I Am An Awful Person

16 Replies
Wow... - May 23

Ok so me and my bf got pregnant unexpectedly and we have only been together for like 5 months. I had been talking to this co-worker of mine off and on just about little misclaneous stuff but now its gotten a little mroe serious. I would never cheat of my bf but this guy seems to treat me better and seems more understanding of what I am going through. He gave me his number in case I needed to talk and I want to call him so bad only because I think having another impartial male perspective would be nice in my situation. My bf is kind of verbally abusive and I dont think I could leave him especially while pregnant, but I need a venting outlet you know? But if he found out I called this guy he would be so incredibly p___sed (excuse my language) even if it helped me not stress out so much because its bad for the baby. What should I do, call the guy for support and not tell the bf or leave it alone and be miserable with no one to talk to? HELP!?

 

Wow... - May 23

He does have his good points and he is a good man when it comes to trying to help take care of me and the soon to be baby, but he has anger issues and its hard to know whats going to set him off. When he is not angry he is a good man, but when he is angry he says things that most people dont hear in a relationship.

 

Chloe - May 23

In cases such as this all you can do is take others opinions but in the end you have to do what is best for you and your baby. If your bf is abusive and this isn't someone that you plan to stay with then maybe going your seperate ways would be best. It doesn't mean that he can't be part of your childs life, but you shouldn't have to stay with someone b/c you made a mistake. At the same time jumping into another relationship is dangerous too. But there insn't anything wrong with having a friend you can talk to. That is very important whether your pregnant or not. So I guess basically what I am saying is that I agree your in a tough spot but there is no right or wrong answer. If you wish to stay with your bf then it is probably best that you don't call the other guy. Good luck with everything!

 

SE - May 23

Oh boy, that is complicated. But first of all, you are not an awful person. If your boyfriend is not very understanding then it is completely reasonable to want to talk to someone who is willing to be understanding. I had a fiance who I knew didn't treat me quite as I wanted him to but was basically a good person. It was the most difficult thing I've done in my life, but I managed to get out of the relationship and we are now both very happily married to other people who are better suited to each of us. I know you're not asking about leaving your bf but the fact that you say he is "kind of verbally abusive" and not as understanding seem to indicate that you would be happier with a different person. This other guy may or may not be something special, but he at least symbolizes some qualities that you seem to wish you had in your bf. The pregnancy certainly complicates things, though. It's the age-old question of whether it is the right thing to stay together for the sake of the child or not. Am I reading way more into this than I should? Sorry if I am. In terms of your ACTUAL question of whether you should call this guy for support, that's a tough one. It's not good to lie to your bf but you also need support and if your bf isn't going to give it then you need to find it somewhere. Is there really no way you could tell your bf that you have a male friend who you like to talk with? I fear you have a long road ahead of you if you are in a relationship where your needs aren't respected, especially when you are in an especially needy state these days. I wish you lots and lots of luck with this. Is there any kind of a counsellor you could talk to? I already raved about counsellors in an earlier thread today (one about depression) but I was just b__wn away by how helpful mine has been for me. I understand all the thoughts swirling around in your head. Do you spend a large portion of your day going back and forth about what to do? Does it seem like for every justification you can make for one decision, there are equally reasonable justifications you can make for the opposite decision? It sucks so bad to be confused like that. Again, sorry if I read way more into that than you intended.

 

Stephanie - May 23

I agree with Misty. What are you going to do???

