Anyone S Mother Stressing Them Out

20 Replies
evae777 - October 4

My mom stresses me out. She is completely jaded and constantly talks about men and how they all cheat. Based on her own experiences she has this mentality that women are always victims. So it is stressing me out to where i have to stop talking to her and then i feel bad because of course i dont want to have a bad relationship with her. I try to set a good example for her but I know that deep down she thinks that women (including me) are screwed because at some point, happily ever after will not happen because men will get tired of their wives and cheat. it actually disgusts and dissapoints me that she speaks such poisonous words. i know she had a hard life, she was married twice and has 4 children and both men were unfaithful and abandoned her. but gosh... how do you stay away from someone like that while still show love to them? plus, i am moody and emotional and tired and when i hear that negative, dead end talk from her it reminds me of stuff about my husbands past that has me speculating!! and my husband, even when we were dating, he has always been faithful, but there was one time when we had broken up for a month (of course we thought it was for good) after we had only dated for 4 months that he flew off to see this old fling of his and it took me almost a year to barely get over that. now i am frustrated again about the whole situation and totally boiling up about the past! i feel like such a broken record... why are some women, like myself, such grudgeholders?!?!?

 

Stephanie_31 - October 5

Have you told her exactly what you just told us? How it effects you emotionally and causes you stress. I would hope that your mom wouldn't want to put you through that and maybe if she knew how it made you feel she would stop. If you don't think you could say it to her, write her a letter. Tell her everything that you just said on here. How much you love her and want to have a good relationship but the stuff she says is not good for you and you want it to stop or you will have to distance yourself. Make sure that for everything negative you say, that you reiterate something positve about her or your relationship with her.

 

sarah21 - October 5

I think mostly all women are grudge holders. I know I am! I am jealous still of women my husband dated before we were together. One of them happens to be his best friend's sister, and I had to meet her over Christmas last year and about died as she had her b___bs hanging out and her thong hanging out of her pants, and she has a 3 year old son so she was always on the floor with her b___t up in the air right in front of my husband. My husband and I were both virgins when we got married, but he had told me how he got close to crossing the line with that particular girl and it was murderous on me; I wanted to call her on her dress and mannerisms soooo badly. I love my husband more than anything-- I love him more than I thought possible. And I trust him with everything 100%. But it's still hard to forget. For your mother to kick you when you're down must be really tough! I'm sorry that she puts those doubts in your head. The best advice I can give is to tell your husband how you feel sometimes and ask him to clear up some of the things you are speculating about. I did that with mine and I felt so much better. I didn't necessarily really want to know the answers, but not knowing was worse. I guess for your mom, maybe tell her that you appreciate her advice and wisdom, but it is causing you stress and you need her to quit saying those things. I know it's easier said than done. I hope you can find a balance!

 

evae777 - October 5

Thanks Stephanie and Sarah. Yes, I have told my mom, she still does it... so over the years I have had to try to master the art of detaching from her when she goes on her doomsday rollercoaster talk. It sounds cruel, but she thinks that I am stupid and ungrateful of her advice even though it was not asked for and obviously not welcomed, she is very controlling. She's also very old fashioned and scorned on top of it. And Sarah I can totally relate to the ex thing... it took awhile for my partner, when we were still dating to cut these girls off. One of them was his best friends sister as well.. and she would use her 4 year old daughter as bait. She would have her daughter call him and send him cards which made him feel obligated to keep in touch. It got to a point where it was ridiculous that this 4 year old girl was calling him after midnight! she visited once after she had a b___b job and was being flirty with him while I was sitting next to him. Her mannerism's are terrible and I actually felt sad for her that she was that desperate of a human being. To want someone for so many years that never wanted you back must be really painful for her. (Plus since he had slept with her a few times she got obsessive for his attention.) But it is still annoying. Before we got married he finally changed his phone number and that took care of the problem. My husband is a great man, the best thing I have ever had, but it stinks he had so much baggage and old flings still hanging around before he met me. (he was single for 4 years before we met and he was all over the place with women). and what is worse is he got comfortable and spilled all of his secrets to me so I knew way too much. It put a lot of judgement in my head, made me insecure, caused alot of issues and we had to deal with it while we were dating. But we are at a good place now. It's been over a year that we haven't had his old flings resurface, but still... if i accidentally think about it, those old grudges feel like yesterday. I guess it can't be perfect. Thanks again for the advice... it is always appreciated.. :>

