Not Telling Until 2nd Trimester Bad

15 Replies
Nica - May 8

After having gone through 2 miscarriages (one right now as I type) I just want to say that I hate the idea of people not telling others they are pregnant until the 2nd trimester. It means that when a miscarriage happens to you it feels so BAD.... if you were more aware of how very common it is, I think it wouldn't feel so bad. So for those wondering if they should tell anyone yet of their pregancy, I wish you would tell!!! and then tell if you have a miscarriage! I think it's the best thing for others who have to go through a miscarriage. Okay, my vent and rant are over now!!

 

jojo - May 8

I couldn't agree more. The most helpful thing has been when people share their experience with me, but people only tell you after they know you've mced. It's like a secret club you'd rather not be in.

 

Kathy Z. - May 9

I agree completely! I had my 12wk u/s when I found out I m/c. I was going to tell everyone at my work the day after my u/s that I was preg., and instead I had to call my boss and tell him I wasn't going to be in for a week because I m/c. It was so horrible! I didn't get to share any of the joy of my first three months w/ anyone, and then everyone found out that I had been pregnant anyway! I also found out that 9 other girls at my work had also had m/c. I had no idea how common it was! Now I have support at work and we talk all the time. Next time I get pregnant, I'm going to tell everyone as soon as I find out! Good luck to everyone!

 

Jess - May 9

I also agree. I told family and very close friends that I was pregnant. When I mc at 11 weeks it was actually a comfort to me becuase many women that I did tell had gone through a mc. I've thought about when I do get pregnant again, if I should wait to tell everyone. It was nice having people around that knew what I was going through. I'll proabably do the same thing next time.

 

Alicia - May 10

I think it's great that you have been able to receive support through your losses from ppl in your lives but not everyone receives that kind of support when ppl know about the losses. I tell ppl about the losses I have experienced (4 m/c's, one of which was a partial molar pregnancy) but I did keep my pregnancies a secret from most ppl at the time I was pregnant and until I was ready to talk about it, I still only tell ppl I decide to tell, my il's don't know and will probably find out one day but not from us, maybe from someone else slipping. The first time I was pregnant I told ppl and I learned my lesson, I am now 34 weeks pregnant and waited until I was 13 weeks to tell everyone and would have waited longer but had to tell b/c it changed our wedding plans. For an example of why I keep them a secret I was at my mil's house one day and they were discussing a family member who had a loss at 18 weeks and two ectopics and saying how she needs to get over it and on with her life and the only one she has a right to grieve is the loss she experienced at 18 weeks b/c she carried it the longest, b/c the ectopics were early losses they don't matter and shouldn't be upsetting and mil actually had the nerve to say "well I've never had a m/c to know what it's like but she needs to forget about it". This woman lost both her tubes to the ectopic pregnancy and her only chance was then IVF and they thought it was no big deal and she had no right to be upset! I am so glad they didn't know about my losses (well actually one girl did and she still went along with this conversation knowing what I'd been through). My mil even turned to me and said "well you had a hard time at first but now you're better off right?" I guess my face went red when I asked exactly what she meant by that b/c she studdered out how poorly I did in the beginning and how much better I am now 2 years later (her thinking I hadn't been pregnant since), hmmm I almost f*cking died and was supposed to look healthy right away after? I hemorrhaged so badly I went into shock and almost died and this is what she says to me about the only loss she knows about, I'm sorry that for 3 weeks I would pa__s out everytime I moved too quickly or that I was so anemic or how for the first days I couldn't take 19 steps without blacking out but I am so glad that I look better now, 2 years later than I did then. I should also mention that mil never saw me cry or grieve so she had no idea how hard it was on me in any way other than physically. So I don't think it is fair for you to generalize that everyone should be open about their pregnancies and losses when some ppl are not supportive and we go through more pain dealing with them then grieving with the select few ppl we trust enough to tell. I can't imagine what my mil would have said if she knew about all my losses and in a way I really hope it upsets her she didn't know the day she does find out b/c it is her fault we couldn't tell her b/c of her att_tude towards it and I look forward to the day I get a guilt trip about it as I know I will.

 

Laura - May 11

I don't know this was my first m/c and I live away from our families. We told everyone we were pregnant. But it was awful to sit and make calls telling everyone I lost my baby. I felt like I was putting people on the spot to say something. I also ended up feeling alot of hurt because some people said things like better now, it's not like you loved the baby yet. There was something wrong with it. Gee that made me feel worse! I know they were trying to help, but not everyone knows what to say.

 

aa - May 11

Hi Nica, sorry for your loss, I hope that you are doing much better now. I kept both my preganacies a secret and I intend on doing that all the time. There is no point the first 3 months are the most critical - if I wanted support then I'd tell the ppl closest to me, and not everyone...

 

laurie k - May 11

I have not posted here before. I have to say that this is a personal decision and each woman needs to decide this for herself. Telling people who are close to you in the beginning and not the whole world seems like the best option for me. That way you have the support of your closest loved ones whichever way it goes without having to call everyone else and give the bad news. The three month mark does not seem like a magic number anyway. A dear friend of mine just lost her baby at 15 weeks, with no signs that anything was going wrong. Another friend lost her baby at 8 months (she almost died from the complications) and co-worker lost her baby at 5 months. Granted, it is rarer, but it can happen. Do what you think is best for yourself.

