Why Do I Feel Liek Im Reliving My Miscarriage

3 Replies
DownbutnotOUT - December 14

For those whow dont know me I had a missed miscarriage back on May 15th, 2006 (the day after mother's day and the day before my 1st u/s). I was suppose to be 11 weeks and 1 day but I woke up to blod soaked panties and than started spotting brown blood and went to the ER. they were so sweet to me there and they took blood which HCG came back at a low 6900 and a u/s showed a 6 week 6 old day baby with no heartbeat. I had a repeat u/s 2 days later i believe and HCG done 3 days later. U/s showed no growth and the HCG had dropped to around 2500 and I had to go back to the hospital for pain killers as the cramps and golf ball sized blood clots where ripping my heart out. the saddest moment was when i was laying in the bathtb crying and my oldest son came up to me and rubbed my tummy and said "hi baby, i love you" I felt like my heart was ripped from my chest again and I had to choke out the words "Mommy made a mistake she wasent pregnant" the only thing a 4 year old would understand. Well the baby was taken away for testing and I never got the results and was always wondering the s_x and more importantly why? Well I finalyl got the results 2 weeks ago and the report hs left me feeling empty again as it says no tests could be done because supposidly they couldnt tell the placental tissue apart from the actual fetus. basically my baby had turned to mush and I cry everytime I think about it, I thought I would have had some answers something to help me with closure. I knew the baby would always be in my heart but I was hoping to learn certain things to help with it and now I feel like im left eith more questions than before. I have since had another baby, a healthy 6 month old boy that i feel blessed every day for but I cant help but yearn for the baby i lost. i guess im needing to vent to people who will understand as my husband isnt very supportive and doesnt understand why I cant just move on. I am having nightmares and worse I am in a bad foul temper alot of the time and i find myself snapping at my older children for no reason. I am just so sad im reliving it again and again and again. i moved away shortly after my missed m/c and I guess now that I have moved back to the same city it doesnt help to have the memories. even my old job reminds me of the baby i lost I feel so sad and devostated. sorry to rant but I fele so lost again T_T

 

Mrs.Hath - December 14

DownbutnotOUT: I am so sorry for your loss. I am glad you got to vent here. I know what you mean about needing this type of support- from women who understand. My DH means well, but it does not upset and consume him like it does me. Recently I went through a similar experience. You are right, when you get the test results (or lack there of), it does make you relive it. It took me about a week to move forward emotionally again. I was able to find out that my baby was a little boy with absolutely no chromosome abnormalities at all. (although he had a number of major medical issues that rendered his life "unviable"). I thought I would feel better knowing the gender and all the results. In a way I do, but then it begs for a whole new set of feelings.The question: WHY doesn't go away. Knowing there was nothing genetically wrong seemed to make it almost worst, like why me then. And knowing the gender only made me sadder because I could envision the little baby I was supposed to hold in my hands so much clearer. I am so sorry you have to go through this. No person should ever lose a child. I sympathize with you completely on having to relive it. Hang it there. We are here to support each other. You will grow stronger and soon have another special baby and your son will finally have his brother. It won't every replace this baby, but you will find happy and joy again.

 

april baby - December 14

DownbutnotOut - I feel the same way. I am sorry for your loss. I went through a m/c at the end of September at 12 weeks. I am still sad. It would have been my first. I have always wanted children but wanted to get married and now that I found the right man I wanted to start having children then I lost the baby. Anyway, I don't know if this will help you but it helped me. Please read the post - a story for your lost angels........I bumped it up for you to read and Mrs.Harth if you haven't read it yet it may also help you. Take Care~

 

DownbutnotOUT - December 25

thank you ladies and i did read the story it made me cry and i had to cling to my little baby, the pain still stings. The pain isnt a bad anywmore but i hated having to relive it and your probably right Mrs. Hath even if i knew the s_x or what was wrong i still would have unanswered questions. i sometimes dream though of the baby its sad but strangely comforting. once again thanksladies

 

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