 

Wow... - May 23

No SE I think you read into it perfect. Thats another thing, you brought up a counselour that might be able to help but I dont even know where to go to for that and it almost seems like a ha__sle to have to update someone new on this incredibly uncomfortable subject. The guy I was thinking about calling kinda already know whats going on. As for a depression counseler thats not a bad idea, I was on prozac before I found out I was pregnant and had to stop taking it and instead of following up with a safer anti depressant I chose not to take one at all because I didnt want to risk hurting my baby. When I say kinda verbally abusive let me give you an example...I had a root ca___l done last month and I was in so much pain and I didnt want to do anything and my bf got mad at me and started yelling about how he has had dental work before and it doesnt hurt that bad and I should stop being such a baby and he didnt want to sit at home and be bored all day. Then I cried because I couldnt get him to listen to me and he got even more mad because I started crying and he told me I was ruining his weekend and why do I always want to be sad and how he thinks I like being like that and I do it on purpose. The thing is this other guy is a lot older and has some kids already so therefore he understands what I am going through and its nice to have that understanding. I do spenda portion of the day going back and forth. I spent all day saturday crying because he would rather go to a party then stay home with me when I wasnt feeling good. He always finds a way to justify his actions by blaming me for them, saying that he wouldnt have yelled at me if I wouldnt have dont this or that or it was the "tone" in my voice which is hard to have when youre usually crying. I just feel almost hopeless and for lack of a better work desperate, for whatr I dont know...a little help and I know no one can make a decision for me but right now I dont feel like I can be alone. I dont feel like I can.

 

SE - May 23

I was writing my response when all of these others popped up. I want you to know I understand about your bf being basically a good guy. I just knew my fiance was good in his heart and sometimes he could be so sweet. But...he was not very responsive to my needs. I just thought that I could overlook it because he had such a good heart and I knew he was only that way because his parents never really showed him affection so he didn't know how with me. It was SO-O-O difficult for me to finally accept the fact that I was taking on far more responsibility than I should have. Every relationship has it's little things to overlook, but I was taking care of his needs far more than he was taking care of mine. I didn't deserve that and you don't either (a__suming it is the same case with you). It is not your job to take care of him. It is very sad for him if he is hurting--it sounds like you are understanding of the source of his anger--but it is not your duty to take care of him unless you are both taking care of each other.

 

SE - May 23

I just read your last response. My heart goes out to you so much. I think I know exactly what you are going through. The abusiveness sounds so similar. I am actually impressed that you are able to label it as abuse. I just always said my fiance wasn't very affectionate, but really he was very manipulative and not compa__sionate, just in very subtle ways. Are you living with your bf? Do you have family nearby?

 

Wow... - May 23

I am living with him, or rather he is living with me. Its my apartment with my lease and all. He does help with the bills though and I dont know if I can afford it on my own. I am more scared to be alone expecially right now. I dont have any family close enough to stay with and I am working still so I have to stay kinda where I am at to be close to work. The only reason I can label it abuse is because my mom is a mental health clincian and she used to talk to me about that stuff all the time. I always thought I was stronger than this though and I never thought it would happen to me. I was raised so much stronger and now I feel like I am falling apart.

 

SE - May 23

How long have you known you were pregnant? I was raised to be a total people pleaser so it all makes sense why I wanted to be with my fiance. He fit my [unhealthy] pattern. But for you, why do you think you were with this guy before you got pregnant? It is understandable that you would feel vulnerable now and cling to him even if he isn't right for you, but what about before? Was something else happening with you back then?

 

Wow - May 23

Sorry I have known I was pregnant since like 5 weeks and I am about 19 weeks right now.

 

