Shouldn T It Be Better By Now How Long Did It Take

14 Replies
BeckyBunny - January 19

I had a blighted ovum miscarriage in April of 2006, discovered at 11 weeks. I still don't know how to cope. We have been trying to get pregnant for the last 7 cycles and nothing. I feel like a complete failure. Most things say that most women are able to cope with their grief within 3 months. It has been over 8, and I'm still as hurt and confused as I was in the beginning. How long did it take you all to deal with your grief? How long did it take to get pregnant again after miscarriage?

 

DownbutnotOUT - January 19

I got pregnant the 1st month after my missed m/c and ended up having a chemical pregnancy and than no af for 2 months, I also had an evil cyst that gave me a faint + on a HPT during the 2 months. I started drinking a soy drink and temping with ff in september when my af finally showed and I had a 28 day cycle (which I have never had in my life) and I got my BFP at 9 dpo. I am currently 19 weeks and 5 days preggers and when my due date of the baby i lost came on december 3 i was devistated and all the pain came back I was so upset I missed and longed for the baby I lost but than felt horribly guilty for the baby that now grew inside me that wouldnt even be here if i didnt loss my other baby. It took me a good month before I could control my emotions and stop crying enough to try to lead the same life I had before. To tell you the truth every night I pray for the baby i lost, my current children, and the baby in my tummy I have not gotten over the grief and I dont think I ever will but Im too the point I can move on. I hate to say this but the new baby has helped alot and I pray you get your BFP that sticks to you, take care :)

 

BeckyBunny - January 20

Hi Kiimi, I am right there with you. My best friend had her baby 3 weeks ago and I haven't even seen them, because I would just cry. One of my other friend's sisters who is only 16 had a baby a week after mine would have been due, and another friend just found out she was pregnant and she did not even want to have another baby, ever!!! She very much wanted to never be pregnant again, in fact her husband was scheduled for a vasectomy. It's not fair!

 

hailey07 - January 20

So sorry about your loss... I am currently going through a MC and my boyfriend and I were just talking last night about the baby. He feels better everyday and I see no end in sight for the pain, basically because we decided to wait a few more years (until after we're married) to ttc. This pregnancy was not planned, however this MC has been just as painful as if we had planned for a baby. Right now we're just taking the steps of the grief process, and we both have been trying to come up with ideas that make it a little easier. We named our baby a unis_x name so that we can stop referring to he/she as "it". That helped a bit. We built a snowman in memory of the baby and promised to do so every year until we purchase a house, then we will plant a tree or bush for the baby. Also we discussed adopting a puppy as soon as we're ready, obviously it needs to be a little further into the grief process, but it makes me feel better to know that I will be caring for something soon. I also have started thinking about writing a book once this is all over and done with, or at least when I have found a proper place to put this in my life. You might want to use some of these or think of something that you could do for your baby. I felt so helpless as a parent when my doctor diagnosed my MC, so now that the baby is gone, it feels good to do things in memory of the baby.

 

BeckyBunny - January 20

I have kind of a baby hope chest. When I found out I was pregnant before, we started buying stuff right away. I have the entire care bears nursery set and it's always getting added to, even though we don't know when we will be able to have another baby. So sorry for your loss, Hailey, none of us should have to go through miscarriage.

 

Megane - January 20

I am so sorry for your loss. {{big hug}} I dont think that you are unusual at all. Nobody is the same and for someone to say 3 months is the key amount of time is silly. To lose a child is devistating and takes a good long time to learn to live with the pain. 20 months ago I had a little boy that was stillborn at 20 weeks. I miss him so much and he will always be in my heart but I think that for the most part I have learned (b/c I guess you dont really have a choice..) to live with the pain. It is a gradual process. You should give yourself as much time as you need to and dont worry about what other people say about how long it "should take". Something that we did that helps us is we bought a tree and planted it in our yard and we call it our Samuel tree. We also got a dove ornament for the christmas tree that has his name and date of birth on it. I wish you the very best in ttc and I hope that it will happen very soon for you!

 

BeckyBunny - January 20

Thank you Megane. I am sorry for what you had to go through as well...it seems like the pain would be worse with an actual fetus loss, but we loved our non-existant baby just as much as if there had been a real one there...because you don't know, you never think "well there might just be an undeveloped sac in there", not until it happens. The ultrasound technician had the audacity to say "well, it might make you feel better to know there was never actually a baby there anyway" yeah, THANKS! that really made me feel so much better! *note the sarcasm*. One of my supposed friends even said "oh well you didn't need to have a kid anyway". Why do people have to be so cruel??

 

darra - January 20

I don't think that anyone really knows what to say, and some should just not say anything... As I write this my sister is in labour. We were so excited to have our children together, I'm not sure what I am going to do when the baby arrives. It could be a tricky day. Tomorrow is also the baptism of my brother's baby, so many happy new parents around me and I want to be happy for them. Hailey, I think that a puppy is a great idea. I adopted mine after I suffered a great loss and she helped me more than anyone could know. For the past week and a half she has not left my side, she takes care of her mommy. Dogs have such a great sense for people's feelings and can bring such happiness. I'm not sure where I would be if I didn't have my Daisy. I really like the idea a few of you shared about planting a tree as a memorial. Thank you all for being here, as much as I hate that others are going through this it's nice to have people who understand.

