Naming Your Miscarried Baby

7 Replies
Lily - October 19

I had a miscarriage a week ago I am 23 years old and it was my first pregnancy, it was a heartbreaking and traumatizing experience which involved a stay in the hospital. I miscarried at 12 weeks and my fiance and I have given our baby a name and my mother told me that was weird, it seems like noone understands that to us it was our baby, that our baby has died and we are grieving, that giving the baby a name helps to mourn easier and get over the death of our baby. I feel like everyone thinks I am crazy for naming the baby and grieving so much. Has anyone else named a baby they miscarried? Am I taking my sorrow too far? It hurts that my friends brag about their newborns in front of me... is it wrong to be bitter that they have beautiful healthy babies and mine died? I am also hurt that I was not told that I could have had an examination of the tissue done to possibly determine the cause of miscarriage.... It seems like everyone is so indifferent to the fact of me losing my baby....

 

Alison - October 19

Lily I am so very sorry for your loss. I have had 3 miscarriages (still TTC 1st child) at 9 wks, 8 1/2 wks then 10 wks. My DH & I named our babies. Not the names we had picked out for a boy or girl as are saving those but we chose different names and unis_x ones as was too early to know if they were boys or girls. Toni (means "worthy of praise") Bayle (means "beautiful") & Caelyn (means "loved forever") Family & close friends know the names and though father-in-law finds it strange and doesn't understand why we felt the need to name the babies others have been very supportive about it. Just after we lost the 3rd baby 2 friends came to see how we were coping and once of the first things they asked was what name had we chosen as they knew we would have chosen one. I am glad we have named them and I think it's good you have named your baby and am sorry people are not being understanding about it to you. The important thing is you know why it is important and that's really all that matters, though it is hard when people don't understand what we are going through. Your baby was your child to be-they were a beautiful little baby and deserve a name I don't see what is crazy about that. People who have not lost a baby in pregnancy often don't relate to how we feel as they have not experienced the same loss and don't see the baby as "our baby" the way we do. It's something you have to have gone through to understand I think. I am upset to think your friends would brag about their new babies to you considering what you have gone through. I realise it is exciting for them but people should be understanding in these circ_mstances. I have several friends who have been having babies over the course of my losses and it has been heartbreaking (worst was my sister in law giving birth a month ago that has been really hard) but everyone has been so kind and understanding to my situation which I appreciate. The bitterness is normal I have felt alot of bitterness because it's just not fair-it really isn't. I am gradually starting to deal with the bitter feelings but they are hard to shake off. I'm sorry you weren't able to have the baby examined. Not all hospitals do that and if yours was one that did they should have told you. It has never been an option of me as my hospital do not though Dh & I have had several tests as we have now lost 3 but nothing has been found to explain why so we are trying again and praying hard. I think from examining the baby they can tell if it was a chromosonal error-if it was it suggests a one off thing that went wrong while the baby was being formed (which is the cause of most sporadic-single-miscarriages) and is unlikely to reoccur the next time giving you really good odds for the next pregancy. If no chromosonal error is found there may be a medical reason. When they do examine the baby/tissue it has to be as close to the death of the baby as possible so as to enable them to grow cells etc and carry out the tests. If the baby had died a few weeks before the miscarriage apparently this is not as possible and tests are not as accurate. I can tell you that as many as 1 in 5 (some statistics say 1 in 4) pregnacies wil miscarry. Often it is the 1st pregnancy though not always. After 1 miscarriage you are MUCH more likely to have a healthy pregnancy next time than you are to have another loss. Although some women miscarry again the majority it is a one off occurance that has gone wrong in the very complex development of the baby in the very beginning and won't happen again. I know it is so heartbreaking and scary but you have much to hope for though it may not feel like it right now. It was only a week ago you lost your baby and you have alot of grieving to do. Let yourself grieve for your baby in whatever way you need to regardless of other's comments. You and your fiance hold each other and you will get through this very sad time and I am sure go on to be blessed in the future-hopefully very very soon when you are ready to try again. Be kind to yourself and if you can, distance yourself from ne babies/pregnant friends for a while until you feel able to cope with that. ( I still struggle I have to admit ) Take care xxx

