Tons Of Emotions

121 Replies
Lily - March 20

I just found this site and hoping to get some emotional support. This was my second pregnancy (I have a little boy that is 13 months). I saw the heartbeat at week 7 and then again at 10 weeks. I started bleeding at 11 and there was no heartbeat. I lost most of the baby on my own prior to the scheduled d&c. I have had a range of emotion -- from completely sad to completely p___sed off at the world. I guess I am wondering how everyone is emotionally getting through this time? It feel like I take 2 steps forward in healing and then 4 steps backwards the next second. Did anyone go through this?

 

Kat - March 21

Hi Lily. So sorry for your loss. :( It must be so painful after an entire trimester... I am so sorry. I lost my early-pregnancy last weekend. He or she would have been my 2nd as well. (Little girl 18 mos). During the m/c and ultimately finding out that that was truly what I was experiencing, I was devastated. Then, I had a few days of feeling pretty good followed by the blues this weekend. Just on the edge of tears all weekend. I think maybe because it was the weekend before when all the bad stuff was going on - and because it was the weekend it was bringing it all back. Know what I mean? So, I do know how you are feeling about going forward and backward - that's for sure. Well, I guess we have to look to the future and get strong for the next time. So many women go through this (it's unbelieveable, huh?).

 

Julie C. - March 21

Lily, I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. I lost mine in February at 5 weeks (I lost another five years ago at 12 weeks). So, it's been five weeks since my d & c. The first week I was horribly depressed. Then, a few weeks went by when I thought I was coping fine. Then, this past week, I've been very angry (at what, I don't know) and depressed. Saturday I spent most of the day in bed crying. I've read that "grief comes in waves." What you're feeling is horrible, but normal unfortunately. I've also read that on average women take about 3 months to grieve (not that the pain ever goes away totally, but that after that time we learn to cope better). Most people (those who haven't been through it) will expect you to be over your grief sooner than that, though, which is why this site is so helpful. My best wishes to you.

 

Kat - March 21

Hi Julie. I am sorry for your losses too. You are right - most expect you to get over it quickly. With some I am close to, I just let them know my thoughts and feelings in the hopes they will understand the experience more and why it isn't just so easy to get over. But then there are others who just will never get it. Too bad because so many go through it. I guess we have to be each others support - those of us who have gone through it. ~~I keep forgetting about the hormone fluctuations too... that can cause some of our mood changes. ~~ Here is something interesting I just read about trying again in case you are interested: http://www.pregnancyloss.info/trying_again.htm Hang in there.

 

Kat - March 21

Thanks. I actually just read that over the weekend and I did find it helpful. I also started joining these conversations over the weekend because I found that I really just needed to talk to women who have been through it. My husband is very supportive, but he just doesn't feel it in the same way. Sometimes that makes me angry, but I know it's normal. My friends (who all have children and have never had a miscarriage) also try to help, but I know when I'm talking to them that they can't really understand. The women here really get it - no matter what I'm feeling, someone here has felt it, too. (And I 'm with you about the hormones!) Best wishes for you.

 

Julie C - March 21

Oops, that previous post was from Julie C! I was responding to Kat!

 

Petra - March 21

I had a m/c at 9 weeks. The m/c started on its own the night before my scheduled d/e (2/10) which I still had done. The m/c went by without any pain but plenty of emotions. I thought I was dealing with it and that I was able to move on. But last week a friend called to anounce that they;re having a baby, due the same date as I would have been... this came one week after my sil had a babygirl. I just lost it... I went to bed but had to get up to watch tv.. just so I would stop crying. Everytime my head touched the pillow i would start to sob. The fact that I started my periode two days later had surely something to do with it. But I was depressed for three days. I cried over everything. I am beter now, but still can;t stand talking about babies. And there is plenty of that with the new niece we have. But people forget and they think that you're over it too. They do not deal with the bleeding for weeks... and then waiting for your periode to come back. All that c___p that goes with a m/c. Anyway, we just have to go thru that and I guess in the end we'll be able to put it in a place and just think about every once in a while... good luck...

