List Of Things Not To Say To A Woman Who M C

14 Replies
linds99 - February 16

I found this list on a website today, as I was traumatized the last few weeks of going through my first m/c and having people say the shittiest things to me, or even worse...NOT acknowledging my loss even though I lost my baby at 8-1/2 weeks and it had a heart beat!!! I have to say I agree with the list compiled, and found peace that someone out there compiled this list. Hopefully, people who have said these things so someone who did m/c won't again...Never say these phrases: "You can always have another." (We don't want another baby, we want this baby.) "Now you have an angel looking after you." (We don't want an angel, we want our baby back. "It's for the best." (Best for whom?) "At least you didn't know your baby." (Whether you held your baby in your arms or only in your mind, this baby is real.) "There must have been something wrong..." (Wrong with me?) "Did you do something you weren't supposed to do? (Did I cause this? How could I have hurt my baby?) "I understand how you feel." (Even if you have had a miscarriage, every one feels their grief uniquely.) "Have you ever thought of not having children?" (Yes, I probably have. I realize that I may never be a mother.) "Be grateful for the children you have..." (It isn't a question of being ungrateful or not appreciating what I have.) HERE IS THE LIST OF THINGS TO SAY: "I'm sorry." "What can I do to help?" "I'm here for you."

 

ROBYN - February 16

VERY WELL SAID

 

jessieb - February 17

everything happens for a reason <------that bugged me like no other after my miscarriages.

 

sososleepy - February 17

Add 'it was meant to be' Yes, I've heard a lot of those. I am ttc, currently 21d post mc, and will NOT tell ppl at work if I ever get another bfp!!!! It was HORRIBLE going back to work. I work with a LOT of people, most of whom do not talk to each other, and I'm STILL having to explain it every day and deal with all the comments they come up with. Talk about extended h#!! This is good; I'm not crying.. must look up stages of grief somewhere and see where anger fits in. Thanks, I needed to laugh, and in an odd way I can at this because most of those same people that said twisted things were just caught with their foot in their mouth asking how I'm feeling thinking I'm still pg, and when I explain that I'm not they feel compelled to say something and (obviously) have NO IDEA what to say. I find my self consoling THEM. It does stink.

 

linds99 - February 17

I heard "You know the odds," or "Maybe youd didn't eat enough?" or "It happens to alot of women," or "You don't want a retarded baby." Seriously, people can be soooo stupid. I won't tell people in the future I am preggers again either, I plan on saying something when the baby is actually born! That is how traumatized I am by the lack of support from those around me.

 

ChattyKathy - February 18

Somewhere back in the past of the m/c board, I posted a thread called "the stupid things they say". It just amazes me how horrible people can react to such a loss. Everything from just not thinking about how your words come out to outright blaming the woman and making her cry! I really wish more people were educated about pregnancy loss. I never knew how common it was until I had one, and I'm sure if people were aware of this it would be easier for them to handle it. You'd never tell someone at a funeral "Well, its a good thing you have your other parent" RIGHT?!

 

docbytch - February 18

I recall right after my m/c last year one of my VERY PREGNANT coworkers saying "well I guess it just wasnt meant to be for you" with a sarcastic tone to boot. she never apologized for it even tho she later found out how much that comment upset me

 

Belief - February 18

You are so right! I mc in Nov. and a friend of mine, who is also expecting, smiled and said, "Well, your body just wasn't ready to carry it." IT???? I heard the heartbeat. I was devastated and found it extremely hard to be around her for a few months. I work with her so it was inevitable that I would run into her. She was a counselor for crying out loud. You certainly have my support and understanding. If you need to cry - cry, if you need to vent -vent...We're here for you.

 

sososleepy - February 18

Sharerc, the guys I work with were on the quiet side; some actually tried to hide from me to avoid a conversation for nearly a week. One is a complete toad; the rest are really decent guys and they did eventually talk to me, but half of them couldn't discuss the mc at all, ever. Your pg friend might still be your friend; if she was a good friend consider giving her another chance down the road. Since she's pg, and knows you know that, it was probably just impossible for her to find any words to say. If she hasn't had a mc, she has absolutely no idea what you're going through. She might even try to stay away from you while she's pg so as to 'not rub it in', never thinking how hurtful that will be... Just a thought; you know her, I don't. Perhaps, like that one I work with, she's just a toad. ChattyKathy, I wish I'd been more educated about pg loss; I REALLY didn't see the mc coming AT ALL. Oh, I love the funeral line; I'll share that one, it's so precise!!! It should be in a textbook (textbook? oh yeah, the missing chapter gurr)!!! Yes, if they're going to cover s_x ed in school, they should give us fair warning of this (and I'd say the same about my mom, but she never had one so also had no idea to discuss it with me.) I was stunned at how many people at work had had one, but I never knew until they found out I did. Get this: about half of those were the ones to use the aforementioned what not to say lines! Docbytch, (on the lighter side) string her paperclips together, twist the end of her stapeler so the ends splay outward, and put lotion or baby oil on her mouse and keyboard; if she has something that locks squeeze a little glue in the keyhole. Try that sort of 'won't get you in [much] trouble' prank about weekly until you feel better. Laugh at her. Ok, so that's possibly wrong; it would still be fun. Yesterday I thought I was moving forward; laughing at this while also still angry about it... Last night I ended up taking a long walk having the hardest cry since mc. My dh was upset, he hates when I cry, and we went out to dinner as I was in no state to cook. He was trying to be helpful. We got a table by a table with a baby. I made my family get up and switch seats so I faced away from that table. We ordered. The food came. These things shouldn't be on the list, but.... The waiter said, "Mam, you look like you've had a hell of a day." The baby began crying. I began crying. It's really hard to hold a straight face long enough to find the door in a place full of people and tables and chairs when your eyes are watering down to your chin....

