I Lost My Little Boy

46 Replies
lovely bee - September 8

This is so hard for me to write, i was 24 weeks along last monday when i went into preterm labour and it all happened so fast that i couldn't grasp it, but my little alexander was born but he didn't make it. I ache all over and i can't stop crying for the things that will never be, I only got to hold him for a few hours but then he was already gone. He looked just like his daddy, and i can't believe he is gone. I had no warning everything was going perfect, every ultrasound, every checkup, i have no health problems and did everything right, and yet this still happened, the doctors do not know why and they tell me not to blame myself sometimes these things happen for unknown reasons. If i can't blame myself then who can i, i was his mother it was my job to make sure i took care of him and i let him down. I am so sad, and so lost i don't feel i can ever get over this. If the lord blesses me with another child, will i ever get over the guilt of feeling joy for a new baby, what if the same thing happens again, the doctor says it will be very rare and most 2nd pregnancys are very successful, still i worry. please share your stories with me and if you ever got over your grief, guilt and loss and if you ever felt happiness again because right now i don't see the light at the end of the tunnel and i don't know how i can go on. I am only 29 and this was my first.

 

Jessica - September 8

Oh lovely bee- I'm so sorry to hear about your loss....I m/c at 10 weeks and I still feel the pain of not being able to hold my baby....I can imagine the pain you must be feeling right now...I dont think that you should feel guilty about having another or wanting another...But please one thing is dont blame yourself....You didnt do anything wrong....I did that in the beginning and my doctor told me that it's not my fault....I will tell you one thing is that you are at the right place...The woman on this site have been so helpful in sharing their experiences and just being there to talk to and relate with....Try and stay positive no matter how negative the situation, it's easier said than done but it does help.....

 

Lovely bee - September 8

Thank you jessica, i know time will heal and i won't ever forget my little guy i am just scared to loose again i know there are no guarantees in life, but i am scared none the less. If the doctors don't put me on bed rest i know for sure i will put myself on bed rest , it's the only thing i can think of.

 

Jessica - September 8

Lovely Bee - i know exactly what you mean...I'm ttc as we speak and it's like if I do get a + I dont know if I'll be as happy as I was the first time it happened just because of the fear of what if it happens again. I stayed in bed for a little while but I had to go back to work...That helped but it also gave me too much time to think and blame myself so even though that's how you may be feeling you should still try and keep busy so that you dont fall into a deep depression....

 

Alison - September 8

Oh lovely bee I just wanted to tell you how very sorry I am to read of the loss of your precious little boy-I am so heartbroken to read of what you have been through. I have had 3 miscarriages but I cannot imagine what you have been through losing your baby at 24 weeks. Please know my thoughts & prayers are with you. I wish you continuing healing and strength and that you will be blessed in the future. Take care xxx

 

Lynne - September 9

I know exactly what you are going through. My little Luke died on 08/31. I was 24 weeks pregnant and all had gone just fine. All my prenatal check ups were perfect and the ultrasound showed my cervix was good and thick. I had this ultrasound at 21 weeks. about 3 weeks later I woke up one morning with bleeding and rushed to the hospital. I was dialated 6 cm's. An emergency cerclage was performed and was successful. I was in the hospital on bedrest for 3 days. My contracions had stopped and was to be discharged home on bedrest when on the 4th day I started having contractions. My water broke and I was transported via ambulance to Fort Sanders Regional in Knoxville which has an underground tunnel that connects to Children's Hospital. My Luke was delivered via vertical c section that day (July 19, 2005 @ 12:43 pm). Luke weighed 1lb 12 3/4 oz and looked wonderful. He went to Children's hospital where he was thriving. He was getting up to 8cc's of my b___stmile (via pump) each hour. Luke had been there for 5 weeks when he developed a condition called NEC. It ravaged his little body but he was a fighter and after a week we my husband and I were told he was making a turn for the better. We breathed a sigh of relief. On Wed 08/31 we were called to the hospital and were told Luke had gotten worse during the night and would not make it. He died that afternoon in my arms. This is a terrible thing to try and deal with but I am trying my best. I understand your feelings wholeheartedly and sympathize with you. My husband and I are already thinking about our next baby and hope that it may help with the sense of empitiness that our lives have now. I will be thinking of you and yours, God Bless You. Lynne