 

Kat - March 21

Hi Julie - thanks for your response. :) Julie, do you have any children? If not has doc found any problems? You had mentioned you m/c'd 5 years ago too. You don't have to answer my questions... I just want to help if I can. :) ~~~ Hi Petra, sorry for your losses too. :( I know - someone close to me said she has been noticing all the "spring babies and pregnancies" and I couldn't believe she had said that within one week of my m/c. Maybe it is because I am generally a positive, forward-thinking person and she just thought I was quickly getting past it, but I obviously had just been through quite an emotional and physical ordeal. I told her that I wasn't able to think of that right now and that it was painful to see other pregnancies. She said "Oh but you will be pregnant again very soon." Easy for her to say - she never had a m/c and got pregnant with her children very easily. I guess, depending on the person, I try to be honest so they know where I'm at.... but some will just not get it unfortunately. (I think she did in the end however). I guess that is why we are all landing here, huh? We are going to get through this together and for many of us we will have pregnancies in the next year... I try to think that if that does happen for me, the wait for it will (somewhat) be forgotten in the long run. Best to you - hope you are feeling good today.

 

Julie C. - March 21

Kat, No, no children. I've been seeing a fertility specialist for 6 months and have been through all of the tests, biopsies, -oscopies, etc. (We also had sperm tested, of course). They have found no reason for the infertility. Evidently, about 20% of infertility cases are "unexplained." In fact, we were ready to try IUI in February, but I got pregnant in Jan on our own (miscarried in Feb. at 5 weeks). Not having any reason that doctors can identify (and thus fix!) is terribly frustrating. And I don't mind you asking at all. Hope you're well.

 

Kat - March 21

Julie - ha, I almost put your name in that slot this time! ;) Hm, ok, no children yet and no reason found. Frustrating, to say the very least, I am sure. I do have another question then: Is there any chance you think your body may overreact to stressors that come up in life? If you think so, I'll tell you about a hunch I have about some cases of infertility or m/c's - based partially on some things I have read about fertility issues and also on some things I have thought about in my field. I think that my body overreacts actually and might, just might, have something to do with my m/c. Other than that I can tell you 2 things that may have worked to help me with conception. The first was evening primrose... I started taking that in pill form the month I first conceived my baby girl. With this last pregnancy, I have no idea for sure if this was it(!) but I was really surprised I got pregnant and I had read afterward that Kaiser had done some research which indicates green tea may boost fertility. My husband and I have both been drinking green tea almost daily over the last few months. Who knows... but just thought I'd share...! (The green tea think might work for conception but I doubt if it has much to do with sustaining a pregnancy. Evening primrose may have helped however - perhaps to balance my hormones).

 

Kat - March 21

Julie, just wanted to also say to you (and anyone else reading too) that I have worked in research and I love to read... Remember this - might be something you already realize but is easy to forget when you are wondering what to do next... docs only know what the research tells them (and unfortunately for some, they don't even know the current research). And, the research world is far, far away from having all the answers. We think we know all the answers in this modern, scientific world but we really fall So short. Some of our knowledge is faulty because the research isn't performed adaquately or hasn't been completed. And then there is a Giant amount of questions that haven't even been asked yet... I guess what I am leading up to is - besides being our own researchers when it comes to our health and wellbeing, I think we also have to listen to our intuition as well... And although what I am saying is kind of depressing in a way, it also says a lot about hope - because the answer to our fertility and m/c problems may be out there for us to figure out. You know? Am I totally rambling on here...?! Sorry if I am!!

 

Julie C. - March 21

Kat, thanks for both your messages. I, too, am into research (I have a PhD) and totally get what you're saying. I am pretty confident in my doctor (he runs the Infertility Clinic at Johns Hopkins). He's been pretty upfront about the numbers and possible causes of unexplained fertility. Before this past pregnancy, we had a 5% chance of conception on our own (normal chances of conception are around 20% in any given month). Once, he said for us to go on vacation and we'd end up pregnant! Although we had tried that before, his point was similar to yours: try not to stress about it. I agree that stress hasn't helped us. Over the last four years, I got married, finished a PhD, moved states to begin a tenure-track job, and lost my father (he was the victim of a murder/suicide), among other things. And the infertility itself is very very stressful, and now this second miscarriage . . . So, stress I've definitely had. The problem is, in my field, I don't think I'll ever be stress free. However, I do drink green tea almost daily and I do tai chi. I did think about the evening primrose . . . even had the bottle in my hand at the store once and then put it back on the shelf. I was afraid of "self-medicating" because some ingredients in herbals aren't well regulated. Perhaps in light of your luck, I'll give it a try after all. I am also a believer in intuition, and have thought that somehow my body was waiting until it was the "right time" to get pregnant. When we finally did in Jan, I was so happy. . . so I don't know how to explain the miscarriage (clinical reason: it might be progesterone). Maybe this time around won't take 3 1/2 years.