 

crisy - May 11

When I first found out I was pregnant I was so happy that I could not keep my mouth shut. Everybody found out. Then, I was having cramps and spotting and everybody at work was telling me that I was overreacting. Then the doctor put me on bed rest and then I miscarried. Next time that I will get pregnant I think that I won't be able to shut my mouth and I think that I am going to tell. I just wish that when a pregnant woman had complications, the coleagues at work should be supportive instead of telling her that she is overreacting. Any thoughts??? Thanks for your advice

 

Kathy Z. - May 11

Hi Crisy, I'm so sorry you had to go through that. I think one of the reasons people are so incentive is because they really don't know how common a m/c is, and they automatically a__sume that everything will be fine one you are pregnant. That is another reason I want to tell everyone when I get pg next time, because if something does go wrong again (god forbid), I want to educate people about it. Right now it seems like m/c is so taboo in our society, and that's the main reason we don't tell until 3 months, just in case something happens. I think more people need to understand how common it is for things to go wrong, and then maybe they will be more sympathetic. I'm sorry that you had to deal with those inconsiderate people!

 

Julie - May 11

When I get pg again I am telling all my friends and family right away. Maybe not work people, but friends and family. We told no one last time. My mother found out the day I miscarried because I needed someone to go to the doctor with me and my husband was away on business and I needed the extra support. Everytime my friends have told everyone before the 12 week period I was always worried something was going to happen, but they went on to have heathly pregnancies. I get pregnant and don't tell anyone waiting for the 12 weeks and boom, I am the one who has the m/c. Since no one in my family knew, they all want to know when we are going to have kids, little do they know that we lost one. I don't bring it to there attention because I don't want them to feel bad (they aren't being mean when they ask). GOD FORBID THIS SHOULD HAPPEN TO ANY OF US AGAIN!! Sending much baby dust to all and HAPPY HEALTHY PREGANANCIES for those that are pregnant and those us of who will be.

 

gdetec - June 14

I understand totally how you feel also. I am in an occupation where I had to tell them as soon as I knew. I also so told some close friends about the baby, but I am now between 8-10 weeks pregant, and I feel as if I am going through a blighted ovum, because they can't see a baby, just the sac. I have also had 2 miscarriages in the past. This will be the third 4 years. You are right that a lot of women are going through the same thing. I guess it bothersome to me having to go and retract the story or having to keep reliving the same thing over and over again. I just say that you have to keep the faith and go on. It does get hard though. Good luck to everyone, just keep trying that what my husband and I are planning to do.

 

Kara - June 15

Not to be all negitive, but I did wait until 12 weeks to tell everyone and then I m/c at 15 weeks. Then I got pregnant again three months later only to miscarried at 4 weeks. I found out the day before I went on vacation that I was pregnant that time, then lost the pregnancy the day I got home so I had not even had time to tell anyone. For me that was harder because everyone around me didn't know so they were their normal selves around me. Of course I was hateful and moody and they didn't understand why. For the people I did tell that I had lost another baby, they were not nearly as super supportive as they were the first time when they had experieced the joy with me of the coming baby. I don't think it was that they didn't care, they just didn't think I cared as much this time since I hadn't shared the news. Something bad can happen to the pregnancy even up to day you give birth so waiting to tell people doesn't make much sense to me. I suppose you could wait until you bring the baby home from the hospital, but I think people would figure it out before then.

 

Diana - June 16

Hi My thoughts are with you , I am so sorry. I found your comments interesting. I had a miscarriage in Jan 04 @ 13 wks, and one in Nov [email protected] the end of 4 mths.(Had to deliver, in hospital for 10 days, my body would not let go) Just found out I am pregnant today, my hubby doesnt want to say anything to 2nd trimester. Im not sure. Our other kids 8 and 11 were so emotionally upset after Nov, anyone out there have any advice. While I am still optimistic and nervous, dont even want to think abt it yet

 

tracy - June 17

i m/c just over 3 weeks ago, when i found out i was pg i told every1, i couldnt keep it in, i had to tell work friends because i couldnt do any lifting etc but i ended up tellin loads of other ppl too, when i lost my baby my close friends tried to tell as many ppl as possible to save me the upset of havin to do it but i still get the odd person asking me how i am n patting their stomach, or asking if i'm still gettin the sickness, it's awful having to tell them that u've lost the baby, i start to get upset again n they dont know what to say, i think i'll tell very few ppl if i fall pregnant again, i'm not sure what to do about my children tho, they've coped quite well (they're 10 and 6) but i dont think i wanna put them thru it again altho i dunno if i could hide it from them, like some1 else said, it's a personal choice, there's not a wrong or right answer is there? i'll just have to deal with it when/if the time comes, good luck to you all!!

 

Jackie - June 17

My personal guideline is...only tell the people who you wouldn't be able to keep a miscarriage from. Nothing bothers me more than the sympathy of strangers.

 

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