Stressed -pg119145310616

7 Replies
cfuller - October 3

Ok, so I know i'm not the only one who is stressed out here, but I have seriously reached the end of my limits. It feels like it's just one thing after the other and that it will never end! Ok, here is some background info so you can kind of understand the situation. My husband has been married before and has two children with his ex-wife. A 10yo dd and a 7yo ds. Well his ex has had major drug problems for years. Apparently she used meth when they were dating but he never knew about it because she never did it when he was around. They got married young because she got pregnant and a few years later they had their second child. Their whole marriage was unstable from the beginning because of her drug usage and her constant lying and manipulating. She was unfaithful with him also and he actually caught her in bed with his so-called best friend. Anyway, they have been divorced for a few years and at one time they shared joint custody where my husband would have the kids for one week and then she would have them one week. About a year and a half ago she lost custody of the kids because of her drug use and after 15 months of no contact and not knowing where she is, she decides to show up again and demand visitation. By this time the kids have changed so much for the better and they are very well-adjusted, happy, smart kids and they want nothing to do with her. As far as they are concerned, i'm their mom and there is no one else. Well the thing that is the most irritating is that when we went to court over this my dh's ex gets granted supervised visitation every week for 3 days for an hour. Oh, and who gets appointed the supervisor?? I DO! I had no say in it whatsoever and my dh tried to get me out of it but couldn't, so the last 6 weeks i've been stuck supervising these visits that are a complete waste of time because this woman doesn't even interact with her own children! She spends most of her time trying to talk to me and to get me to feel sorry for her! She just had another baby so she has two kids under the age of 3 living with her and she is telling the older two that they are going to come live with her as well. Like h__l they will! She disappeared for over a flipping year with no contact! At every visit we have and even at court with the stuff that she says and does it's SO obvious that she doesn't care about the kids, she only cares about herself and trying to hurt my husband. It's just ridiculous! We had court to review the situation yesterday and she lied thru her teeth about everything and tried to make my husband and I look bad. Thankfully the judge didn't fall for any of it and he was getting p___sed at her for interrupting all the time so he told her to shut up. Unfortunately I still have to be the supervisor for the next 3 weeks until we go back to review this AGAIN and this time i'm being forced to go to her house. This just sucks! I tried to be nice but now i'm just p___sed, especially after her evil accusations of me so now i'm done being nice! She is already afraid of me but now she is going to have even more reason to fear me! You don't mess with my family and get away with it! Sorry this is so long, I just needed to vent really bad. It's just a bad situation that i wish i didn't have to be a part of. I don't need the stress, it's making me have worse pains than I should with stretching and the braxton hicks contractions. Anyone else have stress like this? What do you do to calm down? Again, sorry this is so long!

 

Astra - October 4

wow, you have so much to deal with. It must be so hard and so scary to have this woman just pop up again after you have your family stable. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to support your family and abide by what the court requests. I thought I had some stressfull things happen but ater hearing your story it put everything in perspective for me. Nothing in my ife even compares to that kind of stress. I wonder with everything going on do you have any time to yourself? taking care of two kids and all this. What helps me destress is taking time to do things which are distracting and fun, like spend time with friends, cook or bake, watch junk on tv. If i'm having a particularly anxiety provoking thought I have pepermint foot cream that I use to ma__sage my feet, breath deeply and that does relax me. Back to your story I do think it's so unfair that you have to supervise visitation, on the other hand is there anyone else you would really trust to do it? It sounds like with this women's history no sane judge would grant her custody although you may have to put up with more visitation.... Hang in there and please vent anytime.

 

sarah21 - October 4

I'm so sorry to hear about all this c___p! You sure don't need it. I will be praying for you to have strength to endure this. It is not fair for you to have to listen to this woman tell your kids that they're going to come back to live with her-- it has to stress them out! At least they're old enough now that they can understand when you tell them that you're sorry they have to hear it and that you won't allow anything bad to happen to them. Just trust that the judges are smart-- they've dealt with people like this before and can see through the facade. I don't have any advice, I just wanted to offer my sympathy and let you know you're being prayed for.

