DIFFICULT MOTHER HELP

11 Replies
Ashley - July 18

I'm halfway through preg, and I have to say the stress of my mother is killing me! Any advice would be helpful. My mother is so excited that it has become so overwhelming for my husband and I. I love that she is excited but I feel like a line has been crossed from excited gma to thinking she is the one having this baby, and has a right to make decisions for it. She has asked to name the baby, and was upset when we decided against her names. She even went as far as being angry at me for not naming the baby after her, and instead naming the baby after my husband. When my husband and I talked to our care provider about our wishes for him to catch the baby at birth ... my mother said right in front of him that she wanted to catch her grandbaby and that she couldnt believe I wouldnt let her. She is also upset about our birthing plans, and that they include my Husbands mother. She asked why the plans couldnt just include myself, her, and my husband. It seems like she expects me to consult her about every decision, when I feel like this is me and my husband's decisions. I try to explain my wishes to her in the nicest ways, but she just gets angry and says she doesnt want to talk about it. I cant have a conversation with her, without her getting mad. She will just say that I want to keep her out of this pregnancy, when those are not my intentions. However I do feel like she is overstepping her role. My husband feels very slided, like she is doing everything in her power to get him out of the picture so she can raise this baby with me. And the longer my preg goes on, I am starting to agree with him. But my mother and I are very close and I dont want to cause unnessesary problems because she holds onto grudges forever and I am afraid this type of thing will cause her to not talk to me. Which I dont want to happen for the sake of our baby, as I believe this baby needs all its family around. She has even gone as far as to buy everything for the baby that I buy for the baby, so she can keep it all at her own house for when she gets to babysit. From car seats to baby tubs to a whole wardrobe... you name it she has it. It looks like she is getting ready to have a baby. I try to nicely say that she shouldnt buy all that stuff because I probably wont want anyone to babysit right away, and even if I do it would only be for a couple hours. But she acts like she is going to babysit for days on end. She gets angry when I say anything like this and says "I know I will never get to see the baby." I dont know what to do at this point. I never thought my own mother would be so disrespectful of my own wishes. How can I get through to her? I am trying desperately to salvage our relationship and I try so hard to include her, but its tearing me up inside. Any suggestions. *sorry so long*

 

OH ASHLEY!!! - July 18

I feel so bad for you. Mothers can be a pain. I would be more concerned about how she will act after the baby is older. Will she plant things in the kids head? I would be more inclined to keep her away for a while. There is no way I would let her in the delivery room. She is gonna taint this special experiernce that you will never get back. Has she always been like this about other things? Maybe she should see a doctor and be evaluated. It sounds like a little prozac or paxil would do her good and definitley help you!

 

Tammy - July 18

As hard as it is you have to set her straight NOW! If not, you are in for a lifetime of headaches. She is trying to intimidate you and if that doesn't work she is trying to bully you into doing things her way. She had her children-now it's your turn. You don't need the stress. You and hubby seem to be bending over backward to please her and it's not working. I would be more concerned about the power struggle between you mom and your MIL. Can you imagine how she is going to react if your MIL babysits the baby? Something is definitely lacking in her life. She need to fix it-not you! Good Luck, you're going to need it.

 

Justine - July 18

Ashley - Your mother sounds just like my MIL. My MIL only wants a girl and keeps telling me this - like I have a choice. She wants me to only talk to the baby in French as she's French - I'm English and I can't even speak French that well. It just all me, me, me and it drives me mad so I can understand your problem but its very difficult to manage. I wish I'd found a solution too - I just avoid seeing my MIL now but that's not so easy if its your mother. My MIL also buys lots of things for the baby but I'm fine with that. I'd let your mother buy whatever she wants even if it is pointless but I wouldn't let her bully you into anything like her choosing names, dominating the birth etc - that's not reasonable. It's your baby and it should be you and your husband's decision - I wouldn't consult her if she's behaving like that. I think if you give in to people who bully you, they just find something else to bully you about. Good luck with your mother.