 

sarah21 - October 5

Yeah I can totally understand that. I read some old e-mails I found that my husband hadn't deleted from the lovely lady we were talking about earlier. They were Jack this and Jack that (Jack was her son) and how Jack misses you and loves you. Man it made me sick! How people can use their kids like that is horrible. Why do some women have to be such creeps? I know what you mean about just detaching from people... my uncle is like that. We know when he starts in with one of his key phrases, it is time to tune out or change the subject because it only ends up in one place.

 

evae777 - October 5

haha, Sarah you are making me laugh. yes, it's funny. The 4 year old girl I was talking about would send him cards and letters starting from when she was 2 years old. My partner swears that there was no way her mom put her up to it. I told him... "umm okay so a 2-4 year old knows how to write a letter to you, dial your phone number off of her moms cell after midnight, and knows how to put postage and address an envelope to send you cards and photos??" he was really flattered thinking this child who lives across the country that he only saw once a year, really loved him dearly like a father. I said, "and in the meantime her mom happens to try to seduce you?" jeeeshhh! grow a brain! I guess instead of s_x as a weapon some women use their children as a weapon, but in this case... she was pulling out all of their weapons! hehe...

 

evae777 - October 5

oh and why is it we look through their emails? I do the same thing. it's terrible! then i find stuff i dont want to find and i am mad when it is none my business! it got so bad that he had to change all of his computer settings and pa__swords because i was finding out way too many details about his past. but good thing is.. i never found anything that had to do with the present. i snooped through his stuff for years and the guy is completely clean...well, except for when we broke up for one month. grrr.. but now i don't look through his things anymore, i started feeling ashamed of myself for picking on him :(

 

sarah21 - October 5

No kidding! I wanted to tell this girl, "Look, he chose me. He married me. He doesn't regret it. He's not going to go back to you so just grow up and leave him alone!" It is kind of funny when you look at the desperation, but sad, too, that someone can have so much tied up in another human being. I'd like to think that if, for some bizarre reason, my husband left me, I wouldn't be reduced to a begging s___t. And our poor husbands! Being so sweet and loving kids (my husband is FABULOUS with kids) they just eat up the attention from the "kid" and we're the suspicious ones saying, "Umm yeah, the 2 year old is making you cards and calling at midnight. Suuurree." Lol.

 

sarah21 - October 5

I was innocent going through the e-mails. Well, 99% innocent. I needed to pay a bill online and I couldn't remember the pa__sword and it got e-mailed to his e-mail address. So I logged into his e-mail and saw he had a folder labeled with her name on it (like he has for most people in his address book) and I thought, "well let's see..." and it had some responses of hers to the ma__s e-mails he would sent out while he was in Iraq and then two personal ones. Yuck! That was when I found out I was a rebound relationship, which ticked me off. But I still haven't told my husband I know about it. It doesn't bother me anymore, so I think I'll just let it die.

 

evae777 - October 5

you are right, why have so much tied up in another human being?? As for my partner, he had more than that one girl. There were about 2 other women (at least) for 3 years that was just so wound up in him that they never moved on or had other boyfriends. they would just wait around for him to be in a transition phase, being on a break from me, or someone else and would just come at the snap of a finger (and these women didn't even live in the same state!). One even got so sore that she sent me an email once, (this is how i know he went to see an old fling when we were broken up). i don't understand it, never will. i know he's a great catch, he really is an all around good, handsome and cla__sy man.. but seriously how can you invest so much time into something that is fruitless... anyways.. thanks for making me laugh :D

 

sarah21 - October 5

You bet! Thanks for helping me see more humor in my every day life and for reminding me I am not alone in my crazy woman-ness. It's been great getting to know you!

