I Am In Shock Still

10 Replies
margie - February 10

i have been on the first trimester site now the past 6 weeks or so and now i must move on to here....i can't believe this is happening to me. i'm sure that all of you can relate to this feeling of emptiness. it is 1:30am here and i can't sleep all i can do is cry. i have been having spotting throughout my pregnancy, i should be 10 weeks today...last night i had some pretty bad back pain and then moved to the front then this morning woke up to what felt like after a pap smear pain in my cervix...when i went to the bathroom and found more red blood spotting i just had a feeling like "this is it" and the dr office fit me in....he checked me and my cervix was closed so he was positive and thought perhaps a slight seperation from the implantation site was just the cause of the bleeding perhaps but sent me to get an ultrasound just in case..I was not prepared for the memory that will haunt me forever...seeing that baby on the screen and the look on the face of the lady doing the ultrasound and no movement at all from the baby including no movement from its little heart...i was sobbing before her words "i'm sorry" came out, she had to toss a towel at my head to muffle my crying and ran out of the room to get the dr...i can't believe my baby is inside me right now and not alive. i had a dream with my mom who passed away a couple years ago in it the other night and she was holding a beautiful precious baby boy that looked just as i can imagine our baby looking like, i think that the baby is an angel in heaven now with my parents....he/she even has a name, even if it is a nickname but i could never call another baby again my little peanut. im sorry if this is long, i just am feeling lonely and felt like i needed to get this out to women who understand what this is like. i have a d&c scheduled for monday evening......it is going to be a long weekend.

 

kristie h - February 10

Hi Margie, i am so sorry you are going through this, it is a very lonley place and it will be one of the most lonley places you will ever go to. It may not seem like it now, but as weeks and months go by you will begin to feel better and you will end up living your nomal life again. I have had 2 miscarriages and it was the worse time of my life. I will promise you, you will get through it, greive as much as you want and for as long as you want as that will help you a great deal. If you ever need to chat send me a post, You are in my thoughts ((hugz))

 

sososleepy - February 10

Margie I am so very sorry. I lost mine at 9 weeks just under two weeks ago. I started bleeding on Sunday, and had my first ultra sound scheduled for Monday. I can imagine what it felt like for you to find out there at yours; all the sorrow but in front of strangers; Oh Margie I am sorry. I had a dnc that same Monday, and if it helps the bleeding and cramping were pretty much done after it. Just tiny spotting and crampy twinges, but not real cramps. In a way it didn't help, because at least at the beginning my physical pain was more in line with my emotional pain, and perhaps a distraction from it. After, I just cried a lot and posted all over this board and did a whole lot of research on what happened (no real answers) and how soon I could ttc again because I just so still want to be pg. Hang out here this weekend and we'll get you through it as best we can; there are a lot of good people here; it's helped me a lot these past couple of weeks to be here.

 

DownbutnotOUT - February 10

Im very sorry for your loss and I pray you heal emotionally, mentally and physically. I had awoken the day after mothers day to red soaked panties and went to the bathtub to clean up my panties and i continued to spot but it was brown blood. i went to the ER I was suppose to be 11 weeks 1 day and I had an internal done and the dr was hopeful saying my cervix was closed and there was no active bleeding but they were going to do a u/s as well. Well it was in the u/s that the tech told me that they wouldnt call the dr unless there was something wrong so he started the u/s, well about 5 minutes into it he paged the dr and I knew. the dr came in and they turned on the heartbeat sound and I instantly heard mine but that was it and the tech turned down the volume very low and thats when i looked at the dr and said my baby is dead isnt it? Thats when I heard "IM so sorry" it was the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life I wanted to curl up into myself and die. My baby was only 6 weeks 6 days when it pa__sed and I had been carrying a dead baby inside me for over 4 weeks! I asked the tech to see the baby to say goodbye and he showed me the pic of my little baby with no heartbeat and I sobbed harder. They sent me home after doing blood work and said to get a repeat u/s in 4 days to see if the fetus is growing and to get a repeat HCG count. well the next day i started pa__sing huge clots and the next HCG went from 6900 to about 2500 and the other u/s showed the fetus still inside me. During that time I felt so sick i felt as if I was a cemetary a walking monument to the baby inside of me and it destroyed me. Well 4 days later I pa__sed the baby and sac still attached to the tissue and once the baby was out I cried because I felt more empty than i had before. It was so weird how I wanted it out so bad and when the baby finally came out I was left feeling empty??????? I have since called my baby ALex since not knowing if it was going to be a boy or girl and my EDD has come and pa__sed but I cry as I type this because I feel your pain in your words. I am sooooo incredible sorry you or any other woman has to go through such a crushing moment. there is a shimmer of hope, its hard, but you do get better you do move on, it doesnt hurt as much but part of your heart aches for your angel and it is the constant thought of my baby being held by my oma and opa who have pa__sed that are holding Alex in their arms until mommy can.

