I Have To Terminate My Pregnancy And Feel Horrible About It

27 Replies
Tara - November 24

I have been on here since June 2005 when I lost a baby at 12 weeks. I got pregnant again and currently 18.5 weeks and thought I was having an healthy baby and yesterday I got horrible news. My baby girl might have Turners Syndrome and has a zero percent chance of survival past term. My little sweetie has cystic hygroma and fetal hydrops fluid in her brain, heart and under her skin which the doctors say there is no possible way that she can survive after term. I rented a doppler and listen to her heartbeat everyday since she was 10 weeks and its such a beautiful sound. I feel her kicking me (stronger then most women would for 18 weeks because she has very little amniotic fluid) I can feel her moving as I write this and it just breaks my heart. I am at risk also because the swelling in her placenta is causeing my blood pressure to rise and will continue and I was told that if I carry her any longer I could die. I have a 2 year old and a 4year old who really need me. On Friday I will be induced and my little girl will die in my arms. I feel so bad because terminating a pregnancy is against my beliefs. I hope that god will forgive me as I cant see any other safer way to do this. I will get time to hold her and take pictures and foot prints and hand prints. She will have an autopsy done and I will bury her with my husband mom that was killed in a car accident 14 years ago. When my baby dies Im afraid I wont be able to forgive myself and a part of me will die that day. I wish it were me I would trade her places, but I have two very beautiful children that need thier mommy. I feel so awful, please no rude comments as I am going through so much and could not handle anymore guilt about my decision.If there was any chance of her survival I would risk my health for it, but she wont have any chance of survival. I need lots of prayers for Friday as it will be the hardest day of my life.

 

mani - November 24

Tara All my sympathies and prayers are you. you dont have to feel guilty or bad . things are not in your hand and this perhaps is the best for you and that little girl whi will love ever in your heart and then above as an angel.you will never forget her but life goes on. my mom had a baby 45 years ago who lived for 3 days and can u imagine my parents still pray for him and talk about him @ times. please take care of yourself because your other kids need you. all my love,.. mani

 

V - November 24

Tara... I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. You are definitely doing the right thing, but I'm sure that doesn't make it any easier to have to go through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you...

 

*Susan* - November 24

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I recently had a miscarriage at six weeks and it was the hardest time of my life. You need to be strong for your children, but you also need to show them the emotions you are feeling.

 

Tara - November 25

I went to a church and talked to a pastor who is pro life and he feels by me giving birth that it will be gods decision to take the baby.I phoned the doctors again and asked what will happen if I carry to term or let the baby die in my uterus and the doctor said that I could die and become really sick. The placenta is swelling and putting toxins in my blood and will get worse. In 3 weeks I could become very sick and the doctor said she has 3 ladies that are really sick already and 1 they nearly lost. She says if this baby had any chance then she would recommend I take the risk, but it has no chance. tomorrow will be hard so I am writing this tonite. I dont know how I will handle this tomorrow. Im so sorry about your losses and will be praying for healthy future babies and healing for all of us.

 

Pam - November 25

Tara, I am so sorry. I know there's nothing any of us can say, but please know that people who do not even know you are thinking of you, your family and your baby. You are making the best decision you can and you are right, you need to be there for your children. Please be strong and know you are in our prayers.

 

Annette - November 25

Your baby didn´t come to the world in vain. For 18 weeks she had your love and care and she will look after you from heaven. God has a reason for everything, even when He takes some time before sharing it with us. My prayers are with you and your family.

 

Lilu - November 25

OH MY... you are in my thoughts and prayers. You're doing what's right for your health. I'm sorry to go thru this. GOD BLESS you. He will forgive you. Your doing what's right for your 2 young child. You're right they need you.

 

Jen - November 26

Tara. I am very sorry for what you are going through. I have often wondered what I would do if I were in that situation. I've been told that God never gives us more than we can handle and I believe that what the pastor told you makes sense. Tara I feel the same way you do about the situation and I will pray for you. God Bless you.

