Our Loss And Some Advice For My Wife Needed

13 Replies
Daddy T - April 12

Today, my wife goes in for a D&C, we found out last friday, this is was the most devestating news I have ever had.I am the father. It is killing me inside to see what this has done to me and my wife,We are both Christians and trying to accept GODS decission. It wasn't in his plan, and I forgive him for taking our baby. It sadens me to see my wife suffer mentally,emitionally and physically. I hope and pray to GOD that she will be ok. I am not trying to scare anyone, but I thought her going for her ultra sound that evything was going to be ok. We were wrong. I have a 6yr old son and everytime I see him, I just want to hug and and kiss him and thnak GOD for him being in my life. I am so gratefull that I have been blessed to have my son and my wife(My son is from my previous marriage). My wife Tanya, loves him to death and is the best thing that ever happened to me and my boy. I just wish that my son could have had a brother or sister. Now I am dead scared to try again. I haven't told her, but I am not sure I want ot try and go through this again. I lvoe my wife dearly an d would do anything for her. We were married Jan 12, and conceived the baby on our wedding night or the night before. We were so happy as we were trying. I willdo whatever I can to support my wife through this time but it is hard. I tryto keep composure at home but once I leave the house or go to work, all I do is cry and feel so sad. This loss really hurts bad. I can't even imagine what she is thinking, Yesterday we recieved some flowers from a X-friend of hers sayiong be strong. I say x-friend because the woman on her wedding shower said don't marry him and then insulted my mother so bad,she cried all the way home. I am a typical German, hard headed. I believe you hurt my wife, my mom, I have no use for that person. Not to add she is a pot smoking teacher that is extremly immature and always wanted my wife to hit the bars and party all night long and toally disrespect my feelings and Tanyas that she is a mom and has a family. Her fiend only thought of herself and he wants and needs. If she was a realy friend she would have never said Don't marry me and also called to congraduate us on thw edding which she never did. My wife is stubborn too (both aries) and she can't see that this woman has only caused our marriage and dating harm. She is a bad person and probably good in some ways but only caused us fights. I just wish my wife would see the light. Since we haven't spoke to her x -friend, the issue has never arrose until we got the flowers. In my mind Flowers don't cut it. I told my wife that she will never step foot in our home and I want nothing to do with her. I also said that you are a big girl and kae your own deicsions., My wife will get hurt again, if she hangs out with her again. My wife cried for a week after her wedding shower because her frind runied it for her....What do I do, let my wife get hurt again, or stand tall? I sincerely believ ein my heart that blood is thicker than water. I know my wife isn't blood but she is my wife,my life, my family and I will be there for her until I am 6ft under through thick and thin, for better and obviouslly for worse. I wwould walk on fire, through broken glass naked for my wife. I don't need her friend in our lives,Not now especially and not ever. If I had a friend who did this to me, I would sincerely appreciate my wife openeing my eyes to a selfish person and help me make the right decision. Sorry that was off topic. All this in 3 days......Calgon, take me away,lamo...DId I mention I tell jokes too, Thats one thing my wife always says I do, try to make her laugh. Aside form the fact I house clean,fix cars, maintain the house finacially and cleaning, I think I am a pretty good catch. A little stubborn,ok alot stubborn. I have my beiliefs, morals and values and instill them in life. She sis a f ew years younger than me and I try without being a father figure to help her not get hurt I am sure any person can repsct that. I will noever let anyone hurt my wife, my family. You hurt them, you hurt me and I take it personally. Today we are both hurt. Tomorrow is another day and with Gods help, I pray we are ok,,,,,nuff siad for now, Some repsonse is appreciated

 

Alison - April 12

Daddy T, I am so very sorry for your loss and the difficult situation regarding your wife's x-friend. It must be so hard when you want to protect her from further hurt. I will pray for you both and I hope if this person is set on being in your lives again that they have changed their ways and will not bring any more pain into your lives. If not I hope they will leave things alone. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby-I have had 2 miscarriges (we have been trying for a year now) and am still waiting and trusting God for our first child. I'm not letting go of the hope that He will bless us with a baby. The thought of trying again is obviously very hard for you just now and that's understandable. Take things one day at a time and as the days and weeks go by you might feel more able to take that step forwards and hope for another baby. Your lost baby will always be precious to you and even though they weren't here long they were loved and a big part of your lives. Hoping for another baby does not change that. I'm so sorry you've been through alot and my thoughts are with you. By the way I think my husband would relate to alot of what you said, he is very protective of me and I love the fact that he is. I hope you both receive the care and support you both need just now. You sound like a loving and genuine person and I pray you will have a little brother or sister for your son soon. Take care and please post again to say how things are doing x

 

To Daddy T - April 12

Women's relationships with other women are different than that of men with men, let her make her own decisions on her friends. Also, instead of being strong in front of her and being upset when you leave the house, share your grief with her.

