Help Getting Through First Month After M C

215 Replies
Hel - January 8

Hi all! Glad to see you now have to register on this site ~ you didn;t used to have to and it caused mayhem. Anyway, I had a m/c @ 6wks just b4 xmas. In so many ways I felt fortunate I wasn;t further along/it wasn't a stillbirth and resolved that my body had rejected an embryo that wasn;t right. Most of the time I feel OK but I keep getting very down about it. Waves of sadness just seem to knock me down and I feel like I;m grieving but I have not right to. Anyone else just had a m/c and would like some mutual support?

 

Ashley - January 8

Hi Hel, I just had one at 11wks. The baby measured 9wks and had d&c 9days ago. I feel the same way. But we DO have a right. Don't forget that. These were our babies, even if they were smaller than others. I also feel fortunate to have had it happen when it did rather than be stillborn or farther along. But it's still heartbreaking none the less. Even at 6wks, we have already got dreams for our babies and wonder what they'll look like and so on. So we have every right to grieve for our babies, no matter how far along we were. I've been doing pretty well, trying to stay positive. And now I can't wait to try again. This was my first pregnancy so I have good hope for the future. Hoping it was just random bad luck. The holidays sure did suck for us this year didn't they. I found out two days after christmas that my baby wasn't alive. Great huh>

 

Hel - January 9

Hi Ashley. Most of the time I do feel positive, yesterday was a low day. I am getting back in the game of ttc as soon as I feel ready (a couple of cycles). That was my first pregnancy too and I am more than ready to be a mommy. I'm sorry it happened to you, too, and you had those few extra weeks of knowing your baby was coming along, compared to me.

 

Jennifer28 - January 9

Hi Hel and Ashley. I found out on Dec. 28 I miscarried. I didn't really feel anything was wrong. The nausea subsided but my b___sts were still really sore. I thought the symptoms were lessening b/c my 1st trimester was ending. I thought I was 13 weeks but I found out I was only 9 weeks. After the 2nd ultrasound still found no heartbeat, my doctor sent me down to the Radiology department at the hospital. A 3rd and 4th ultrasound still found no heartbeat, so my doc scheduled me for a D&C the very next morning. No matter how far along you are you still feel a tremendous amound of loss. My heart still feels empty. To go from being pregnant to not is a feeling I cannot even describe. I have a wonderful support group - my husband, my mom and my best friend. But still it feels as if no one understands what is going on inside me. Not even me. My husband and I are already trying again. My doc said we needed to wait a week after the procedure before being intimate - which we did. I still can't help blaming myself. No matter who tells me it wasn't my fault. I understand the hope of random bad luck to be the cause. So many women go thru this. It just doesn't seem fair or right. I know we're lucky that it happened sooner rather than later but it doesn't help to ease the pain or the feeling of complete and total loss. The waves of sadness will lessen from what I hear - but it isn't very comforting to me now. I think the worst part about it is I was looking at my baby when I got the news there was no heartbeat. I could see him or her on the screen... I felt such joy. But, it only lasted for a moment. I knew something was wrong by the look on my doctor's face. I just feel so very empty. I don't know if becoming pregnant again will help to ease the pain... It is scary since this was my first pregnancy. I just don't know if I can handle going thru this again.

 

AshleyB - January 9

hey Jennifer, I was the same as you. 1st pregnancy and I was looking at my baby too. First I was just in awe and amazement but then I noticed the dr was very quiet and kept moving around for a better view even we seemed to have a great view. He was just too quiet for too long. Then he told us. He was wonderful though, he explained everything and even told us that he'd been through this 3times with his own wife and he knew how it felt and how sorry he was. Anyway, it was such a mix of emotions, first such joy and then fear and then such horrible heartbreaking pain. I'm still having a hart time. But I must honestly say I'm doing alot better. I just can't wait to be pregnant again. Hope you feel better soon and good luck for a healthy pregnancy this next time.

