I Just Need To Talk About My Miscarriage

14 Replies
rachelfison - April 21

I am 24, married(5yrs),and have two wonderful boys(7&3). My dh and i were not ttc but not preventing it either so it was not a big shock when we found out we were pregnant. we were so excited,we told everyone including our children. the baby was dubed mystery baby by my boys. i had not yet seen an ob for my pregnancy because my fp does not do any ob care what so ever so i was in the process of getting a referal. on 4/12 i started spotting i tried not to panic but had never had any spotting with my other children.i went to the ER my pelvic exam showed my cervix was closed only a few drops of blood my hcg was 1700 normal for 5 weeks and my ultra sound to my suprise at only 5wks 4days showed what seemed to be a healthy baby heart beat was 109 everything looked normal. great i was hopeful everything would be fine. On 4/14 i returned to the ER because my bleeding and cramping increased pelvic showed cervix still closed but my hcg only increased to 1900 of course the dr couldn't say for sure but looked like i was having a miscarriage.after much crying and pleading to God I acceped my baby fate. of course secretly i kept on praying that everthing would be ok. on 4/18 i passed a huge piece of what we will just call "tissue" scared heart broken not sure what to do i called out local ask a nurse ph# she said to bring the "tissue" to the ER i did and everthing was confirmed hcg 675 ultra sound showed no sack or anything except some tissue on my uterus wall. the next day i went out got a plant called the bleeding heart and planted it in memory of the mystery baby that will remain a mystery. anyone out there that can offer me some encouragement and support???

 

buffy2297 - April 21

RACHEL, lsorry to hear about you loss but you have sertainly come to the right place. there are some great women here who will offer you some great advice. They have me and they've also kept me sane! Like you most women on here have gone though pretty much the same. I am also one on the many hundreds/ thousands of women who have to suffered the bereavement of losing a baby. I went for a scan at 9 weeks and was told my baby had no heart beat and had died at 7 weeks. My whole world caming crashing down around me. I've never felt such heartache. I have no children to speak of and this would have been my first. Over the next few weeks people will ether avoid you in fear of saying something wrong or say the wrong thing. Unsensative things such as "there must of been something wrong!" "Better now than later on!" "God's way of sifting the good from the bad!" All these comments were made by people I loved and cared for. Just remember they are not saying these things to hurt you they actually think they are helping. I had a second m/c when I was just 5 weeks gone my Mum who I love and trust said "Well it wasn't really a miscarriage was it you were only 5 weeks!!" One of the most cutting coming form my MUM! So what I'm trying to say is expect to hear stupid comments like that. Trust me when I say it does get easier. You will never forget but the pain does subside. Your DH may also not feel the loss that you are feeling again this is not his fault. It's just he didn't have to carry the baby and feel it grow sometimes they just don't understand and whilst they have suffered a loss. They may not understand the full impact that it will have had on you. So don't blame him if he doesn't understand. He maybe completely understand and be really supportive. Don't think you are going mad when you find yourself being angry at other women for being pregnant even those close to you. This unfortunately is part of the grieving process I still feel that now and probably will until I get the baby I so long for. I'm not sure that my rambling on has helped but I thought I'd offer you some advice on what kind of things to expect. Will you be trying again? Take care . Gini

 

rachelfison - April 21

Thank you,for your support. I am so sorry for both of your losses. i just got an invite for a baby shower of a friend of mine. Not a close friend. but the thought of going jsut brings tears to my eyes i don't know if i can handle it yet althought i am happy fo rher and her dh. i just dont think i could keep myself from crying. anyway Yes i do think that we will try try again but its to soon to start trying i am still bleeding from this miscarriage. again thank you for your support i think it is great that there is a place where i can talk with people that have gone through the same emotions as i am now feeling.

 

buffy2297 - April 21

RACHEL I can understand not wanting to go to the baby shower. I only went to a afternoon 40th birthday party 2 days after I m/c the second on. I was a wreck there were loads of children there and babies one started crying and that was it the flood gates opened. Embarra__sed to say the least as no one there new I'd M/C'd they all thought I was drunk. Well I was by the end of the night let me tell you.

 

parkermegan - April 21

reading your post really brough back memories for me! I just m/c in Jan. And it was so hard. There is nothing really I can say accept that I know how you feel and it is just so heartbreaking. I thought I would never get over it and would just lay on my couch and cry everyday forever. But, now 3 months later we are ttc again. I am 3dpo and am hoping this is the month. I think doing something to remember the baby is great. My husband had be a necklace engraved that said "Baby Parker" I wear it when I am feeling down about my m.c. Planting something is a great idea. It is so hard, and the pain will never go away...but it will get better in a way. You will learn to accept it and have closure. You talked about God, and for me He was the only thing that got me through. I prayed everything was Ok probably even after the m/c, it just felt like a dream. God is always on time....and even though I still don't understand why this happened to me, I know God has a great plan for my life and this was a part of it. Maybe through this you can see how VERY important your children are...not that you don't already love them. It brought me and my DH so much closer. I am 19 and DH is 21 we have been married for about a year and a half. It was our first child together. I pray that God helps to heal your heart.

