Why Are People On This Board Talking About Pregnancies

59 Replies
grumpy - October 22

This is a miscarriage and loss site. There are other threads on this site that are dedicated to pregnancy. I'm finding it extremely difficult to find half a dozen posts under every thread where people boast about their healthy babies, or who naively, knowing absolutely nothing abut the posters' medical history, assure those who have just suffered a miscarriage that they'll have no problems next time. So what, do you happy folks think that your bliss actually helps us in our suffering? I'd like to see some serious questions given serious and compassionate consideration here. This isn't where you go if you've lived happily ever after.

 

Sister - October 22

I feel the same way. There really should be a separate pregnancy after loss thread. I'm sitting here, bawling my eyes out, bleeding for the twentieth day in a row after losing my baby and now my husband who just can't bear the barren stone I have become. I don't want to hear about how someone's b___bs just hurt so much, or how they're worried about telling work they're expecting, or about what they'll get at their own baby's shower. Surely they don't want me to tell them that they're as likely to lose their baby as I was, that every minute that pa__ses is another minute their feritlity is waning, that when they've spent all their savings in the world on IVF treatments, and when even this can't yield a baby who can make it long enough to be born, and their world crumbles around them, leaving them broke, bereft, and grievous, they'll also feel aggravated everytime someone fertile flaunts it. If their little problems are just too tough for them, I'll trade with them any day. So which of you pregnant girls will give me their sore b___bs and insensitive boss and take my ttc for 9 years with 3 m/c, no baby, and now no dear husband? (my boss and sister and law, however, are good.) Going once, going twice...

 

soholady - October 22

You said it sisters! Grumpy, I'm so sorry to hear about your multiple losses. It sounds like you're in a really rough place. Wish there was some way I could give you comfort. For those of us with long term infertility and recurrent m/c, all those confidently "going for" 9 months from now babies are hard to take. I guess I wish them well, and hope they won't find themselves on the outside of babydom, looking in jealously. I was full of optimism the first time I was pregnant and the first time i lost my baby, I thought it would be just a matter of trying hard enough again. Ha! those were the days. To innocence! And naivety! and optimism! All these things that are now dead, along with my babies.

 

Kane - October 22

Here's a serious question... Why is the pat response on this list so often something alsely optimistic, like "I know it'll work out for you." How can that help, when it's clearly a fantasy and a lie? I don't know what will or won't work out... so how can a stranger on a message board pretend to do so?

 

Allie - October 22

I originally came to this site b/c I lost a baby, and don't think my now being pregnant again precludes me from being able to be sympathetic AND give advice. I have been through it, and am now giong through the stages of being afraid it will happen again. We are also here to give and receive support. If you don't like it, don't read those threads.

 

grumpy - October 23

i guess even here congratulations are in order, allie, and i do really hope that you won't ever need to come to a miscarriage site again. it sucks to be here, but I'm here because i need to connect with people who know how deeply it sucks. you may well. but you're also looking forward to the future. you've got a chance at it again. all my chances are burned out. all my savings for retirement, for a house, for a new winter coat, are spent on trying to have a baby. my infertility and the medical interventions i have undertaken to cure it have cost me my joy, my peace, and my health. all this bad energy and grief can't be good for you! your suggestion just not to read the threads is precisely what i'm complaining about. the particular happy news of those who are well into pregnancies after miscarriage, which i find just devastating, because it will never be mine, is absolutely everywhere, even in threads with the most specific grim medical headers. i'm here looking for information and answers and support in my sadness, and voila, without any warning, i'm constantly needing to be happy for other people, or being told by happy people not to worry or to be sad--that one day i'll be happy like them. surely, having gone though a loss yourself, you know how acutely painful it all is to share in the joy of something you've lost. i guess we need a thread for the worn out, b__wn up, raw and bleeding women who will likely never carry a child to term. the thread should make some space for the very real despair we have, and should not purport to help the healing of some through the having-been-healed of others.

