Please Help Me I Am Devasted

33 Replies
karen goode - May 25

My doctor told me yesterday that I am perimenapausal. My Fsh level is 17.6. He said i have a 50/50 chance of having a baby but that baby may have chromosonal abnormalities. I am only 35. I can't believe this is happening to me. My mother had me at 39. I still have to go in on the 31st to have the hysterosalpinogram. He said if i am not pregnant next month he wants to repeat the FSH test. I never thought they would find anything wrong with me. I am devasted that i might not be able to have children. He said worse case scenario we can use the donor egg program. Please help me i am destroyed.

 

Eva29 - May 25

I just wanted to offer my support. I don't know much about your specific case but I do have a friend who was told that because of a medical condition that she would have a very very difficult time getting pregnant and that she would prob need ivf etc... In the end she conceived natually and accidentally! Please stay positive and vent as much as you need to!

 

karen goode - May 25

Thank you so much. I can conceive I have had 2 mc since 12/05. My doctor told me this is why I am prbably miscarrying. I appreciate your support I am trying to be strong.

 

Morrison1 - May 25

Karen, even a 50/50 chance is still a chance. Keep your head up and try to stay positive because the stress, fear and anxiety won't help. Have you thought at all about alternative healing? I have been seeing an acupuncturist and have been having very good results. We are fairly certain my 2 m/c are due to short luteal phase and lack of good circulation. I also take 300 mg of prog a day (pill form) as a supplement, and that's pretty low as a dose). I still haven't seen af since m/c #2, but my luteal phase has lasted 3 days longer than it used to. Anyway...I am not sure about my fsh since I haven't been able to have that test yet, but I really believe that our bodies are stronger and more capable of handling these adversities than we give them credit for. A blend of western medicine with something more natural might be a good thing to explore and help you put your mind at peace while you wait it out. I have become MUCH calmer about this since the first m/c, although I still have fears here and there (I am a few months shy of 37, if you remember). Anyway...just a thought. Based on your postings (and please don't take this wrong) to be somewhat anxious and stressed about it all (which is perfectly normal), but unfortunately, that might just complicate your problem. Anyway, I hope I am not coming across wrong...I just think it is important to remember that the more worked up we get, the less likely we will be to get pg. My dh's sil m/c at 12 wks (baby died at 7) 3 years ago. She is more of a type a personality, and very high stress. They tried naturally and had one IVF treatment in the next 2 years and nothing happened. She started fertility treatments via acupuncture and conceived almost immediately. She gave birth two weeks ago yesterday to a beeautiful baby boy. Good luck and take care.

 

JuJu - May 27

Karen; I can't imagine how devastating this news must be for you; but please don't give up hope yet - not whilst there's still potential avenues for you! Like Morrison, I have heard several success stories of women who were in a similar position to yourself. The body is an amazing organ - and in some circ_mstances, pre-menopausal symptoms can be delayed - by both natural and medical treatments. I am not a Doctor so I am not sure if you fall into this category.....but I am sure that all is not lost for you. I wish you all the best Karen - thinking of you and sending lots of positive thoughts your way. JuJuXO

 

karen goode - May 27

JuJu thank you so much it's been awhile since we have spoken. I hope you are doing well. I am in a depression. On the outside I look fine. I laugh and go to parties, see friends. I am a strong person but when I am alone I cry. I just can't wrap my brain around this. I am only 35. I know we have options such as a donor egg or adoption. I always thought I would have my own baby. I imagined if it would have my eyes, hair, etc.. My husband has been very supportive but does not feel the same way. I know if we adopt I would love that baby as my own. All I am saying is that I want to procreate a part of me. I am having such a hard time. If we do conceive again how can i be optimistic that i will not miscarry after what the doctor said. Anyway thank you for all your support.