 

Jennifer - July 18

Poor thing! How do you stand it? I would definitley have a serious sit down talk with my mother now, before this goes on any longer. She may become angry and rant and rave, or turn on the tears and give you a guilt trip, but I'd try to handle this before the baby is born. I've always heard that if you are going to give someone bad news or criticism, to give them two positives remarks for every negative one. So maybe say something like, I love you mom, and I feel lucky to have a mom who is so happy for me, but you are overstepping your boundaries. I think you are going to be a wonderful grandmother, but...etc....etc... Tell her how much stress and hurt she is causing you. Tell her that she did a great job raising you and now it's your turn to be the parent. Look at it this way, she may pout and hold a grudge for a while, but how long can that last? She'll be dying to see that grand baby when it's born, she'll have to come around. Good luck.

 

Ashley - July 18

Thank you to everyone who posted here. You all helped me so much and I really appreciate it. I am going to consider each and every thing you said, but I think all of you are right.... I need to talk to her and tell her how I feel no matter if she gets angry or not. Thank you so much!

 

NG - July 19

Your mother loves you and will be hurt for a while, but I am sure she will understand. Just let her know how important she is to you and ask for advice on little things that dont mater so much so she feels involved. Hope all is going well

 

D - July 19

Good luck, Ashley! I feel for you... I don't like this type of confrontation at all... but I agree with all these ladies who say you need to talk to her. The longer this "game" goes on, the harder it will get. If its dealt with before the baby comes, then the excitement will help get her past the disappointment/anger about what you tell her.

 

Bless Your Heart - July 19

Sounds like to me your mom is missing being a mom. You two apparently are very close and she feels left out because now, instead of you clinging to her, you cling to your husband. I know you talk to her still, but I think your mother is a bit jealous. I think she feels that your husband has become your "bestfriend" and no longer her. I would be careful when talking to her, she's on the offense right now. I also (no offense) would definitely not leave her alone with the baby for a while. She needs to undersrtand this child belongs to you and your husband and not her. I'm sory you mom is being so posessive of the both of you. Good Luck to you all!!

 

IF28 - July 19

I'm so sorry for all this, this is not the best time to be dealing with all this family drama, your emotional health is crutial in your babys health and development. My mom is like this also, I had to put a stop bc now that my kids are a bit older, they notice things. My mom still tries to manage my life her way, if I don't do things her way IT's WRONG!. Ultimately it's nice that you wish your child to have his whole family involved in the upbringing, and under normal circ_mstances that would be great, but in your case, it might affect the way your child might turn out. You and your husband are a nuclear family, you come first and your decisions should be respected, your mom had her chance at being mom, now she will be grandma. If you don't set her straight on how this is affecting you and your marriage, you're in for a long haul of headaches and problems...more problems. My mother made my pre-term labor worse by adding stress...so this time I've decided not to pick up the phone until Im ready to handle her. Good luck....It wont be easy on you or her...but you need to think about your family

 

Amanda - July 19

Ashley i can't beleive that it is so hard for you You should tell her how hard this is and she shoud respect you Yes its goingtobe hard but she needs torealize that her place is GRANDMA not MOM you are mom now and its time she stepped back and let you take that role Lether know that she will be needed very much you are going to have tons of questions and things that are going to come upbut her att_tude now is pushing you away and that is not how you should feel Talk t o her NOW Let us all know how things go

 

Nina - July 19

I had a similar proble like that with my mother and how I handled it was I sat her down one on one so it wouldnt seem like I was trying to embarras her in front of no one and I explained to her that that was my baby and what I said went. I told her that I wouldnt take the baby from her and that she could watch the baby if I had to go somewhere that the baby couldnt go but other then that I was going to be raising my own child with my husband because that was my immediate family. She didn't like the fact that I was standing up to her and she fussed and didn't talk to me for about a week and that bothered me because we are close until finally I said well since you are being stubborn then so will I needless to say she came around right before the birth of my daughter and she was in the delivery room when she was born. Now everytime she gets beside herself I remind her that she raised me and now her job of raising children is over. She acts like she doesn't understand but she does. You are going to have to give your mom an option either bag off a tad or miss out on her grandchild! Good Luck your going to need it

 

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