My Wife Can Find Zero Joy

2 Replies
Jwb - January 8

I'm a soon to be first time dad. We are both RNs. My wife just entered week 12 today. She hasn't had one good day, by her own statements and my frustrated observations, for the last 10 weeks. The nausea set in in week two. She knew she was pregnant on post conception day 11. She stopped BC one month prior. She's 27. I'm 36. Stable lives. No money worries with one income, let alone two. She's off work for 7 weeks now. I consider myself an attentive and caring guy. I'm trained to care for people, I love my wife, I put in effort doing extra shifts so she can have time off without financial concerns. I come home and do all (underscored, capitalized, italicized) house work. In other words, I'm doing literally everything any woman's fairy tale husband would do. Mom raised me right. I'm not resenting her for it, I'm trying to make her life easier so she can grow my baby. She hasn't had one good day. Not one. This can't be normal to have no reprieve for even a fleeting moment. I'm also not prone to exaggeration as I'm a scientist by trade. Our labs are great. Our US was great. Our first OB appointment my wife's BP was 85/45. Attributed to her not eating or drinking enough. OB was harsh, east coast trained MD! Said what I'd been saying for weeks; eat more, drink more, try this anti nausea strategy, try this one since that didn't work. She ate it up from the physician. The words anyway. No real change in her actions yet though. We're both nurses; I took maternal newborn classes and know what to look for and expect. I have tried to gently encourage her to improve her intake for her and the babies sake. I've tried to demand the same when that didn't work. I have tried to help in every way humanly possible. She's unsatisfiable. Never happy. No joy. On endless loop. We do the light foods before out of bed, yada yada, both nurses remember? No anti nausea tips please. It feels like, despite my wife telling me, "I just want you to know how much I appreciate you..." types of sentiments during cuddling or comfort periods, that she's trying to push my buttons by not heeding my advice, passive aggressive behaviors, etc. Basically trying to push me away, possibly to see if I bolt like her father did.  After 10 weeks of this, with ABSOLUTELY no joy or reprieve, I'm reaching my emotional breaking point. I'm at the point where I'm just having to sit in silence most of the time, grin and bear it, having thoughts about getting a hotel for a week, etc. Men aren't built for this kind of emotional drain. At least I haven't met any yet that are. I'm so frustrated that all my efforts are for not. ONE good day would help so much, but just when I think she's feeling better, boom. And we're back to chicken little and doom and gloom on endless repeat. Any similar stories? I can't be the only one who feels abused by a tiny nauseous lady. Am I just an a hole for feeling a little neglected maybe? If I'm honest, I also feel like, anecdotally, she gets sicker when she sees me in some weird effort to make me more frustrated that I can't help her. Like an effort to bring me down to her level so she can feel like she's rising up. I feel bad for saying it, let alone thinking it. I've told her she can have an abortion if she wants. I thought all this behavior might be her way of saying she's not ready for a baby. The hardest part for me is being so empathetic, my baseline plus my RN training, yet feeling so useless. 

 

wtf. So emotionally drained. 

 

Jwb - January 8

She's just really mean and I feel like I'm totally useless to boot. She's not losing weight or starving herself or doing anything drastic. But she doesn't seem to be taking ANY positive steps. Has no improvement from day to day. Nothing works, just 24/7 illness.  I did not expect this at all. But hey, I'm just the dad right. The jerk who's done every dish, washed every load of laundry, vacuumed every bit of dirt, worked every shift, bought every special late night craving, forgone whatever I wanted, put his wife first in all things for months. Does this end? Or does the second trimester just bring a new reason for terror? Should we go see a counselor, if I can get her out of bed? Not even the textbooks talk about this kind if pregnancy. Terrified and hopeless at this point. Is my wife just checked out? Does she come back? I know this was all pretty haphazard, but I'm just grasping at straws in forums now.

 

Jwb - January 8

To clarify. I will continue to care for my wife for as long as it takes, but is the joyless thing that lays in bed all day going to turn back into my wife one day? My happy wife, that got joy from life.

 

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