 

stefkay - January 20

Hi girls, I see some familiars here--Becky! Kiimi! I try not to come on this site at all much, but I just can't help it. I am currently waiting to miscarry and decided to go the d&c route even though it will be number 3 (dr. said that since mine were all fairly early I shouldn't worry--I just don't want scarring), but we can't even schedule till Monday and I don't know when it will be next week if even then. I went to my last appt with a new dr (perinatologist) and was to be 9 weeks (my set back date, from lmp I should have been almost 11) and the baby's heart stopped along with all other growth at around 6.5 weeks. I feel crushed and like Kiimi said, I see pregnant women everywhere i turn and I want to throw up sometimes. I can't take this happening again. I am so depressed that I don't even want to shower.

 

BeckyBunny - January 20

OMG!! Kay!! I had no idea you were miscarrying again. =( I'm so sorry....we were on the same thread waiting to get BFPs...that makes me so sad!! Do they know why you are having problems??? Are they going to do any tests? We all deserve to have perfectly healthy pregnancies and babies...I hope they find out what is wrong. =(

 

stefkay - January 21

Hi Becky, yeah...I was on the first trimester board and finally was starting to feel ok with the pregnancy as I didn't have spotting, cramping, etc. It just still b__ws my mind. I almost came back over to you guys on the SOP board, but I know I can't even begin to try again for probably 3 months after the m/c (when it EVER happens--it's really taking it's toll on me now). Even then, I don't know if dbf will want to. Right now he'd say no way. He wants to wait like a few years and I could scream. I'm 31 and I just don't want to do that. It's causing a huge problem in or relationship that I just can't handle right now. The dr. did do a bunch of testing and found that I have the MTHFR mutation on one gene (heterozygous) but that is all she found so far. She told me it causes me to metabolize folic acid in correctly and can lead to clotting,etc. BUT, I read more on it online and it seems the only people who have recurrent m/c with this have the mutation on both genes (homozygous). Supposedly what i have, half the population has, so who knows. She told me I'd have to take extra folic acid and B vitamins, also baby aspirin. I was taking all that c___p up to my bfp, then stopped because I started the prenatals. I keep thinking about that and it drives me nuts. So for me, no, seeing the heartbeat didn't mean squat. I'm really p__sed today, sorry...I wish I could at least be trying again and 3 months seems like ages.

 

Val - January 21

Kay - I'm so sorry about your mc (and I'm sorry for everyone's losses.) BeckyBunny - I think you posted on the "Going for..." thread a while back. Sorry to hear that you are down and still ttc. I think that when ttc takes a long time after a mc, it really makes the recovery process harder. I had my mc in August of 05, and in spring of last year, I had really bad depression. I had days when I couldn't work because I couldn't stop crying. I never expected it to be so difficult to get pg again after the mc and when it kept not happening, I just got more and more depressed, especially when I saw pg women or babies. I did end up getting pg 12 months after my mc. I tried to take some positive step each month my af came, like seeing a naturopath or specialist, focusing on exercise or weightloss, and even making a necklace that represented our struggle and hope. You are not a failure... getting pg is complicated and there are a lot of factors that go into it. Don't give up hope and do take some positive steps toward things you can do (testing, meditation, etc.)... you will feel better eventually. Take care...

 

BeckyBunny - January 21

Thanks Val. Yeah I was on the "going for" thread a while back but it was taking too long to load and it's hard to keep up with everyone. Kay, I think we ALL feel guilt, but it is not your fault. You didn't know.

 

stefkay - January 21

Becky, I hope you are feeling better...I am sorry you are going through this. I read other women's stories here and mine is no different. I'm kind of self-absorbed right now and it feels icky. I hope you get that bfp soon! I keep checking in on you girls over there in the big O and 2ww thread and see several getting theirs. I know it must be hard, but good thing is that you CAN get pregnant! :-) I know that doesn't help a lot right now, but it seems that blighted ovums happen so randomly that I'm sure you won't have a similar thing happen ever again. In fact I'm sure of it!!! :-) I'm hoping in the next week or so to get some answers for myself so at least i'm not in this wondering "what if" stage.

 

BeckyBunny - January 22

My body is having issues. I have a thread about it in the other forum section. We have decided though that this is not the best time to have a baby, regardless of how much I want one. Trying is just too much more depressing and stressful. We have plenty of time, so I am going to (attempt!) resume a normal life and try not to worry about it so much. It is hard, but the more I think about having a baby, the more depressed I get because it hasn't happened yet. I am going to go back to college in the fall, and just live. Kay, you have every right to be focused on yourself right now. No one can expect you to be thinking about or be concerned about other people. If they do, then they are obviously not caring, compa__sionate people. Life sucks so much sometimes. =/ Hopefully now that they have an idea what is wrong, next time you will get a sticky bean.

 

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