 

lil - April 24

Hello there, my heart goes out to you. I miscarried naturally 3 days ago and like you I pa__sed a huge lump which I coulcdn't help examining, It was approx 4" by 1" and imensely scarey as nobody had warned me of this, I was told I would have a heavy period with loss of some placental tissue, I also contacted a midwife who was very rea__surring but it was a terrible experience - the entire thing was so similar to labour with cramps and pain increasing until this thing was expelled. Like you I already have 2 wonderful children and fell pregnant unplanned and once I got over the shock was so happy excited and proud to tell everybody including my children. I understand that mc is a woman's way of letting go if everything is not quite right but in a short space of time I feel that I have been on a rollercoaster - and what was it all for? Strangley enough I think I had sympyoms like baby blues yesterday feeling extremely emotional I couldn't stop crying. I find myself questioning whether we should try again which I would never have even considered if this hadn't happened. Falling pregnant and imagining family life with a additonal child would have changed our lives so much and I began to see the benefits for everybody, my children are huglly dissapointed and I am so sad that this special baby came to us to change our lives! Best wishes to you and all your family

 

JuJu - April 24

Dear Rachel, it's so heartbreaking, isn't it??!! I have had 2 m/c's this year, and I can honestly say it has been by far the most difficult period of my life. 6 weeks have pa__sed since I last miscarried, and although each day is (generally!) better than the last, I still have moments when it's hard not to scream 'why me??!!'. It's hard, but when I feel like this I make a big effort to pull myself out of the 'blues'....because I know that the longer I take to get positive and get my life back on track, the longer it will take to have another baby. I think your idea of buying a plant is beautiful. Miscarriage is such a personal thing, but personally I believe that it is a good thing to acknowledge and rembember the past - but I also believe in the importance of moving on. I will never ever forget my lost babies, but for the sake of my future baby, I have to look toward the future with hope and faith. {{Hugs}}

 

terrie - April 24

I'm sorry to hear about all your losses. Its so awful that we must all go through this. I wish it was as easy for us as it appears to be for most. You get pregnant and have a baby 9 months later. I had a D&C June 2005 for a blighted ovum. It was extremely heart-braking, as you all know. I had been married almost a year, and it was going to be our first baby. (My dh has a child of his own that will be 7 this year. ) Then in Aug. 2005, I had a natural miscarriage at 5 weeks. Even my DH doesn't count it as being a pregnancy, but I do. Of course, I was much more attached to the 1st one which i carried for 8 weeks. I still haven't completely gotten over it especially since a coworker of mine and I got pregnant at the same time. She already had 2 of her own, and that one was an accident. She cried b/c she didn't want it, and i cried b/c I lost mine. She loves her baby now, and all I see when I see him is how old mine would have been. Mother's day is approaching and I'm not a mom yet. After my 2nd m/c, my dr. put me on clomid b/c my periods were so irregular and there was a possibility that I was not ovulating. Well, I've been through 4 cycles, no luck. I only have 2 left. Its hard every month to get my period. I cry everytime. I ask why. I pray for a blessing, but maybe I need to learn patience. I don't know. No one around here seems to understand. My mother-in-law thinks I'm nuts. She warns me of people who want babies so bad that they have pseudopregnancies. She thinks I'll make myself think I'm pregnant when I'm not. The 1st time I got pg, we had tried only once. Its so frustrating that after 4 rounds on clomid, nothing happens. It should have been much easier. I think I cant get pg b/c I'm stressed. I've read that stress can hurt your chances, but how do i stop stressing about it, and thinking about. My dh thinks its so easy. I wish it was. Well, I think I've talked your ears off. These forums are the only places that I feel truly understood. Its my therapy , my release. I'll be praying for us all to be blessed with healthy babies soon.

 

jonsmom - April 25

I, too, just went through a miscarriage and find myself desperate to find a way to deal with it. I ,too, have another child and was surprised to find out I was pregnant. This is my second miscarriage and have found that both times have been equally emotionally crippling. I think you have taken a very important step by planting something in rememberance of your lost child. It is important to recognize that loss. So many people, although they believe they are being helpful, encourage me to "move on", "get on with life", and "love what you have". What they don't always realize is that a m/c is a loss. We need to grieve just as we would with any other loss. I don't know that I will ever try again, as I feel like I am not sure I could handle yet another loss. Bottom line, regardless of what I decide to do, I have to give myslef time to heal my way ( which is with the help of a trusted counselor). I'll know if I want to try again, but right now I just need a break. Do what works for you--you must take care of yourself so that you may also take care of your family. You are so in my prayers. Please continue to find support in these chat forums. With my first loss, chatting with people who understood what I was feeling was a godsend. I had hoped I would never have to do this again, but here I am. You will make it through, you will have good days and bad, but understand that somehow you will find a way to cope.