 

Jairia - February 10

Margie, I'm so sorry for your loss, and I feel your pain. I too miscarried (twins) at 6.5 weeks back in March. I too, could never call another baby "my little peanut(s)." Throughout the pregnancy, I referred to them as my little peanuts. I know it's difficult and will be for quite some time. With time, you learn how to cope a little differently. Many don't understand your loss or your pain. I strongly recommend praying for peace and comfort and surrounding yourself with those who love you and will be able to encourage you. Each milestone that should have been will be difficult. Just know that there are many who have walked in your shoes. Perhaps writing your feelings down may help. God bless you, and I pray that He gives you comfort and peace during this tragic time.

 

stefkay - February 11

Hi margie, like everyone here I am so so sorry that you are having to go through this. My story is almost exactly like yours. I saw the baby's h/b at 6-7wks and then when I went back at what should have been 10-11 weeks the hb was gone and the baby had stopped growing like 3 weeks earlier. I was devastated. I used to post with the August girls on the first tri board and it killed me. I did see your post a while back about measuring small for your lmp and I had the same thing as did many women here (I've found since my m/c). I measured 1.5-2 weeks smaller than I should have been by lmp and the dr. didn't seem concerned. I never felt ok about it the whole time. I just wish I could have done more, but know iin my heart that I did everything I could to help grow a healthy baby. I've found this place is so helpful for me to be able to talk with all of these wonderful women who are going through the same things at the same time. HUGS!!!

 

margie - February 14

Thank you so much everyone. It makes me feel so much less alone to be here with people that understand what this feels like. I think that people don't know how to act or what to say around me...so they just ignore it instead. I got my d&c on Monday evening and it went well, I was already in quite a bit of pain since I had to wait the weekend and the bleeding had been getting heavier. The dr. said that I was already pretty much in the middle of miscarriage naturally when he went to do the procedure, but I wasn't yet to the worst of the pain/bleeding so it was good I got it all over with at once at least. Emotionally I'm doing better too...I still cry of course but I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you all so much for these posts, I have read them over the weekend and it helped me a great deal. I just didn't have the strength to say much else without breaking down until now. Like I said, it's getting easier...it's nice to know I can come on here and talk with all of you.

 

margie - February 14

stefkay: i remember you from the first trimester board and your situation is pretty much EXACTLY like mine so much its scary....as a matter of fact, when I read that you had a miscarriage I had a kind of bad feeling about mine because we were having so much the same things from the beginning...including the first ultrasound they told me i was 4 weeks when i knew that was wrong because i tested postive on a hpt 2 weeks before that. i guess we both kind of had a "feeling" about it from that time going on huh? But you have to keep hope until it actually happens...I just thought that at 10 weeks I was so close to the second trimester that I was going to make it...but it was always measuring behind and this last time they said it was measuring 8 weeks and had no hb anymore...

 

stefkay - February 14

margie, I'm glad to hear you are feeling a bit better. It does get much easier after the waiting and the actual m/c is over. I really started to feel much better after my hcg was at 0. I wonder how much of it had to do with the hormones? I never wanted to come to this m/c forum--wouldn't even look at it when pg because I thought I'd "jinx" myself...lol, but I am so glad I found it because I realize I am so not alone. I couldn't find this support anywhere else. Was this your first m/c? Just wondering if the dr was going to do any testing, etc. I'm one of those types that just has to have answers, and I don't know why, but I don't like wondering. If it is your first, they are pretty common, I've had a few, so I'm not too positive about the future just yet :-) I just gotta keep the faith....{hugs} Stef

 

DUESEPTEMBER28TH - February 14

I'M SORRY MARGIE AND THE REST OF THE GIRLS, I'VE NEVER CRIED SO MUCH TO READ A FORUM LIKE THIS. I REMINDS ME THE THE HEARTACHE I ALSO HAD BACK IN AUGUST. NOW BEING EIGHT WEEKS ALONG I AM SCARED FOR EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING. I CAN'T WRITE ANYMORE I'M TOO EMOTIONAL...SORRY...

 

margie - February 14

Stef, this is my first m/c. I just found out this afternoon that after the d&c while I was still asleep the doctor told my boyfriend that the baby didn't look quite normal when it came out, he didn't tell me if the doctor said anymore details other than that. he didn't want to tell me because he thought that it would upset me, but it actually made me feel somehow better only because i realize that there was a reason this happened...I'll ask the doctor more about it at my follow up appointment with him. DUESEPTEMBER28TH: i understand your fearfulness, i don't know how im going to get past the scared part of my next pregnancy...just have faith. it's hard because we're so emotional during pregnancy already that any fear or sadness that we have is just so hard to deal with. the ladies on the first trimester forum are all so nice and really helpful with any questions or fears you have, and a lot of them have been through m/c before and have fears as well, you are certainly not alone...

 

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