 

docbytch - October 4

cfuller: I think it's totally inappropriate that the court stuck YOU with supervision like this. I realize the kids now see you as their mom...but unless you have legally adopted them...the onus of responsibility should still fall on your DH. His Ex is HIS baggage and he needs to deal with it. You have gone beyond your call of duty as it is in your level of involvement...and it's a great thing those kids have you in their life. What is your DH's stance on this whole mess? Does he tend to let the Ex get away with stuff to avoid fighting? I ask because my DH has historically been like this. He has an Ex who is a total loser (no drugs..just completely incompetent and whacked in the head). It is my belief that your DH needs to take more charge here and relieve you of this burden. Why did the court pick you? Also: What kinds of lies are being told by this person? Can they be refuted by yours or the kids testimonies? I can honestly tell you that being the stepparent has been hard for me...probably harder for me than for other women who are more malleable in their beliefs. I can totally understand your frustration...Exes are awful!! Especially those who fail to accept responsibility for their own children!! My DH's ex tends to act as if she is doing DH a "favor" by watching "his" kids. Yet...try to reduce her role in any way and she wigs out. She's extremely unpredictable and flaky and cannot be trusted to keep her word. Sadly..her kids know this too...but they get dragged into the middle of things. For my own sanity..I gotta keep a distance and help DH on the sidelines....it's a difficult line to walk if you ask me. Anyway...I may be somewhat less directly involved with my skids than you are...but the fact they have been with you guys now for over a year should give you more power. Make your wishes known. I really think doing these visits places undo stress on you...and a__suming you're pregnant since you're on this forum...that undo stress is also bad for YOUR baby. Good luck on this one. I feel for you for sure!!

 

karyn - October 4

You have to step back and take your emotion out (very hard to do I know). You only have 3 more weeks left. Make sure to doc_ment all that goes on in those visitations. Stay impartial and stick to the facts. You need to capture that information to build your case. Once your case is built it will be easier for the judge to make the proper call. That's how you'll get her out of your life.

 

cfuller - October 4

Thank you for all of your comments. Astra, there really is no one else that I would trust to supervise these visits. If it was anyone from her family they would let her do whatever she wants and not report anything that's going on even if its inappropriate. The woman really is insane, the judge knows she is a liar so he won't ever give her custody again but at the same time he is a big advocate of "mother's rights" so no matter how many times she screws up he gives her more chances. It is very frustrating for dh and I. Dh pointed out to me that if he ever did anything that his ex has done he would never see his kids again and that is so true! Sarah, thank you for your prayers, they are greatly appreciated and we need all the help we can get! docbytch, we tried to file for abandonment back in May so that I could adopt the kids but as soon as papers were ready to be signed she showed up so I got screwed. Dh really hates what is going on too. He doesn't want me involved in this whole mess because none of it is my fault and he doesn't want me to be so stressed because it isn't fair to me or our baby. When we first met he would let his ex walk all over him and he would cave in to all of her threats because he was afraid of her and what she would do. She played the kids like they were her pawns so she would get her way because she knew he wouldn't hurt the kids at all. It took me a while, but after a little time he finally started standing up for himself and for the kids and grew a backbone! I can't tell you how frustrated I was whenever he would cave to her and it was such a relief when he began to put his foot down and say no to her. The kids are also smart like your s/kids and knew their mom was/is whacked so I became mom to them even before we got full custody. I met them when they were both pretty young so it was easier for them to see me as a parent and not just "daddy's new girlfriend." That has made a ton of difference! Your dh's ex sounds like mine lol. throw a few drugs in there and it could be the same person! Oh, the reason I was picked to be the supervisor was because his ex actually suggested me. It shocked all of us especially since at mediation she refused to have anyone related to my dh do the supervising. We think she suggested me because she was trying to make my dh look bad and seem like he was the one who wouldn't cooperate. So for now I'm stuck doing this and i'm praying it won't last more than 3 weeks. She has already canceled her visit for today and she hasn't seen them the last 3 weeks so i'm hoping my luck continues and that she cancels again tomorrow! Thank you all so much for your comments and support! Oh and yes, I am pregnant lol. I'm 24 weeks due january 24th and we are having a little girl :-)

 

sarah21 - October 4

Geez what a freak. Sounds like my step-dad's ex. She's nuts. Emotional wreck. She'll call and be REALLY snippy to my mom and just accuse her of all kinds of things. My stepbrother has made some really terrible choices (he's 18 and decided to have a 14 year old girlfriend and took her to Tennessee without her parents' consent and got booked for kidnapping) and she blames it all on my stepdad and my mom. Ohhh it is so irritating. I hope she cancels tomorrow for you!

 

cfuller - October 4

LOL Sarah, that sounds WAY too familiar! I hope she doesn't call tomorrow, that would make things SO much easier! I have been doc_menting everything since this all started and i've kept it entirely unemotional and completely factual so the judge can't say i'm too emotional about this. There is no way I would be doing any of this w/o keeping a journal of every visit, phone conversation, voicemail etc. Women like her should never breed LOL

 

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