 

crisy - October 19

Hi Lily. Oh, I am so sorry for your loss and I am so sorry that nobody understands what you are going through. First of all, you are not crazy for naming your baby. I also named my baby. I was 7.5 weeks pregnant when I miscarried. I planted a rosebush in my baby's memory and I gave my baby the name of Rosa-Maria. I always thought my baby was a little girl so I chose that name in her memory. It was my first pregnancy and I wanted my baby so much. It's been almost 6 months since the miscarriage and I am still grieving. I will always miss my baby and I will never forget her. You are not taking your sorrow too far and it's not wrong the way you feel. I think that your friends should be a bit more compa__sionate with you. Lily, you have been through such a devastating experience and I hope that your fiance is there for you. My heart goes out to you and I pray that you will feel better soon. Please take good care of yourself. My prayers are with you during this difficult time.

 

Lily - October 19

Thank you for your response Alison it really means a lot to me to know other people understand how I feel. I am so sorry for your losses I can't imagine the grief you have gone through. I hope things will go well for you in the future and you will be ale to conceive and have a healthy pregnancy and baby. You seem like a very kind, loving, intelligent woman who deserves the happiness of giving birth to a beautiful healthy baby. Thank you for understanding and taking the time to respond to my question. My fiance and I named our baby Alix. As it is a neutral name and we did not want to use the names we had chosen either because we are saving them. Also we know we are going to want to try again in the near future as soon as we are ready, my family is trying to talk me out of it, which really hurts.... it is my and my fiance's decision when we are ready to try again. We have discussed waiting about 6 months and it hurts so bad that people are not supporting this decision. I am so lucky to have such an amzing fiance he sat by my side in the hospital all night, he cries with me and holds me tight. He truly understands and is in just as much pain as I am. Without him I would not have made it this far. Thank you for understanding your response really helped me. I wish you all the best of luck and happiness.

 

Lily - October 19

Crisy- Thank you for taking the time to respond to me, I am truly sorry for your loss as well. It helps me to know others understand how I feel. I have also been trying to figure out a way to create a memorial for our baby, because I refuse to just completely forget about my baby. Your idea of planting a rosebush is a beautiful idea. I hope I can come up with something so beautiful and meaningful for my baby. My fiance is incredible.... he was so devastated but tried to remain strong for me, I tell him it is ok to cry and be upset and talk to me that we are in this together and our love will keep us strong and get us through this difficult time. He cries with me and we hold each other and comfort each other, he is so sensitive and compa__sionate and loving. I am so lucky to have him, he actually knew I was pregnant before I even did, and he had sympathy pregnancy symptoms. We are so in tuned with each other we are best friends, lovers and soul mates.... it really hurts me that he is in so much pain right now.... but I know we can make it through this together. I am truly sorry for your loss and pain and I wish you the best of luck in the future if you try to conceive again. Thank you for understanding and taking the time to respond to me.

 

Britney - October 19

Hi, I had a miscarriage about 2 months ago, and i am still grieving. I was crushed when i found out and felt like i had lost a child that had lived for years. Everytime i see a mother with her child I go through so many emotions. Wondering what i could have done to prevent the miscarriage, if it was my fault. My fiancee has been very supportive and has been there for me luckily, through this hard time. He too is upset, but of course he can never know the exact pain i am going through because i actually carried the baby. I named my baby Jonathan Mason. It helps me through the emotional pain to just know that my baby is in heaven and that he has a name. I understand completely what your going through and I hope that you get better emotionally and physically.

 

shaelyn - October 19

hi i a, soooo sorry :( i had a miscarriage last year when i was 19. i had a bad miscarriage i almost ended up in the hospital but i was to upset/crying to ask anyone to bring me. i did name my baby her name is angel and she would be 4 months and 1 week old today :( i miss her a lot its not weird at all to name ur baby i am soo sorry :(

 

Brandi - October 19

I gave birth to my baby at 18weeks due to fetal demise and I named her Selena Marie.

 

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