure on itself. you know? how can it not.we both know it is month after month... you can't ignore that. i have started looking into adoption. we will go towards adoption rather than IVF. we don't have the money for either!! i am sure we will figure that one once we come to it. so here i am, one year ago, i was getting pregnant, two years ago i was getting pregnant. it is like groundhog year!!! thanks for the invite kitcat. chandellina are you on that thread too? i will have to do some background reading if it is into it's 9th part!! xoxoxo lots of love and hugs <3 jessie

 

Cabbie - February 15

jessieb, I just wanted to respond to your thoughts. I also encountered inferitlity and miscarriage only in the reverse order. When my husband and I started ttc in 1998, we found nothing happening. After a year, the dr decided that I did not ovulate so I was put on a round of clomid. We got dd #1 from this first round. She is now a healthy 7. When we decided to try for a second, he made us try for three months this time before prescribing clomid. It took six months (the max) on clomid that time to get dd #2. She is now a healthy 4. We then decided we were finished because the stress was just too much. It hurt too much to wait every month and then cry when I got my period. They told me I would never conceive without some form of help. In Aug of 04, we found ourselves pregnant yet again. Shocked to say the least. I thought well this is my "freebee" after all the crying and heartache before. I then miscarried at 6 weeks. I once again found myself pregnant in Oct. 04 and miscarried a few days later. Then in April 05. I found out I was pregnant yet again. I held my breath and finally I had made it to 10 weeks so I went in for my first drs appt. It was then I found I had a blighted ovum which resulted in a D and C. I was emotionally devasted and exhausted after everything I had been through. We decided to go back on birthcontrol as soon as my body regulated itself after the procedure. Well, the month I was to start back up birth control, I found I was again pregnant. Resigning myself to another miscarriage I began to grieve even before the miscarriage. I went in at six weeks and found a strong heart beat with a normal size embryo. I went in at 9 weeks and found a strong heartbeat and a bigger than average embryo. Again and again, each dr appt was good news, but I was still resigned to a miscarriage not letting anyone even talk about the pregnancy in front of me. Well, in June 06 I found myself in the OR readying up for my third c section. On June 1, I delivered my ds, conceived with no help! He weighed in at 9lbs 14lbs born at 37/38 weeks. It really wasn't until I held him, that all thoughts of pregnancy lost left me. It was a rough pregnancy mentally for me, but it can happen. They told me it couldn't but it did! They did put me on progesterone with him until week 14 because I began to spot at week 6 with progesterone levels of 18. Please don't lose hope. I have been both places (while I do realize that using clomid is a low level of fertilty help and others go through much more). They told me I couldn't conceive without help but I did four times but just was able to hold on to my one little man. Even having my two daughters and one son, I still have some sadness when I remember the pain of starting my period every month while trying to conceive and even more sadness when I think of the ones I lost, but while it will probably always be with me, it has gone away as I have come out the other side. I hope the same for all of you ladies. By the way, I did have my tubes tied after delivering my son as I don't know if I could make it mentally through another pregnancy!

 

Cabbie - February 15

sorry, he was born at 9lbs 10oz

 

chandellina - February 15

hey jessie, i remember you were moving there because i read about it and it sounds so cool! i'm glad that part of your life is turning out well. i know just what you mean about groundhog day. i was at this boring work conference on monday and had this eerie feeling remembering that exactly a year ago i was at another boring work conference and was calling the hospital on the coffee break to schedule an early ultrasound because i had just found out i was pregnant again. it did happen quickly for us the first two times. the first pregnancy was on our first month of trying and the second was 3 months after that miscarriage. all i can think is that my fertility is waning fast. i think it helps me to know that i am making every effort by having everything checked out, seeing a specialist, etc. but at the same time it adds stress to see signs like the FSH test that my ovarian reserves are possibly already in sharp decline and that is probably the reason for the miscarriages: poor-quality eggs. if you do see the ob-gyn, clomid could definitely be a good option to kick start things. do you track your ovulation through opks or temps? the frustrating thing i am finding is that apparently you can get positive opks and have your temps rise but that doesn't mean there is an actual egg dropping, or it could be a dud egg. cabbie - thanks for sharing your story and giving us hope!!

