My Haunting And Sad Miscarriage Story

32 Replies
AmyAnn - October 25

I had a miscarriage July 27, 2005. This is the first time I've talked about it to anyone besides the father, and it's eating me alive, but this seems like a wonderful site, so here's my story: I found out I was pregnant three days after I walked on stage to receive my High School Diploma. I graduated at the top of my class. I was horrorstruck, I thought my future was ruined, my mind spun out of control as I saw everything I worked so hard for and every dream of my future slip through my fingers. We immediatley told his mom, and she helped bring me back down to earth. Life was not over and we would be supported by people who loved us. Telling my parents was the worst thing I've ever had to do.They were disgusted, disappointed, resentful, and angry. I lived with my sister for a week to let them cool off before we talked anymore. Me and the father discussed our options. We briefly considered adoption but soon realized we wanted to keep the baby and do the best we could. Through a month of MUCH strife and emotional chaos, we began to pick the pieces up and put them back together. He picked up two jobs and so did I. We saved as much money as we could and had plans and goals; we wanted to do the best we could. We owed it to ourselves, our families, and especially our child. My pregnancy was so rough and I was so sick that I found myself vomiting regularly on the way to work, at work, on the way home from work, and so on. I worked two jobs while constantly feeling like I had pneumonia or an extremely bad case of the flu. Around this time my sister who is married and 25 with 2 kids already, finds out that oops she is also pregnant and about exactly as far along as me - actually our due dates were only a week apart! Exciting to say the least! I went to my first appointment with my midwife in June. She was wonderful, and I would recommend a midwife to anyone who is pregnant. She requested an ultrasound to see how far along I was, since I was quite irregular in my cycles and unsure. They couldn't find the baby. There was the embryonic sac, the yolk sac, and no baby. They told me it was very likely I had miscarried earlier on, that the baby never developed. I was hysterical crying and wanted to punch someone. Come back in one week. Just as I had started to get my life in order it is all thrown in my face. One week of pure, torturous h__l. No one knows what to think. I couldn't think straight. Second visit. They can see a Fetal Pole!! But no heartbeat. After a week preparing myself for accepting a miscarriage I am told to come back in two weeks and it is likely we will see the heartbeat. My head is spinning. An unexpected pregnancy I had just begun to adjust to was questioned, then somewhat reaffirmed, but I still had to play the waiting game. One week drags by....and some odd days. I am at work three days before my appointment and am having horrible cramps. It was too busy for me to really think about. Went home and slept like a dead person, woke up early in the morning to bleeding. Called my midwife, and she confirmed it by ultrasound, I was miscarrying. She prescribed me Vicoden and Ibuprofen and said to go home and rest for a couple days. After two days of h__lfire labor contractions, vomiting, and cying, I went to the bathroom and my baby came out with a sickening Plop. I chose not to look at it. I haven't really talked about it with anyone, because too many people say things like "well you were young, it was for the better, now you have your future ahead of you." I know they mean well but it doesn't matter how old you are or what your situation is - losing a child is extremely painful. Now I have drifted from my sister because she is due when I would have been. I dread that day. I want so much to be happy for her but it is so hard for me. My phantom Child, what would you say now if you could? I hope he would remember the times when I would sit with my hand on my belly in complete wonder and love that there was a baby in there. I hope he would remember how hard me and his father fought to make the best life for him we could have. I hope he knows he is missed and loved and thought of every day. He is my phantom baby...he came into my life and threw it into complete and total chaos, and as soon as I became adjusted to the chaos he left like a ghost, like a shadow in the night that you wonder if you really saw. I don't know why it happened, I don't think any of us do. God works in strange ways, ways I most definitely don't understand. I go from angry to sad to resentful to bitter and back around again constantly, but I have learned a lot. A lot about myself and about life. One thing I do know is that at least my baby is with God! He never had to suffer in this cruel world, and that, that is all I can be thankful for. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read my story and comment. This goes out to the many, many people who can relate, no matter what age. Love and peace of mind be with you all!

 

meg - October 25

AmyAnn-I am so sorry for your loss. I,too, lost my little love at 9 wks and 5 days on July 20 of this year. The pst few months have been hell, but I am trying to just take it one day at a time. I am so glad you felt comfortable enough with us to share your story. I will pray for you and your family.

