Need Advice Regarding MIL And New Baby Long

11 Replies
Desperate - January 10

Hello~little background husband an I have been married for over 2 years and have not spoken to his mother since the wedding..we called when we got back from honeymoon but she never returned our phone call only sent a letter. Now that we are expecting our first and this wil be her first grandaughter I feel she has a right to know but my husband does not want to tell her. (thinks she made the choice to not be in our lives and why should this change anything.) I have written a letter and taken a copy of the ultrasound picture to send to her but I am hestiatant on my husband getting angry. Sorry so long but any advice would be greatly accepted. I just feel she has a right to hear it from us rather then someone else...

 

TCB - January 10

Thats a tough one. MY parents are kinda going through the same thing with my grandmother. I would send her the stuff just to see what her reaction would be. If she doesnt say anything back then i would just end it there. If she happens to respond and your husband does get angry i would just tell him that she has a right to be in the babys life. I honestly dont think he would get to mad. Atleast i hope not. Sorry for not being much help. I wish you the best.

 

Steph - January 10

It's your husband's mother and if he does not want to initiate any contact with her, then I think that you should respect his wishes and not contact her. There must have been some reason that she did not want to talk to you guys after the wedding, and since she's not spoken to the two of you for two years, then she really doesn't have the grandma right to know that she's gonna have a grandchild. I personally think that if you did contact her you may get a reaction that is not going to be what you want and that can be pretty stressfull especially if an arguement breaks out and that's not good for anyone. I'd just leave the situation alone.

 

Cabbie - January 10

In your position, I would feel that my husband deserves my support and respect more than she deserves the notice. I do not know the circ_mstances, but I would have to ask myself if I really want someone in my child's life who is able to just drop out like that. I would put my marriage first. It would really hurt my husband if he knew I went behind his back and I would lose his trust. No one needs that kind of stress especially when pregnant. Perhaps I would suggest to my husband that we send a birth announcement along with the ma__s mailings of announcements that we do anyway. It is his mother. Everyone see this differently though.

 

amb - January 10

i second the last 2 posts. i have had issues with my MIL for years and i dont deal with her, my dh does. and if he doesnt want to deal with her then i stay out of it. its not worth your husband getting mad at you and trust me theres nothing harder then your child asking where daddys family is and why they dont call or even send bday cards.

 

sparkles - January 10

I have to agree with the last three posts. I think contacting your MIL when your hubby doesn't want to isn't a good idea. And I think if your MIL really wanted to be a part of your lives, then she would have sooner. I'm not sure if a grandchild would change that. Your probably better off just leaving things alone and letting your hubby contact his mother if he wants to. You don't want to bring anything between you two, especially when you have a new baby on the way. Good luck!

 

AR - January 11

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I think it's best not to do anything on your husband's back, specially if it's related to his family. Maybe you can talk to him and make him understand, that your baby has the right to have a Grandma. Maybe this is a good opportunity to start a relationship, unless it's something that hurts your marriage, I would encourage you and your husband to give it a try and give your MIL a second chance. I also had a lot of problems and mean things from my MIL, but when we got pregnant she asked me to forgive her for everything , I did so and know we have a good relationship and dh is very happy about it :) Good luck!

 

Desperate - January 11

Thank you for all your support...I have told my husband what I want to do he does not try to stop me just tells me not get my hopes up....His dad pa__sed away when he was 12 and he has never really gotten along with his mom... The reason why she got mad was because we invited his dads brother and his brothers wife to wedding. Thanks again for all your advice!

 

bean - January 11

I agree - I don't think you can go behind your husband's back and mail the letter. However, I do feel that another conversation with him about this is worth a try. Maybe he'll come around. If not, maybe you could just send her an announcement like another posting suggested.

 

bec - January 11

I agree with all of the above. Your DH decision needs to be respected. I cut contact with my own mother 18mths ago (an extremely difficult but necessary decision) and my DH has been very supportive - even though he doesn't know all of the details why. Not every family is the Brady Bunch and we just have to be happy with the people we choose to have in our lives - family doesn't equal exclusive rights. Good luck with your decision and hope all these posts have helped!!!

 

Shell - January 12

I am glad your husband said you could do it and I am glad you told him first. My husband never met his father and doesn't want to get in contact but I always thought of trying to find him to show him his grandson but ultimately, the hurt or trauma it would cause my husband to do it without him knowing would not be worth it. Its his choice. Let us know what response you get!

 

me - January 17

I tend to agree. Your loyalty is to yoru hubby not your MIL. When it comes to my hubby's parents, I will tell him my opinion, but let him do the ultimate deciding on what to do. He knows my two cents, but it is his family, not mine so I think he deserves the right to do what he thinks is best. Just an opinion. Congrats on the baby!

 

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