 

lovely bee - September 9

I am sorry for all your ladies loss as well, i know none of us knew any of this was going to happen, we always want the best especially for our little ones. Lynne, did the dr find out why you went into preterm labour, i go for a check up on the 7th of oct. My labour was so fast, on that sad day all i knew was that i woke with subtle pain and pressure but that stopped around noon, then around 3 pm it got really bad to the point i couldn't sit or lie down, and then i knew something was really wrong, i had no bleeding not even one drop. We went to the er and that was when the doctors told me i was 4cm and rushed me to the neonatal center, on the way my water broke, when i got to the center i was a full 10cm, that was only 10 minutes max later and i had to push, he was born breech and not breathing i was so sad, and the docs gave him less than 1 percent chance of living, he made it a few hours and those few hours meant the world to my husband and me, and my family. I just don't know how i can go on i have no other children to be strong for, i live for the hope of another child but that is mixed with joy and guilt , i just want my little alexander back, my arms ache for him and my heart feels like it is split in two, its a wonder that it is still beating. My b___st are sore and full of milk but he is not here for me to feed and take care of him, i am still having twinges in my stomach like my little guy is still inside me kicking, it makes me cry all the time. I feel like i am slipping into a deep depression and the days pa__s so slow. I know you ladies feel the same pain and that makes it all so much sadder these should be happy days for us...

 

crisy - September 9

Hi lovely bee. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Reading your post has brought tears to my eyes. I wish that I could take your pain away. I felt lost like you when I lost my baby. I was 7.5 weeks pregnant and people expected me to be over it as if nothing happened. I felt very numb. I blamed myself and I cried all the time. It was my first pregnancy too. What you are going through right now is devastating and I am crying with you for your little boy. I pray the Lord to ease your pain and please know that IT'S NOT your fault that you lost your precious little one. I lost my baby in April and I still cry and think of my little one. It will always be my first child although his or her life was very short. The worry of having a successful pregnancy is always present with me. What helps me is praying and hoping that one day God will grant me my wish of holding a little sweetheart in my arms. I am sending you my prayers and my deepest condoleances during this difficult time. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Take care.

 

Val - September 9

Lovely bee and Lynne... I'm so sad for you both, I don't even know what to say. I have tears running down my cheeks right now after reading your posts. I know what you mean about being scared for the next time... I think that all we can do is try to hope for the best and search deep inside ourselves for the strength to go on... I know it's there, we just need time to grieve and heal. I'm sending you hugs and blessings...

 

Ca__sie - September 9

When it seems like all is dark and all you feel is grief, a blessing comes in the form of support from other women. Know you are not alone. It is ok to be sad and to mourn. You have every right to. Life is precious and it is not easy to let go, however "weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." Ps. 30:5. The darkness will lift and light will filter into your lives again. It will... in whatever ways God sees fit. You are strong women for having to deal with this. In time, I'm sure your stories will help heal the hurt of others as well. Just remember, at the end of a storm is a golden sky.

 

liza - September 11

hi sis.... i can understand u , i lost my son on 3 sep 2005, he was just 6 and half month , a premature baby.... i dont know how to live such a long life ahead... all happened coz of me only.. this guilt feeling is killing me... but these all are the pains in a woman,s life...... take care

 

Lynne - September 12

The only explanation I was given was an incompetent cervix. For all future pregnancies I will always have a c section. I was cut in the "old fashioned" manner (vertical). I will also have a cerclage at 12-14 weeks. I am not the type of person who takes medication however, under these circ_mstances I am going to speak with my physician wed (post partum check up) about medication to help and question her regarding the length of time to wait before we ttc again. I just turned 30 on 08/29 and I do want to have a child. Nothing can replace Luke. He looked just like his dad in all areas but his nose, mouth and eyebrows. Those he got from me. He was absolutely beautiful. Regarding your b___sts, put cold compresses on them and take tylenol or advil for the pain a__sociated. I was having to pump every 2 hours for Luke so I completely understand ALL of your pain. Please try to keep yourself busy and try to not think about it so much. I have been getting my house in order and concentrating on other things to get by. If you think of nothing else then you will make yourself even sicker. Just think about how much you will love your next child. Nothing can replace him, but you will give the next one twice the love and you will appreciate the pregnancy even more. Your next pregnancy will be different. You will be a high risk patient and will probably see the doctor each and every week and that will rea__sure you. I did not realize how much I wanted to be a mom. One thing I did learn was the love of a mother and what is most important in life. I do plan to do volunteer work at Children's Hospital eventually. It was sad to hear of stories where babies were abandoned by drug dependant mothers and they need volunteers for rocking those children and other tasks. Please let me know how you are doing. Lynne

