Miscarriage Husband S Perspective

6 Replies
SaddenedInSeattle - February 1

I'm 28 and my wife is 25. We just found out we were pregnant about 12 days ago. Of course we had heard not to tell for 12 weeks, but we just couldn't resist. We love our family and friends and we wanted to share our excitement. Over the weekend my wife started cramping and bleeding. Couple trips to the doctor since and it's official - miscarriage. My wife wanted to try to get back into the swing of things and went back to work today, bad part is she's an infant preschool teacher, so she spent the day around all of these wonderful babies. I'm trying to encourage her to take a few days off now. She's really hurting a feeling very similar to all of you who have posted messages. I, on the other hand, am very confused. There seems to be nothing I can do to help her. Watching her hurt is more painful that actually losing the pregnancy. And I don't know what to feel. Sometimes I feel terrible and want to cry. Other times I feel relief (followed by total guilt). I am about to finish graduate school and take a new job on the other side of the country near our family. It was all very exciting - graduation, new job, new city, new baby!!! Now she and I are thinking all kinds of stuff. We want to start trying again right away. We want to put if off for a while and just take some big trip to some big exotic place. We want to quit our jobs now and move back to our family ASAP. Anyway, I'm not looking for answers to our questions. Answers will come in time. I just wanted to say how confused we are right now. Thanks for listening (reading).

 

stacey - February 1

It's great to hear a husband's perspective! I miscarried at 8 weeks(the baby's heartbeat stopped and I had to have a D&E), and like you, we had told almost everyone. Now we are both not looking forward to seeing people. We informed people of our loss via email or the phone. I found out Thursday, had the D&E the next day and went back to work today. I am an elementary teacher. It was hard both physically and emotionally. I would recommend some time off for her..whether she thinks she needs it or not- her body is under alot of stress, even though it might help distract her a bit. Sounds like you guys have alot going on. What helps comfort me is when my husband hugs me when I do cry, and listens to me when I talk about it. We also put a memory box together for the baby (cards- congrats & sympathy, we also wrote down how we were feeling when we heard and all we went through up to the point of loss).

 

tara - February 2

My husband and i had similar feelings and thoughts after I miscarried in Oct/04. The horemones go crazy in a woman so each hour, or even each minute can be different from the next. My husband was there for me, but later I realized that he really didn't have the chance to grief our loss properly becuase he was so worried about me and how I was handeling the loss. It certainly is a confusing time, and as you said the answers will come later. Just use this time to be together, and to rea__sure eachother that you still have one another, and a life time ahead of you to have as many kids as you want. You can start trying again as soon as you are emotionally ready. We got pregnant after a month so our loss was followed by another pregnancy, and so far (knock on wood) this one has been coming along just fine. I wish you and your wife all the best...I think it's great that you are there for her. Your feelings are completely normal, and remember that you can still have all that you dreamed of ...graduation, new job, new city, family...and a baby will come in time... maybe sooner than you expect. all the best to you.

 

kate - February 2

We too, suffered a miscarriage.My husband was emotional at the news..not myself..bottle the emotions.The best thing he did was just to hold me.Openly talking about what happened and what's going to happen have been helpful to me.I'm not one to suffer PMS or mood swings but after the D&C my hormones ran rampant with me...be on the lookout!

 

Amy - February 2

Again, it is so nice to hear the husband's perspective. The best thing that my husband did was hold me and tell me that my body knew something wasn't right with the baby. He made me realize how lucky of a woman I am to be able to become pregnant, while there are so many who can't (my sister cannot bear children) so we are going to try again starting this week. ~Baby dust to everyone~

 

Jo - February 4

Thank you for being a sensitive and concerned husband. Your wife needs that more than anything right now..If you feel the need to cry just do it, you'll feel better even just for a little while. You two will figure out what to do from this point on but I'm sure it will be the right path for you. I was 9 weeks pregnant and just miscarried 2 days ago. but i had known something was wrong when I was 7 weeks along. I was so prepared for a miscarriage that the past 2 weeks were the hardest. Just knowing that there wasnt a viable pregnancy and it took its sweet time to clean itself out. i wanted it out so i could start my cycle again. some people are shocked at how well i am taking it. I had miscarried once before and i had done alot of research and learned that early miscarriages occur because no baby formed or it was in the early cellular stages. that was what happened with me. so i felt that there was no baby in the first place and all i had to deal with was my mindset of being pregnant. so once i handled that i wanted to try again as soon as possible. i feel for the women who actually have a baby growing and then lose it, i dont know how i could handle that. anyway at this point my husband wants to move us back to hawaii to be with my family and i want that also but i dont know if i should try again now or wait till i get there. if i have the baby here in oklahoma i can go to a midwife clinic which is what i want and hawaii has none. so we are at a crossroads along with ya!

 

Betty - February 5

I am a key stage 1 teacher (I'm from England, the kids are 6 and 7 years old) I went back to work after a week and half after my /c, it ws too soon, I cried in the staffroom and I nearly cried infront of the chidlren. It wasn't just the emotional side it was physical too, my body was exhausted, it was all too much. Tell your wife to take more time off.

 

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