Resentful To Husband

10 Replies
rachel - October 20

i lost my baby at seven mos preg.right after i got out of the hospital my husband went right back to work,as if nothing happened.i was left in that silent house with nothing to do but wallow in grief.the fact that he could even function made me resentful.he didnt cry all the time like i did,which made me think he didnt care as much as i did.i dont feel as though hes there for me,can some one please help me understand.

 

kim - October 20

the baby died and you hurt deep inside you cant put a bandage on it and pretend the pains not real.its called grief."hugs"

 

casey - October 20

Im so sorry for you. i too lost my baby late in the pregnancy and my husband and I grieved totally differently which caused alot of resentment between us, eventually as time went on and with some therapy and support of family and friends we ended up stronger & happier than before but it took time. The best advice I got at the time was to keep talking to each other. My heart goes out to you and I hope things get easier for you very soon. XXOO

 

Kim L. - October 20

Hi Rachel - oh my goodness, I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious baby. I can completely understand your feelings of resentment. I felt the same twoards my husband - "why are you okay? We just lost our baby!" I finally told him how resentful I felt during a walk one evening and it changed everything. He apologized profusely, and said he didn't realize the way it was coming across. He was hurting so much too because he loved our baby. It was just easier for him to make it through the day by throwing himself into other things, while it was better for me to cry and remember and talk about it with people. Men and women process things so differently. I guarantee you that your husband feels this loss deeply and doesn't know how to show it in the way that would mean the most to you. I hope you will get a chance to tell him how it makes you feel and to hear his heart as well. Please take care of yourself and each other. I'm thinking of you. xxoo

 

Lily - October 20

I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine what you went through and are still going through. I miscarried last week and was 12 weeks pregnant and it was a very difficult time for bothmyself and my fiance. It is still difficult.... My fiance was very upset however he had to return to work right afterwards as well He started to act like everything was okay and I think it was just easier for him that way. I wanted to talk alot about what happened. Then last night I broke down and told him he was acting different he wasn't comforting me like he used to, that I just needed him to love me and touch me.... I needed to be close to him. He broke down he told me he was so sorry that he loves me more then ever.... that he was being selfish he said he knows he is upset but understands it is nothing compared to what I must be feeling. That he will try harder to talk with me and grieve. Everyone grieves differently... some people become withdrawn some cry all the time some get angry. You should try talking to your husband tell him how you feel... let him know you need to know how he feels. I'm sorry I don't have any better advice then that. I wish you love and happiness.

 

crisy - October 20

Hi Rachel. I am so sorry for your loss. What you are going through is so devastating and words cannot even describe your pain. I was 7.5 weeks when I miscarried and my husband and I were both devastated. He is the type that keeps everything inside and I was upset that we were not talking about what had happened. When I told him how I felt, he said that he did not want to upset me and that was the reason he was not talking about our loss. He cried in the dark in order for me not to notice his pain. I think that the reason your husband left for work is because he had too much pain. Usually, that's how men cope with grief. They are always trying to keep everything inside because they don't want to upset us or maybe they are so affraid to face their own pain and they don't want to be out of control. Society expects a man to be strong, he's not allowed to cry even though he is hurting inside. I think that you should talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. There is a chance that he might be ready to express himself but there is also the risk that he might not want to talk about it. People deal with grief in their own way and usually men have more difficulties than women in expressing themselves. I am sure that your husband cares very much and he does not want to hurt you (that's why he is not crying). I am sending you hugs and I will pray for you and your husband. All my sympathy to you and your husband during this difficult time in your lives. Take care.

 

Angela - October 20

Hi Rachel, I am so sorry for your loss. I just lost my baby 2 weeks ago. It was so hard because we really planned this baby, down to the time of year it would be born in. I was only 13 weeks and the baby only lived to about 10 weeks so I am sure it doesn't compare to anything like you are feeling. I cried and stayed out of work for 2 weeks, mainly because I just couldn't face those people. I saw my baby on the hospital floor thanks to the horrible nurse we had. I cried and cried and the nurse just acted like it was normal to be holding a 2 inch baby in her hand. My husband didn't say much and went back to work 2 days after it happened. He didn't mention much to me and just took the role as the comforter if I needed him to. I wondered if he felt the same as me or if him being a man just couldn't feel the same hurt as I did and still do. To my shock he said something to my priest. We are in counseling at my church so we can get our marriage blessed the begining of next year. He told him how sad he was, that even though it was never alive that we saw, it was still sad to see knowing it was his offspring there dead. I'm sure all men grieve, just different than the way we women do. Don't resent your husband but instead try and embrase each other and use each other to get through this difficult time. I will pray for you, I hope you and your husband will feel better.

 

john - October 20

I must said I grief more of the baby than my wife..She seem to get over it quickly..It does hurt me as it's our first baby..and we heard the h.b..yet 1 week later no more...All hope gone, all dreaming gone..yet with time it heal..Thank goodness we both have a job so we can keep busy..I do a___lyse what did I do wrong to cause the m.c (like cause my wife stress, no sleep well, take her to 1 day trip..) Sometime I wonder if I just let her stay at home, don't do anything..Would she still be pregnant?? Had anyone stay at home, no stress, no need to work but still m.c at around 14 weeks?

 

Rachel - October 20

thank you all so much for your support.i did try talking to my husband once about how i was feeling,hes a pretty private person he told me he hurts as much as i do but he needed to deal with it alone.he said i needed to talk about it to much to any one who would listen.the last words he spoke to me on the subject were words i will never forgive,he said sometimes babies die.and then he left the room just like that.its been nearly 3mos and still we dont talk a whole lot.

 

lilu - October 22

I feel the same exact way these days. I lost my baby at 8 1/2 months in august and I just feel as if everyone just forgot that I had a baby. I just feel so alone these days b/c I think about her so often. I feel as if I can't talk to my dh about her b/c he just doesn't want to hear about it. I feel as if everyone feels that way. I think that's why I feel myself crying more these days b/c that was such a wonderful time in my life and it's gone. Just wanted to share with you that I feel the same as you and you're not alone.

 

Bohwnin - October 23

I know this won't really make it any better, but most men are not as in touch with their emotions as women. They are not a likely to grieve while there are people around (yes, even you, ladies.) They may do their own little things which help them. Also, losing a baby is not the same for men. It is less real in that the embryo does not develop inside their bodies, and they are not feeling the effects of the pregnancy (i.e. AF being late, morning sickness, wierd cravings, weight gain, bloating, etc.) so it is a bit of a "detached" feeling for them. I'm sure your hubby is feeling a loss of his own, although not as pronounced or in the same way as you are. It does seem a little insensitive of your husband to say that sometimes babies die. Although, he is telling the truth. (I don't mean to rub salt in your wounds.) But the fact that he left the room shows that he is distraught by the idea, and the experience. I think you should have a heart-to-heart (not too mushy, he is a guy). I think you should be best friends first, and lovers second.

 

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