No Heartbeat 12 Weeks D Amp C Tomorrow Please Share Thoughts

98 Replies
Pam - February 1

Yesterday I went in for a routine exam at 12 weeks and we couldn't find the heartbeat anymore. I am sad, confused and not sure how to feel. We couldn't find it with the doppler, which he said was not uncommon. He then did a pelvic u/s and thought that the baby's spine was in the way. He then tried va___ally and, as I lie there, he pointed to the chest and to where the heart should be beating. He suggeted I wait a day or two and have a second scan at the hospital, which I am doing tomorrow at 9:00. I have a D&C scheduled for noon should the results confirm what we suspect. This is our first pregnancy and miscarriage and I am so sad and lost. Reading these posts has helped me realize I am not alone.I know miscarriage is common, but i don't know anyone who has had one. i feel alone. Like others, I am scared of the emotional process of the loss. I am also scared of the D&C but waiting for something to happen "naturally" is unbearable. I have no symptoms of miscarriage...no blood,pain, loss of pregnancy symptoms. The doctor thinks the baby's heart may have stopped very recently because the growth was about 11.8 weeks. I am confused, scared and unsure of how to feel. People tell us it's for the best and deep down we know this to be true, but we are so disappointed and confused. Please share your thoughts.

 

stacey - February 1

I was only 8 weeks (first pregnancy) when the same thing happened to me. I went for 1 ultrasound and the heartbeat was only 98. At the 2nd u/s they couldn't find it and told us the baby was still only 6 1/2 weeks size. I hadn't had any miscarriage symptoms, but did notice my pregnancy symptoms faded a bit. I went for a D&E (a bit different than D&C) the day after the u/s. I couldn't think of waiting around for it either, plus my dr. said I could hemmorhage and might end up in the emergency room. The procedure was easy (physically) and I am glad that I had it done. This was on Friday, I have been feeling ok (physically again). Emotionally I'll get better with time- but as I have posted elsewhere, what has helped me alot and was recommended to me by a friend who also had a miscarriage, was to make a memory box for the baby. I put in it everything I had (cards, congrats & sympathy, hospital bracelet, papers, and a letter saying all we felt and did since the time we found out until the procedure). As I started to tell people about my loss, I found a lot of people who had miscarriages that I didn't know about. It's really helpful to talk to people about it that have been through it- if you want to talk, my email is [email protected] Hope this helps :)

 

lynette - February 2

Pam, I know exactly what you are going through as two weeks ago I had a d&c the day after an ultrasound at 13 weeks. Apparently the baby had died at 10 and a half weeks, but I still felt pregnant and had absolutely no signs that anything was wrong. That made it harder, as I'm sure you've also found, because I just wanted some sort of signal that things weren't right - a cramp, some bleeding - but things were stubbornly fine right up til the end. You will have had your op by now, and hopefully you will find (as I did) that after you come home from hospital, things will become much easier. The hardest bit of finding out the way we did (during an ultrasound when we thought everything was fine) was knowing that the little person inside wasn't alive. I started feeling emotionally better after the d&c because everything was taken away. I agree with Stacey that you will be amazed how many people, when they find out about you, will either have been through it themselves, or know someone who has, and you won't feel so alone. Take comfort in the fact that less than 5% of people who have one miscarriage will go on to have a second one. It's a shame, but just think of the positives, nature decided this one wasn't healthy and you didn't have to make any terrible decisions further down the track. I personally am so thankful for that. I will be thinking of you - please let us know how you go over the next few weeks.

 

stacey - February 2

Lynette, you made me feel a bit better too :)

 

lynette - February 3

No worries, Stacey - you helped me too with the suggestion of the memory box. Pam, are you okay? Thinking of you...

 

stacey - February 5

Pam- how are you doing?

 

Kara - February 14

My situation is very similar. It was our first pregnancy too. Last Wednesday (15 weeks) no heartbeat. I wanted the D&C same day the the Dr made me wait a day to let it all sink in. I know its different for everybody, but knowing that my baby was dead and still inside of me was very upsetting. I was scared of the D&C too, but I couldn't wrap my arms around the loss of my baby with my belly still looking 4 months pregnant. The D&C wasn't bad, and I was less sore than I thought I would be. The full force of the grief didn't kick in until the the next day. I am five days out and starting to feel better, emotionally. I am still very sad, but I went to the grocery by myself and managed to maintain my composure then the clerk asked about the baby. Tomorrow I am going to do my best to returning all the maturnity clothes I bought the day before we found out. My husband is just now starting to deal with his own grief. He was so busy taking care of me the first few days that he was able to not think about his own feelings. So it was really hard for him to go back to work today. I have been told that several of my clients were in tears when they heard the news so I am a little nerveous about going back to work on Thursday. I just don't know if I have it in me to deal with all of that yet. I found it very comforting to know that we were not alone in our "missed miscarriage" and that there are others who lost a baby like we did with no warning.

 

lynette - February 14

Hi Kara. I'm so sorry that you, too, have suffered a loss in this way. You must be very popular and a lovely person to have clients so upset for you. You will find a lot of support in these pages. Please let me know if you need to ask anything, or just vent or get "irrational", as you will go through a mult_tude of emotions, as you have no doubt found out, and it sometimes helps to talk about it with people who understand. Take care.

 

Mandy - February 14

Pam, I too had a DC ..My last period was 11/28, so when I went to the doctor they had me at 5 weeks which I knew was wrong..Then 4 us later all they saw was sac and fetus on 3 us but last Friday doc saw no fetus and the sac was taking on a weird shape so that afternoon I had a DC . Friday was a very long day..Today I'm still cramping and bleeding but I know things happen for a reason so we'll just keep on ttc...Take care and God bless!!

