Venting

27 Replies
CC - June 14

It has been 2 months since my m/c and this is the first month of ttc again. I'm so upset. I hate the fact that I'm robbed of being happy while pregant. If I do get pregnant soon everytime I go to the bathroom I will be looking for blood, every cramp will set off alarms in my head, and I don't know if I'll ever relax with pregnancy again. Then thing that upsets me the most is we did everything right with our first pregnancy. We went off birth control for three month, I took folic acid, eat better, and in general took better care of myself and it still went really wrong. I wish I could blame it on something. But that is the worst part about a m/c, is there is no one to blame. I am happy about trying again but I'm so scared. I just want to be pregnant and know that everything will go okay. I wish I knew for sure I could get pregnant again, that my body will keep it and the baby will develope right. I had a long bath tonight and cried in the tub. I was crying becuase my husband will make a great dad and I feel like we would be great parents so why did this have to happen to us. I just wish I know that answers. And I wish I could see into the future and see a healthy baby. I hate waiting to see if I'm pregnant again or not. I'm not sure how I'll deal with it if it turns out that I didn't get pregnat this month. I know it is only our first month trying again, but that is all it took last time. One month of trying and we conceived. I'm so mad at the world and made a God for taking a baby that was love, wanted, desired and that would of been a completion of my husband and my love for each other. Thanks for listening. I feel better, sorry for venting like this but sometimes you just need to.

 

staci - June 14

CC-you couldn't have put it better, I hear you and FEEL your frustration and concerns. I just suffered my 2nd m/c, my first was in March of this year and no children yet. It is devstating and painful emotionally and physically. You know what great parents youd be and how much this baby was wanted and loved, it isnt fair...I know. I am hear to listen and to vent alongside of you...knowyou aren't alone, even though you feel alone you arent! take care

 

CC - June 14

Thanks Staci. It's nice to hear from other people that they feel the same way. I have so much frustration inside. I really want a baby, but I so scared I'll m/c again. I'm also upset that so many women have care free pregnancy and don't understand how other women feel that have a tough time with it. I also wish people would quit asking me if we are trying again. I don't know how to answer that question. I would love to say "Yes we are but we don't want to tell you because we don't need the added pressure of ttc with everyone asking every second of every day". I know people care about us and that is why they ask, and I know they just want us to be happy but today I'm cranky and just want people to let me be cranky.

 

Amy - June 14

CC i know how you feel i m/c in may and now i'm pg again with no af in between and got my levels done and just keep thinking of that and every time i go to the bath room i;m checking i have 3 kids already and never felt like this but after my m/c its all i think about still as hard as it is i try to stay positive but my mind still wonders lots of baby dust and keep us posted

 

LC - June 15

It has been 5 weeks since my mc and we just started ttc this week. I know what you mean about being afraid and not knowing what will happen in the future. It only took us a month of trying too the first time and I hope it comes that easy again.....on one hand i want so badly to be pregnant while on the other hand i am so scared. I am angry that I have had to go through this and angry that i will always wonder through my next pregancy(s) if this one will be a good one. I am angry that the first thing on my mind in the morning is my lost baby and angry that i am "obsessed" with wanting to be pregnant again. I know it isn't healthy but I can't seem to stop myself. I know anger is part of the grieving process but it is consuming me right now. I am grateful for people like you all to let me know I am not alone it this.....we will get through this.

 

To LC from CC - June 16

I know just how you feel. I am so happy to know that I'm not alone. I feel like I'm going crazy inside thinking about the loss of our first baby and wondering if our next baby, (whenever that might be) will turn out the same. I'm just glad to know that I'm not alone during this whole thing.

 

Lynn - June 18

I think everything you are feeling is so normal. I've felt the same way too. I want to try for another baby, but I'm upset it will end badly just like my first one. I'm also mad because the care free pregnancy will never be for me. I will always worry if everything is okay until I give birth. I just want to be pregnant so bad!!!!!

 

Kristin - June 21

CC, and others - you really hit the nail on the head!! I have had 3 miscarriages in a row - blighted ovum and D&C at 12.5 weeks in Nov 04, waiting 2 cycles, pregnant in February and miscarried at 5.5w, then pregnancy in March and miscarried at 7.5 weeks. I have just been cleared to try again and so hope not the get AF on july 4th when it's due. I worry that I will never get to enjoy the pregnancy either. I was so excited when we finally decided to start trying the first time. I'm still excited to have the experience, but more worried because I will be worried all the time and that is not good. I j am able to continue because I know that it is completely beyond my control now (I have seen a specialist and gone through many tests) and there is nothing I can do to make it go better this next time. One bit of good news for everyone though - my best friend also had blighted ovum in Nov 04 and is now 25 weeks pregnant. She worried alot through the first trimester and even the 4th month, but her dr was sympathetic and let her come in for u/s and heartbeat checkups whenever she wanted. She is now very happy and her worries have basically faded. She is enjoying this pregnancy, but tries not to listen to the unsolicitied advice that she gets every day. So, there is hope for us to enjoy a pregnancy when we get there. Good luck to all!!!

 

Ashley - June 23

Sounds like what i keep thinking, too. I last my baby at 38 weeks and she was my first. I went through the whole delivery and still am so mad at God. how do people who do not want children and people who can not afford the ones they have get pregnant and have babies all the time. What did we do wrong. I feel guilty on days that i have fun or something good happens. It's not fair but God must have bigger plans for all of us ladies. Bless you all.