 

Jennifer28 - January 9

Ashley - It does help to know I am not the only one in the world going through this. I have been all over this site reading postings but you and Hel really touched me. It is just so new. You seem so positive about the future... I just wish I could feel the same way. I'm sure you must be as scared about future pregnancies as I am. I think the best words to describe my feelings are helpless and empty. I just hope every woman that faces this has someone to talk to. Even though I do, I still felt compelled to search out other women that have gone through the same thing. My doctor was an angel. He let me cry, he talked to my husband and explained everything to him, he told me of the experiences he and his wife faced - she had a miscarriage her first pregnancy plus lost twins a few years later. But, at the same time he was encouraging me not to give up. But I still just feel so lost. I know this is the grieving process but I hate it. To be so hopeful one moment and then to have your whole world rocked the next... It's awful. Thanks for your words of encouragement. I see a lot of the women wishing each other luck and 'baby dust'. So - lots of luck and baby dust to you! And thanks again for taking the time to reply.

 

Hel - January 9

Ashley (same as AshleyB?)& Jennifer. It is good, well not good but, comforting to know someone else is experiencing the same thing. DH is wonderful, but I still have felt so alone in this loss. He has struggled with his own feelings over, but to no one was it more real than to me. It's so hard. I will ttc again, but definitely not until I'm ready. 90% of the time I feel OK and "back to normal" but on Saturday in the supermarket I saw a newborn and it broke my heart, I had to fight back my tears! Imagine. Now when I see people with their babies, I will remind myself that the chances are that woman went through a m/c before having a healthy pregnancy. I do fully accept what's happened. I just feel saddened by it. It will be really nice if we can support each other as we come to terms with this in our own ways, if you'd like to. xx

 

Jennifer28 - January 9

The worst is seeing newborn babies. It is so hard to see knowing I was supposed to have my own in July. Or any events in July - like writing birthdays on my calendar for 2006. It is just devistating. I am just having a really bad day today. I would love to keep in touch with both of you. Reading your responses really helped me through the day. What a horrible thing to have to go through. You always hear of things like this but until you experience it yourself - you just cannot understand the feeling of complete and total loss. Thanks again - both of you - for lending me an ear.

 

Jen01 - January 9

Hello all. I'm sorry that we al have this in common. I m/c with my first pregnancy in 9/05. This is my first month to ttc. I am very nervous about experiencing the same thing again, but I don't know what else to do but try again. I have wanted children for so long. My husbnd finally decided he was ready and then Bam. God showed us. I feel like he just laughed at all our planning. I don't mean that badly, I understand that he was protecting me from something that wasn't right. I understand how you feel, I was completely devastated. Once the hormones settled down I was better. Not 100%, but better. I pa__sed the 3 month wait by reading the posts every day and reading books on m/c. My husband thought it was depressing, but I didn't know what else to do. I was only 7 weeks along, but it was the worst thing that I have ever experienced. My best friend also had a m/c 2 months later, but she did not react the same way that I did. She is really good at hiding her feelings. I didnt feel like I could shre anything with her. So here I am talking to you guys. Thanks for sharing.

 

AshleyB - January 9

Hi ladies-yes this is the same Ashley, I just wasn't logged on the first time. Well, sounds like we all have some healing to do... I think it would be great if we could help eachother do that.Jennifer28, hel, I feel the same as you both. Tonight on tv (Lifetime) I watched that new movie, For the love of a child. It was about child abuse. It broke my heart and i've been crying and emotional all night. I'm kind of in the self pity mode right now. It just killed me to see the tragic stories that some of these kids had to go through(it was a true story) but what I mean is, there are so many horrible parents that take their kids for granted and beat them and do horrible things to them, they don't deserve them. Why didn't they have the m/c's not us. They can have kids just to ruin their lives and I couldn't have mine. I don't understand. I know that there has to be a reason and it was God's will but sometimes I just get so mad about it. Anyway I guess I just needed to vent a little. I've been so emotional the last 2days, crying really easily. My hormones must be all over the place or something. Does anyone know how long it would take for the hcg in you system to go back to zero?? I was 11wks, baby was 9wks?? Just curious. anyway if anyone wants to email me this is my address. [email protected] We can support eachother and be email buddies if you want. Anytime you guys want to talk just send a note and I'll be here. Thanks everybody.

