Friend Just Lost Baby

9 Replies
Concerned friend - November 19

This question is for anyone who has lost a baby. My friend just lost her baby after being almost seven months pregnant. Her pregnancy suddenly turned high risk and she's been in the hospital for a few weeks. She gave birth today and the baby died. :( I'm so sad for her and would like to know what is the best thing I can do for her right now. I'm going to make sure she knows I'm here for her and willing to help her in any way I can. But I don't know exactly what she's going through as I've never experienced her loss before. On top of that, I'm pregnant also. I don't know if it will make her more sad to see me still pregnant with a healthy baby and she is not. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks!

 

meg - November 19

Hello-I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. The best thing you can do is to be there for her. Whatever you do, don't tell her that it's for the best and she can always have another. I don't think you'd say something like that b/c you sound very sincere and concerned, but some people just say things b/c they don't know what to say, even if they don't mean it. Good luck to you in your pregnancy and I'll keep you friend in my prayers. You could get her something that is a memory keepsake-that always makes me feel better. Take care!

 

gina - November 19

I also just lost my baby at 22 weeks and have had many different reactions from friends. The worst is when people tell me I can always adopt. That kills me. Also, ask her honestly as time goes on what her comfort level is around you. Right now, I can't even bear to look at a pregnant woman. Don't take it personally if she doesn't want to attend your shower or talk about what is going on for you with your baby. Try to just be authentic and understand if she pulls away from you right now. As time goes on, she will begin to heal and I know she will rejoice for you. But don't push it. My friend just had a baby boy and keeps asking me to come see her and the baby and sent me a birth announcement when I've just lost my daughter. It is really upsetting. So just try to understand, OK?

 

Concerned friend - November 19

meg and gina, thanks for your responses. gina, I'm sorry for your loss! I can't imagine what your going through right now.My prayers are with you. meg, I don't know if you lost a baby, too. But if so, I'm sorry for your loss, also. I can only say that as a pregnant woman, I know the love I have for my baby and I would be devastated to lose my little one. You women are very strong and such a blessing to be offering advice for others in your time of sorrow! Lots of hugs and prayers to both of you! What do you think I should do about calling my friend? She's still in the hospital with her husband and family, and I can imagine that she probably doesn't want to talk to anyone very much right now. And I'm sure they are busy making arrangements for the funeral, too. I'd still like to let her know I'm here for her if she needs anything. I think it would be better to wait a few days and then call her or her husband at home. What do you think? Also, I want to approach the conversation with caution. Besides the things you girls said to avoid saying, what are some other things that may seem natural for me to say, but may be very upsetting for her? What words of comfort helped you the most? meg, I think your idea of a memory keepsake would be nice. What would you suggest? Would something with maybe her daughter's name and a nice poem on it be appropriate? Thanks, again for the advice and my prayers are with you both.

 

Mindy - November 20

I lost my baby at 12 wks due to a hematoma in Aug. I had a lot of friends that were pregnant and said nothing to me and I was very hurt. I thought they were suppose to be my friends to support me through anything. It was a very hard and lonely time for me to go through and I'm still not over it. If I were you, I would go over there and be with your friend and talk with her. Let her lean her head on your shoulder and listen, cry and talk with her. Be as supportive as you, if she is a very good friend to you. Do it as soon as possible and if she tells you that she can't be around you because your pregnant, then go with her wishes. Sending her cards in the mail telling her that you are praying for her might help also.

 

Concerned friend - November 20

Mindy, sorry for the loss of your baby! I'll keep you in my prayers! I'd love to go see my friend now, but she's still in a hospital that is several hours from where I live. She has her husband and family with her, too. I certainly intend on seeing her once she gets home, but I feel that it's best to allow her and her family some private time to grieve. Do you think it would be okay to call her at the hospital or should I wait until she gets out? Thanks, for your advice and again I'm very sorry for your loss!

 

Mindy - November 20

I know every one is different but for me personally, it would have cheered me up for someone to call me and talked to me. This is a different situation then mine though. My heart goes out to her for what she has gone through, carring a baby for 7 months and losing that baby. Maybe what you can do is just call her and ask her if there is anything you can do for her, let her know that you just want to be of some support to her and that you are there for her when ever she needs you. Another thing to do is to pray that God will help her through this hard time and bless her abundantly. I'll pray for your friend also. God Bless!!

 

Melissa - November 21

I know you probably won't like my answer, but if I were you, I'd just call her and talk to her as often as you can. But I wouldn't visit yet. Your belly may make her very upset. I know this from my own experience. Also, DO NOT even mention your pregnancy, don't tell her you feel bad because you are pregnant etc., don't even mention it. I say this because After my miscarriage, my pregnant friend immediately started in with the "I feel so bad, I wanted to be pregnant together yada yada yada." Then just a few days later, she was off and running about the mouth aall about her pregnancy. So just say nothing about that! Eventually she'll bring it up.

 

Jen - November 21

I think youre a really great friend to want to be there for her in the best way. I just had a m/c and my best friend found out 2 weeks later that she was preg. Just let her do the talking and asking q's. Sometimes I'm in the mood to discuss her preg and sometimes it kills me. I AM VERY HAPPY for them. It just hurts. What hurts the most is the fact that I think this will bring us further apart and she will bond with other preg women more. Also the complaining about nausea and things doesn't help. Don't forget her hormones are messed up right now and sometimes we don't really mean what we say.

 

karine - November 27

i also agree that calling her, but not seeing her at the moment is best, it it were me i would be even sadder seeing your belly. but by calling her she will still know that you are there for her, and let her know when she is ready you could go out for lunch or somthing.

 

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