 

alexandra33 - April 26

Rachael- I am so sorry for your loss. No one can ever be prepared for the pain of such a huge loss, whether you already have kids or not. You seem like a very strong woman and I know that if you decide to ttc again, you will have success eventually. Time is the main ingredient-for conceiving and for healing both. I m/c'd on Valentines day of 06 at 12 weeks and still cry whenever I see my pregnant friends etc..., but I feel better- a LOT better than the first month. Time heals. This site is a saving grace. All the women are so nice, caring and informed. I have learned a LOT about fertility and pregnancy from reading here. I feel confident I will get pg again b/c I know how to time myself based on my chart- so I will have more success than if I was just guessing like before. Having a m/c brought me here. There are other positives as well. It brought my family closer to my BF and I. They came over a lot more and got to see a side of BF they never knew- patient, strong, supportive, rational, caring! They did not love him b4 cuz he is from a dif race- now they do! It also made me realize how careful I have to be in the first 3 months. I am not sure why we lost it, but I was really stressed and overworking myself . I also partied a lot b4 I knew. I do not blame myself- but I have already changed my lifestyle incase I gp again. It helps me to try to see these positives. How are you doing today?

 

JuJu - April 26

Terrie; first of all; you are not nuts!!! I am sorry to hear that you don't have the level of emotional support that you should have in you family - however you do have it here! I don't mean to be disrespectful toward your mother-in-law, but she doen's sound tactful - or supportive! It's probably a good idea to keep her 'out of the loop' for a while - don't give her information about your situation if she's not using it to be helpful. That sounded more blunt than I intended (!!) - I just mean that some people just aren't able to be supportive in the way that we want them to be. My MIL is the same, although I know she cares about our situation. Re: your ttc; are you also doing a bbt chart so you can pinpoint exactly when you're ovulating? My friend was also on clomid (without it she finds it very difficult to conceive) and she used a BBT chart to conceive with both of her babies. I have also used it before - and it's definitely very helpful! Probably tmi (!) but a___lysing your cervical mucus is a great way to figure out when ovulation is getting close.

 

terrie - April 27

JuJu, thanks for the support. I'm glad that I have the support and understanding here. You're right about keeping my mother-in-law out of the loop. I know she's rooting for us, but she doesn't understand the desperation.

 

rachelfison - April 28

i am sorry i havent posted in a while. I have been busy with my son's birthday. I am still on a emotional roller coaster. I have stopped crying so much. I think I am strange b/c there is something holding me back from having s_x with my dh, I am not even sure why. I am not sure if its b/c i feel like I am betraying my baby by trying to ttc I dont know if its fear if getting pregnant again and having another m/c or if i am depressed. Has anyone else experienced this? How did you get through it. I can relate to alot of your expirences. I too am in a interacial relationship, my mother-in-law can seem insensitive as well. I have to hear about how SHE had a m/c when she was younger and I feel sometimes that she compaires our m/c's and tries to tell me how I should feel or what I should do, or what I should be expirencing. Also my best friend has had a m/c about 2 and 1/2 years ago. It hardly seemed to bother her at all. Although she is a good friend I sometimes feel kinda silly when I am expressing the pain of my m/c around her. Not that she has said anything to seem unsupportive. When I expressed how silly I've felt she said "i am just more of an emotional person then she is" which is true. I guess whats tearing me up is the first time in the hospital when i saw my baby's heart beating, I got so excited. I really thought at that point everything would be ok. Especally since its rare to see the baby's heart beat at 5wks and they say that the chances of having a m/c after seeing a healthy fetus and a strong heartbeat is less then 10% and the nurse rea__sured me, promised me that everything was going to be fine. I guess its enough of me rambling on... thx for all your support ((hugs))

 

rastlin - April 28

im sorry to hear of all your loss keep your chin up.dont give up remember God is on your side my thoughts are with u

 

terrie - April 28

rachelfison, we are here for you and we all understand. I know the feeling of not being understood. That's why its nice to have forums like this with woman who are experiencing the same things at the same time with you. They, too feel the deep yearning for a child and pain from losses that others may not understand. I have friends that try to help, but can't. They have their kids and have no problems getting pg. They try to prevent it b/c its so easy. But just hang in there soon we will all be posting with news of a pregnancy. Just wait and see. Don't give up hope. Thats all we have.

 

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