5 Months Pregnant Dad Wants His 14 Year Old To Move In

11 Replies
mamto be - November 9

Help! I'm 5 months pregnant (first child - scary stuff for me). We moved to a new country about the time I got pregnant and I dont know anyone and have no support network - so please help with advice. My partners 14 year old son is currently at boarding school (in another country) and stays with his grandfather during the holidays - his mother kicked him out because of behaviour issues 2 years ago. His grandfather now wants him "out of his house and his life" becuase he is about to be expelled (damage to property, girls in his bed in the dorm, throwing things out of windows onto peole below) and because he has been using his grandfathers credit card to order stuff off the internet. I have only met him briefly (one week over Christmas) and really don't want to have to deal with this right now. My partner is already jealous of our baby ("it's all you think about, It would be nice if you thought about me occasionally"), and will leave me to deal with his son (and our new baby) while he is at work whilst expecting me to support him emothinally as well. No one else wants to take this boy in and my partner says he has no option. What should I do>??????????

 

Jessie - November 10

He's not your son, I'd be telling you partner to deal with it. He should be more of a father figure anyaway!

 

E - November 11

A good father cannot and should not abandon his son, plain and simple. This is a time of trouble and turmoil in his life and he needs family to help him. You will feel this way about your child if something like this should ever happen. It is natural that you do not feel this way for his son but you still need to be realistic about how your partner must feel. You really have no choice but to accept it. My advice is to seek counseling immediately upon his arrival so there can be someone to mediate btw you and your partner during the disagreements that will likely take place over his son. You need an unbiased, trained professional to help you with this. I agree that it is not your resonsibility to take care of him but, if it becomes that, you should set the rules while you are home with him. Also, you might want to make a list of these rules prior to his arrival and make sure they are clear as day to the son. Forge an alliance with your partner and do not ever let the son see that you and your partner disagree on anything. Two will be stronger than one and it will much harder for him to manipulate if he thinks the two of you are a strong partnership. I feel awful for you but other than saying move out, all I can advise is to take charge and stay ten steps ahead of him always.

 

tf - December 3

You shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who has a child unless you can deal with the child yourself. The kid is 14 and the responsibility of his parent(s) until the age of 18.

 

debbie - December 4

i do not think you should take him in. i am pregnant with my first child too and i know all the emotions you are going thru and that is one headache you dont need. He is not your responsibility and your partner should stop being so selfish and realize this. If you do decide to take this kid in, rules should be set and enforced and he should get into counseling immediatley. If your partner will not agree, move out. Better to be alone than stressed out at a time when you should be enjoying your pregnancy.

 

lilmama - January 3

This is a very tough situation that you are in, on one hand it is unethical to tell your partner that he can not take his own son in, but on the other it is a huge burdon on you while you are pregnant. I hope that things work out for the best and I really dont have any advise, i just wanted to say im sorry that you have to be a part of this decision.

 

hey - August 5

if you are with someone who has a child that the child belongs with his mother or father. how would you like it if your child was in that situation and just considered a reject??? thats wrong. if you are a father or mother THAN BE ONE FULL TIME.

 

C - August 5

There is no easy way. I clearly think this young man needs guidance and a role model--his father. Although it could prove taxing to you especially because you are pregnant and the Dad don't seem to be around much nor that involved with the home issues-- be the better adult and be a mature responsible friend to this teenager. The first day he lives with you lay down the rules. Be firm about it and be strong. When a rule is broken , give him a consequence and stick to it. You may want to pull your hair once in awhile and doubt if you are doing it all for nothing-- have a counsellor mediate once in a while and have him/her have some sessions with this young man. I should know. I have a 14 year old stepdaughter whose mother claims is totally uncontrollable. But when she's here-- 80% of the time she is behaving. Jealousy comes up of course, considering I'm prego but most siblings experience this in any way anyways. Perfectly normal. Your attachment/reaction to this child's needs will not be expected to be the same as that of a parent's-- but to earn the respect of a young person is both rewarding and positive throughout. Your 'investment' in this is that you have to remember, this stepson is your child's half-brother. No matter what, they are related and best to start it right. With your help in the right direction, your rewards in the future may be worth more than you can imagine and your child may benefit from this positive relationship you started this early. And yes, I still lose my temper--and I think it's OK. We're only hormonal humans :). But be aware of each encounter you have with this teen and give tons of tough love and understanding , even just for a young friend in dire need of help. Good luck!

 

ASA - August 7

I was in that same situation once before and there was no way that I was dealing with that. You need to focus on yourself and your child. Maybe none of this would be happening if he was there in the first place. I'm not ragging on your partner, but this is not your problem. If he is jealous of the baby, then you already have something to deal with. I say sorry about his luck, he wouldn't come with me and that's what I said to my DH. This ws going on before you knew me and it should have been dealt with long ago. I will not disrupt my house because some unruly child doesn't know how to act. I have tried to deal with a child just like him staying the weekend and it was a BIG mistake. I wish you the best. That's tough. It's easy for someone to say "stick with it" when they haven't been there. I have and I know what you are going through. I agree that a child needs his parents but what about your baby. You cannot help every child. Look at what he has done. He has had chance after chance. What will he do next? I'm sorry if that was harsh but anything can happen. I wouldn't want my kids around him.

 

C - August 7

Get to know him before making any decision. Read my previous post and remember that this child has problems and whether or not you are the main person responsible, it doesn't do any harm to extend a bit of understanding his way as reality says this is your child's half-brother.

 

jessue - August 7

Just a Note to the Repliers - this was posted nearly 9 months ago. By now she has surely had her baby and the decision was probably made. It sometimes helps to look at the first reply to know the date it was posted...Just a tip! =)

 

ASA - August 8

Well, whenever it was posted, I hope she made the right decision for her and her baby.

 

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