 

Petra - February 15

I had a D/E done on thursday 10 feb. This is three weeks after the U/S showed the baby was only 5 weeks and should have been 8 weeks. B/c this was so early on in the pregnancy it was not as bad to go thru this. After spotting for 24 hours it was a relieve to get confirmation on my suspision. This was my thrid pregnancy and it felt soo different from the other two. I know this could be the case but somehow I knew... Anyway, I waited for a few days and then the bleeding started. I had no idea what to wait for but I finally lost the placenta and sac the night before I went in for the D/E. If I could do it over again I would probably have that D/E done earlier. It is hard to wait, and with the waiting, it also takes longer for your cycle to start up again. Anyway, we have excepted it and are moving on... this would have been our third child and getting pregnant takes not too much effort. We will try again...

 

Kristin - February 15

Hi Pam, I had a similiar situation at 12 weeks, which was on 11/4/04. They could not find the heartbeat, then did the u/s and nothing and then the internal u/s. The sac was fully developed, but no fetus anymore. They said it probably stopped growing around 10 weeks and was absorbed by my body. I had no symptoms that anything was wrong, although some of my pregnancy symptoms started to go away between 10-12 weeks. I didn't suspect anything was wrong since it was the end of the 1st trimester. I had a D&C the next day and the procedure itself was no big deal at all. I did have bleeding for 21 days after though. I was told to wait 2 full cycles to try again, and just found out that I am 5w1d pregnant again. I have an u/d on 3/3, so hopefully this one will be better. A side note, the exact same thing happened to my best friend on 11/29/04. Her doctor gave her some pills to make her miscarry, which she did a few days later, and she did not have to have the D&C, and only had to wait one cycle to try again. She is not about 7w pregnant now. I know it's not much comfort, but there are so many much worse things that can happen, especially later on in pregnancy, that make this seem not so bad. I didn't realize this until talking to other people and hearing their stories though. I certainly understand your grief and disappointment. Good luck and feel free to contact me!

 

Danielle - February 15

I justwent through a miscarriage on my first preg. I had a D&C done last Friday. I still fell very emotional. One of my best friends just found out she is expecting and I had to force myself to be happy and smile. It is very hard at times to keep from crying. I even cry when I see another preg. woman or a newborn baby. I can not wait to ttc again.

 

Kara - February 15

Hello all. For those of you further along in dealing with the loss, when did your emotions start to even out? It will be a week tomorrow. I expect to be sad for quite awhile, but when will I be mostly normal again? I completely had a melt down when I went to buy thank you cards today, and I got really nasty with the bank teller when she questioned the way I filled out a form. This is really not like me. I am usually very together and rational. I have gained 4 pounds from emotional eating. I don't know if anything in my closet is even going to fit when I go back to work thursday. I am having lots of anxiety about going back to work and whether I can keep my emotions in check enough to do my job. Somebody please tell me that it got better when you got back to work!

 

lynette - February 16

Kara, going back to work was something I dreaded. Mainly because I didn't want to face all the "sorry" looks. There really isn't any way around it - you will get them! People will be really uncomfortable and not know what to say - they may even say stuff like "at least it happened early" or "well you can try again" and you might get really angry at those comments. Just remember, they come from a good place - grief is hard for people to watch (not as hard as it is to go through of course). As for the emotional eating - I'm about 4 weeks down the track now and just today gave myself a "mental slap" about the amount of weight I have let myself gain. I think although I have seemed very together on the outside, and have rationalised all of the "bright sides" of this awful experience, I have replaced my grief with eating. You can only take one step at a time, don't be hard on yourself for anything! I'll be thinking of you on Thursday - and I get to Thursday before you (in Australia) so please think of me wishing you well a whole extra day beforehand. Take care :-)

 

stacey - February 16

Kara- I understand the emotional roller coaster you are on. I think I had mine the week after (possibly 2). My poor husband took the brunt of it. One minute I'd be yelling forthe littlest thing, then I'd be hysterically crying at nothing. It does get better!

 

Kara - February 17

Lynette - I made it through first day back at work, but I don't want to go back tomorrow. I managed to keep it together for the entire 10 hour day, but cried the entire drive home. I swear a couple of my clients were trying to make me cry. I had bronchitis around the time that the baby died so I'm dealing with a lot of guilt. I didn't need them to remind me that 101degree temp could have harmed the baby. People just don't think. I really don't want to back there tomorrow. I told my husband that I wouldn't need a new car if I was a stay-at-home-mom to our cats! He said it would be better tomorrow. I doubt it. Stacy - thanks for the moral support!

 

lilian - February 18

Hi Pam, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I went through a m/c in Oct 04...no heart beat, even went for a second opinion because i thought his calculations were incorrect. Ultrasound at 2nd dr office showed that in fact the baby had stopped growing at 5wks. I actually saw that the sack was so much bigger than my little 'b' I was so devasted and I was by myself. It is so difficult to deal with I know. I'm sorry that any of us have to go through such a loss. We're ttc now after the waiting period but no luck yet. I'm 39 so I'm petrified it won't happen again but I'm hopeful. Don't know what you're religion is and please don't take offense I have the best intentions - I found a site to memorialize pregnancy losses www.innocents.com. When you're ready, you should take a look at the site. It allows you to add your babies name to "the book of life" and they send you a certificate or for a donation, they'll send you a rosary. I just opted for the certificate which they email to you. I'm going to put that in a file along with the sonogram prints so I have something atleast to remember the life that might have been. Be well and good luck ttc when you're ready again.

 

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