My Baby Boy

12 Replies
babyotw - June 30

I have a story to tell. I have good days and bad days. Last summer when I was 25 weeks pregnant I got into a bad car accident. Some stupid girl ran a red light and plowed right into my minivan. When I got to the hospital I remember going in and out of consciousness. Then I remember looking at the u/s picture of my baby and not seeing a heartbeat. All I could do was hold my stomach. The nurse tried to comfort me but I just couldn't believe it. I had remembered feeling him kick and squirm just a few hours ago. He couldn't possibly be dead. My thoughts were then racing to my other two kids. The nurse told me that my little son(4) who was in the backseat had to be airlifted to a nearby city because he wasn't breathing and I actually thought I was going to loose him too. My daughter was fine and had just a few bumps. Then they told me that I had to be airlifted also. I can still remember what the helicopter sounded like. All I could think of was why me? Why my family? Please God don't let me loose my other son. Later that night after I got set up in the trauma unit I remember a doctor coming in and telling me that I had lost my baby and that I had broken my pelvis in 3 places. I also had internal bleeding that might require surgery. I finally got to see my husband and talk with my parents. They told me that my 4 year old son was on a breathing machine and he was looking better every minute. Thank goodness I thought. What a relief!!! They started me on morphine because I was in so much pain. The next week was a big blur. I slept through most of it. Two days after the accident I remember them starting me on pitocin to induce labor. I pushed a few times and my little sweet baby was born. He was beautiful. 12inches long. I kept thinking that maybe he would open his eyes but he never did. He was so tiny and perfect. One by one my family took turns holding him. He looked like my other son so much. The nurses made plaster molds of his little tiny hands and feet for me. They were gorgerous. They also gave me a lock of his hair/fuzz. They dressed him up so he could be baptized and afterward they brought me the gown. Then they gave me a little book/album with pictures of him with a teddybear. I am so thankful of all the wonderful things they did for us. About a week later I got to go home. My 4year old son had to stay in the hospital 3 more weeks until he was released. We had to teach him to regain his strength in his legs basically to walk again. We fianlly had our little baby boy cremated. I couldn't bare putting him in the ground. I needed him with me. His urn sits on my fireplace next to his framed picture. I talk to him everyday. I think the hardest thing to deal with is how my family doesn't talk about him. I am the only one who mentions him by name. I know they don't want to see me upset but , by not talking about him makes it even worse. It has almost been a year and it has gotten a little easier. I am now almost 32 weeks pregnant and am praying that my sweet little girl will be born healthy.

 

Steff - June 30

I am so sorry for your terrible loss. It makes me sick inside. I lost a pregnancy at 6 weeks. As hard as it was, things happen and there is nothing I could have done. Your situation seems so sensless. No one understands the loss of an unborn baby like his mother. I don't know what more to say except my heart goes out to you. Best of luck eith your new daughter.

 

SaraH - June 30

babyotw, I'm so sorry for your lose. I'm glad to hear that your other son has recovered. I'm sorry that your family has such a hard time talking about your son that you lost. I think people have a hard time knowing what they should or shouldn't say so they just don't say anything -I'm sorry. I hope all goes okay with your new little girl. Hugs, and prayer

 

ksorbin - July 1

Hi babyotw....I am sorry about your loss. What a horrible experience to go through. I lost my dear son Micah at 18wks. He didn't have a hearbeat. I was induced and delivered him. I too had him cremated and his cute little urn sits on my chest of drawers in my bedroom. I am now 5 1/2wks pregnant and think that Micah is this baby's little guardian angel. What did you name your little boy??? Your sweet little girl has an angel watching over her. Be strong and enjoy this baby to come. Try not to be upset with the rest of your family for not talking to him. Remember, even though everyone experiences loss with the death of your unborn child, you were the only one carrying him and feeling him move. It is MUCH tougher for you and you have the greater connection to him. Just keep talking to him everyday. Good luck with everything. Glad to hear your other son did well. -Kortnee

 

babyotw - July 1

Thanks Steff and SaraH for reading my story. Sometimes it is easier to talk to people who aren't in your family.