 

Kat - March 21

I knew you were a "smartie" Julie. ;) ~~ Wooow, you have been through A Lot in recent years. That is a lot to deal with and what happened to your Dad... Oh Julie that is sad. I am so sorry that happened in your life. Murder-suicide is another thing that people often don't talk about either and it is hard to feel supported. Man. You have definitely experienced a "pileup of stressors" and so even if you do have good coping skills, that is a lot for the mind and body to deal with... You are very conscientious and are doing tai chi, which has to help the mind/body deal with stress. And with Hopkins on your side, you should be up on a lot of the latest stuff. As far as the progesterone goes, I know I have read somewhere along the line that high doses of the stress hormone cortisol can decrease levels of progesterone... Have you heard cortisol called the "death hormone"? In my mind progesterone is the "life hormone" and so too much of the death one can't be good! Right? In my field, psych, I have long been interested in how stress affects the body... I think that you are right - perhaps the body knows when the time is right and when it isn't... and perhaps cortisol is involved in that decision process. ~~ I know how it feels to be in career mode and wanting to start a family. That theme has meandered through many-a-conversation with female friends and co-workers the last few years. I was a few months shy of starting a PsyD program and decided that I couldn't wait until my mid-thirties to start a family. I was pushing 30 and the news was peppered with research blurbs on women's fertility going down in their 30's. But, it was a painful decision because I had my sights set on a long rewarding career and was really a large part of how I defined myself. I immediately enrolled in a program that would offer me a 2nd MA and a chance to get licensed one day as a therapist. Within a few mos of that life-changing decision I was pregnant and all was good. ~~ However, I have had my own pileup of stressors over the last few years and we moved cross-country for the 2nd time in several years, with a 7 mo old in tow, leaving behind a place I loved, san diego. (SD was the land of lay offs for my husband however). I live closer to family now which is great but the work opportunities for my husband are well, scarce, and he is contemplating entrepreneurship again. (yikes) We just decided that we wanted to start trying again this spring when much to our surprise we got pregnant. I have come to the conclusion, much like you said, that my body did not think it was time to create a womb. Even though I had been through a lot in times before my 1st, I was more prepared for that pregnancy. My husband felt secure in his job at that moment and I only had my MA program to focus on... no work... and generally felt well and happy. ~~ I know how you feel about the eve prim. One of the reasons I took it is because my oldest sister is taking it and it really benefits her - we seem to have some of the same weird stuff go on... I think my midwife is smart in saying that we should only do these extra things up until ovul each mo. Rasp tea is supposed to be good for repro system and comfrey for healing. I think your tai chi must be great. I am going to head back to yoga asap. I think we have to make sure our diets are really balanced and pure too. And as much as humanly possible keep our minds focused on "family". If our bodies are listening to our minds buzzing about, well then Julie, we must simply make it believe that a warm, safe, cozy womb must be created to house that incredible life we are going grow and nurture and love!!!!!! I don't think you are giving up that tenure track job and so we have to keep part of your mind focused on this as well. Well, and we have to take mental vacations sometimes, even when we can't take ourselves to St. John, (though I do agree with doc that vacas are good). The career/task oriented people we are have to give into the need for quieter, lighter, happier times for the soul. Ok, let's do it. :)