 

evae777 - October 5

screw it, he obviously chose to marry you over her, that says a lot especially since he could have obviously had been with her if he really wanted! she must've not been that great of a prize. but it is never enough for us women, even after they marry us we still feel like we could've been more special! and it is really big of you to not say anything to him and move past it... if it was me, i would have opened up my big, insecure mouth.. that's why my husband knew i was snooping.. I told him!! stupid huh! great getting to know you too :P

 

sarah21 - October 5

I was snickering, reading about you opening your "big" mouth lol! Well I actually have a bad habit of not saying enough. Sometimes it works for me, sometimes it creates problems. I am very non-confrontational. I drive my husband nuts because when I am mad about something, he has to ask me what's wrong before I'll tell him. I just go around pouting and cleaning (I clean when I get mad) and he'll finally ask what's wrong and by that time he's mad because he wishes I'd just tell him what he's done. Sigh. We women are complicated.

 

evae777 - October 5

i wish i was more like that. when i try being non confrontational i end up releasing black smoke, it becomes all too obvious then i say what is on my mind and if he doesn't give me the "correct" rea__surance or even worse he gets sarcastic it becomes a fight. barely ever happens but when it does oh boy. sometimes i throw stuff which is really bad, then we have to pray more, get together with church people, go to a pastoral counselor, etc. and try to work on my anger issues... gosh...it's like i'm the troublemaker in the relationship! thats what happens when you are too confrontational (with a temper) it ends up being a wash. he could do the dumbest thing, but if i throw something (it couldb e an empty plastic water bottle) then he has the leg up! he swears that if we weren't connected on a spiritual level and i wasn't such a good housewife then he would've never stuck it out with me! i have a friend that is just like you, she starts cleaning and is as non confrontational as can be to where she doesnt say anything vicious to her partner or bring things up. but when we get together she releases so much noise from her mouth from being bottled up that it is funny :>

 

sarah21 - October 5

Lol. Yeah my mom is my release. We're more like best friends than mother-daughter, so it works well. My husband and I almost never fight. We're both pretty laid back, easy going people. We've had maybe 3 major arguments since we've been married, and they were over legitimate things that needed to be dealt with. I once broke a kitchen drawer because I slammed it shut so hard while I was unloading the dishwasher... and I've thrown flowers out the door. So I can get somewhat mean when I'm angry. We are guilty of not praying together often enough. We've tried doing Bible studies together but something always ends up coming up and we get out of our routine. It's terrible. Good times, huh? And now we get to try to bring a baby into the mix. I'm sure the arguments are really going to come once it's here... ick.

 

evae777 - October 5

here is a book recommendation i think you would like. It is written by Dr. Les (Husband) and Leslie (Wife) Parrott. It's called, "becoming soulmates." it helps guide couples through prayers with each other and has scripture reading as well for those who try to go to bible study. they wrote the famous book (Saving Your Marriage Before it Starts) that a lot of churches here in California use to guide pre-marriage counseling cla__ses. both books are great since it is written by 2 authors who are married and they are both family therapists. Here is the link through amazon.com - you can preview the book by clicking, "search inside this book" and pretty much read most of it to decide if you like it. hope you like it! here's the link: amazon.com/Becoming-Soul-Mates-Dr-Parrott/dp/0310219264/ref=sr_1_4/102-2062786-8408958?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1191614882&sr=1-4

 

sarah21 - October 5

Yeah we love Les and Leslie's stuff. We are working on one of their books. They are fabulous! It gets us talking about difficult things in a non-confrontational way. I love it. I'll check out the one you're talking about.

 

ADD A COMMENT:


You must log in to reply.

Are you New to the forum? Sign Up Here! Already a member? Please login below.

Forgot your password?
Need Help?
New to the forum?

Sign Up Here!


Already a member?
Please login below.





Forgot your password?
Need Help?