How Do You All Handle Other People S Quot Joy Quot

9 Replies
Mrs. P - August 4

About 5 weeks ago, at 11.5 weeks pregnant, I miscarried my baby. Obviously I'm still trying to deal with my emotions and gearing myself up for another round of "trying". In any case, I was wondering how you all deal with the people around you who experiencing what we all want--pregnancy and birth. It seems like every other day, I learn of another friend or co-worker who is pregnant. To make matters worse, out of 14 women that work for me, 5 of them are currently pregnant--one of them exactly as far along as I would have been. There are babies showers to attend, constant baby talk around the office and new baby gifts to buy. It's almost too much for me to bear. I've been putting on my "happy face" but underneath I am devastated. I want to hide in my office all day, not pick up the phone (to avoid another conversation hearing, "Guess what? I'm pregnant". I'm feeling selfish and narrow-minded about not wanting to be around these people. How do you all deal with this?

 

Alison - August 4

I totally sympathise with you. Over this past year or so throughout my 3 miscarriages between 12 and 14 (I lose count now!) couples we know have had babies/are having babies and it has been and still is so unbearably hard. I am such a chicken I try and hide from it as much as is possible, but even when I'm at home thoughts go through my mind of what they are all experiencing that I should be experiencing too and it just kills me. I get through it by thinking how much I care about them and would not wish any less for them than I do for myself. I tell myself that it's something to be glad about that they are not having to go through what I am as I would not wish that on anyone. It is so hard though to see people around you with the dream that you want so much coming true. It just seems so unfair. But I try and tell myself that we are going to have our own baby one day, and it will be wonderful and our dreams will come true. I admire you for putting on a happy face-so often I find myself in tears and unable to look happy! You are not being selfish or narrow-minded I totally can relate to how you are feeling and I'm sure alot of other ladies here can too. Try and take everything one day at a time. Don't be too hard on yourself, give yourself the time and space you need just now as you are grieving. Do your colleagues know about your loss? Maybe you are able to have a quiet word with one of your colleagues you are closest too about how you are struggling with the "atmosphere" in the office? Be kind to yourself you have been through alot and what you are feeling is normal. I pray that soon you will conceive a healthy baby and I wish you lots of happiness. my thoughts are with you. Take care xxx

 

Cabbie - August 4

I can totally understand how you feel. I am 5 weeks post d&c. My sister is due Sept 14 and I finished throwing her a baby shower this weekend. It was a real struggle for me. I had to keep reminding myself that my misfortune had nothing to do with hers. I have two healthy beautiful children and this is her first. However, it was very hard to look at all the sweet baby clothes. It is also hard to hear her complain about how she can't wait for this pregnancy to be over. I know I did the same thing at the end of both of my successful pregnancies, but I still stings. I think the hardest thing to show excitement over was when she and my mom brought over the baby's going home outfit to show me. I was one week out of my d&c. That was very hard. It has also been hard because my sister has never acknowledged anything happened to me, not a call, a card, a hug, nothing. She lives five mins from me. But in the end, I don't want anything to taint this first time for her so I will be strong. I also dread that a sister in law that I am not so fond of is actively trying to have their third. That will be tough. I do not know if we will have another. I had two successful pregnancies and now have lost three this year. Anyway, I understand what you are feeling. I just have to keep reminding myselft I can't let this affect my sister's happy event no matter how much it hurts.

 

Tara - August 4

Mrs P and Alison, I am so sorry for your losses. I never realized the amount of pain involved in having a miscarriage. I was lucky to have two healthy babies before losing my third. I had two friends when I was pregnant with my first two healthy babes one miscarried at 12 weeks and another had a baby that died one week after he was born.I never realized that while I was going through the happiest time of my life it was the worst for them. After losing my baby at 12 weeks I now understand how horrible it must have been for them. I think you both are so brave, I have a hard time looking at all my baby items. Im thinking of putting them away. I cant even watch TV if it has a pregnant women on it or read a magazine that shows some celebrity who is pregnant. Im a stay at home mom and I lately have a hard time going out in fear I will see someone who is pregnant and that just makes me cry and the rest of my day is depressing.My daughter told my husband and I last night(shes only 4 )that she wants a baby and wants mommy to have a big belly like the teacher at her pre school. I dont know what to tell her. I havent talked to one of my best friends because while I was having a D&C she was giving birth to her second child a son. She lately thinks I should be there to help her with her son and thinks that because I was only 12 weeks when baby died I should get over it. I loved that baby as much as the children I have even if it wasent fully developed. We concieved that baby out of love and it will always be part of our family. I think the hardest thing is that if you have never gone through the loss of a baby you can never fully understand. Before this I never knew what others were going through when they had a miscarriage. I have become a better person because of this awful experience. I have a hard time looking at babies and pregnant women, but thats part of my grieving and hopefully it will pa__s soon. I know that when we have our future babies they will have the best mommies ever because we wanted them so bad. I sometimes dont understand why god puts us through this but maybe he has a plan to make us better people and wonderful moms. good luck to you ladies I wish the best for you!