 

JuJu - May 29

Karen; I have been thinking of you a lot recently; wondering how you are and hoping you're ok. I can't imagine how difficult this must all be for you. I understand what you're saying about appearing ok on the surface, but suffering on the inside. Soon after my 2nd miscarriage, I told my DH about how difficulot it was to 'move on' - it felt like my 'outside' self was going through the motions, pretending to be normal; whilst my core self was right back at that moment when I knew my baby had died again. Even now, 3 months later, I sometimes feel like I have been frozen in time, back to that minute when I was having my u/s, looking at my beautiful little baby, perfect except for no HB. I am also at a higher risk of m/c, due to an auto-immune disorder that I have......I am very fortunate in that I have a 19 month-old DD - and since having my recent m/c's I can see how she is truly a miracle. Karen, I have heard so many stories over the years about women who had been told that their chances of conceiving and carrying to term were low.....who ended up beating the odds and having beautiful babies. I agree with Morrison too; it's definitely worth looking into alternative healing. In the meantime; perhaps you can fully launch yourself into other things in your life - something to distract you and give you some balance. Anyway, thinking of you lots. {{{Big Hugs}}} XO juju

 

Morrison1 - May 29

On the heels of what Juju said, my doctor once said to me that, in a hypothetical world, he would love to be able to tell some women he works with that they "couldn't conceive" because it would take the pressure off of them TO conceive, if that makes sense. In the long run, it would settle their minds into a different place and they would relax some. In most cases, that would ALLOW them to conceive. I don't mean to sound cold or anything, really...because I don't know exactly what you are going through or how it feels exactly (though I have issues of my own that scare me and an uncertain future as well), but it seems to me you might want to consider stretching out well beyond this board (which, let's face it, it overrun with stories of loss because that is it's purpose) to somewhere you can find some positive, inner healing (albeit natrurally based or not). I love this board for what it has brought me in terms of support and am very thankful, but I know that some days, it's just hard for me to open because it also reminds me of all the pain and trauma our experiences have caused and it is hard to always hear of the BFPs when I am still reeling from m/c #2. It's all natural and you have good reason to fear and be anxious...but that anxiety will eat you up. It's my true belief that you must try to calm your soul down a little, through whatever means possible, so your body can try to work through and overcome the special adversity it is facing right now. It is also my belief that it CAN happen, but you have to get your head and heart in the right place, which may take a little time. There ARE positive stories out there and you must believe. JUJU...I hope you are doing well. It must be of some relief to know exactly what you are up against so you can prepare for it.

 

karen goode - May 29

THank you ladies for your support. It helped to spend this 3 day weekend wiht my husband. He makes me laugh and is just so great. I went toda yes, Memorial Day for bloodwork to test for pregnancy which I am not but they need to make sure before I have the HSG on wed.. I am so scared to have it done. I truly appreciate your advice. I know that positive thinking has alot to do with your overall health it's just that just when I started to apply that way of thinking to my life my doctor called with my FSH levels. After the HSG if everything is o.k we will ttc agian asap. I feel so pressed for time right now. I am doing well all things considering. I went to Church and spoke to my Priest which did help. I took some pamphlets from the IVF office regarding accupuncture but our ins. co does not cover it. Anyway, we are just going to keep ttc again until it gets to be too much. I am nervous about having a baby with chrom. abnormalities b/c I am at risk. I won't allow that fear to stand in our way though. I hope you ladies are doing well. I don't know if you are from the U.S so I am sorry for being presumptious regarding my Mem. Day comment.

 

Kristine - May 29

Morrison, What you wrote above is exactly how I am feeling but cannot put into words. Some days I don't want to come onto the boards. I want to believe in the positive and stop getting down by reading all the sadness. I believe we will be given the green light to ttc this month and I may move away temporarily from the boards as hard as it may be. I will go to Reiki again and keep positive thoughts. I find myself consumed by the threads sometimes and it's not good for my psyche.

 

Morrison1 - May 30

Kristine - if you think moving away from the boards for a little bit is a good thing, then you are probably right. Go with what your gut is telling you. I definitely understand that and feel the same way. We all work through this experience at our own pace and in our own way. While, on one hand, there is so much support here that can not often be found elsewhere, it can also be difficult. I have found, after my second m/c, that it is hard to open this board at times. Some days, I am not in the ready to see that someone else has gotten their BFP or pa__sed their first milestone, or made it to the first trimester or that someone else has lost another baby. It is like what happens when I talk to people (in person) about my m/cs. Just about every time I have told someone, they will offer up a story of someone who has gone through multiple m/c or some other horrible stale (the one I heard this weekend was about a woman who lost twin boys during the 9th month) about pregnancy loss. I know they are trying to be supportive, and sometimes it helps...but I realize in their attempts to relate, or make me feel less alone, they are really just depressing me a bit more. I am certain they would never walk up to a pregnant woman and tell them a story about loss or m/c...but they tell me. I feel like I have heard every story there is to hear, and sometimes...I just can't bring myself to read it or hear it any more. Anyway...I think it's natural. Sorry...I know this was long. Take care of yourself and take some time for you if that is what you need. This board sure isn't going anywhere.

