Hi ladies...I cannot believe I am even looking at this kind of stuff again, I thought this sad chapter of my life had ended. I will be 37 this year and I have not been pregnant since 12/03. The scoreboard leading up to that was 4 m/c and the 1 ectopic that exploded my left fallopian tube. At 26 yrs old, in between the 3rd & 4th m/c I had laperoscopy/hysteroscopy and told that my old ruptured appendix had poisoned my right fallopian tube and it was stuffed like a sausage...I even got to see the pictures, in color.In addition, I was diagnosed stage 3 endometriosis w/adhesions (that was no surprise since I have suffered horribly every month since I was 16. The adhesions / endo was all outside of my uterus, and that was the most pathetic part-my uterus was a perfect pink little easter egg (saw that too)...but evidently incapable of carrying a pregnancy to term. I gave up at 27 and divorced at 28. The ectopic was a surprise a year later and I came very close to bleeding to death. The surgeon told me if I lived, I would probably never conceive again, and getting pregnant on my own would be all but impossible (he gave an outside 25% chance in perfect conditions, but after 4 m/c the conditions are anything but perfect.) I got a copper IUD 4/04 and closed the book on my reproductive life.
Fast forward 8 years to now...happily married to my 2nd husband for 3 years and so glad that life had other plans for me and I for it. He has no children at 45 and never wanted any. I went back to get my master's degree and felt a strong sense of pride in being a NON breeder-I felt powerful, and have had the strongest sense of self that I have had in my adult life. That debilitating depression finally gave way to 'life' a couple of years ago and I was OK to be 'me'. I finally didn't want to die every time I thought about how long life was going to be and how worthless I felt.
Then my IUD slipped (ouch) and had to be removed 4 months ago. It had done its job for 7 years so my husband volunteered to get snipped. In between that time we got careless with the condoms and something has happened...my period was on time Jan 3, 2011 and HORRIBLE and heavy to the point I thought I must be hemorrhaging. But I lived, like always, and was due again for another miserable period on 2/1. INSTEAD, I got mild, laughably mild, cramps on the 1/28 and bled just a bit. No more cramps after about an hour (they were really not even cramps) I did not even fill one tampon, but the blood was dark and lasted maybe an hour or two. After that some brownish spotting for a day then NOTHING.
This is the first period like this in my life. All m/c were a BFP then 2-3 wks later the blood test saying that my HCG was dropping and the usual "This is not a viable pregnancy". Then followed by the physically and emotionally painful miscarriages.
So, realizing the danger I may have put myself in AGAIN all these years later... I angrily, but curiously, took a HPT...saw the faintest positive in the world....maybe even evap line? Took another HPT in the morning 1/29...negative. Now I'm hooked right back to where I thought I'd left off in my 20s...my phantom pregnancy taking over my life...I must pee on every stick made by every company on earth until I am satisfied that no means NO.
Took a digital CBE on 2/2...negative (even says "NOT PREGNANT"..who's vicious marketing idea was that? Anyone who is a recurrent m/c or TTC can understand me here, WTF? If it must say something, YES or NO will do just fine...geez.)
ANYWAY, by this time I am totally distracted by all this. Pregnancy symptoms seem to be there, but all could be peri-menopause, couldn't they?
Bought 3 more hpt today at the dollar store...all negative (took them all at once, and stupidly in the middle of the day after holding my pee until I thought I would burst for 2.5 hours) Negative Negative Negative.
Still feel "pregnant"..tired, off and on weepy. Sneezed all morning for 2 days, small nose bleed yesterday, craved & ate teriyaki chicken and rice at 10am 3 days ago, cm is wetter & thicker, just a little bit nauseous...maybe? -but none of this matters, I swear I cannot judge a 'symptom' from a 'psych-out' and I am desperately trying to stave off depression. I never wanted to go through this again. I have been propelled back to the darkest time in my life and I never even saw it coming. The WANT is there and the desperation is palpable and cannot be reasoned with.
The reality is, even if I COULD conceive and was positively pregnant, I have never been able to carry to term and worse than that, it is much more likely that if I were pregnant it would be ectopic. From what I understand, after 1 ectopic your chances are great for a second and since I only have one tube that is supposedly stuffed (never did the dye test) chances are not good.
So why does every negative test hurt so much? Why does the fact that I cannot have a child hurt so much after all these years? I thought I didn't want this anymore.
And where the **** was my regular period this month? I am only 36..my mom got pregnant at 36 and her mother had her last baby at 46. My mother didn't go into menopause until after 50.
I am so confused and dismayed. My DH is wonderful and supportive but confused too...he can sense that I am hiding my hopefulness even after professing my 'happiness' at having a life without children and my dedication to growing old with him without the need to bring anyone else into it-he thought we were in it to celebrate the selfish life together. My deeply warped insecurities are now plaguing me with thoughts that he deserves to be with someone who will give him a family, not stuck with me...damaged goods. The same misery I projected onto my mother when I felt so heavy under the weight of guilt for not being able to be what she always thought I would be: a wonderful mommy to her grand babies. A failure.
Was I lying all along? To myself and him? I thought I was okay without ever having a baby. Sometimes I reflect and wonder if I really just wanted to prove that I could. It is true that the whole part of bringing a real human being into the world gets lost in the pursuit of a successful pregnancy, but I am sure it all works out for the mother in the end...I wouldn't know and I guess that has always been the rub.
But what happened to my period? I guess I will test again in a few days. I have no choice but to follow up to be sure because it could be deadly and this is not something I am willing to die for anymore. It was foolish to ever feel that way.
It is amazing how much women like us can grieve, and how we rise above it.
Ladies, my heart hurts for everyone of you that are recurrent m/c.
Those of you who have had a healthy child and also suffered losses, I am sure it hurts just as bad...but i don't know what sadness feels like before or after joy. I only know what it feels like coupled with emptiness.
I pray you all can have what you most want and I pray you save yourself from the resentment that I carried for years that alienated me from 20 year friendships and even towards my baby sister.
Too many unspoken fits of anger about how could "God" allow this person or that person to have a child they don't even want or don't care for when I can't??? I came to terms (I think...) with the reality that sometimes there isn't the fabled 'miracle' at the end of the story...I think the miracle is finding love for yourself and for your life again.
Your fertility does NOT define your life-I know that it does right now, I mean, how could it not with miserable progesterone suppositories and ultrasounds and blood tests and numbers etc. etc....it can take over your life. But it is NOT your life, it is an interruption. Apparently, in my case, it is an interruption that is never too far from the surface.
I will be glad and sad when my husband has his vasectomy and the days of tests and peeing on the sticks of hope and dismay will be over for good. Good luck to you all.