 

Amy - October 25

AmyAnn i'm sorry about your loss i to m/c in may of this year my thoughts are with you

 

ally - October 26

you're a star amy ann and i am sure god will be on ur side next time. I cant imagine the pain and u will heal, u just wont forget... god bless and when u are ready u will be a fantastic mum

 

angel - October 26

i am soooo sorry :( i had 2 miscariages... one in oct 04 and another on christmas eve 04. i know how much it hurts and im so sorry :( talking about it is the best way and you can still love ur baby even thought s/he isnt with u... when im sad i like to think my babies are in heaven with jesus and someday u will see ur baby too and everythig will be ok :) im so sorry god bless you!

 

Tanya - October 26

AmyAnn, I am so sorry for your loss. You are right about this being a wonderful site. It has helped so many of us. I lost my little boy at 17 weeks in Aug. Long story short, I had started bleeding at 11 weeks but there was no obvious reason for the bleeding. I had several sonograms that showed the baby was growing fine and all was healthy. I was told not to worry that bleeding can be common in pregnancy. This cycled almost like a period for 6 wks (heavy to light to spotting). I tried to keep my hopes up but felt in my heart something was wrong. At 17 weeks, I had started cramping with the bleeding. I went to the hospital and was again told everything was fine. I watched him move & his heart beat was strong. They sent me home to "rest for the weekend" I had tears of joy and frustration. That night my water broke. I went back to the hospital to deliver my baby boy - the one I knew I wouldn't bring home. That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I wasn't prepared for the emotions I'd feel that night at home, the days and weeks to come, and still now. I understand your circle of emotions. All the girls here have experienced great loss, and great pain, and continue with great hope of conceiving again when the time is right. I am reading the "Purpose Driven Life" book. It has helped me so much. There is a quote that says Jesus can only use our painful experiences if we share them and sharing our stories builds a relational bridge that Jesus can walk across from one heart to another. I also had the thought of my baby having a perfect life. Our angels will never be judged for doing wrong. They stepped right into heaven. What a thought! The one thing we can keep in mind is God's plan for us is greater than our own. We can experience true joy unless we have experience great sorrow. Hopefully we will all go on to have healthy babies, and we will be so much more greatful and thankful for them because they will be answers to our prayers. I'm proud of you for taking responsibility and trying to make the best out of your situation. You will be blessed for faith and trust in God.

 

crisy - October 26

Hi AmyAnn. Reading your story brought tears in my eyes. I am so very sorry for your loss and I think that you are such a brave person. You are so young but yet you seem so wise. I lost my baby at the hospital while I was waiting in the ER waiting room. I was in so much pain and I was bleeding so much. My husband was trying to comfort me while I was left to sit and wait for 3 hours. When I went to the bathroom, there it was. My sweet little angel the size of an egg on my pad (sorry TMI). I took the remains and wrapped them in paper towel. When I showed it to the doctor, he threw everything in the garbage. Yesterday was 6 months since the miscarriage and I am still grieving. You never forget the pain and the saddness that you feel. The emptiness remains. You are going through the grieving process right now and that's why all those feelings of resentfulness, saddness are going around in a circle. The women in this forum are very helpful and I am glad that you found this site. I hope that your heart will begin to heal. I am sure that your baby is an angel in heaven who will always love you and protect you. I am so sorry that you have to go through so much pain and saddness. I will pray for you and I will pray for your family that they will understand what you went through and hopefully they will give you some comfort. Take care.

 

AmyAnn - October 26

Your stories brought tears to my eyes too!! It is beautiful that our babies stepped right into heaven, and like I said, that is the one thing I have to be thankful for. It's good to hear other women are going through the same feelings and that I'm not just going off the deep end. Today I went down to a local Crisis Pregnancy Center to find out if I can volunteer, I think maybe like Tanya said sharing my story and helping others will also help me. I will also pray for all of you! PS- who is the author of the Purpose Driven Life?

 

Tanya - October 26

The author is Rick Warren. He's a pastor in California. It's an awesome book! I've also been thinking of volunteer work. Helping others always makes us feel better, especially when we can relate. God may have so much planned for us. I'll also pray that things will be ok with your family. You never know how lives can be touched & changed. Please keep in touch. I'd love to know how things are going in your life. God bless!