 

Jess - June 23

I totally know how everyone here feels. It is so frustrating and you have no control over any of it. I had a m/c in March 05 and have been ttc since I had my 1st period. I thought it would happen right away like it did last time. I am in good shape and eat great. My sister in law was a smoker and never worked out a lick in her life and is now 24 weeks, about where I would be considering we found out we were pregnant a week apart. I just feel like it is never going to happen to me and I don't know if I could go through another m/c. My whole life all I have wanted is a family. No one else in my family or mu husbands family has any problem getting pregnant and staying pregnant, well that is but me. I feel like I have bad luck wriiten all over. I just pray every day that it will happen and it will work out. If it doesn't I have to cross that bridge when I get to it. SO to all of you good luck!

 

Jae - June 24

I feel so empty...... last week i was rubbing my belly talking to my baby even though i was only 5 weeks along. today im just wishing it would all just hurry up and come out.... im miscarrying as i write this too you, the heavy bleeding, clots & cramps started 2 days ago but i havent pa__sed the sac yet.... i went out today & it seemed everywhere i looked there was pregnant women, i felt so jelous that they will get to hold there babies yet i will never know mine..... this is my second m/c, i know i should be grateful that i already have a 6 year old, but i feel like im being punished because maybe god dosent think im a good mother? why else would he take my babies?

 

Brooke - June 24

Jae - I miscarried in April and I had the same thoughts. I felt bad for thinking that some of the people that have problems and should not have children at this time ( drug users, child abusers, etc.) can pop them out like gumb___s, and those who want them the most have trouble. I was told that sometimes bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to not so good people. It just makes you realize how precious and fragile life is an not to take it for granted. Even though this has been a horrible time, it has made me stronger. I have about a month left before my doctor advised me to ttc again. Waiting on that first cycle was the longest 7 weeks of my life. This last month has gone by suprisingly quick. I have kept busy at work and went on vacation (which was very relaxing). The more I hear stories on these web sites the more encouragement I get and the better I feel. Life throws us curve b___s sometimes, you just have to make the decision to catch it or dodge it. I am a pediatric nurse so I see the horrible chromosomal abnormalities and I am just glad that my body decided that it needed to start over at another time, and let this child avoid suffering. Hang in there. Have you asked your doctor about checking your progesterone levels? Sometimes it could be as simple as rubbing a progesterone cream on your belly everyday. I know someone that was pregnant 5 times each resulting in miscarriage in as many months. This was her problem. She used the cream and now has a 6 month old. It does get easier with time, just keep talking about it and don't hold your feelings inside. Take the time to greave.

 

Jae to Brooke - June 26

Thankyou Brooke... I know what you said makes alot of sense, but I think at these times its hard to see beyond the greif of losing a baby that is so dearly wanted... im still waiting to pa__s the tissue, it feels like it is taking forever... can i ask, did you let nature take its course or did you have a d&c? I need to see the doctor because im Rh negative & apparently I need a shot after every pregnancy, something a doctor neglected to tell the last time I had a miscarriage, do you think that could have something to do with losing this baby? thanks again for your kind words

 

Ann - June 26

To CC and others - I am sorry for your losses. I lost my baby at eight weeks in March. It still hurts everyday. I also feel like I see pregnant women everywhere. I try not to be bitter, but it is hard. I think, "I am healthy, I take care of myself, why me?" The shocking thing to me is how people react(or lack of reaction). A week after my miscarriage, my work had a baby shower for someone. I did not attend and my "friend" came to see where I was and why I was not there??? I then realized that just because it was a big part of my life, didn't mean others would see it that way. It makes you feel lonley. I feel like I am worried that I won't get pregnant and that I will. Because when I do finally get pregnant again, I feel that it won't be a happy time, like that has been taken away from me.

 

kc - June 26

I feel exactly the same way. I have had 2 mc ttc my daughter now 4. I have been ttc over a year for our second and mc in april. What is very hard with me is seeing pregnant people harming their babies by smoking, drinking coffee and moutain dew all day or worse alcohol, not eating properly ect. Or hearing of child neglect and abuse on the news. Since I lost the baby It seems I see more and more of these things. I don't think there are more cases I think now I am just more aware of it. It just upsets me to see mothers and mothers to be putting themselves first and not their babies. It's Just not fair!!!! I'm sorry if I offended any smokers. But my view is if you are knowingly putting your unborn baby or infant at risk aka smoking while pg or in a home with children you are abusing your children. I don't know how anyone can possibly care about their kids if the intentionally harm them in this way. I'm sorry for the outburst. I'm just venting. I watched my brother's kids a few days ago. A 20 month old and a 10 month old. She had babies very close together. They were dirty the infant had filthy black feet under his dirty socks. The 20 month old had who knows what and for how long stuck in her hair and they reeked of cigarretts and dog. It's just not fair. They have two beautiful children and treat them like trash. I gave them good baths, filled their bellies and played with them all day. She wanted to know what I did since the baby slept all night for the first time. I said I just gave them some attention since I know that you don't. Lots of baby dust to you all. I hope we all get a visit from the stork soon. A spring baby would be nice.

 

CC - June 26

I'm venting again!!!! My husband and I started to ttc again this month. AF should of been here on the 24, but no AF. I waited until the 25 still no AF so I did a hpt which came up (-). This a.m. still no AF, so I do anther hpt still (-). What is going on?

 

kc - June 26

I know it's so frustrating. I hate the waiting game. I would wait two days then test again since the hcg hormone doubles every two days. Or maybe your cycle is starting late this month. (I hope this is not the case for you). I'll sprinkle you with extra baby dust. I hope the news is good.

 

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