How Do I Cope Am I Selfish

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Rachellesagony - October 14

my fiance and I recieved the great new's that I was pregnat june 07, I have two kids from a previous marriage, and he has one. We have none together. And granted the baby wasn't planned, it still found a place in my heart, and in my dreams if only for a while. Everything was ok, moved, and was ok. I started cramping, and then spotting in Aug. I went to the Er, and at 14-15 weeks I had lost the baby. No fetal movement, or heart beat. The bloodtest and measurements came back that the baby was only 11-12 weeks. I had carried a dead baby for 1 month and had no idea. The doctor consulted me asked me about my insurance, then sent me on my way. Told me to contact a OB/GYN about getting a D&C or hope the baby passes. I left the hospital Aug. 28th, with the baby. dead. still inside of me. I felt so lost, and scared, and upset. I didn't have insurance, was that why they didn't give me a D&C? I called all the local doctors, and they wanted +$700 before they would even see or touch me. I couldn't afford it. On Aug.30 it was my birthday. I was a mess. On Aug. 31st, I was driving to pick up my kids, from their father, and in the middle of the 12 hour drive, I had the Whole (bloody) miscarriage, The bag of water's popped in the car, and I got out, my black pants where red, and I took them off bottom half naked and lost the baby there. I have since then kinda stuff things away for a bit to be composed for my kids, but I'm a wreak inside, I hurt. I can't stand the way I feel. I have never lost anyone I have been close to or a baby. No one in my family has really had a known miscarriage. It hurts. I get so jealous and upset then cry when I find out other people are pregnat. People who c__p and moan over being pregnat on accident. Last Sat I found out my fiance's ex wife is pregnat (with new bf), and then on top of that my 17 year old sister. These two make the list to 7 of people I know who are pregnat. I had a breakdown when I found out about my sister, and my mom told me I was being selfish. That all I was doing was thinking about myself, I had two kids already and maybe that's gods way of telling me I don't need more. I feel like whether I had 2 or 10 kids having other children shouldn't make this loss any differnt than the loss at all. I know I may sound ungrateful of the children I do have but who ever thinks "I'm pregnat but I'm not going to give birth" right? Everyone says you can try again, but my fiance is going away to sea (navy boy) for six to eight months starting in November. I won't see him. Not only that I'm afraid, what if it happens again and again. I want to be able to start a family withh him, and have at least one child with him. sigh, i don't know. How do i deal with this all because crying just makes it worse. I don't watch tv because commercials make me cry, I can't stand to be around people with babies, whether they coo, sleep or cry., I can break down in public, and not be able to control it. Any ideas?

 

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