 

to grumpy - October 23

I'm sorry you feel resentful to those ladies who have suffered a miscarriage and are currently pregnant. No one can predict who is going to miscarry and for what reason. All of us who have had them know how extremely painful and devastating it is physically and emotionally. Just because someone has gotten pregnant after a miscarriage doesn't mean they lose all memory of the hell they've gone through in the past. These women have been ihrough it. I think finding out you're pregnant again after a miscarriage would be, personally, scary. You know what can happen and are all to familiar with the negative outcome that can happen. Many women are guarded of telling their freinds and families the "good" news. I can't wave a magic wand and make everyone pregnant. If I could, I would. To be told that you'll never be parents is the hardest thing to accept. I know you've drained your money on trying to get pregnant, but have you asked yourself would you rather be pregnant or parents? One of my best friends has gone through the a similar situation as you and her answer wha that she got so wrapped up in wanting to be pregnant, that she forgot her ultimate goal of being a parent. It was from that point on that she decided to adopt. There are so many unwanted and homeless children out there needing loving parents. So, she started by becoming a foster parent and went on to adopt the two children she cared for. What you're feeling isn't abnormal given the news you've received. But, it isn't healthy, mentally, to continue the negativity you're expressing. We all need to grieve, yes, but we can't let the "what should have beens" run and ruin our lives.

 

meg - October 23

Hi ladies, I'm really sorry for your losses. I, too, had a m/c in July and was 9 wks and 5 days. I found this site one nite last month in desperation, feeling terribly low. I, now am ttc, and have found many comforting friends on this site. I'm sorry for all the losses that you have suffered and would hope to think that my loss was a fluke thing!! When I post, it is b/c the question that someone has written has really touched me in one way or another and I want to try to rea__sure the people who are posting that everything will be okay. You're right, maybe it won't be. I don't know b/c I am not God. I hope that all of you ladies will feel better as time pa__ses. Good luck to you all.

 

lilu - October 23

Everyone else on this site has lost their babies just like you and have a different approach on trying to get past it and looks towards the future. Our lost isn't any insignificant as yours. Maybe you should be a little more compa__sionate with your harsh words b/c you have no clue what any of the others on this site have been thru. Whether or not, they are celebrating their pregnancy after their loss. YOU still have no clue how long that journey was for them. I know that I'm trying to conceive after giving birth to my still infant. So if and when i do get pregnant again I will have a long journey ahead of me since my loss was so late in pregnancy. So... I do realize you're grieving but so is everyone else. As you suggested start your own thread for your needs. Some of us need the support and hope when ttc can be so stressful. That cheerleading keeps my head up and makes me feel as if I can go to others with concerns. Sorry for your losses and I do hope that you find joy at the end of your long journey.

 

k - October 23

Dear Grumpy, First sorry for your loss and we know this is a miscarriage site. How do you think that we found it????? Maybe we need some happy thoughts sent our way and pray that the next time everything will work out. People here have helped me through some very bad days, There are some very serious questions and Alot OF COMPASSIONATION. May be some of us will never have a happy ever after but we need to have faith. So if your so grumpy don't take it out on us and I really don't think you started off good with alot of people. I'm not trying to start a fight where we go back and fourth about this , I really hope you have a happy and healthy life.

 

grumpy - October 23

You say we need to have faith. Honestly, I'd appreciate if someone could explain what precisely that means...

 

Michelle - October 23

Sister, I read your post with great sadness. Losing a baby is a terrible, unthinkable thing. We here have all been through it, many more than once as well. Your sorrow seems much deeper than I have seen expressed thus far. I feel compelled to say these things despite how trite they may seem. First, you are NOT a barren stone. You are not empty and useless; on the contrary, you are obviously a deeply emotional person with so much love that you want to give to a child. As for your husband, I don't want to speak ill of him since I a__sume that you love him, so I will simply say that he is really the one to lose out here. He has betrayed his vows of "better or worse" and you deserve someone who is capable of handling being a true life partner. Cling to those who love and support you. I know that you don't want to hear this but I think that a good therapist may be able to help you. You need help to find joy again. Even without a spouse, adoption is an option; especially through foster parenting. Letting go of the dream of giving birth is difficult but it may have to be done. I know many who have adopted and can not imagine loving a biological child more. As hard as it is, maybe there can be hope in becoming a parent in this way. Insurance may cover therapy and foster parenting does not require large amounts of money. I hope that you are not mad at me for writing this. I too am mourning my most recent loss and I don't proport to know all (or any) of the answers. I just saw someone hurting terribly and felt compelled to reach out. I can not begin to imagine your pain but please walk away from this post knowing that someone is deeply concerned and praying for you to find peace.