 

Patreasa - January 10

Hi Ladies. I lost my daughter an hour after she was born 3 days after christmas. I went into premature labor and had her soon after. I am so heartbroken and devastated. I wish i could turn back the hands of time and hold her again and kiss her more and tell her that i love her. I really do miss her. I was only 22 weeks when I lost her, and she was fully developed, but just so tiny, and she had no way of surviving...Ladies, it doesn't matter if you lost your baby at 6 weeks or 6 months, we are ALL still mothers, and we all have a riht to be sad and hurt, as no mother should have to go thru this. I really do hope we all can recover from our losses and move forward and have healthy babies to take home with us...God bless all of you ladies, because if it weren't for your kind words, I don't know where I'd be ^j^

 

Jennifer28 - January 10

I guess anger and a feeling of being betrayed by God has to be natural. It seems like we're all experiencing that. I try to talk to Him as much as I can. Most of the time it is through tears but I know He is listening. I don't know if I could survive what Patreasa is going through. I think that is why I am so scared to ttc again. But there is hope. As hard as it is to understand why what happened did happen to us - everything we experience is for a reason. I have to believe that. For me, I like to think God was making me understand just how ready to be a mommy I really am. When I first found out I was pregnant, I was scared to death. I am 28 years old, have been blissfully married for almost 5 years and we have a home the perfect size for a little one to join us. I was beginning to understand the changes I was experiencing bringing a child into our lives and then BAM. It is hard to see abused and neglected children. I haven't been able to watch the news since my procedure. It is too depressing. But maybe this is our lesson. Don't take anything for granted. Even if being pregnant has its miserable moments (gaining weight, being nautious, etc.) we have to learn to enjoy each and every moment.

 

Jen01 - January 10

JEnnifer28 - I feel like I was reading my life story when i read your last post. I am 27, married for 4 1/2 years, and ready for baby. I try to think of myself as lucky because I know I will never take the next baby for granted after what we've been through. I feel like this will make me a better parent/mother one day. Same for the rest of you girls. We will be so much more appreciative for what we've got when we get it. You said something about the people who abuse their children. The one that gets me is the ones who are on drugs and drinking...How can they possible carry a baby to full term and I couldn't . That was my big question at first. Now I just don't ask why.

 

Jennifer28 - January 10

You can drive yourself absolutely insane with the "why" questions, can't you? What bothers me is there are no answers to any of them. I know we need time to heal but time doesn't seem to go by fast enough for me these days. I bought an ovulation test yesterday but I'm afraid of putting too much pressure on myself. And my husband. I know the tests might not be accurate because of the m/c but it feels better than sitting around doing nothing. I really think this is such a great help. Within each and every one of us is the ability to be a great mother and we will have that opportunity. I just know it. I haven't been this positive since I got the news. I have to thank you girls. You have given me the strength I need to face the long days ahead. I know there will be more hard days but I can't believe God could deny any of us the miracle of becoming moms very soon. We can't give up! It is okay to grieve but we can't let that grief cloud our faith!

 

Hel - January 10

Wow, this thread has really taken off! I have been feeling loads better reading your posts and getting inspiration from your strength. Jen01, welcome. I'm a bit nervous about ttc again, too, but am sort of squashing that thought to the back of my mind. I feel impatient about having to wait a couple of months, to be honest. I think my philosophy will be: not to worry about the things I cannot change. I will do all I can to be a calm person, to give my bean a calm body in which to establish itself. Patraesa, what you went through sounds unbearable. I hope you have a good loving dh/df/db who is looking after you. I hate to admit it, but you sort of draw comfort from knowing that other women are going through the same thing ~ not that you would wish this on anyone else, just that when people say, "m/cs are soooo common" you think oh yey?? prove it! I remember the idea of a m/c being something I couldn't even bear thinking abouit but, I survived it, it wasn;t the end of the world. I will pull through this. I will be a great mommy. I alos feel blessed b/c this is my first m/c and theres nothing yet to say it will happen again so I remain positive. Hope you're all well. How long are you / (or have you been told to) going to wait before ttc again??

 

Hel - January 10

BTW, Ashley, weren't you on the Baby Poops threads that kept getting intercepted a few weeks back?

 

Jennifer28 - January 10

Hel - my doc told me to wait a week before we started trying again b/c of the threat of infection. He said we could try right after that week was up if I was ready. I have never been more ready for anything in my whole life! I think all docs are different, though. I have read a lot of messages and it seems as if everyone has been told something different by their doc.

 

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