 

crisy - October 26

Hi AmyAnn. You seem like such a kind soul. Bless you for wanting to help others. I think you are a very caring person and I wish you all the best.

 

Laura - October 26

I am sorry to hear about your loss! I had a m/c in Sept. You sound like a very strong person to be able to accomplish all you have and make the choices you have. God is on your side through all of this and every other challenge that we all face. Stay strong. You and your family are in my prayers.

 

tbubbablues - October 26

amyann, that story hit my heart so hard, im so sorry bout ur lose i no everyone says that but we all really mean it, im ttc and i think i might have miss carried at 4wks im not sure, but by the sounds of what u discribed i dont think i did if i even am/was pg, ur r very brave to share ur story on line for anyone to read and i thank u for that, it will help me keep in mind that one moment things could be great then the next everything can be taken away. im not sure if i am pg but i sure do feel pg, not so much as in vomiting and that but more the b___bs r bigger and the tummy seem different,dizzy,tired moody etc, i have taken 2 hpt and so far all neg i think i might go doctors but its complicated as im only 16, to everyone out there if u read my post message please dont judge me cos im 16... i have been for so long and i really dont need it but thanks for sharing ur story. baby dust to all,

 

Angel - October 27

hi AmyAnn i have also recently had a miscarriage actually it was the 24th of october this past sunday i am trying to tell myself everything will be okay but i don't see how it can be at this point in time if u would like 2 talk e-mail me at [email protected]

 

Lily - October 27

Sweetie, your baby loves you. I admire the fact that you stood up for your responsibility and didn't give up to provide the best for this child. I had a loss too at 18, at 4 months...missed miscarriage.(baby died inside me and dr. had to induce to labor) Instead of having a baby shower I had a funeral. Im 22 now, and sometimes it hurts like if it where yesterday. I felt like dying but It does get easier with time. I remember wanting to get pregnant soon right after my miscarriage, I hated the fact of having to pa__s my due date with empty arms or an empty belly. I just wanted my baby back. I didn't get pregnant again (boyfriend problems) but now years later I don't feel the same. I have grown so much stronger and about to get a great job. Im just focusing my energy right now in getting my finances, and getting back in school so that I can provide the very best for my future children. For now just keep your mind busy, and surround yourself with positive people. Don't distant yourself, and keep strong. I've learned that death is no barrier when it comes to love.

 

karine - October 27

i never suffered a baby loss. and i hope i wont. But i think that you were going to be wonderful parents and this child would have been loved and cared for. and that is why you will start feeling better and that maybe in the near futur or later on in,life, you will become a mommy, it wont replace this baby, but you will have so much love to give. i wish you good luck and, remember things will get easier

 

AmyAnn - October 27

For awhile too all I could think about was that I wanted to get pregnant again too Lily. Fortunately I realized that would not solve any of my problems. I do think it will be really hard when my due date rolls around...especially since my sister will be having her baby at that time...I have no idea how to deal with that. But I am also trying to focus my life on positive things, and I try but it's really, really hard not to be distant from everyone around me! But things will get better for all of us. Thank you all so much for commenting geeze I don't even know what to say. All your stories hit me very hard as well. I posted this because I needed to write about it for therapy for myself and I got so many responses! I don't know any of you but you have no idea how much hope and support I feel I have, it's kind of crazy really, I did not expect it. I hope everyone continues to use this site to share your stories and support.

 

Jessica - October 28

AmyAnn-I can completely relate to your story. Shortly after I graduated, towards the top of my cla__s and with various school and athletic awards, I found out I was pregnant.I had been with the father for two years. I had been accepted to various schools and was planning on attending one about three hours away. Me and my bf talked about our options and decided on keeping the baby. We changed all of our plans for going away. It was hard telling my parents, but they accepted it. I was taking care of myself, stopped drinking and partying, eating right, everything. I was determined for this child to be brought up how I was, happy and lovingly. Around 2 mos. pregnant I miscarried. I woke up one morning with bleeding. It was the worst day of my life-August 13, 2004. It was the worst feeling. And I had just begun to put things in place. I am so sorry about what happened to you. I understand what you are going thru completely, especially about changing your plans. Losing a child, no matter how old you are, is the worst thing. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

 

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