 

Sam How - February 18

Another you can add i was told "Your Time will Come" this was my time, another comment after my 2nd miscarriage was "Perhaps you want to get used to the ideal than you wont have children, and told to give up. all these comments have come from people that havent had problems getting pregnant, then going through the heart break of a miscarriage. Life is just so unfairxx

 

BeckyBunny - February 18

Add to the list : (my first m/c was a blighted ovum) "It might make you feel better to know there was never REALLY a baby there." and "Oh well you're better off not having kids anyway."

 

DownbutnotOUT - February 18

I dont know if you can really add this to the list but it devistated me non the less and it took every ounce in me not to bit** slap my MIL into the next life. "It's gods way of telling you not to have children out of wedlock" X_X. Also I have to say linds you worded everything perfectly.

 

SaraH - February 19

my mil told my dh that I must not be healthy enough b/c 2 m/c in a row "wasn't normal." The women had no "facts" at all to say that 2 wasn't normal (which I saw a couple doc who told me it really wasn't that uncommon to have 2m/c and from what I've learned the stats for having the type of m/c's I had really were probably around ~7-10% ). So my mil says all this and the thing is, I was and am completely healthy. I had just had a physical before we got pregnant the 2nd time and was told I was really healthy and that it would be fine to ttc again. I also don't smoke, I don't drink at all, I've never done any type of illegal drug in my life, I'm not over/underweight, and outside of a sweet tooth I'm very healthy in what I eat/drink. The only reason my in-laws could give my dh for saying that I was "unhealthy" was that we'd had 2 m/c and I was often tried when they saw me. Of course I was tried when they'd see me! I only saw them Sunday afternoons for lunch. We'd eat and then sit on the couch and do nothing. They didn't consider that it was Sunday afternoon, we'd normally have just eaten a pretty large meal, we would be doing nothing but sitting around, and maybe I was tired b/c my dh and I were finishing a Chemical Engineering and Cellular Biology degree --hence we didn't always get 8hr's of sleep a night. Thankfully my dh let into them about it, and told them that they really had no reason/facts or right to say such a thing. --By the way I got pregnant again 3 months later (which has gone perfectly fine this time) and when I saw the OB (new ob as we'd moved) for the 1st time she came in looking at all of the blood work/tests the nurse had done for the initial 'new patient/pregnancy' a__sessments they always do and her first words to me were "Everything looks really good. You're really healthy." Anyways, I wasn't so p__sed by their comment as I was hurt. Who says something like that? It's not like those of us who've had a m/c don't already feel like maybe it was our fault (even though it wasn't) but to have your family who should be supportive pretty much saying "it's your fault"...why would someone even think that is an okay thing to say to ppl who've just lost their baby? Definitely put some stress on our relationship w/ dh's parents.

 

Ella82 - February 21

I had a friend say to me yesterday. "Things happen for a reason" "It will happen when it is your time" and about trying again "Try not to want it so much, you will only get disappointed" (this one really hurt me as it is so important to dh and me to want a baby together) and "Things can often be better unplanned than planned" I have had 2m/cs now and things cant happen unplanned anymore.

 

sososleepy - February 21

Add, “What did you do?” I actually got that one today, about 2 hours ago. What the heck do you say to that as you clench your hands together because one has a seriously twitchy urge to smack back, and while some naughty hidden part of you wants to, you know that isn’t right and don’t act that way… SarahH, one word sums that whole thing up: InLaws. Some (usually mothers of sons) parents have a hard time letting go of their children. My mother-in-law is a prime example. We no longer speak except when forced together on holidays, and then we stick to hello and goodbye. I watched it with my grandmother (dad’s side) and my mom too, although they “appeared” to get along. She just never considered my mom good enough for her son. I’ll be very very careful to try to make friends with the woman my son chooses someday (I all ready feel those words getting stuffed back down my throat with an awful sauce – scared!!!). You just have to try to learn to not take anything she says too personally since she’s still in ‘protect baby’ mode and she perceives you as a threat. I have no idea how to fix that… I peed on a hpk this am at 6dpo. What’s rational about that? Whether we’re a mom, or want to be, emotion takes over rational thought sometimes (more times after mc) so when she gets on your last nerve just imagine her in a straight jacket, giggle (which will drive her nuts), and ignore her. Ella82, I’ve heard similar don’t get your hopes up sort of statements, and part of the joy of marriage and parenting is those very hopes; I do NOT want to let them go, but I feel them slipping away sometimes. Then I cry and get determined. You know the circle. Keep the ‘what not to say’s’ coming; this is a great vent page and I know I need it during part of that emotional circle I’m stuck in!

 

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