 

Morrison1 - May 30

that was supposed to say "tale" instead of "stale".

 

JuJu - May 30

Morrison; I share many of your sentiments. Depending on the thread, it is sometimes hard to read about other peoples bfp's, pregnancies etc. I joined this forum in January, after my first miscarriage......I fell pregnant again straight away, so I joined a thread for women who had m/c'd but were pregnant again......then when I m/c'd again in March I just didn't know where I belonged! Most of the original women on that thread are (thankfully) still pregnant, and I am so happy for them.....but it's still difficulyt to hear about their pregnancies. I guess the difficult thing for me, is the realisation that the dark days of m/c may not be over for me. And I'm not being negative; just trying to balance being positivity with the facts! And knowing that I am more likely to miscarry again than the average woman - well, it terrifies me. But not enough to stop me from ttc again! I think I fall into the 'glutton for punishment' pile!! :) Karen; hope you're doing ok hon {{HUGS}} Kristine; I have heard really good things about Reiki - thinking of trying it myself, to dust off some of the negative energy left-over from my m/c's.

 

HopefulK - May 30

Morrison,Juju, Kristine and Karen, I completely get what you mean about this. After my first loss I was totally comforted by this site, and during my near losses within that pregnancy, everyone was so helpful. After my second loss (maybe because it was so close to the first loss?) I found it really difficult to be on the website, particularly with women who got their bfp at the same time and were doing well. Not that I begruge them at all and I pray both them and their little ones do fab, but it was just hard 'cos that wasn't me and I so wanted it to be. I suppose I was jelous really. That is hard to admit, 'cos it sounds mean, but its true. 'Hi I'm Hopeful and I'm jelous of pregnant women'. How sad is that! Now I'm happy to say I'm in a better place and I am looking forward to starting to try again at the beginning of Aug, so its a more positive place and its much easier to rejoin and feel the support again and offer some support myself. The dark days will always be there and we all, I think, carry this dark part of our hearts that belong to our babies we can't hold. We all have been through some really tough stuff, so I feel we should be good to ourselves. Karen and Kristine, I hope you remember to do that and I really hope you find some peace. It is out there, you can reach it, it just takes time. Sending hugs and soft kisses for our angels. xx

 

karen goode - May 30

I know exactly what you are saying. Somedays I feel this site is more detrimental to my psyche than positive. However, it really helps me when I need to vent. It is a great board and I don't feel so alone but sometimes it makes me feel more down,.

 

Morrison1 - June 1

Hi Karen - hope you are doing well. I just got my FSH test back yesterday and it's 11.2. It's not what I expected, either. I was shocked, so now I DO understand what you are feeling. My doc didn't give me odds or tell me I was perimenipausal...all she said was that my FSH could be the cause of my 2 m/c and that it is closer to normal than abnormal but it is high enough to warrant seeing a fertility specialist. Not what I wanted to hear. So, I have found on the internet that some tests will say anything under a 14 or 15 is fine while others say 10 is the cutoff. Seems fishy, but I a__sume my doc knows how her numbers fall within the ranges. I have been doing acupuncture and will keep doing that, but I am a little stumped on whether to go see a fertility person yet. I saw on another thread your hist turned out fine. I guess I didn't realize they could SEE how your ovaries were. How long did it take for you to get in and get this all done? We were hoping to ttc again this month, which would be next weekend for bd'ing. Oh the drama of all this. Ugh.

 

Kristine - June 2

Karen and Morrison, Looks like I am joining you for high FSH levels. :-( We have just come from the RE with the results. My Day 3 FSH was 8.7. On Day 10, it was 13. The RE said there is a chance there are still healthy ovaries but it's a game of chance to conceive with one of them. She wants me to start the baby aspirin and then progesterone 3 days after ovulation. I should be O'ing this weekend so it's a scary thing to ttc. She said I am born with my eggs and nothing can "fix" it. The only option right now is PGD but that will cost close to 12,000 and it's not guaranteed. She also emntioned Accupuncture and gave us a referral. Insurance does not cover it. Do you know how much it generallly costs?

 

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