Misty - May 23

You are strong enough though to get by without him. That is maybe partially the reason he feels like he can get away with this. You feel like you need him even with the way he is treating you and I am sure he knows this, so why would he change? Treating a woman right takes effort, that effort will always be rewarded, but it is effort none-the-less. Why put out the effort if he doesn't feel he has to. There are lots of ways to let him know you don't need him beyond necessarily kicking him out. Stop doing stuff for him around the house. Believe me, the clothes that he wants to wear that aren't done will get to him, but for gods sake you can't let him yelling at you or treating you bad get you to do anything for him. You are reinforcing that behavior. Stop doing things and reward good behavior but punish for bad. Don't do it by yelling because guys will tune you out like there is no tomorrow, just take something away that will hurt him but not you. Stand strong with it and if he has half a brain he will realize that him acting like a jack-a__sed idiot is not benifitting him. As far as this other guy goes. It is not your job to tell your boyfriend everything that you do. But make sure you are doing anything you do with a clear consience or you shouldn't be doing it. With this guy, is he really just a friend that you can look to for help or is he someone that you see boyfriend qualities in that you are talking to to satisfy what you aren't getting from your boyfriend? If you are trying to satisfy something that you aren't getting from your b/f then you shouldn't be doing it. But if he is just a guy friend that you feel comfort in talking to then you have every right to talk to him and your b/f needs to lose the insecurity and get over it. Just stop doing his laundry, that is one thing that he can't just go get somewhere else. He would have to do it himself or make you feel good enough to do it for him. You absolutley HAVE to stop letting im get away with talking to you in an abusive way. We are women, when it comes down to it we can make a guys life so much more of a living hell then he ever realixed. You are one heck of a powerfull person in this mans life and the second you figure out how to use that he should stop acting up. He is still very shildish to act the way he is acting, so don't go treating im like a great man except for when he acts like one. GL.

 

Misty - May 23

I missed that part of how he was molested. I feel for him to have gone through that. It doesn't EVER give him the right to treat you bad though. So don't ever have it in your mind that you should let it go or be nicer because of it. You still need to stand up for yourself. Let him know you will still be there if that is what you chose, but don't let him ever use this as an excuse in how he does anything in life. I was almost raped, it is actually a very common thing to happen. It sucks and it hurts, but he needs to find someone to help him so he can get over it, not use it as an excuse to be a worse man because of it. That is him just taking the easy road out. It is much tougher to grow and get over what happened then to just let yourself become bitter and angry from it, that is just too simple and there is no excuse for it.

 

SE - May 23

Okay, here's my two cents (in addition to the fifty dollars I already dumped on you!): I think the absolute right thing for you to do is to talk to your bf, tell him your concerns about how he treats you, and tell him that if he doesn't seek treatment for his anger problems then he needs to move out. That would be hard, though, especially when you are feeling so lonely. A more round-about way to handle the situation (although less fair to your bf) would be to talk to this other guy for support. I'm not usually a fan of the means justifying the ends, but there is so much at stake here. I say you find comfort where you can if that's what it takes to either get out of or change your current relationship. I'm sorry you feel so alone.

 

Brooke "Mama" Crow - May 24

Bravo, Bravo, Bravo to Misty!!!! (I may not respond much anymore ... but I still read what's going on.) To our fellow momma-to-be ... my first marriage seems identical to the situation you are in now. He started out sweet and tender, and then the more comfortable he became with me the true colors came out ... but by then, you've already invested more of yourself, too (so it makes it harder to walk away because you feel like a failure or a quitter.) Unfortunately, that may be exactly how he is betting on you to feel ... and in my case, the problems grew worse with each pa__sing year. By then there were two innocent children involved. All I want to say is basically this: As a mother it is your responsibility to protect your children first and foremost. Is it hard? Yes. But hardly ever is doing the right thing easy. The tiny voice in your tummy has already told you what you need to do (and I'm talking about your conscience) ... you just need to be still long enough to hear what it is telling you. May God Bless and Give You Strength. Love to all of you ... bye-bye for now.

 

Wow - May 24

Thank you all for your help. I made the decision to be strong and to do something for myself. My bf left last night to go swimming on base with a friend of his, he was gone for a few hours so I called the guy. We talked on the phone for like a half an hour and I feel like I have this huge weight off my shoulders. I explained my situation and told him that its hard for me to talk about it but its nice to have someone listen. He understands completely because he has been through it all before. I feel a lot better. I am still going back and forth for what to do with the relationship, but just talking about it makes me feel better and gets me away from the anger and makes me happy and feel relieved. Thank you all for talking to me and letting me talk.

 

LMAO - May 24

Misty I LOVED your a___logy! As for the post theres nothing more I can say, these chix have said it all.

 

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