In Law Issues

13 Replies
Miss Moody - July 6

My in-laws are planning to come and stay with us after the baby is born. I know that my parents will be here for a while (which is not so bad), but his parents tend to stay for a week or so at a time- and really start to wear on my nerves after a while...I can only imagine how intense this will be when you factor in the pain, lack of sleep and general newness of having a new baby (our first). My husband seems to listen to my concerns, but always comes back with "they're my parents, what am I supposed to say?" My question is :WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO SAY?"

 

Meredith - July 7

Hey There, Moody I really think that it's your husbands responsibility to talk to your in laws. After you have the baby you NEED to feel comfortable. If they stress you out or annoy you I really don't think they should stay with you after the baby is born. If they stay with you make sure their stay is limited to a couple days. After my sister's baby was born her mother-in-law stayed with her an she felt like she had to take care of another person, it was really stressful instead of helpful. I say stand up for yourself!

 

TCM - July 7

I live in a different country from my parents and in-laws and they are all coming for the baby (for 4 weeks). We made a rule before I fell pregnant that no-one will stay with us. It was hard because my in-laws stayed with their other son and daughter-in-law when they had their babies and its my parents first grandchild. We decided the uncomfortable discussion was worth it in the end ... we do want them here but not living in our house ...

 

Christy - July 7

Is this your first baby? I'm just wondering this b/c lucky for you in this case, you will probably be so tired you won't have the pleasure of realizing they are there...After my children were born we ate, changed diapers and slept. Sometimes a shower, then we slept again. If they come, ENJOY this cycle and sleep right through it!!! Good luck!

 

L - July 7

Luckily my parents live about 20 minutes from me, but I made it clear to my MIL and my mother that NOONE was staying with us for the first 4 weeks. My MIL has friends near us so she will probably try to come down & stay with them and be at my house from sunrise to after sunset, but hubby will be at work and I will just sleep through the doorbell! When hubby comes home from work he can deal deal with her.

 

leslie - July 7

My MIL keeps saying "I am going to go over htere when the baby is born, I can stay as long as you need me" I feel very bad to tell her I don't want her here, so instead I tell her that my mohter is comming, so she won't need to come until my mom leaves. the thing is that I haven't even told my mom to come! She lives 2000 miles away from here.. :) I feel like I don't need my mom or MIL. so hopefully my MIL won't know that mom is not comming until the baby is born, then I can be like "OOPs I forgot to mention that my mom had to change her plans, she won't be comming!"

 

Julie - July 7

I totally understand my MIL only lives 10 minutes away and insisted on coming when my first son was born but my husband took time off of work for the first few weeks. I really didn't want her unwanted advice. She is very overbearing. Every time I talked to her she was so worried that the baby wasn't eating enough it was driving me nuts! It is important for your husband to talk to them after all you have been carrying his baby for 9 months!

 

Jamie - July 7

I think it's really nice that you have such a strong support system! But, I can see how you might get tired of the constant scrutiny with your new baby. Maybe you and your husband could just tell your MIL that you would like to settle back in and get into a routine with your baby before having so many other people around. Just remember, it really is nice to have people that care so much about you and your baby. My MIL hasn't even called to congratulate us on our pregnancy and it really makes me feel bad.

 

Carolyn - July 8

I can relate to you Miss Moody! My parents now live in FL, but my in-laws live in the UK (my husband is a Brit). When my husband and I moved to MA, my in-laws stayed for 2 weeks in our bed because my husband wanted them to feel comfortable and didn't listen to my concerns (ie. sleep, privacy, personal space, etc.). Needless to say, I was tears after they left and said it was his responsibility to set 'rules and guidelines' with his parents. That was 10 years ago and now I am pregnant with our first child. Whether you have children or not, parents (in-laws or not) can makes things a challenge and inadvertently cause stress to a marriage. Devote time now to discussing arrangements with your husband with potential alternatives if you get too stressed and need a break or unforseen pitfalls. Your concerns are the same as mine. I reminded my husband yesterday that his parents are his responsibility while my parents are my responsibility and if he wants to feel included and welcomed in mine and wants me to feel the same with his then he better fulfill his end of the bargain and marriage. If you both make some concessions or some agreements with your parents and in-laws staying ahead of time, I think you'll feel a little less stressed and anxious. Good luck.

 

m - July 8

why don't you just tell both sets of parents that you don't want to have any of them visiting in the house right after the baby is born. I can understand that you're more comfortable with your own parents, and his parents get on your nerves (that's usually the way it works, and visa versa) - so just to be fair have them hold off the visits and make the length of stay that's fine with both you and your hubby right off the bat. Usually anything longer than 4 days begins to get old. I only know one gal that has family visit for 2 weeks at a time and she loves it. WHY? Because she has a GUEST HOUSE!~ go figure!

 

Sugarbunnie - July 8

I have no idea but i feel your pain! My mother in law is my neighbor! (right next door) She wants to to help plan the baby shower and is being a pain in the b___t!

 

C - July 8

I don't understand what the big deal is that all of you seem to be making??? Think of things differently and those of us that have it differently! I have 3 children and have had NO HELP from either my parents or inlaws with any. I am pregnant with the fourth and wish that I could have someone come help me. My inlaws are both deceased - and my mother has never been all that helpful! What if you had no parents? Quit being selfish....stand up for yourselves, accept what help you are being offered (believe me with a new baby - sleep and good meals are hard to get) and tell whoever wants to stay with you what your expectations are and be honest how long you want the help for and if you think you need it. Don't complain - honestly I am jealous and wish I had a mother inlaw to come stay with me - or my own for that matter.

 

m - July 8

C - you make a very excellent point! But like the old saying saysnobody knows what they've really got till it's gone.

 

Cabbie - July 9

I think it is normal for women to feel more comfortable with their mothers especially at such a special time. Thing that always worried me was making my mother in law feel as if she was the second hand grandma or mother. While my mother stayed with us both times first, I made sure my mother in law had equal time staying and helping with our newborns. I

 

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