 

crisy - August 4

Hi Mrs. P. I know how you feel. I work with pregnant women and newborns. I follow their pregnancy and when they give birth I go see them at home. It's very hard and sometimes I come back to my office and I cry. I am happy for them but sad for myself. I think the hardest thing for me was during the prenatal groups as there were about 40 pregnant women in the room asking me questions about pregnancy and baby care. It was so hard that afterwards I was crying like crazy in my office. I love my job and I don't want to change it but sometimes it's hard. I pray everyday and I tell myself that my baby is looking over my husband and I, protecting us and keeping us safe. When I feel sad I talk to my baby and I tell him\her that I miss him\her. I ask God to comfort me and to give me strenght to help my patients who need me. It's so hard and sometimes I want to hide too! In the beginning I wasn't looking foward going to work but now it's getting better. You are not selfish and you are not narrow-minded! The way you feel is normal. I felt like a horrible person because I did not want to be around pregnant women. I even said why them and not me! What we went through is very hard and the people who never had a miscarriage don't understand the impact that this loss has on a woman. One of my co-workers told me that I looked depressed. No kidding!!! I see pregnant women and newborns everyday!! What does she expect from me? I am very professional and I don't show my patients my pain but when I am alone it's normal to cry a little bit. Since I found this site, I am a lot better. All the ladies here are amazing and I got so much support. You girls are like sisters and this keeps me going. My baby is in Heaven now and I pray to God everyday to get the opportunity to become a mother. Have you spoken to your co-workers? I find that sometimes people are ignorant about miscarriages and they say things that are not appropriate. Do they know that you lost your baby? I think that they should be a bit more sensitive and more caring towards you. Dealing with loss and going through the grieving process takes a long time. People don't usually understand that until it happens to them. I am so sorry for your loss and I hope that your pain will heal. Thinking of you. Take care.

 

Kara - August 4

I am so sorry ot here about your baby. You are totally justified in how you feel. Your only obligation is to yourself right now. Do whatever you have to do to survive these next few months. If that means being anti-social at work, so be it. Take care of good care of your self and I hope you feel better.

 

Mrs. P - August 5

You are all such incredible women. Thank you for understanding. It means so much, when you feel so alone, to have a place to get support- and from people that we've never even met before. While I always feel better after reading the posts here because I know that I'm not the only one and I am validated in my feelings,yet at the same time I also feel devasted by the amount of heartbreak on this site. However I have also learned, and the people on this site have confirmed it, God doesn't give you anything that you can't handle. The women on this site are strong and will persevere through these challenges. Thank you for making me feel normal and for giving me the strength to try again to have another baby one day.

 

susan - August 8

I can understand how you are feeling right now. I lost my baby 2 weeks ago, I was 19 weeks pregnant. My friend & I got pregnant around the same time, she's was 2 weeks ahead of me. I'm trying to be happy for her and deep inside I'm so jealous of her. And if that wasn't bad enough my sister and law is due in 3 weeks. It seems the harder you try to move on you're always be reminded that you not pregnant anymore. I don't know how to deal with this it still so fresh in my mind. I will probably be more upset when my sister and law has her baby because I know she has so many fun things ahead of her to look forward too. hopefully everything works out for you.

 

For Mrs. P from XOkimXO - August 8

First off let me say i am sorry for your loss. I know hearing that does not take away the pain, i know that because i have experienced the same thing in March. Now it just seems that all my friends and family members are getting pregnant and having healthy baby boys and girls. Some of my friends are even scared to tell me they are pregnant and others dont even think twice to tell me that they are pregnant and having an abortion. I want to be happy for all my friends and family but yet it is so hard. Some days, my husband will find me crawled up on the floor balling my eyes out, other days i am as cold as a iceburg, not caring about anything. Its a hot and cold effect. i can give you one thing of advice and that is... worry about your self and not others. Dont be selfish but just realize that your mental state is the most important. If you want some kind of closure to your M/C you can do something like name a star for your child or get a charm of some sort to wear aroudn your neck. I recently bought a birthstone in the month of Sept which was when my baby was due. I had it put in a ring and i know that I always have it there to look at. No it does not take away the pain, but it does help with the healing process. Trust me when i say being happy for others is harder then it looks and bitting your tongue is harder then that. Just take it one day at t atime and try to worry about your healing process rather then pleasing other people by saying the right thing. If you would like to chat, please feel free to email me at [email protected]

 

Julie - August 9

I think some people can be so insensitve when it comes to dealing with friends who have suffered a loss. I had a normal pregnancy with my daughter. We decided to start ttc in January thinking it would be like it was when we were ttc #1 (I got pregnant in two cycles). Well, I finally got pregnant six months later. At a routine ultrasound at 9 weeks, the OB discovered I had a blighted ovum. I had no real symptoms that anything was wrong. I elected to use Misoprostol to get the inevitable m/c going. One week later I had a repeat ultrasound to check that everything had pa__sed. My "friend" who started to ttc at the same time as me and feel pregnant 3 months earlier also had her 20 week ultrasound that day. As soon as I got home that was all I heard about....how wonderful it was for HER and how wonderful it was she was having another baby...blah, blah, blah. I had just confirmed that my pregnancy was over, probably the sadest day of my life and she's talking about herself non stop. I can't feel happy for anyone at the moment. My OB is optimistic that I will get pregnant again by the end of the year and will go on to having a normal pregnancy. I can't feel the same. Everytime I hear of a friend or someone else I know saying they're pregnant, I want to be happy for them, but part of me wants them to fell the same pain I am. Why must I suffer while everyone else's pregnancy is perfect? I never imagined I'd be the one to suffer a m/c and I hope I never have to again.

 

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