 

jessieb - February 15

cabbie, thanks so much! those are the stories that often get left out of this process. i am glad that women come back and help those of us still in the thick of it all. i hope i can do that same someday. i am sure, like you experienced, that once i hold our baby in my arms it will finally fade for me. i guess somewheres in me, i know i will get pregnant again. but the day to day, month to month, year to year waiting game is so hard to deal with. i am back in the 'why me' stage. i hate it, it is so self-indulgent. i just can't get past it until SOMEthing changes. thank you so much for sharing your story with us. any insights you have to share, after having been through it all? looking back is there treatment, actions, anything that seemed to help more or less for you?

 

jessieb - February 15

chandellina. yes, i have off and on tracked my temp for a year on FF. i have almost three years worth of cycles on mycycle. now, mycycle has charts, etc. kinda neat that they upgraded. for a couple months last summer i used OPKs too. according to all that, i am ovulating. i have the ridiculously standard 28 day cycle. the dud eggs scare me.... i have done a lot of research in my family. women on BOTH sides of my family have had fertility trouble. why do doctors not consider that? my dad's sisters both had trouble having children, one of them even adopted. my mom's sisters both had trouble having kids. my sister does have a daughter, who is 6. i don't know.... it is something i started to realize after talking to aunts in my family....what do you think about genetics role in fertility?

 

lindsie - February 15

Jessie, I definitely feel your pain and frustration over the "double whammy". I'm in a similar boat. I always thought my biggest problem would be around getting pregnant. I never thought much about actually staying pregnant once it happened. My story begins several years ago when we decided to try for a baby. I've always had really irregular periods so I knew it might take awhile. We tried for about 10 months and I didn't have a single natural period (except one "fake" period that was induced by Provera). Our dr. prescribed 100mg of Clomid and we conceived our twins on that first round. Fast forward about 2.5 years and we were ready for another one. We tried for a whole year naturally and nothing happened. We finally went back to Clomid 50mg. It took us three cycles before I finally got pregnant. It was such a relief! TTC has been the most emotionally draining time of my life. The depression over it takes over my life sometimes. Well, unfortunately we lost that baby at 5.5 weeks. This was in January of this year. We are now waiting to go back to Clomid (no messing around trying to conceive naturally this time). We are absolutely grateful to have our daughters, but I tell you, the pain of wanting a child doesn't seem any less to me this time around than it did when we had none. I have hope that it will happen for you soon. You may want to talk to your dr. about Clomid. That seems to be the answer for us. Good luck and keep us updated!

 

jessieb - February 16

hey lindsie, i remember the first moment that something could be wrong with my first pregnancy. i was WILDLY unprepared for it. i never ever thought that i would lose the pregnancy. i mean, i immediately knew something was very wrong when i started spotting. but i swear, someone needs to write a book 'what you DON"T expect, when you're expecting!!!" or they need to put a warning on pregnancy tests, that says 'hey, just because you are pregnant, it does not necessarily mean you will HAVE a baby" : ) this too has been the most emotionally draining part of my life. forget struggling through college between work, college and social life. forget the horror of dating, that is a cakewalk compared to TTC!!! so funny, because dating and relationships of the early 20s felt like the END of the world, right? who knew, it only gets worse! now you have mr. right but you can't get knocked up. you avoided it for so long and now that you want it, poof! when will you get back on clomid?

 

lindsie - February 16

I have a dr appt. on Monday to see about more Clomid. At the time of my m/c my dr. said he wanted us to wait 2 months before we started Clomid again. Its been just under two months now, so hopefully he won't go back on his word. I know what you mean about being unprepared for it. It never even occurred to me that something would go wrong. I've read other women's posts where they say the blind joy of being pregnant is lost forever once you've had a m/c. I totally agree. If we do conceive again I think I will be a nervous wreck for the whole 9 months.

 

sososleepy - February 17

jessieb, I want a copy of the 'what you DON'T expect' book too! I try to stay off this thread because every time I read how long it can take I can't keep reading. I'm on day 21 post mc and my dh is sick of ttc (go figure... guys can get too much.) and I have no clue if I'll O or when or when to expect af if not... According to bbt I haven't yet. WILDLY unprepared sums it up. Thanks for putting it in words.