 

Allie - April 12

I agree, you should share your grief, but I would be careful about how you tell her about your feelings on not wanting to try again right away. I know for me one of my biggest fears was that my husband wouldn't want to try again right away, and luckily for me he decided that it was up to me when we would try again. I would have been heartbroken if he had asked me to wait.

 

Daddy T - April 13

The decision of her x-friend is completely up to her,all I know is that when that woman was in our lives it caused us grief. I have faith in my wife and she is a big girl and can make her own decisions.Im alittle older and wiser and been burnt before myself. As for making a baby it is up to both of us. Myself Id like to wait, but ultimately, I will leave everything up to her and just support her decisions in life, whether I like them or not.

 

holly - April 14

Daddy T i am so sorry for your loss i can honestly say i know how you feel i stated dating my husband when i was 16 and am know 22 i got pregnant shortly after we got togather. i had a m/c and then another. my husband lost a lot of friends because he was with me, he liked to spend time with me then going out and getting in to truble, i say if they don't like that we are togather and happy then take a hike and kiss my ... well anyway we got married when i was 19 just out of high school and got pregnant on our wedding night i was so scared to be a mother, and yet so happy to get the chance to bring a baby into the world but my happiness didn't last long, yes i m/c again. the dr told me "that it was normal to m/c 1 in 5 woman m/c there first pregnancy " after that my husband and i wanted to have a baby, new we are up to 5 m/c and 1 that i had to abort that was the worst thing i ever had to do. i would rather die before i ever go through that again and yet we are still tring for that family we so much want. the pain of a m/c never goes way you just got to deal with it, sometimes you got to go through the bad to get to the good. best of luck and i will be praying for you both.

 

Daddy T - April 22

Today, my wife left me. A few days ago she told me she was so depressed that she might hurt my 6 yr old son, me or herself. I suggested her to get help, the very next day she says I am off to the bars to have fun!!! I said, how is this possible that you feel so down but need to go be in a singles bar??? I pushed it too far and said NO bars for a married woman, Its unchrisitan and unmoral in a marriage to be around single men trying to get laid. I said we need some time apart...a day, a week or? I came home today and she was loking for an apartment and told me the marriage is over :(......................... I am deviated, it crushed my son, We are both broekn hearted, worried of her well being. I seriously would like to die at this point, but I wouldn't do that to myself, my son or my wife(no specific order). I would take my wife back in aheart beat. I love my wife more than anything in this world. My world as I know today, came to an end. I am so hurting and don't think my wife is speaking rastionally, or logically. I think she has had a push from her meddeling mother a friend as listed above or ??? I regret saying to my wife to leave the other day. I was fearful of our safety. It was only 1 and a half week ago, we lost the baby. She is so f*cked up right now. I pray to almighty GOD that she comes home to her family. I miss her so much. Its only been 8 hours since i have seen her and it feels like a lifetime. We were married 4 months ago. The happiest day in my life. Today, I want to die.Not literally, just feel that way. I would cut my arm off and give her my heart all over again, to tell her I love her just once more and ask her to come home. GOD PLEASE HELP

 

Athiest - April 23

This is the problem with people who look to god for the answer to their questions, the questions to their lives, and the reason for their existence. Instead of hoping for god to help you, and praying to him to make things work out ok, you need to get off your own a__s and work on your marriage in the real world. You say you would be THERE for her through thick and thin, and then she says she is in pain and you ask her to separate? even for a short time? and now what do you do - pray??? Honestly, if you cared about this real person as much as you do in an imaginary god, your marriage might stand a chance.

