When Does The Pain End

3 Replies
Erin - November 11

I am 24 y/o and was 7 weeks pregnant with my first child when I miscarried. Everything seemed fine in the beginning. I was scared but excited and my family and boyfriend were excited. I gained a little bit of weight, my appet_te increased, I had morning, noon and night sickness, and then I started cramping. I really just went to the doctor for a UTI and when I went to leave my urine specimen I noticed some spotting. They said it can be normal not to worry. The cramping and bleeding got worse and a few days later I lost the baby. This happened a month ago and I still beat myself up over this every day. What could I have done different? What did I do to deserve this? Who can I talk to? No one knows what I'm going through. If they attempt to understand they'll think I'm crazy for being so upset over losing a baby at 7 weeks. Now, I want more than anything to be pregnant again. I want to give it another try. I feel that I deserve another chance, but will it happen? I hide it so well and no one even knows I still think about it. I don't talk about it with my boyfriend because I don't want to scare him away for being so upset over this. I just can't hide it anymore. Do you have any suggestions of ways to grieve or who I can talk to? I need to do something. I don't sleep at night, I don't eat well....I just feel so lost and don't know what to do anymore. Everytime I see a new baby or a pregnant woman I get so sad I could instantly cry. I try to be happy, but it's hard. I work with people who have kids upon kids that they don't really care about or that they don't take care of and then I wonder why I couldn't have just one. I would be a great mom and don't understand why this happened. If anyone is willing to help me or talk to me or give me some advice, you can e-mail me at [email protected]

 

Melissa - November 11

Hi Erin. I lost my baby too at almost 9 weeks, so I know what you have been going through. Unfortunately, not many people think having an early miscarriage is a big deal. I can say from my own experience, it IS a big deal. I have come to the conclusion not to depend on the sympathy of others and that we just pretty much have to get through it on our own. I thnk you should talk to your boyfriend. My fiance acted at first like it was OK, but little by little he let his own hurt and dissapointment be known. Talk to your boyfriend and maybe you will see that he is hurt too. Or if he was really nervous about having a baby, he might be a little relieved that the pressure is off and that is why he seems OK. But that doesn't mean he isn;'t hurt. If he treats you like its no big deal and thinks you are crazy for being so upset, then maybe find a counselor, someone objective. Or you can talk your heart out here because we all know how you feel. One thing you can do to help thew grieving process along is get something as a momento of the baby. Something like a necklace or charm bracelet with a little baby shoe charm or something like that. You don't have to tell anyone what it is for, it can be a little secret you share with your lost baby. I am also going to start trying again after my next period. You mentioned that you are not eating well. If you want to get pregnant again, you should really be taking care of your body as if you are already pregnant. Take your vitamins, eat as healthy as you can! Drink things like Ensure healthy mom, or the regular ensure drinks, this way you will still be getting nutrients if you are not eating all that much. Try to deal proactively with your grief by writing in a journal (that helps me so much), or coming here to vent your feeling or ask questions. There is a lot of good advice on this board. If you feel like crying, then cry. If otehrs don't understnad, that is OK. They don't have to understand they just have to love you. Don't look for understanding from others because you'll be dissapointed. Miscarriage is like this dirty secret that women keep. It is a shame the way most people are uneducated about it and act as if the mother did something wrong. You didn't. If you were not doing street drugs, smoking heavily, drinking, then I am sure it is not your fault. Most of the time it is not because of something we did or didn't do. I was eating healthy, living responsibly, communicating with my doctor on a regular basis, etc. I did everything I could do. It still happened. Blaming yourself makes about as much sense as blaming someone for getting a disease. Sometimes it just happens, and until science can come up with more answers, I'm afraid we just have to accept it. It is bad when you have no support system, but I am sure there are some people who listen. If not, just come here. We are all in the same boat. It is natural to become sad at the sight of other pregnant women. We want to be them again. And with luck and patience, we will be. Good luck Erin!

 

Erin - November 12

Thank you so much! I just found out today though that I AM pregnant again by accident. I'm just worried because it has only been a month or so since my miscarriage. I was suppose to wait but I wasn't even thinking of course. Now I'm worried something bad will happen. I am stupid for letting this happen again so soon! =(

 

Melissa - November 12

Congratulations Erin, and try not to worry too much. I am sure in my next pregnancy, I will be worried also. But stress and axiety may play a role, so just stay healthy! Good luck to your family!

 

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