 

rachelD. - July 3

Your story is so sad, but I know you needed to tell it. I know because I feel the same way about my son and daughter. We have 3 kids here on earth and 2 precious angels. We lost Ethan last August in my 18th wk of PG and sweet Emma this March at 20wks PG. I did not lose them to a senseless accident, but due to a clotting/folic acid problem called MTHFR. However you lose a baby it still hurts just as bad. I am glad your hospital gave you so many things to remember your baby. I don't have as many momentos of Ethan as I do Emma(I was at a different hospital),but I cherish all I do have. I even got a double frame and framed their footprints with their name and birthday. I often have to supress the urge to tell complete strangers that I do have more children, they just aren't here! Usually its a woman with a fat baby boy the age that Ethan should be or a woman who looks as PG as I should be with Emma. Anyway thank you for sharing your story. What did you name your baby boy?

 

babyotw - July 3

Kortnee, I am sorry to hear about Micah. How terrible for you and your family. My precious little man was named Andrew. Thanks for the great advice! You are so right when you say that I had a stronger bond with him than anyone. It's just that when I talk about him to friends or family they quickly change the subject or don't say anything at all. It hurts. But I am so happy I found this forum and can talk to you and other people who know exactly what I am feeling. It is good to know I am not the only one! It is also good to be reminded that our little angels are waiting for us in heaven.

 

babyotw - July 3

RachelD, I am so sorry to hear about your losses. It still amazes me that there are so many women who have experienced what we have gone through. Thank you so much for sharing Ethan and Emma's story. I know that they are looking over you and your family everyday. It's hard to mention to others about how many children you have. I have actually said,"I have been pregnant 5 times and two children are here with me now,one on the way, and two babies are in heaven.(I had a miscarriage when I was about 7 weeks pregnant back in 1999. ) Usually they look shocked at first but then they ask how they died and it feels quite comforting for me to tell their story. I don't do this with everyone. Just when I feel comfortable in the situation. You are so right when you say that each loss hurts the same. It took me a long time to get a grip on my emotions with my first miscarriage. All I have to remember this baby by is the U/S picture. I wish I had more. My little man that I lost in July was named Andrew. I think of him everyday.

 

Lilu - July 3

Babyotw... I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter at 34 1/2 last August. I was just thinking today that OMG... it's almost been a year since we've lost her. I'm currently 18 weeks pregnant and counting. I understand what you mean. I'm fortunate enough that my side of the family refers to Sophie by name like she deserves to be. Dh's side doesn't. It's like they don't like to mention that whole pregnancy. It burns me up inside. She will always be my first. I feel as if it's more comforting to refer to them by name right? Rather than to be not spoken about. It's feels good when they are spoken about as a person. I know exactly how you feel in that respect. Well... I wish you and your family well and good luck with your little girl:)

 

Tara S - July 3

Im am so sorry that you and your family had to go through a loss of your baby and almost losing your son. I lost a baby girl at 18 weeks 5 days to a chromosome disorder that is non- hereditary and currently pregnant with my fifth pregnancy 11 weeks 2 days. I am blessed with 2 older children that are healthy.Sometimes life seems so unfair and its hard to understand why we have these things happen to us. My mother in law was killed in a car accident because someone else's fault. My husband is no longer mad, but still grieving for his mom who pa__sed 14 years ago and his little girl. We buried our daughter in the same plot as my husbands mom. I think people sometimes don't like to mention your baby because its too painful. I just start talking about my daughter and if they care they listen. I have some family that like to pretend it never happened also and I just stay away from them.Lots of prayers for you and your sweet baby girl.

 

Lilu - July 3

OHH I do too have problems on what to say when people say "is this your first" I always say yes with hest_tation with strangers. Only b/c I don't want to get into it with them. It's so hard though... this isn't my first and I wish the whole world could've known my little girl. Rachel... since they diagnoised the reason why you lost Ethan & Emma, what will they do with your next pregnancy?

 

Melissa G - July 7

I'm so sorry for your loss. Congratulations on this pregnancy and your little girl will be okay.

 

sahmof3 - July 7

So sorry for the loss of your son Andrew. I can relate about no one mentioning your baby by name. We lost our baby, Jordan Chris, at 10 weeks and no one in my family except DH will call him/her Jordan, they think the baby wasn't a person and it's weird to name them. For me, it's been 7 1/2 years but that part of it still makes me sooo sad. I'm glad your son is doing well- Thank God!!

 

ADD A COMMENT:


You must log in to reply.

Are you New to the forum? Sign Up Here! Already a member? Please login below.

Forgot your password?
Need Help?
New to the forum?

Sign Up Here!


Already a member?
Please login below.





Forgot your password?
Need Help?