 

mulgajill - March 22

Just had a quickish read through your posts Julie & Kat ... i dont know if you should blame it too much on stress (we tend to blame the things that happen to our bodies on ourselves too much)... i have the m/c thing going and have a pretty stress free life, had it in the past a couple times too between child no1 and no2 (when I had a REALLY stress free life.. horses & cooking....) but the m/c monster still raised her ugly head, you sound like your lives are full.... i have also almost grabbed the evening primrose capsules and put them back on the shelf... and about raspberry leaf tea, my girlfriends sister-in-law is a qualified naturopath and uses that tea for bringing on labor, definately not to be used in early pregnancy. Cheers gals :-)

 

Julie C. - March 22

Kat, Thanks for your message. I've read that moving (especially long distances!) and starting a new job are two of the most stressful things in life. And doing all that with a young child . . . looks like you've definitely had your share of stress, too. Deciding about school is a tough one. Luckily for me, I was ABD when I met my husband, so my choice was already made, the goal almost reached. It sounds like you found a good alternative to the PhD route for now and you can always go back and do that later if you want - it's never too late! ~ Mulgajill does have a point. The stress reasoning does easily lend itself to self-blame. But I guess I think that even though the "mind/body knows best" route has problems, when you've experience unexplained infertility for 3+ years, and they can't find a phsyical reason, you start thinking about psychological ones. I often think that my miscarried pregnancy 5 years ago (with a different father, pre-husband, who left me after the miscarriage) has affected my ability to conceive. Fear? Trying to avoid the pain and loss again? I don't know. Anyway, I do really believe that the mind can have a huge influence over the body . . . so I'm trying to stay positive and work through any unresolved issues I may have from my previous loss as well as this one. Some days, however, that's hard. We're going to an adoption open house (an information session) next month. At times, when I think about adopting rather than continuing with the infertility specialist, it feels like a weight has lifted off my chest (literally). It is those moments that I really feel the pressure and stress the infertility and now miscarriage is causing me. I don't want to "give up" too soon (I like to set and reach goals), but I also remind myself that the goal for us isn't just to get pregnant and give birth to our own genetic child, but to be parents and have a family. So, we're going to look into adoption as we give the pregnancy thing 6 or 7 more months. I know, I know. . . setting a deadline only adds pressure to get pregnant, but I figure since I'm so totally stressed already about the whole roller-coaster, the "end-is-in-sight" approach may actually help. Oh, and Mulgajill, thanks for the warning about the raspberry tea leaf! Hope you all are having a good day. Wait, one more thing. I was watching Rocky IV the other night (I know, corny), and this quote stuck out. I thought everyone on this list might appreciate it: "Going one more round when you don't think you can, that's what makes the difference in life."

 

Kat - March 22

Hi mulgajill... Thanks for your post! :) Yes, the rasp tea should be used only in the first 2 weeks of the month (approx) - you are right and I should emphasize the importance of that more because it can bring on contractions in an otherwise strong system. It might even be best to use it for a short period of time to strenghten the uterus and then put the tea away. I also think you are absolutely right that stress isn't the answer for everyone. Personally, I believe my body overreacts to stress and in looking at my family, I think that may be something some of us deal with... Combine that genetic or learned behavior with a number of stressors over the last several years - and my body seems to be stuck on "fight mode" - at least some of the time. Nevertheless, having studied the effects of stress on the body on and off for the last 13 years, those who experience too much stress or think they may have too much of a physical response to stress, should try their hardest to get the body into a more relaxed mode and keep that cortisol down to a healthy level. Even if it doesn't affect a certain woman's ability to conceive or carry a preg, it will create a "safer" place for a baby to start life (and for a woman to remain healthy). Don't u think? I also think that it is interesting that some cases of infertility or repeated m/c's can't be explained and so the stress theory should at least be entertained. But - I totally hear what you are saying about blame... You don't want to blame yourself... I guess there is kind of a fine line between blame and taking responsibility for your health. If you go too far to the blaming side you are going to end up with that ugly, dark, depressing thing called guilt. We don't want that! Best to you.

 

Julie C. - March 22

Kat, given your research interests, you'll appreciate this: once, a few years ago, I had the hives (horribly) for six months. Finally, after lots of doctors the diagnosis was: stress. I also have TMJ (another physical manifestation of stress!). So, as I said in my earlier post this morning, I definitely think the mind can influence the body negatively. I'm trying to concentrate on how it can have positive effects (hence the tai chi and green tea)! :)

 

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