 

stefkay - February 17

jessie, I had to laugh at the "what NOT to expect..." too, I've had multiple miscarriages the most recent being Jan 23rd and this last time I didn't want to tell anyone. I couldn't even pull out the baby name book from last time. Then my best friend bought me "What to Expect When You Are Expecting" and I almost freaked when she gave it to me because I was so afraid to have stuff like that around in case I m/c'd. So, I did m/c and that book is in the bottom of a chest in the back of my closet...lol

 

jessieb - February 17

hi sososleepy and stefkay, i too have a mountain of pregnancy books. all irrelevant at this point, i feel. i highly doubt that i am going to read or consult any of them if i get pregnant again. those books are for those women who are having a 'joyful' pregnancy. i am using one to hold up a shelf in my bathroom!!!! sleepy, how long had you been ttc? yeah go figure that men can actually have had enough of s_x! that fact would have to go in the 'what you DON"T expect' book! it is good that you are temping, that will give you the clue to when O happened. the first time i miscarried, my first period came 5 weeks later. the second time it came 4 weeks to the day after the d&c. i have tried to stay off this too. i was on it a lot last year, then walked away after september. tried to do the ol' i won't think about it and i will get pregnant trick. yah, that didn't work!!! so here i am back on here because i don't know anyone in my life that can sympathize with it. none of my friends are even married, they just don't know what i am going through. at all. i have two married girlfriends, they each had a baby last year.... need i say more? they tell me to relax or it will happen someday...... spoken from a woman who didn't tell her BF (at the time) that she had stopped taking B/C. stefkay, how many m/s have you had?

 

chandellina - February 18

hi ladies, i hope everyone is having a relaxing sunday. stefkay, sorry to hear about your recent miscarriage. have you gone through all the usual bloodtests, etc. to try and identify a reason for your miscarriages? mine never came up with anything and i'm now convinced it's just to do with my age. lindsie, that's great you had such luck with the clomid and conceived your daughters! i was really hopeful with the clomid but had to quit after a 3rd cycle because i was overstimulated. my dr says the injectable hormones are a much "smoother ride." jessie, it's interesting what you said about genetics and other women in your family. i don't know what to think. my mother did have a miscarriage between my brother and me. i think it was around the same time she discovered she had some terrible cysts that had to be removed. after she had me, she had a hysterectomy, even though she was only 24. but i've never had cysts except for the one on clomid and everything had seemed just fine with me until these miscarriages. i also have an aunt who lost a baby very late, around 7 months. there were chromosomal issues and according to the drs should have never made it that far. (she then went on to have a healthy baby and then stopped trying.) it's hard to know if there's any link though, since ultimately every woman in my family who has tried has ended up with at least one child, and my maternal grandmother had six for heavens sakes! it is so frustrating to see friends having no problem at all getting up the duff. my best friend in new york who married my high school sweetheart (i set them up) is in her second trimester - they got pg on their second month of vaguely trying. my sister in law is about to pop out number five, and she is two years older than me. meanwhile i am ama__sing a ridiculous collection on my counter of vitamins, algae powder, seeds, etc. in the search for something, anything that is going to kick in and grow me some healthy eggs!!

 

lindsie - February 19

Chandellina, I know what you mean about having a small pharmacy in your medicine cabinet. I've relentlessly searched the internet for that "majic potion" to get me pregnant (or for me, just to ovulate would be a nice change). I'd love to hear how the injectibles go for you. Are you nervous that you might have multiples? I saw the dr. today about starting the clomid again. Based on my temps I should see AF (hopefully not) by Friday. This will my first period since the m/c which was 7 weeks ago. At first he tried to put me off for one more period. But I persisted and reminded him that another period could be months away given my history. He finally gave in and gave me the prescription. I also asked about IUI. We live in a very small town and he said none of the docs here had ever done one before (although he did say he'd done fertilization on sea urchins in a college cla__s once, lol). He said to give it a few rounds on the clomid and then we'd see about the IUI. I was definitely having one of those "down" days this morning, but I feel much better after talking to him. Hope all you ladies had a good Monday.

 

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