In Need Of Some Help

5 Replies
hailey07 - January 19

Well I already posted a question earlier detailing my story but long story short: first pregnancy, first miscarriage. I'm sinking. I feel like I have so much unwanted, negative energy that I just want to jump out of my own skin. All of this energy comes from anger, frustration, isolation, despair, and just feeling empty. I feel like I could do 1000 laps in the pool without stopping or just scream until theres no more breath left. All I have ever been certain about in life is that I want to be a mother. This pregnancy wasn't planned by any means but I forced myself to accept it and embrace it. Suddenly it was taken away from me just as I started to realize that it was actually what I wanted. Not something that I was just dealing with, but something that I wanted. Now my life has been turned upside down and I have no idea what direction to look. It will be another few years before my boyfriend and I will be married and trying for children. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. Not to mention the anxiety that I feel about whether or not I will have another MC, and to be honest, I don't want this again for my boyfriend. I know how much he has always wanted children of his own, and I couldn't bare not to be able to give that to him. I can't believe I'm saying this but I feel as of he would be better off without the risk that I may again miscarry one of his children. I feel like I should let him find someone who he will definitely be able to have children and be happy with. I am so afraid that once the time comes around for us to become engaged, he will remember this and decide that it's not worth the risk. Of course, he thinks I;m absolutely insane for even thinking such a thing, but I can't help but fear time. Time changes people, people grow apart and all that my boyfriend and I have is time, just time to kill and time to either grow together or apart. I just feel like my abilities as a woman are tainted, and that maybe I am someone who will not be able to carry a child ever. I miss the feeling of knowing that I am pregnant. I miss making plans with my boyfriend to move closer to home to be by our families. I actually miss worrying about how we were going to deal with moving, the baby, jobs, etc. As crazy as it sounds, I miss the life that I was going to have. Yes we would have struggled for a few years until we got steadily on our feet, but we would have had a baby to protect, love, worry about, and care for. It would have been worth it for our child. Now there is no child to think about, only anger to deal with and faith to be tested. I just don't feel like I am going to make it out of this in one piece, I am just hanging on by a thread. No one understands. I wish I could speak with my mother, but she feels that life goes on and I should get over it and go back to business, and of course my boyfriend is being supportive but he just can't grasp the frustration I feel when he acts like it's all going to be okay. I dont't feel like it's all going to be okay. I have never experienced grief like this before. Sure you have relatives that pass away, but it is different when it's your child. I think that as women, when we see the plus sign on the pregnancy test, it becomes more than a pregnancy to us: it's a baby. To everyone else it's just a pregnancy, it's not a baby til it's in the crib. I miss the idea of my baby. I miss looking into my week by week pregnancy guise and figuring out what the baby would look like in 2 weeks. I just want to fast forward a few years and have my husband and my baby, and just know that I will be a mother. I just don't see the future in a positive way right now, just a few years filled with burden and grief.

 

DownbutnotOUT - January 19

im sorry for your loss it is so hard when one loses a baby I am very sadned to hear that your mother is being 0% supportive but pravo to your bf for being there with you to support you. I was lucky when I had my miscarriage my mother supported me 100% because she had a m/c and she knew what it was like. I know my words you have probably heard from your bf it does get better but you will always remember the little one that you have lost and I feel if you want to scream or cry do it, dont hold back let your feelings out. men cannot really grasp how it is to be the women and lose the baby its growing inside us and we do feel like something is wrong with us because the baby pa__sed and somehow it has to be our fault. I blammed myself for the longest time and cursed at the lord, i ask for forgiveness all the time for it, I was so angry and felt so tested in everything I believe. For me I already had children when I had my 1st m/s but it was so hard when i was laying in my bathtub and my older son , who want sa new brother or sister so badly, rubs my tummy and says "hi baby i love you!" I cried so hard and had to explain to my son mommy mad a mistake and she wasent really pregnant, that killed me so much, he was 4 and I couldnt bring myself to tell him the horror. I lost my baby through a missed miscarriage, I was suppose to be 11 weeks 1 day and it was the day after mothers day and the day before my first u/s the blood soaked panties appeared. I went to the ER where they did blood work and checked me out but the u/s told the nasty truth. My baby had pa__sed at 6 weeks 6 days and my body hadent recognized the baby had pa__sed so I had been carrying it around inside me for several weeks. The dr didnt want to do a D&C until I had another u/s and repeat HCG but I knew it was over. I pa__sed tha baby naturally 4 days later and was traumatized and could not stop crying for the life of me. I gave my little one a unis_x name so I could mourn properly for my baby and pray for my baby. That was in May and when December 3 came around, my due date, I tried to make the day brighter than i felt for my other children. Even though I was pregnant, and currently still am, I mourned for the baby I lost but felt guilty because I wouldnt have this new life inside me. Also I would get so mad at the drs when they referred to it as a FETUS I was like maybe it was in the fetal stages but to me it was my baby the day the sperm fertilized the egg. Before I go I want to add my cousin and sister in law both had miscarriages with there 1st baby/pregnancy. My cousin has a healthy baby boy who will be a year in june i believe and my sister-in-law is due the end of july and everything looks good. I know its hard but remember it wasent your fault and m/c happen often there is nothing wrong with you and im sure when you and bf decide to have kids you will be more than capable than having them. take care and I hope your sores heal sweety

 

stefkay - January 19

hailey I feel exactly exactly the same as you do. I think I said the same thing yesterday to a friend, that "I don't have anythng to look forward to". I can't even eat sometimes. I bought freakin maternity jeans that were so cute and should arrive any day now. My best friend bought me a nice pregnancy book that I had to stow away. I can't even take my prenatals. This is #4 for me so I think I am a little more prepared, but still not really. It will get better and you need to use this time to pull closer to your boyfriend. It's funny because my first thoughts when the dr. said she was going to start testing to find out the "whys", I didn't even a__sume it was me, I a__sumed it was HIS sperm or genetics...lol! most of the time 1st miscarriages are just what they are and you are spared from carrying to term a baby with problems and or abnormalities. I know I'm just rambling, but maybe start talking about your marriage since you two know that isn't far away (you said a couple of years?) Maybe start looking to that? I don't know...I do wish you the best of luck though.

 

stefkay - January 19

ps. I wanted to say also that it takes 2 people to create a baby so please don't beat yourself up about this!

 

hailey07 - January 19

Thank you very much. Yes it will be a few years, more like 4, until we will be married and decide to try again. So obviously this baby came at a not-so-fantastic time in our life, he is just started his career this fall and I am still in the process of completing my major (which is family studies- ironic). So I just feel like I have all this time to wait. Not to mention I really feel burdened by school, I realize it's going to take my mind off of things if only for a little bit, but I really just do not want to go back. I dred Monday afternoon because I will have to be back in "the game" as I usually am. So I just feel burdened, for some reason I didn;t have a problem putting my major on the side for a bit and now I feel like I just don't want it nor do I care anymore. ..... I'm sure that once I get rolling again I will be business as usual but right now I just can't concieve of doing anything but grieving.

 

hailey07 - January 19

Down and Stef, I'm so sorry for your losses.

 

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