I Think My Friend Is Jealous

12 Replies
amanda103 - March 28

This might be kind of long, so sorrry. There are three of us girls who are friends and two of us are pg (1wk apart not planned!). But I feel that the third girl is jealous (she's been trying with no luck), and shows it by always trying to argue with me. We all work together but the girl who is also pg is not in our office anymore so I'm the only one taking the abuse. Whatever I say, she try's to tell me how it's wrong or that it's stupid. When I tell her I wonder what the baby is, she says you should just hope it's healthy....duh! When I had a m/c last Aug. and Dec. she told me to be happy that I can get pg at all. It's really frustrating and it gets me so stressed out, which the baby doesn't need. I try not to talk about my pregnancy that much, even though I have every right to be excited about it, but I don't because I don't want to hurt her feelings. How do I get her to stop making everything an arguement without starting another one? Thanks

 

Kara H. - March 28

Infertility takes a toll on a person that is hard to explain if you have not experienced it. It makes you feel like a failure more than any other personal setback ever will. I have been on both sides of it. It was really hard for me to be around pregnant women when I was having a hard time concieving. I even considered finding a new job so I wouldn't have to be around my pregnant coworkers. Now that I am pregnant, I want to shout about it from every roof top. But now a coworker of mine is battling infertillity, and even though it hasn't been that long ago that I was in her shoes I have to remind myself not to talk about the baby so much. Before I was pregnant, we talked about movies, resturants, makeup, so I try to make the conversation as much like as it was before as I can. It really has helped up to find our way back to being good friends. Try to find other things to talk about besides the pregnancy. Even if you are just excited about the baby, she is feeling like you are rubbing it in her face. Be patient with her. I'm not saying to not be excited, just save your excitement for when she is not around. She will appriciate your sensativity.

 

Trish# - March 28

I can relate to your situation as I've been on both sides. We tried for a year to get pg and underwent fertility treatment to acheive our dreams. I am now 18wk pg but it was a long road getting here. We did not tell anyone we were TTC (much less about our fertility treatment). Everytime a friend (and there were MANY) announced her pg I would put on a happy face but cry at home and feel so bad. They had no idea how much it hurt. Had they known of my struggles they may have handled things diff. so I can't blame them. It was my issue to work thru, not theirs. Now that I am pg, I know of others who are trying. I am so sensitive to their situations and never discuss my pg unless they ask about it. I don't want to throw anything in their faces. You never know what people are going thru. Yes, you have every right to be excited about your pg, esp after your two losses. But maybe in other settings? As for her "at least you know you can conceive" comments after your losses, she probably meant well by that comment. Most people don't know what to say in those situations. I promise you, having been there, your friend envies your pg and the other girls. Anything she says to you is based on her own hurt and ache to be pg. Try to be patient with her and respect her feelings...cut her a little bit of slack...but by all means revel in your own pg with other people! Congrats!

 

Trish# - March 28

Kara H.--OMG we basically said the same thing and posted at the same time (had not read your post as I was writing my own when you posted)! Right on, sister.

 

amanda103 - March 28

Kara H. and Trish#, thanks for your input. I do try to be sensitive to her feelings (esp after knowing how my losses made me feel) and I really try to make an effort to not talk about my pg. But even regular everyday conversation is difficult. I almost feel like I can't say anything without it coming back at me, or getting twisted around. I know that my hormones might be partly to blame, but I have even caught her contradicting herself after lecturing me about something. I never said anything, I didn't want to fight about it. I don't want to make her come off as an evil "B" either though, I know if I ever needed anything she would be there. I just know that the stress of this is not good for me, and I don't want to ruin our friendship either.

 

Kara H. - March 28

Trish - Isn't it amazing how at the time you feel like you are the only person in the world to understand what you are going thru, only to find that their are so many of us that have been down the exact same road. I am currently 19wks so are due dates will be really close. Congrats on your pregnancy! -- Amanda-- Sorry you are having such a rough time with your friend. You might just have to take the high road and not argue back, even if you know you are right, if the friendship is important to you. If that's not possible, it might just be better to keep you distance until she works thru her own grief and disappointment.

 

Trish# - March 28

Amanda--I know it's tough, and feeling like there's a big elephant in the room sucks. Hang in there, and hopefully she'll get pg soon and the two of you will have LOTS to talk about! Kara--congrats to you too! I'm actually 18w 3d pg so are we due w/in the same week? How cool! Yes, it's amazing how many people undergo fertility treatment. We still haven't told anyone of our troubles and I don't plan to (we're just real private like that), but since getting pg we've been told by so many friends about how they underwent fertility treatment to conceive. I had no idea I had so many close friends who went thru it! I conceived on FSH injections...how 'bout you?

 

Kara H. - March 28

I fortunately didn't need too much more than progesterone for my short lutal phase, but my real problem was miscarriages. I lost three pregnancies including a set of twins so we lost four babies total. The miscarriages were horrible, but the difficulting getting pregnant after the third one was just adding insult to injury. But I did go thru my fair share of fertility testing to find try to find out why I was loosing the pregnancies, and what changed in my body that now made it so hard to get pregnant after being able to concieve three times rather easily. My due date Aug 23rd. What yours?

 

hattie - March 29

amanda everyones posts are excellent but have u also thought about the possibility that your friend might be paniking a bit as both her best friends are pregnant and she feels shes going to be left alone?? I am quite young and when i told me friends about the pregnancy they were all concerned that they werent gonna see me anymore because of the baby, so maybe she is thinking ahead ?

 

Trish# - March 29

Kara--I'm due 3 days after you. :-) I tried Clomid 6x with no success. OB referred me to an RE. First cycle w/ him I conceived but it ended in a chemical pg. Two cycles later we got this BFP. I too needed progesterone support. FYI, I conceived twins with this pg but one of them didn't make it ("vanishing twin"). You must be a very strong person to make it thru multiple miscarriages. I think our struggles strengthened our marriage and our faith, and looking back on the nightmare, I can see how much we grew and also appreciate this pg soooo much.

 

fara - March 31

hi amanda..- i think i understand where shes comin frm.. its not v easy on sum1 whose tryin 4 a baby with no luck..i got preg in sept 05 n miscarried dec 05..people were telling me 'at least u can conceive' but till now i havent conceived.. i dont think shes jealous but mayb feeling inadequate..i've been there..

 

Kim L - March 31

Hey there Amanda: What you are going through is so hard, I'm sorry! I don't mean to make excuses for poor behavior, because honestly it sounds that your friend is behaving poorly. But I think people, in their own hurt, don't always realize how they are coming across. It is not your responsibility to deal with it for her - she has to walk her own road, same as you. I think it would be best if you can keep some distance from her and then if she feels like reaching out, by all means, respond positively! I have a friend who is struggling through a long infertility battle, and though I love her dearly, I always wait for her to contact me if she wants to talk and wait for her to ask questions about my pregnancy if she wants to know. We've talked about 'our system' openly and it works well for us. I have lots of other people I can be excited and exuberant with! I hope you do too. Take good care. xxoo

 

Chrissythefairy - March 31

Im sorry your going through that with your friend, she doesnt sound much like a friend to me. I myself have inconsiderate friends that i have been staying away from so that i dont get stressed and aggravated, because whatever you feel your baby feels. So if i were you id just keep my distance. At least through out the pregnancy. Jealousy and Envy are mean things that can cause someone to be something there not. And i dont think she is going to change once the baby is born because you of course are going to change so you might just have to keep your relationship in the office and slowly break ties with her. Good Luck and please DONT let her stress you, shes not worth it : )

 

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