 

Elly - November 26

Tara - i am so sorry, my baby died in my womb at 17 weeks, thankfull he died before i had to make that decision. i have thought many times about what i would have done and sadly i would be doing the same thing you are. you must not feel guilty as she had a 0% chance of survival, its better for you now than at full term emotionally and phyically, and as your a mum already you can't risk your life. there will always be a special place in your heart for her and you will think of her often as its only natural. i wish you a fast recovery and lots of love. (an angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth, and as she closed the book she whispered " To Beautiful For Earth")

 

Alison - November 26

Oh Tara I don't know what to say I am so so sorry I really am. I cannot imagine the pain of your situation I can't even begin to. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Today is Saturday-I wish I could take your pain away I really do. Lots of love xxx

 

Tara - November 26

Thankyou for all your prayers and kind words. I gave birth to my daughter Treya on November 26 at 2:08 amand a log and hard labour. My beautiful princess was alive right up until delivery. She has my nose my daughter and moms hands and my sons face shape. We tried to make it very special and treated it as if we had a live baby. My husband acted like a proud father and took lots of pictures. We dressed her in a little tiny outfit got her hand and foot prints and wrapped her in blankets and held her. She had alot of swelling and when I seen her I knew the decision we made was the best. We got a pastor to bless her and let our daughter and son see her. I dreamt of so much for her and the things we would do together the birthdays and holidays with her and now there gone. mommy and daddy loved our sweet girl and know that she is in a better place in heaven where she will suffer no pain. Im so glad I got to feel her growing in me for those 18.5 weeks .My little girl appeared to have Turners Syndrome. I hope we all heal from these losses . You are all wonderful women and I thankyou for your kind words and prayers.

 

Alison - November 26

Oh Tara honey I am praying for you and your lovely family. Your little princess was so loved and cherished. She will always be a special part of your family. As I said I cannot even begin to imagine what you have gone through and are going through. I have had 3 miscarriages in the 1st trimester-but to go through what you just have-I can't even imagine I am just so very sorry for your loss. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers xxx

 

Gina - November 27

Tara, You must know and decide RIGHT NOW that you have nothing to be guilty about and that part of you WILL NOT die when your beautiful baby pa__ses away. Your beautiful spirit will continue on to love and have a divine relationship with the two children you already have. I know in my heart you have a choice in how you come through this awful time. My baby recently died at 22 weeks and everyday I have to re-commit to living my life fully and honoring the lessons she came here to teach me. Anything less would be letting her down. Please know your little babies spirit came into this world with a mission and a gift to give you and she has completed that task. Now you can liberate her spirit and know you will always carry her heart inside you. Tara, you are in my prayers.

 

Heather - November 29

Hello Tara, I'm so sorry i now how you feel the same thing happened to me, the Turner Syndrome and the Cystic hygroma in July we were told it didn't look good this was 14 week into the pg 3 weeks later we had to make a decision of weather to terminate or not when we went for the scan to see how she was doing i couldn't hear the heart beat then i said to the doctor there's no heart beat is there she said no and i was taken in to be induced she was 17 week. The disition was taken out of are hand which in a way i am grateful for but if i had to have made that disition it would have been the same as yours. I have already lose to an ectopic pg last year and i have no children its been over 4 months now and we are ttc again. Its the hardest thing Ive ever been through as you will now. Take care of yourself.

 

Amy - November 29

Tara as i read this my heart totally BREAKS for you stay strong your in my thoughts

 

Tara - November 29

Thanks for everyones kind words! Its been such a hard time for me and sometimes wish I would have taken the risk and let her die onside of me. Amnio results say 100% Turners Syndrome and the chances of happening again are 1 %, but I still want my husband and I to get genetic testing, because two loses since June are too many. Heather, Im so glad that you responded, its so hard finding someone that had a daughter that had Turners Syndrome.I wish you the very best on ttc, I really wish I could be at that stage. My husband doesent want to ever have any more kids and it just breaks my heart. Im not ready right now and Im afraid that if I tried too soon I would just want Treya back and Im not going to get her back. My husband and I used to have a wonderful relationship and since this its been awful. I think were both so mad that this has happened to a baby we wanted and loved so much. I hope the days get easier for us. We have had a lot of support from our church family and friends and we will be joining a local support group for parents that have lost thier babies. I need lots of prayers for our family and hope that someday I can enjoy another pregnancy and be able to enjoy b___st feeding and those sleepless nights with baby that I actually miss so much right now.

 

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