 

lovely bee - September 12

Hi Lynne, today is a little better it's still quite hard but i know time will heal. Sometimes i feel really bad especially when i go out and see other babies, and i feel angry because i think why them and not me, then i feel guilty because the rational side of me says of course those women deserve to have their babies, i just sigh and try to go on. I don't know why i went into labour was there supposed to be signs for an incompetant cervix? I mean is that something that they should have picked up on the ultra sounds? I didn't have any bleeding throughout this pregnancy, just on and off cramps, like menstrual cramps but my doctor says that is normal just stretching and stuff, as long as there was no blood than i had nothing to worry about. If i do get pregnant again it will be a relief to be checked for every week, and i will have transv____al ultrasounds to check the cervix, are the chances good for a healthy pregnancy with an incompetant cervix? I wish you all the best and sorry for your families loss. I never knew there were so many women suffering through the same thing, but one thing you said is true we will appreciate our future pregancies all that much more and we can tell the children all about their big brother and what a fighter he was and that he will always look out for them , each family member is like a chain link together, only god will call each one of us back to him one link at a time, and he will be the one to link us all back together and make us strong again. Please keep in touch we will support each other and next year we will exchange photos of our precious one instead of sad stories.

 

Lynne - September 12

I was told that doctors don't know you have an incompetent cervix until you are at least 20 weeks. This is because the baby starts to put on "baby fat" and then the cervix is under more pressure due to the weight. I was twenty four weeks pregnant with Luke. I did some research on incompetent cervix and they are quite common and the cerclage procedure (st_tching of the cervix for extra support) are quite common as well. I did have more discharge that usual and asked my doctor and she said that it was very common. I did have bleeding. I went to bed around 11:30pm and at 12:45 am I woke up went to the bathroom and had a red mucus looking substance running down my leg. I also wonder why it wasn't detected on the ultrasound. I had my ultrasound at 21 weeks and the cervix was nice and thick. My doctor did not perform ultrasounds at every visit, I think they should. But at the time we had no way of knowing this was going to happen. As I understand it, women with an incompetent cervix normally lose their first baby so I was lucky that he lasted as long as he did in utero. Luke was thriving but developed an infection while in the NICU. I just know that for me, I will considered a high risk patient and will be seeing a group of high risk physicians in Knoxville. Please make sure you do the same thing in your are. Find high risk doctors for the next pregnancy and don't ignore any problems you may have. If you start having more discharge, ask for an ultrasound. Was yours born via c section or v____al delivery?

 

lovely bee - September 12

To Lynne, my little alexander was a v____al delivery very quick and funny thing is i didn't find it all that painful, i think i was in shock. I am definiately going to consult a speicalist for high risk pregnancies, I live in canada, my area has really great doctors and i must say if it wasn't for the support of all the doctors and nurses there i don't think i would have healed physically as fast as i have, they were great. Are you still taking your pre natal vitamins, is it ok to you know in order to keep your body ready for the next pregnancy or am i doing more harm than good? how are all you other ladies doing out there, why is life so hard all of a sudden? :(

 

Cori - September 14

Good evening ladies! I am so sorry to hear about the loss of everyone's precious babies. I am the mother of a 2 year old son and I can't imagine my life without him. I also just suffered a miscarriage last week, that is why I am on this sight. I just want to say that you ARE mothers, we all are who have lost and there is nothing better than holding your baby, so always keep those moments that you had in your heart and look forward to the future and the pitter-patter of little feet in your lives! Please don't blame yourself for something you had no control over. Are bodies are only human. There is a huge healing power in forgiveness.

 

Crystal - September 18

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. I just found this site and think that its great to have a place to go. I lost a Chance who was born at 26 weeks in 1999. I was devistated. We had just ordered his bedrrom furniture, and 3 days later, he was gone. We did have another baby in 2002. He was born at 31 weeks, but is perfectly healthy. Unfortunately, I think I am starting to M/C a pregnancy I just found out about... You never forget, but it does get easier. I had to make the decision to take my son off of life support. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life. I felt the same way that you do. I remember thinking, that I had let my baby down, that he had depended on me, and I had failed him. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

 

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