 

k - October 23

All I am saying is that I need to believe that things will be okay and I don't know what happened to you, grumpy and I'm sorry for whatever happened. My mc was july 22 2005 and I saw the heartbeat and a coulple days after the baby died. To get myself through I think of what I have , of course not a day goes by I don't think about how now i would be 5months pregnant and next year in march will be my due date. We are her to listen and try and help. Faith all I can say you just have to believe. Take care. k

 

Erin - October 23

Most of the references to healthy pregnancies on this site are usually there to give people hope - they are from people who have miscarried, often repeatedly, and have managed to have a child finally. I don't think any of them are bragging or blisfully boasting of their success. I for one am happy for them and happy to hear from them. And that's from someone who's had 4 miscarriages, three this years. And yes, I did have a healthy pregnancy after the first mc... and doctors still have no idea what's wrong with me. And I hope the fact that I did have a child gives hope to others out there who are counting their miscarriages on two hands now... I also have a friend who had 8 miscarriage and then a healthy baby. No medical intervention, no problems every found. No one's a__suring anyone of anything. And all those blissful pregnant women could mc at any time. I thought my last pregnancy would be different. Saw the heartbeat at 8 weeks (other pregnancies didn't last beyond 7 weeks) had tons of nausea... Ultrasound at 10 weeks showed a dead baby... People come to this site when they are pregnant because they are terrified, and generally, the people on this site are the only one's who can even begin to understand... I THINK there needs to be a seperate site for women who have had MULTIPLE miscarriages (not the once only 20 somethings - and yes, I was one of those once, I had a mc and then my daughter - so I KNOW it is different when you are older and are having MULTIPLE losses... I am usually very compa__sionate to all women on this board, but this thread really makes me angry.

 

Ashley - October 23

Grumpy.. I am sorry for your loss.. you sound very angry with the world. You are definitely free to express yourself but I think you pa__s a line when you put others down. You have no idea what other people have been through. You have no idea what kind of support everyone needs. Personally, I have had 6 m/c and I am now 21 weeks pregnant. I have been through hell and back. If I can give anyone a gleam of hope, I will do so. I pray and hope that time will heal your anger. It is part of a grieving process that everyone who m/c goes through. However, in the meantime, I think you should keep your judgements to yourself....

 

kyra - October 23

There's a valid point early in this thread--the first several writers have said very clearly that they need to be able to deal with their bad feelings and find support despite their unhappiness, and suddenly, in move half a dozen messagers who bring up their pregnancies despite their request not to hear about it. I don't think this should become a contest between the optimists and the pessimists. We've all experienced the heart-wrenching sadness of mc. All I'm saying is that it seems to me grumpy and sister and soholady are all going through one of the necessary stages of grieving & thier feelings at this stage do need to be worked out. Many posters have obviously moved to other later stages in the grieving process, but we're all individuals with unique circ_mstances and resouces, and dealing with this just takes as long as it takes. There's nothing inherrently wrong with being miserable when misery is warranted, as it sounds it has for these women. Can't we just simply hear their pain without comparing their stories to our own? Maybe hope isn't what they need, but solidarity and understanding. It's lonely in the deep well of despair. So I can't offer anything more than an avowal that I hear their pain, and that I hope they find the strength to go on and find their own reasons for hope.

 

sister - October 23

Kyra, you put your finger on it. We need to know there are non-judgemental ears who can just hear that we're hurting without trying to force some happiness on us. Probably I'll feel joy again, but right now, I don't & I don't want to have to pretend to be hopeful or faithful or happy for others in order to feel some sisterhood. Our culture is very impatient with sadness, and yet being sad is an essential part of our human condition.

 

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