Need Some Encouragement And Advice

4 Replies
happiness1day - January 16

Wow what a weekend.. This might be kind of long, I apologize in advance. This weekend was the worst weekend of my life. Thursday morning around 1250am, I went to use the restroom, half asleep, and Im thinking everything is ok.. Then I get this squirt of fluid, and I said maybe it was nothing, I go and laydown for a moment, and fluid is coming out everywhere. I run to the other room and wake up my mom. She ran me to the hospital ER and by that time I was bleeding. They pumped me with fluid bc I was bleeding so much. It took them 3hrs before they were able to give me a u/s bc they said they couldnt find a female to put in a foley catheter. 1 hr later they come in the room and tell me that they didnt see any membranes and that I was going to miscarry my 19 week old son. I was devistated. I couldnt understand for the life of me why God decided to let me son go. What have I done is what I ask myself daily... So they rushed me up to the l&d floor where I watch other mothers pace the floors to deliver there lil blessings.. I could do nothing but cry. I had no pain but the pain in my heart. I had bonded with this child and now it was time for him to go... I never go to here him cry, or to hear him say his first word.. I just feel helpless...So that night I spoke with my son, bc I know he was holding on strong until mommy could deal with him leaving.. With no fluid in my womb, my son's heart was beating strong at 150, sometimes 175. That night I was crying and talking to him in my tummy and I said baby its ok to go, I know you are trying to hold on for mommy but its ok, and I told him how much I loved him, and how he would always be my first child, and he would never be replaced. That morning at 650am I delivered him. A 8.5 ounce 9.5 inch long little boy. I just think God that at least he gave me the chance to spend time with him and hold him, and cherish him, like any other baby. I talk to him daily .. I miss him so much.. My boyfriend and I decided to name him Elijah Massai Jones. At the time I didnt know what Elijah meant, but I looked it up when I came from the hospital. Elijah means the Lord is my God. Elijah was a prophet in the bible. He brought a woman's dead son to life, and he went to heaven in a chariot of fire. In God's word Elijah said if you see me leave I will leave a double dose of my spirit with you, and I guess I will always have a double dose of Elijah because I was there from the beginning to the end. I miss my son so much, I guess now I dont know how to cope with living with the fact that he is gone.. People say to me you are only 21, you have more children. This maybe true, but no one will ever replace my first born son... He will never be replaced. I tried to go back to school today and it was just to hard... And I just wallowing in my sorrrow and feeling sorry for myself? Although it has only been 4 days since he has passed others tell me I just need to jump back in the saddle!!! I dont know what to do or how to feel... Im just so depressed, I cant eat, and the only thing that gets me through the day is talking to Elijah and looking at his pics.. I take there whereever I go.. I just dont know how to grieve or if its ok to take time... Im trying to be there for my boyfriend, bc he is grieving and taking the lost of Elijah very hard. Im tired of people telling me you need to recognize Elijah's purpose he served and not the fact that he is gone. Its kind of hard not to miss my son, the love I have for him is a love I had never experienced before. Im a very detached person, I love people but a lot of things to phase me,so for my son to get so close hurts.. I enjoy the way he made me feel and the way he still makes me feel when I think about him.. All I can do is smile when someone says Elijah... Elijah was a conquer and he was holding on until he knew his mommy was ok.. So I just dont know where to go from now or how to cope! Someone please talk to me... No one really knows how a loss like this feels until you go through it..

 

leana - January 17

hie Happiness.l am truly very sorry for your loss.l went through almost exactly what you did exept l lost mine at 16 weeks.no words can make you feel ok, only time will make the pain bearable.lt takes time to even accept that it happened.take your time to grieve your baby and dont mind pple who say u can put it aside and move on.l know it sounds hush but if you need to cry, cry.lts been almost three months for me and though the pain is still there it has become bearable.you need time to grieve and people shouldnt say to get over it but they probably mean well and hate to see you like that. unless you have gone through it its just unimaginable.all l can say is this site has helped me a lot and women here are very helpful and l wish l had found it earlier.again l am very sorry for your loss.

 

Rhiannon - January 17

I am so sorry for your loss. Many people will say heartless things to try and make you feel better. You are a strong person and very eloquent. This will help you through your grief. Take your time to grieve, plant a tree for your son, write him a letter. I hope time will bring you happiness.

 

BeccaC - January 17

I am so sorry that this happened to you, and I think Elijah is a beautiful name. It must be so hard to go thru this grieving process. I've had 2 losses myself, and they were early on, but they were still emotionally painful, like someone ripped out my heart, so I can't even imagine how you must feel. Don't listen to what other people say - sometimes their intentions are right, but their wording is wrong. The worst time is at night, when you are trying to sleep. The only thing that got me thru it was my faith that God would lift me out of my sorrow, that these babies are in His hands, and even though I don't understand why this happened, I trust that He knows and that my babies are with Him right now, as I am sure Elijah is with Him. I hope you find peace and pray that your heart mends soon.

 

BeccaC - January 17

Leana, I am also so sorry to hear about your loss... the women on this website are so strong, and even though we all are tied together by the unfortunate event of losing a pregnancy, it is comforting to know that there is a place where we can go to be comforted by other women going thru the same thing. I wish you all the best in any future attempts to get pregnant, and I hope to log onto this website in the future and read good news about everyone in this forum. God bless.

 

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