 

Andrea - April 23

Hi Daddy T - I also just lost my baby too. I found out when we had the ultrasound on April 20th (my husband's birthday). I just had the D&C done. It is devistating to lose a child so I know exactly what you're both going through and I'm very sorry for your loss. We are also Christian and we believe that this is God's will. We were told at the Dr. office that most miscarriages that happen in the first trimester is due to the baby not developing correctly. So we believe that God showed mercy on our baby and took the child to heaven at this early stage because He probably new that we couldn't handle it. Don't get discouraged. I know it's painful. My mother-in-law had 7 miscarriages. They are common - unfortunately. But she was able to have 5 children. So don't let one miscarriage stop you from having more children. Put your trust in God and He will provide for you.

 

Daddy T - April 23

my wife went to the hospital yesterday with severe belleding, called me and then came home, After a very long talk we decided to work it out. I WILL and she will get therapy in several different forms. I promised her with all my life I would as my wife means absolutely everything to me. I love my wife more than own life itself. Bar none. I thank GOD for answering my prayers and GOD does help. If anyone doesn't believe in GOD, it will come some time in youre life. GOD does provide, does answer whether it is the right answer or not. I have accpeted GODS decision is tkaing the baby, still sad, still hurt. I have my wife with me and thats all that matters to me in my life. Yesterday, I felt like I died, or something in me died. Today, I feel reborn, and thankfull for first having GOD in my life and second for haing my wife by myside. I love her more than anything. I will prove to myself, her, and eveyone else that life can go on, and we can make it work as a team. As equals, as partners, as lovers, as my best friend. I support my wife and love her beyaond anyones recognition. I thank you all for my support. I thank GOD. God Bless you all, I will keep you posted as to how we are doing. T&T in Canada

 

Athiest - April 23

Why do christians always think that believing in god will happen "sometime" in people's lives?! When I see people converting when they are having hard times and turning to religion in times of adversity, it only makes me more cynical of the whole thing. People ask god for strength and then, with the placebo effect, they get through something, and then don't realise it was the power in themselves that made it happen all along. It's not god's will when you lose a baby, it's frickin' nature. It's not god who helps you get through a miscarriage through prayer, if anything it's the positive affirmations that prayer represents that helps you - and that comes from you, not from "god". Anyway, you say your wife is now "by your side" which is a good start. And you are both getting counselling, which is also great. I wish you both the best of luck and hope that you use whatever it takes - religion or otherwise - to get through this.

 

daddy T, mommy T - April 23

We will and thank you for your thoughts christian or unchristian. Positive afirmations help always in life. I am a born again Christian, and was not going through hell, drugs or alcohol when it happened. I was actually getting along in life pretty darn good. It just happened. Plain and simple. My wife was a christian before I met her. She never pushed. I came to God and God came to me. Nothing significant happened to me that I ran to GOD in some sort of yerning way. It just happened. Funny thing is , that I spoke just like you do about religion. I am far from perfect, far from a model christian, but I just try to be th best person I can be, with God in my life and do the best I can. I am no bible thumper standing on a street corner holding a bible. I have a faith, proud of it and practice the best I can with the way society is. God only gives us what we can handle. I can honestly say that without god in mylife now, that Id be alot more messed up over my wife and the loss of our baby. To each their own, buddist,catholic,muslim, to each his own, or non believer. I am a Christian.and proud of it. Whether you want to beleive it, my wife will agree to thsi comment as she sits next to me as I type......Without God, I would not be with my wife. Best Wishes and no harm meant against your non beliefs.

 

Athiest - April 23

Good luck to you both. Support each other and love each other and soon you will be blessed. You say your wife got pregnant on your wedding night - well maybe you hadn't been through any problems before in your relationship and your baby was sent to you to teach you how to work through things together - I've heard bringing up children is pretty challenging! Encourage your wife to become active on this forum too, as the women on here are very helpful and all know what she is going through. Good luck.

 

holly - April 24

i almost left my husband when i had my last m/c but he would not let me i still feel that if i leave him maybe he can someday have the family that he wants so bad that i can't give him. i talked to him about it and you know what his answer was? " i don't want a family with out you." i think thats what made me stay. and the fact i really don't want to go back to my mom and dad's. they drive me nuts. the reason i turned to alcohol was it made me feel better i thought, but when i came out of the fog i still felt just as bad. I like to see the way you are holding to to god, most people turn away from god i did i went to church today for the first time in nearly 2 years (since my last m/c) and it felt good to be in church. good luck and best wishes

 

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